daddy vent

tremolor

both my husband & i work fulltime, so our schedules are pretty hectic. but i can't help but feel like i'm doing the majority of the baby and home care. i make sure we're stocked on food, diapers, wipes, i monitor LO's clothes since at 11 months he still changes sizes pretty frequently, i'm the one reading up on baby nutrition & wellness. DH contributes a ton, but I still feel like I'm in charge (DH says "just give me tasks!") when I'd rather have a partnership. we've talked about this and i created a task list for us on the fridge, but because we're so busy that often gets overlooked. and so i'm the one stopping by the grocery store on the way home getting emergency TP and mum-mums, since that kind of stuff is top of mind for me.

can anyone relate? i'm always thinking about LO and trying to fit the rest of my life around him, and that is my choice. i find with DH it's more like he's focused on himself & work, while secondarily trying to find time to hang out with LO. there are still snippets of old stereotypes in our behaviors. is it traces from previous generations? or are we as moms just hard-wired to nest while dads are hard-wired to provide (ie focus on work)?

MommyAtty

I can totally relate. I have no idea why that stereotype holds. I work more hours than DH. My bonus this year is twice his salary, so I am clearly the breadwinner. He does the laundry and a ton around the house, so it isn't like he's a Neanderthal who thinks certain things are "women's work," but I swear he thinks he's the back- up parent and I'm the real parent. Maybe because for the first 9 months I carried the load (har har har) he got used to thinking that way?

ebp913

I handle all the same things you do.  My husband and I work hard to have an equitable marriage and for awhile I was upset because I handled this stuff and I couldn't "see" what he was doing.  We had a talk about it and I realized that he handles all of our insurance, everything with our house, our long term finances, property taxes, etc.  Despite my disdain for stereotypes, it works best for us if one of us is the lead on each area of our lives.  I am the lead on the kids.  I choose our car seats, I make decisions about what to buy and what not to buy for them and I do far more research on parenting, etc. He tends to follow my lead and go with my recommendations unless we disagree and then we talk about it.  On the other hand, I follow his lead when it comes to picking our insurance, our banking and retirement needs, etc.  While sometimes I feel it's somewhat antiquated, I realize that this is truly what we both want so I'm not upset about it anymore.

On the back up parent thing... I know that's true somewhat in our house with babies.  DH is bad with babies.  He doesn't read them well, he's not sure what to do, etc.  He can handle our toddler ALL DAY but babies just boggle his mind.  I definitely noticed that he took on a lot more and was much more comfortable once the kids turned 1 or so. 

We split household chores pretty evenly but my husband really wouldn't know when it's time to move up a size in diapers.  He's not an idiot but he's not familiar enough with this stuff either. Conversely, I'm sure there are couples out there who operate the exact opposite of what I am describing.  All I have to say is, whatever works!  

Tink112011

ebp913 said:

I handle all the same things you do.  My husband and I work hard to have an equitable marriage and for awhile I was upset because I handled this stuff and I couldn't "see" what he was doing.  We had a talk about it and I realized that he handles all of our insurance, everything with our house, our long term finances, property taxes, etc.  Despite my disdain for stereotypes, it works best for us if one of us is the lead on each area of our lives.  I am the lead on the kids.  I choose our car seats, I make decisions about what to buy and what not to buy for them and I do far more research on parenting, etc. He tends to follow my lead and go with my recommendations unless we disagree and then we talk about it.  On the other hand, I follow his lead when it comes to picking our insurance, our banking and retirement needs, etc.  While sometimes I feel it's somewhat antiquated, I realize that this is truly what we both want so I'm not upset about it anymore.

On the back up parent thing... I know that's true somewhat in our house with babies.  DH is bad with babies.  He doesn't read them well, he's not sure what to do, etc.  He can handle our toddler ALL DAY but babies just boggle his mind.  I definitely noticed that he took on a lot more and was much more comfortable once the kids turned 1 or so. 

We split household chores pretty evenly but my husband really wouldn't know when it's time to move up a size in diapers.  He's not an idiot but he's not familiar enough with this stuff either. Conversely, I'm sure there are couples out there who operate the exact opposite of what I am describing.  All I have to say is, whatever works!  

We operate very similarly.  DH is in charge of finances, car maintenance, and house and lawn maintenance.  I'm in charge of the household and child care.  That doesn't mean that DH doesn't help out, but I take the lead and I let him know when I need his help and what needs to be done.

Sometimes it does seem like DH leads a much more care-free life.  He's never going to be concerned that we're out of milk and make an emergency grocery stop on the way home.  He's never going to be thinking ahead to make sure DS has clothes for the next season or a replenished supply of pull-ups for night time.  But since I never have to worry about our mortgage, refinancing, oil changes, tire rotations, mowing the lawn, etc, it seems like  fair trade?  We both just do what naturally is easier for each of us.

