Divorce

keepswimming

Before you all think "Oh, this is MUD" or "This is a troll" I'll point out that while my username shows 0 discussions and 0 replies, I'm a veteran, a regular, who due to the sensitive nature of this thread, is unwilling to reveal her actual username/person. You want proof? Over on the FB page, there is a detailed Oreo review, lots of wedding pictures, a momma who is excited about passing her GTT so she can have a home birth, and another member who had breakfast at Denny's. So I'm not a troll, nor did I creep by JME's strict creeper-keeper-outing. Following me so far?

I'm curious to anyone who has been divorced, at what point did you accept that your marriage was not worth saving? This has been weighing on my mind heavily since I got pregnant because it's not just my life anymore. Not going too far in to specifics, DH and I have had issues that we had worked through and overcome, and as of late, some of them have reared their ugly heads. I'm not sure that I want to bring a child into our dysfunctional relationship, but I don't know that bringing him up as a single mom would be any better. Thoughts?

Rocknroll64

I understand that this is a sensitive topic but I'm sad that you don't feel comfortable sharing this under your real SN.

That being said, honestly, it sounds like you want out.  I think putting it off and it ending when your child is older and able to understand what is going on is much worse.  Also I definitely think bringing up a child as a single parent is better than bringing up a child in a dysfunctional relationship.  

Not to mention that why would you deprive yourself the chance to find true love and happiness with someone else? 

CamrynnsMommy

No thoughts, just I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

CamrynnsMommy

Rocknroll64 said:

I understand that this is a sensitive topic but I'm sad that you don't feel comfortable sharing this under your real SN.

Or at least on our FB.

Bootsie327

I don't have first-hand experience with this, but have you guys sought out counseling? My sister and brother-in-law did this about 10 or 11 years ago and it totally saved their marriage. I'm a firm believer in trying to save something that can be saved. Of course not all situations can be saved, but for those that can, it's worth a shot. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

danabsd

Having been on a board that had a lot of AEs that caused problems before I am hesitant to comment at all.  

If you are an active veteran and are in the FB group share there and delete later.  Creating an AE and bringing in personal information from off board, it's sketch.  

getitdone

I have no advice but T&Ps your way to help you through this difficult time!

RedInLove

Big hugs for you!!

I also recommend seeking a counselor. Even if it's just for you at first! Then go from there, hopefully your DH would be open to going to the appropriate counselor with you. My BFF's sister/BIL sought out counseling years ago, and it did save their marriage. Last I knew, they continued to go in a joint effort to keep their relationship healthy and it was very successful for them.

gutsysneakers

OP - sorry you're dealing with this, especially with everything else (pregnancy) going on in your life. I second (or third) the counseling, but I think it really depends on what the issue(s) are that coming back again. Hugs to you. 

IBackBevo

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The only thing I have to say is that babies really do change a lot of things.  If this is your first, I would not make any life altering decisions right now or immediately after LO is born.

I can also say that a few years ago (fortunately, before we had kids) DH and I had a lot of problems.  Major problems.  My entire world was rocked.  Somehow, we made it through them/worked through them and I am so glad we did.  I'm not trying to say that is what you should do, but I am just saying that it is possible to come out the other side.

Also, a little bit of counseling helped, but at some point I felt like it was actually forcing us to dwell on our problems instead of move past them. 

Rocknroll64

I'm sorry if my post came off as "you should just give up"  Of course I think you should give it your best shot at trying to save the marriage first, but I just meant that you only get one life and sometimes you need to do what is best for you and your child.

sammy.k

Was this pregnancy planned? Did you think it would truly help to improve your relationship with your husband? I'm sorry you're going through this but I don't think you want to put this kind of stress on your body at this point. It might be wise to wait after the baby is born to more forward with your idea of divorce. I'd also seek counseling ASAP. If you haven't done so, I think every marriage deserves at least that much before throwing in the towel.

dp1320

I don't have personal experience but I don't think there's a straightforward answer to your question because one person's threshold is going to be different from the next. It's up to you to decide when you feel your relationship is beyond repair and you are done trying... I'm sorry you're going through this =(

IBackBevo

Honestly, I don't blame OP for writing something this personal via an AE.  If I was having major marital problems and was writing about it, I would not want anything that could link it to my real name.

IBackBevo

Jane C said:

Since I handle divorces as a lawyer, I recommend that if you do go that route, try to settle your issues with your DH before starting it.  Try to avoid a big court battle- it's just so ugly and usually so pointless.  Also locate and gather up all your financial information, i.e. tax returns, pay stubs, mortgage information, bills, etc. before starting it.  

