Are we looking a gift horse in the mouth?

ASmallWonder

I adore my ILs but the issue is that they're too good to us (I know, cry me a river).  It's gotten uncomfortable a couple times.  Once, because they have a BJs membership, I asked them to pick me up my favorite coffee and then had to fight my FIL tooth and nail to take the money.  I explained that if he wouldn't take it, I'd feel uncomfortable because I didn't ask him so he'd pay and he finally relented.  Now, we should have known better with this next one - ugh.  DH just got a new job that requires him to wear a suit so we've been in wardrobe building mode.  His parents bought him a suit as a gift because of a great deal at Macy's and then when we visited the sale was still going on and they had a coupon but you had to have a store card.  They do, we don't.  So we used theirs and they promised they'd let us know when the bill came in.  Well, it came in and they're only claiming we owe about a third of what we know we charged.

Obviously we know we can't trust them to buy us stuff/be honest about bills lol but do we roll our eyes, tell them lightheartedly that we know they're lying and then thank them?  Or do we insist until we all feel awkward?

Eleventy11

If they want to help you, let them. If they are financially able to, I don't see an issue. My parents pay for a ton of stuff for us. Their parents did the same for them, and my parents don't need the help at all. I plan to help provide for my kids as much as I'm able when they're grown. Unless they're doing it in a snotty way and holding it over your head, I wouldn't worry with it.

Pips09

If they can afford it, just say thank you. No need to make it awkward.

ASmallWonder

Eleventy11 said:

If they want to help you, let them. If they are financially able to, I don't see an issue. My parents pay for a ton of stuff for us. Their parents did the same for them, and my parents don't need the help at all. I plan to help provide for my kids as much as I'm able when they're grown. Unless they're doing it in a snotty way and holding it over your head, I wouldn't worry with it.

Oh, they're totally doing it to be sweet and aren't holding it over our heads. I guess the issue I have with it (and where we need to just not do this anymore) is that we spent with the understanding that we were spending OUR money.  It seems so wrong to have spent what we spent if there was suspicion they'd write off the debt, you know?  If they had said to DH "Go spend up to X dollars, on us" we would have at least known that.  We're not talking about a $100 bill here - it's many hundreds.

Helenahhandbasket

A gift is one thing, but I woulkd stop asking them for the small favors all together if they are the type to hold it over your head.  Doesn't seem worth it.

ASmallWonder

Helenahhandbasket said:

A gift is one thing, but I woulkd stop asking them for the small favors all together if they are the type to hold it over your head.  Doesn't seem worth it.

No no, there is zero holding or guilting or anything.  It's genuine generosity, believe me  I just wish they were honest about it up front so we'd know we were shopping on their dime but I guess like someone else said, they're proud of their son, have the means and are happy to do it.  I think I'll jokingly call them out on the mini bill and offer to pay the entire thing and then back off.

secretsout

I can understand the awkwardness, but if I were you I would just say thank you when they do these things and move on.  My parents and my in-laws do a lot for us, and I've learned that it's better to be gracious and thankful and leave it at that. 

If it really makes you feel uncomfortable, then try to keep out of situations where they have the opportunity to pay for things for you.  If they really didn't want to pay for these things than they would probably accept your offers to pay them back (assuming they aren't being nuts and just doing it to store up favors and hold it over your head). 

LoveActually4

The same thing happens to us with DH's family. I just say thank you, I've spent too much time arguing and trying to pay them back.

Helenahhandbasket

elmoali said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

A gift is one thing, but I woulkd stop asking them for the small favors all together if they are the type to hold it over your head.  Doesn't seem worth it.

No no, there is zero holding or guilting or anything.  It's genuine generosity, believe me  I just wish they were honest about it up front so we'd know we were shopping on their dime but I guess like someone else said, they're proud of their son, have the means and are happy to do it.  I think I'll jokingly call them out on the mini bill and offer to pay the entire thing and then back off.

Got it-- I misread the OP I think.

My advice stands then if it makes you uncomfortable.

ASmallWonder

TheEmpireNeedsYou said:

My MIL is a lot like this. One of her other kids is always in a jam, and I honestly think she likes to do nice things for the two kids who aren't constantly hitting her up for money because of that. I've learned to just roll with it. If I'm with her, I make sure to only buy what I'd want to spend, I'll still bargain hunt, etc. Then if she offers to pay, I don't feel as bad since I would have spent the money anyways, so it isn't like I'm shopping MORE than I would in anticipation of her offering, if that makes sense? 