And like PP, DH had NO CLUE what do to with an infant. He is much much better with a 2 year old.  I can leave him in charge with zero anxiety.  When DS was an infant, I knew that DS would spend a lot of time crying because DH just didn't know how to soothe a baby.

cecilyandgautam

Is there some part of the home care or baby care that comes more naturally to him than others? My DH can really be on top of cooking and cleaning, making sure all the bills are paid on time, but it's just not his thing to read up on baby's, brain development, research daycare options, etc. He also doesn't drive, so we each sort of specialize in our own aspect of keeping the household running. We put effort in doing the things that don't come naturally to us (I do cook & clean even though he's better at it), but in terms of who's "in charge" - we go with whoever's more inclined to ensure it doesn't slip. 

Since most of this comes naturally to you, maybe he can pick the 2-3 areas that require on going attention that he's totally in charge of. If he picks grocery shopping and you one day come home to find you're out of milk, he's the one to go out and get some after work instead of you. 

DiveFrog

DH is similar in the sense that he is the short term thinker in the relationship and I am the long term/planner in the relationship. DH has no problem noticing we are running low on items and shopping, or noticing the house is a mess, or dirty and cleaning. In fact he really does all the cleaning now (his choice) and I watch DD so that he can do it. He did most of the cleaning before we had DD too. He is always on top of the yard work and car repairs/maintenance and basically anything that he can see/touch. This includes DD's care. If he smells the need for a diaper change it will get done, if she is dirty he will give her a bath and/or change her clothes, if she indicates she is hungry or thirsty no problem he will feed her. if she needs to sleep he knows her schedule and can and will put her to bed. For the past five weeks he has functioned as a single Dad M-Th since I have been travelling every week for work.  

Now, there are certain areas he wouldn't consider like cooking. That is my department generally. So, when I am gone I have to meal plan and layout what he should have each night and what he should take for his lunches. IT is best if I can even cook the meals and he just has to reheat. He also doesn't pay attention to clothes/laundry since that is also my responsibility so I make sure he and DD have clean clothes for the entire week. And I put DD's outfits together in gallon size bags so it is easy for him and he doesn't have to stress about putting together outfits for her. I make sure he has enough clean cloth diapers to get through the week also.

 

Basically though he doesn't see/pay attention, or plan for the stuff you can't see or what's coming tomorrow. I am, the one that does any and all reading/researching about child development, area preschool programs and classes. I do basically all of our financial planning and just keep DH in the loop and get buy-in or his opinion when changes or decisions  need to be made. I am the one paying all the bills and planning birthday parties, and planning the holidays and making sure all the family activities get scheduled. I make all the Dr. appointments and do ALL the clothes and shoe shopping even for DH. He has no interest in clothes and wears a uniform for work. It wouldn't even occur to him that DD might be outgrowing a certain size, or need something new unless he physically was trying to put something on her that was too small. 

DiveFrog

ebp913 said:

 

On the back up parent thing... I know that's true somewhat in our house with babies.  DH is bad with babies.  He doesn't read them well, he's not sure what to do, etc.  He can handle our toddler ALL DAY but babies just boggle his mind.  I definitely noticed that he took on a lot more and was much more comfortable once the kids turned 1 or so. 

 

 

This was definitely the case in our house When DD arrived. I was nursing and DD was a very high needs baby. DH just wasn't very comfortable and felt like he just wasn't very good at taking care of her. He also fell into the back-up roll since he knew I needed to be with her basically all the time I wasn't working to nurse her. Once she started walking and weaned (15months) and really became a toddler DH became much more comfortable and now it feels much more 50/50 in terms of parenting.

ebp913

K3am said:

I keep telling my husband we need a housewife to get things done. I can dream, right?

Sometimes that's why polygamy sounds like a great idea to me LOL

SunAndRain

I have to say that DH became way more involved with DD after her first birthday. Initially I felt like I was asking him to babysit if I wanted to be by myself for a little while. Now it is an expectation that we share parenting and give each other time for me-time. Other than that DH and I have different strengths. Fortunately he cooks and does a lot of the grocery shopping. But I do all laundry and make sure DD is stocked for supplies and clothes. This works for us. It goes back to each putting in 100% versus expecting everything to be 50-50

traveltheworld

Both DH and I work FT and I have a much more stressful job than he does (he readily agrees on this point), but I still do most, if not all, of the stuff you mention.  I think part of it is that I'm a control freak and want to make sure that when it comes to DS, things are done the way I like them.  And part of it is just that DH is not very concerned with these "daily" things.  For example, I'd spend hours and hours reading up on parenting, toddler nutrition, etc., and DH would never read up on that stuff.  But since I enjoy reading about those types of things and I enjoy grocery shopping/ buying stuff for DS, I don't mind taking on these tasks.  DH helps out by doing the stuff that I don't want to do - e.g. cleaning, mowing the lawn/shoveling snow etc. 