I agree with this 100 percent and I am not even a divorce lawyer.  Generally speaking, the only people who win in litigation are the lawyers.  I had a friend go through a divorce a couple of years ago. They were not super rich, but did probably have $300k-400k in assets.  They easily spent a third of that fighting over what they did have...such a shame.

JessElam

I have been through divorce and it really isn't very easy at all.  I agree with what Bevo said, in that the baby could change things for the better.  I'm not going to speculate what the lingering problems are, but this baby could really put things into perspective for you both that there is something much bigger happening now that you share this little one and the lingering problems could resolve themselves.  My situation was very different in that I got pregnant before we were married, and we split up when our son was just under 3 years old.  I had concerns about the relationship before we were married, but went ahead with it anyway because of our son.  We tried counseling but it just didn't work out.  You both fell in love and married for a reason...hopefully you guys can dig deep, come together, and make it work out not just for your baby's benefit but for yours as well.  Good luck to you.

MissLadyTay

It would take a LOT for me to give up any time with and control of my children while they are young. Like, I can't think of anything except abuse or drug addiction that would make me leave the marriage. If he leaves me I can't stop him but I would not be the one to go. Not until my children are old enough to make decisions for themselves. At that point my opinion on what I can/would live with and tolerate may change.

FlemDance

I don't have any advice to give, just want to offer hugs. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this.

Luckyu317

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Speaking from the perspective of a child who went through my parents getting divorced: I was 2 when they split up, and although it was very rocky dealing with their custody battles, I (and my mom) would have been a lot worse off had she stayed with him.
I've also been helping my BFF through a separation/dissolution from her soon to be ex H, and it's been a rough year (their issues came to a head last feb.). She told him over and over what she needed from him for her to stay in the marriage and he just didn't care enough to change. She requested a separation in Sept. and she has been so much happier since they've been apart. I think she just knew in her heart that enough was enough. They have two little girls (4 and almost 2), and yes, it's hard for her doing things on her own for the girls, But I can't imagine how hard it would be for them to grow up living with two parents who acted more like roommates who didn't like each other rather than a married couple. They did try counseling, but sadly, it didn't do much good because lack of effort.

Storrmys

Such a hard situation.. without knowing everything ( not that I want to know ) it is hard to advise someone .. I like the idea of counciling.. I will tell you in my divorce my ex was cheating and it was an easy decision ..
My parents however divorced when I was 8 they fought all the time and stayed together way too long for us kids and in the end hated each other ( still to this day don't like to interact ) it made for a tumultuous childhood for my sibling and I.
They did find their true soul mates though. Each a couple of years after.
You need to reach in to you heart and assess your relationship.

YTLCNURSE

Everyone situation is different. Pray about it and try counseling. You have to do what you are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with raising a child in a single parent home. Plenty of women have done it and are doing it. Raising a child in an environment where there is dysfunction is not healthy. If you feel there's a chance of repairing your marriage then go for it.

sparklingdiamond

I don't have any advice really, but just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this :-(

JennyOR30

No advice that is any different than PPs. Just wanted to offer hugs for you during this trying time.

mirdamae03

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. Only you and your DH will know if your marriage is worth saving, but make sure you're open and honest with each other.

Nmooney1

I do not have first hand advice, but you have to think about yourself as well....not just the LO you are bringing into the equation. It's sounds like you have made up your mind, but just want some reassurance. If you stick with a situation that you aren't happy in, what mind set is that going to leave you in all of the time???? - in the end you happiness will effect LO regardless if you stay or go. 
I am not sure I made that as clear as it is in my head, sorry if it sounds like rambling. 
Best of luck to you. 

delatl

I went through a divorce a long time ago (like 12 years ago). I married young and it wasn't the right decision. We were just starting out and had no kids, so it was a really different situation. That being said, once I kind of emotionally checked out, there was no going back for me. That wasn't healthy or mature on my part, just something I'll admit. I don't think it has to be that way, though. 