She won't let us do anything like take her out to dinner in return, so I just make sure if she asks to take Ivy that I let her as long as it works with our schedules, and we do cute little crafts to give her. I also make her shutterfly books when I get codes, or if they do a "get a free magnet" type deal I'll make the freebie for her. Just small things that I know mean more to her than the money, and so it's a win for both parties. 

Ding ding ding This is pretty much exactly what's going on.  BIL has found himself in...situations...and they've bailed him out pretty significantly.  We've never needed help so I think they feel compelled to do nice things for us that we don't expect.  They also don't like much of anything unless it relates to the boys so buying them stuff or taking them to dinner doesn't work.  They honestly just want us to take lots of pictures of the boys and welcome them to visit often (which we do).  (God, I really have *lots* to complain about with these nice in laws who love us so much, huh? eyeroll lol)

theseaword

Both my parents and inlaws are like this. But it gives them joy to do nice things for family. I just make sure to reciprocate when I can (take them out to dinner, pick up a gift I think they'd like "just because", etc) and say thank you.

ToastieSimons

As long as they're financially able to, it wouldn't bother me.  He's still his son.  It seems like they're generous people and they know that you're able to pay your bills so they feel it's nice to treat you to things once in a while.

If they're crying "I'm broke" while shelling out the money, then I'd have a problem.

Or if they held it over your held.. "Well that one time I picked up your coffee for you AND paid for it"...

But it sounds like they're just trying to be nice.  graciously say "thank you so much, we really appreciate it".  Or next time make a thank you card with photos of the kids and say thanks for being so involved in our lives or something

Eleventy11

I often send my mom flowers as a small thank you. I also pick up groceries and things on occasion when I know they need something. It all works out in the end. If it makes you uncomfortable, just don't put yourself in situations like borrowing their card.

ToastieSimons

elmoali said:

Eleventy11 said:

If they want to help you, let them. If they are financially able to, I don't see an issue. My parents pay for a ton of stuff for us. Their parents did the same for them, and my parents don't need the help at all. I plan to help provide for my kids as much as I'm able when they're grown. Unless they're doing it in a snotty way and holding it over your head, I wouldn't worry with it.

Oh, they're totally doing it to be sweet and aren't holding it over our heads. I guess the issue I have with it (and where we need to just not do this anymore) is that we spent with the understanding that we were spending OUR money.  It seems so wrong to have spent what we spent if there was suspicion they'd write off the debt, you know?  If they had said to DH "Go spend up to X dollars, on us" we would have at least known that.  We're not talking about a $100 bill here - it's many hundreds.

We bought a car from my dad's dealership.  It was sight unseen, we were actually on vacation but it was too good a deal to pass up.  My dad wrote up all the paperwork did everything for us.  He calls me up and says when you sell your other car just give me the cash and it's yours, or just take the car it's yours.

I think the fact that they KNOW you could afford it means your not doing it to take advantage of them and that it really is a little surprise.

We could afford the car we picked out.  But my dad knew that car payment could go to DS1's (DS2 wasn't here yet) medical bills, therapies, traveling, etc.  And he wanted to do this for me and my family.

So in turn, we're throwing them a huge anniversary party as a thank you for everything they help us with.

angelashly

I agree with everyone else. If you try to pay and they don't take it say thanks and do something else for them.

You guys insisting on paying may make them feel awkward too.

NoSoup4You

We have the same situation. I just always tell myself that when we're in their position that we will want to do those things for our children too. I just try to find little ways to show appreciation in return (new pictures of the kids for example).

minervacullen

My inlaws do that too. I've learned to just graciously except. They've never, in almost 12 years if marriage, said anything condescending about it. They like to help, they want to spoil their grandkids, so we let them.

However, if we were as financially set as they are, I'd do the exact same thing for my lived ones and do it because I want to.

jak554

My ILs do this as well. I never mind dinner being paid if we go out with them (we can't afford to do any eating out unless it's the dollar menu at McD's, Wendy's etc. so we don't do it often). It's the other stuff they buy for us, like they just offered to buy DS's new carseat. We could afford it after our tax return came back, but I let DH handle it so he took the offer and I just told them what I was looking at.
 As I know you stated before, there's no strings attached so I don't see a big deal. I know I have the mindset of not wanting charity but at the same time I know it's just them being nice.

Anything milestone worthy though I won't let them buy, like DS's first bike.

jillyjill1026sr

As long as it's true generosity, and not something they use to hold over you, I would accept the gift(s) and genuinely thank them.

FalconCrest

I get uncomfortable when receiving gifts but I have realized that it is how my in-laws show love.  Let go and enjoy as long as there are no strings attached.  I hope we have the means to buy all sorts of things for my children when they are adults.