thedash

My DH makes more money but does all our grocery shopping and cooking. He also pays our bills and handles taxes, etc. I do laundry, clean a little in between our weekly housekeeping, and coordinate everything for the kids - clothing, childcare, preschool, doctor appointments, activities, etc. I also spend approximately 1,000 hours a week pumping I think.

shannm

I understand completely and I think a lot of things create this dynamic.
For us it is a combo of how we were raised, our natural instincts, my need to control, his lack of multitasking experience, etc..
I think you are in the right track making lists. The dynamic can change but it is a slow process for someone who can't see what needs to be done to someone who does. So be patient. Be encouraging. Let go of some things and let your DH figure it out, it will help build confidence.
I will say it isn't perfect in my house but we are much closer to a partnership domestically than we were five years ago. Hell, I was able to text this because DH made dinner after staying home all day with them because school was closed. This would have never happened three years ago. We have slowly gone from him "helping" me by turning the oven on to him knowing how to make some meals (as long as the ingredients are in the house, lol.). Also, he has gained a great deal of domestic confidence by being the sole person to do drop off and pickup for our youngest.
So hang in there, it does get better.

*sparky*

I posted the other day about an issue I was having with DH and his lack of daily involvement, but expecting things to just be done. So not exactly the same situation but he was not realizing how many things were just getting done that he never had to even think about. So I started making a list of things to do, and kept track of how much I had gotten done each day.

I too hate having to always be the one to say "will you please do xyz?" because then I am still the one who has to remember that xyz even has to be done. DH may never even think about it.

The list stays out in the open and LO and behold, now DH will see something on the list and will just do it. I think it has helped him realize how many things need to happen every day and also realize how little he was actually doing.

So maybe that would work for you. Sure you still have to be the one to make the list but I created a weekly list on the computer so now we just need to print it out each week and then we check things off as we go.

emberlee3

I don't think we're hard wired.  DH is actually better than I am at getting the kids new clothes and shoes when they outgrow stuff.  We share most of the household tasks, but we do remind each other and have a to-do list on our whiteboard. 

If you need to your DH to do more, speak up.  Don't let it stew.

Bear in mind we've been doing this for 4.5 years, so I'd say we have definitely improved the division of responsibility.  I think it took until DS was at least 3 years old before DH ever cut his fingernails or toenails :P

litzo27

@PrivacyWanted said:

 This is something DH and I have definitely struggled with.  But I've just come to terms with the fact that there are things I'm more intuitive about than he is.  Like he'll notice when the grass needs mowed and do it without asking, but he's just not on the ball about things like clothing sizes. 

He'll also hyper focus on a task that doesn't really need to be done - like rearrange and cleaning out the understairs closet while I'm trying to get ready for DS's birthday party and have lots of little tasks people will notice. 
We operate better when I act as sort of a CEO and delegate him tasks. 

I could have written this word for word. There are tons of things that it would not occur to him to do so if I really need to have him do it I spell it out - and after 15 years together it's mostly smooth but occasionally still annoys me. Luckily once it's out there he has no problem doing them: he does most of the grocery shopping (with my lists), changes the litterbox, take care of the trash, car stuff, computer/electronics, mows the lawn, etc. I put things on his calendar: to take kids to karate on Wednesday, etc. I do all the cooking but he grills every other weekend with enough for several days of leftovers. There are plenty of things that only I do: laundry, clothing shopping, bills but I'm generally ok on those. And I've outsourced cleaning to a service once every two weeks because we both hate it.
And yes I'm also annoyed how he'll can't just do a quick project. If I ask him to move some stuff to the basement he'll put it off for months because "he needs to organize the basement shelves" before he moves stuff there and then will choose the most inconvenient weekend to go OCD on it.

ccam

PrivacyWanted said:

 This is something DH and I have definitely struggled with.  But I've just come to terms with the fact that there are things I'm more intuitive about than he is.  Like he'll notice when the grass needs mowed and do it without asking, but he's just not on the ball about things like clothing sizes. 

He'll also hyper focus on a task that doesn't really need to be done - like rearrange and cleaning out the understairs closet while I'm trying to get ready for DS's birthday party and have lots of little tasks people will notice. 
We operate better when I act as sort of a CEO and delegate him tasks. 

This is pretty much us, too.  Especially the bolded - I'll be cooking or cleaning out the fridge and he'll decide its time to clean the floors.  Of course, I'd appreciate clean floors but not when I'm in the middle of doing something else. 