My current marriage is a 2nd go-round for both my DH and me, and I think that has helped us but also posed challenges. We went in eyes wide open as to what could go wrong, but also had a lot of anxiety and fear because of that. Like someone else said, we had a rough first year. Anyway, we sought counseling and it was worth every penny ten times over. It sucked at the time and it was a lot of work, but we are closer and stronger than ever before, even after going through unemployment, miscarriage, and infertility. I'm now a huge, huge advocate for couples counseling. I had people tell me that they would never do it because it felt like only couples who were about to divorce did it, or it was admitting defeat. But for us, it gave us a neutral space to be really honest and get the hard stuff out, all with the guidance of a third party who helped us gain perspective.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a huge burden to have this secret, painful situation at home, even more so when outwardly things seem perfect (e.g. a pregnancy). Whatever you decide, good luck and take care!

Katemr1146

I really don't have anything insightful to add, but I just wanted to send big hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through this at such a life changing time. I hope you find peace and happiness with whatever you decide to do. Take care of yourself!

spinsoffresonance

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any experience. But I'm inclined to say that if you went as far as asking internet strangers about divorce, deep down you've probably already made up your mind.
If you can go to counseling and fix your issues by all means give it a try. But if it doesn't work out, don't stay in a dysfunctional relationship just for the kids. My parents split when I was 18 but they hadn't really been happy together in a very very long time. I think things started getting sour when I was 8. They stayed together for the kids but, having lived through it, It's really not doing the kids any favor.

meck716

I've gone through a divorce and it was not easy.  It was the BEST thing I ever did, but it really wasn't easy to get through.  I made the decision to divorce my ex.  However, in my situation, he was verbally and physically abusive.  It finally just got to the point where I couldn't feel safe in my own home and I needed to leave.  He fought me on the divorce... it was awful.

We did go through counseling together.  I also went individually.  I tried everything to make it work.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Thoughts and prayers to you.

whitehousem

I went through a divorce a few years ago from my HS sweetheart. We married after college and were married for about 5 years before we separated, and we were divorced a year later. He was willing to go to couples counseling, but he was unwilling to go to individual counseling for himself. I am a firm believer that sometimes both are required. We were both broken and had "daddy" issues that were unresolved and crept into our marriage in different ways. I don't believe we could have fixed the marriage without fixing our individual issues first. I believe that it takes two to save a marriage, so you each have to be 100% in. One person cannot fix a marriage. Divorce is the hardest thing I have ever been through, but it allowed me to work through all my issues and I am a much better, happier person today. We almost had a baby before we separated but I'm glad we didn't. I think that makes it so much harder.

I am also a child of divorce and my parents were only married a short time. I'm actually glad they divorced when I was so young. I had a good relationship with my dad until I was a little older and started to see his true colors. I will say that if you do divorce, neither of you should EVER talk negatively about the other parent to your child/children.

I thought my life was over while going through the divorce... That I would never meet someone else. But I met DH right away, actually, before the divorce was final. We have a much healthier relationship. Don't let it stop you from falling in love again and finding someone amazing!

Sorry you are going through this. It's really terrible regardless of the circumstances. I hope you figure out the right thing for you and come out stronger on the other end.

andoll8

I have no divorce experience myself, but I am a child of parents who should have divorced but didn't "for the sake of the children." I think there's something to be said for divorcing on amicable terms and taking advantage of an opportunity to show your children that co-parenting can be healthy, happy, and successful for divorced couples. This also leaves the door open for you to develop a new relationship with someone else with whom you can show your children what a truly happy and healthy marriage looks like.

I'm not in a position to tell what you should/not do, but I hope this food for thought is helpful.

Best of luck and big hugs to you.

NorthernGal248

I cannot give you any concrete input because I do not have any personal experience. However, if there is anything you can do to try to save the marriage and prevent divorce I think you should try. There was something that made you want to marry this man right? Maybe you can get into counseling, or couples therapy, or try something else that might work. If you decide that enough is enough, be sure that you won't regret not trying harder to make it work. Regret is a bitch.

I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

EmilyGolden1

Just want to give you a big hug- so sorry you are going through this- I think there had been a little of wonderful advice and tips from PPs, so I just want to tell you I am thinking of you and I hope you find peace with whatever path you choose. Xoxo

EmilyGolden1

Sorry a lot not a little wonderful advice

pistolpackinmomma

No advice, just (((HUGS)))

ABColeslaw

Eh I have an AE and I've been pretty open about it.  I've never pulled it out on this board, but I do use it to post about very personal things on other boards.  I don't want my family or friends finding that info or employers or you never know. I don't blame the OP at all. 

So here is what I have to say OP.  My H and I are probably ill suited to each other.  I love him, I do and I know he loves me, but we probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.  Our problems started before we were even married (I won't get into it, but we adopted a mentally ill teen and that brought out all sorts of issues)  we also lost a baby late in the game before we were married.  We started our marriage with a lot of loss and sadness.  I honestly don't know why we didn't part before then.  But we didn't. 

Anyway, the first year of our marriage I was pretty sure we'd get divorced.  But I got pregnant with Asher like right after saying "I Do" and I just decided that I had to see how we were as parents together for our son.  I gave it a year  in my head.  If we still had sig issues when Asher was a year old, then we'd have to consider parenting apart. 

I'm glad I gave it the year.  While the beginning right after birth was terrible, I was sick, Asher was sick, both of us hospitalized.  Our living situation was not ideal and we fought over money, somewhere in the course of that year we really started working together as a team, listening to each other, really trying.  And he is a good dad.  I love him even more for it.  We are parenting a child with Autism together and we are doing better than ever.  I'm glad I gave myself a time table and stuck to it.  I'm glad I let things play out. 

I'm not saying that is what you should do, but for me, it changed everything.  That said, we've been in marriage counseling since the day Asher was released from the ICU at 12 weeks old.  That therapy has changed since we got his Autism diagnosis to more support therapy, because parenting a child with Autism is tough stuff.  But counseling for us is something that we're committed to as part of our lives because we're not perfect for each other but both committed to work through the things that make us ill suited.  And none of those things have to do with love.  I love him very much.  But sometimes I hate his guts. I don't mean to poke fun, it is just this man can get under my skin in a way that no one else can and I know sometimes he feels the same exact way about me. 

Neither one of us is easy to live with, we're other difficult people that bring significant amounts of baggage into our marriage.  I can't tell you home many times I've thought "Thats it, I can't"  But I also know now that I chose a good dad and parenting partner and that is very important to me. 

Dplusbsquared

whitehousem and I have very similar experiences.

My 1st DH and I were together 6 years, married 2 before DS came along. I got pg with him when I had 1.5 feet out the door, but I stayed for DS. We made it 2 more years but divorced. We tried counseling but DH1 wouldn't work on his individual issues so it couldn't work. Nice guy but terrible husband. I worked hard on my issues and grew from it. We are now great co-parents to our teenager who is very well rounded. DH1 & I work hard to foster DS's love for the other parent aside from our issues. It's worked great. But that is atypical. We decided our issues are not DS's issues so he shouldn't be burdened with them. I stayed single for over 10 years and worked on my issues and on being the best mom I could be.

I am also a child of divorce. I was old enough to understand and had a lot of resentment over their hatred for each other. It caused a lot of trust issues in me. I was happiest when my parents were apart. They tried several times to make it work but it only hurt me more in the end with each try.

My experienced vote is: if you both love each other deep down, try therapy apart AND together. If you just deeply do not care for him anymore, start the process sooner in your LO's life rather than later. Don't stay just for LO. LO could feel the lack of love and be stunted emotionally by it.

I wish you strength and courage. I know from experience how lost you may be feeling right now. Being PG is hard enough without feeling hopeless too. Only you know what your heart feels. Try to be calm and listen to it. Maybe you should go for individual therapy before you decide. It may help you uncover what's really bothering you. Hugs!

MrsT2008

I have no advice, just wanted to offer (((hugs)))

kramja01

(hugs). I am also a divorce attorney, so feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

lv2011

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been divorced, but it wasn't by my doing and circumstances made it clear saving was not an option for me. However, I will say that if you've worked it out once, you might be able to again. I don't know how open you both are to counseling, but I strongly urge trying before making such a leap.

My DD wasn't lucky enough to avoid the heartache of our break- she was 6. Your little one will have it much easier in that whatever relationship you end up having, if you do divorce now, will be the only one he/she will ever know and not have something to compare it to.

I wish I had some great advice to give, but I don't. Divorce is damned hard and almost always messy. I'm really so sorry that you're faced with this possibility.

keeumm

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with what others have said about counseling. If it is past that point, and divorce is where you are headed, you may want to consider mediation. As mentioned above, it's best to get all of the heavy work out of the way before going to court, and mediation can help with that. It's also significantly less expensive than hiring a lawyer. 

My parents are divorced, then they both married other people, and then they both got divorced from those people. My DH was also previously married, and went through a long and lengthy period of legal separation then divorce. Based on all of this, I can agree with PP who said that sometimes it's better for people not to be together. However, only you will know what is best for you. 

Thinking of you as go through this, and hoping you are able to find peace.