Anyway - I definitely am the one that knows when DS will need new clothes, or shoes or needs more diapers, etc, but I don't mind all of that stuff.  DH knows when the lawn needs to be mowed or fertilized or the fact that I need new wipers or an oil change.  Those are more of his speed.  But we also split the cleaning and he makes my lunch for work every night.  He also does the dishes and won't sit down at night until everything is done - kitchen is clean, lunches packed, etc.  He does drop off and I do pick ups at daycare.  So the fact that he helps with a lot makes doing those "mom" things not so bad.

When there are times that I need more help, I just flat out tell him.  A list would never work in our house because that's not how DH operates at all!  I would just need to tell him - you need to take on XYZ from now on and go from there.  He needs a real discussion to realize that I'm overwhelmed and need help.  This was an issue when I went back to work after maternity leave.

kristennd

DH does his fair share of the actual labor, but he is just not a planner/organizer. Wasn't before the baby and wasn't after. He even found a career where everything happens in real time rather than needing to plan ahead. I figure holding that against him isn't any different from marrying someone "expecting they'll change." Now, if he objected to me giving him lists of tasks, that would be a problem. But it all works out.

ss+el

MommyAtty said:

 I swear he thinks he's the back- up parent and I'm the real parent. Maybe because for the first 9 months I carried the load (har har har) he got used to thinking that way?

That's a good way to put it! I, too, am the breadwinner, but also the primary task do-er. We have always done our own laundry because we keep track of our own clothing needs, and he usually does the towels, but he has just recently started helping with DS' laundry, and even then he just pulls random stuff instead of making sure he gets the essentials like underwear and his school uniforms.
He also doesn't "finish" anything. Won't put clothes away, groceries away, will unload the dishwasher, but anything but the basics ends up piled on the counter.
Heaven forbid he knows when we are out of anything (except TP, he is on that one like a hawk). If I ask him to pick up milk or something on the way home, he responds with either, "It's ok, you can do it" (like it's a favor) or "lets all go to the store later".

jasminelorraine20

I can completely relate! We don't have a task list or anything but usually since I cook the dinner and clean up, SO gives LO a bath and gets him ready for bed. Now he plays basketball 3 days out the week after work and I've been doing more than my fair share. We had a little chat about him maybe cutting back on that or at least picking up another task so I don't feel so overwhelmed and he ended up doing the laundry last night. Thankfully, all it took was a sit-down.

mrsshawnavanb

I can definitely relate, though I'm not going to be much help as DH is on my shit list right now so I'd just go on and on about how much he annoys me. LOL. But, Thought I'd post just so you know you're definitely not alone on this. 

ASmallWonder

I think it's a matter of priorities.  If your DH was in charge of food shopping and wanted to scramble when there wasn't any food, that may be ok with you but might drive you crazy.  Maybe he wouldn't care if the baby was out of mum mums for a few days or that she went to school in pants a little small because he realized a little too late that the wardrobe needed to be changed out.  I'm extremely on top of things so I do them before they get to the point that DH would feel compelled to address them.  It doesn't mean he never would, just not as quickly as I do so I try to remember that.

82Sonia

I can very much relate.  I feel like I do most of the baby/home care and my husband also says "just tell me what to do."  I want him to just look around figure out what he can help with.  It's been a lot better since I've just started saying "can you unload the diswasher/put away laundry/etc."

tremolor

thanks for sharing all your experiences! i think it's true that we all have our strengths, and my DH is not the best planner. he doesn't notice when we're low on TP and would probably resort to kleenex before going to the store. once we get into the groove of the task list i think things will get better on that front. i've put him in charge of paper goods and we are planning to order that kind of stuff for delivery. so i can't expect him to change, but i can use my planning neuroses to set him up for success with an easy system.

he manages our taxes & car, takes out the recycling, does any furniture installing or babyproofing. he drops off and picks up LO from grandma's house everyday, mainly because he works from home and can fit it into his schedule. i'm also the breadwinner, and don't work overtime like he does, so because of that i wind up picking up even more slack. but he is a great dad and i'm sure once DS is a little older dad will be doing more kid stuff than me (he can't wait til they can go shoot hoops together).

laurakaz13

Nope. Would not work for us.  We are equal partners in parenting and household care/maintenance.  Of course, I did a bit more when I was BFing and I did have to learn to let go and let DH figure out his own routine with DD, which he did!   We agree on the big things, but I love that DH and DD have their own things (certain stories, routines, songs, etc.) that they just do together. 

Do you think you are being too controlling?  Do you ever just leave the house and go do something for yourself and let your DH handle things?  You should.  It's liberating and I also find it unacceptable when women do not take care of themselves anymore just because they become mothers. 

I love spending time with DD, but I do put myself first  occasionally and take care of my needs as well.  For cleaning, hire a service if you can afford it.  Worth every penny!