Need advice - social situation (NBR)

RedCamaro

This Sunday we are going to have a birthday lunch for DH's nephew, who will be turning 12 this month. The situation is that his girlfriend was invited, and is planning to attend (the request was made from DH's mother of all people). We have never seen this girl although they have been an item for over a year now. Here comes the back story and what makes it awkward:

A few weeks before Christmas, his girlfriend broke up with him. We were all until we found out why. Apparently he had been pressuring her to have sex with him! To top it all off, he said that he would kill himself if she broke up with him. She said no and broke up with him, but lucky for us he's a wuss and didn't try to hurt himself. DH and I were floored by this, and are certainly surprised that they are still together with both sets of parents knowing what went on. 

So thanks to Grandma, who has no knowledge of the above, DH and I feel that this is a bad situation to be in. We haven't seen the nephew since the incident, and prefer to have as little contact with him for fear that we'll actually tell him what we're thinking. I don't plan on telling  my MIL of the situation because it's not my place to do so. The only thing I could of to diffuse the situation, is to ask that his younger brother bring a friend to the lunch as well. Which is ironic considering we do birthdays for the kids this way so we actually have family time spent with the kids instead of going to their friend party and not getting to say more than "Hi" to them. What would you do? 

Oh and as a bonus, I had planned to present MIL with a special gift to honor her mother that passed away a year ago this month. Now I feel that I can't do this in front an "outsider". Not saying anything against the girlfriend, the rest of us just don't know. I would rather meet her in a different setting.

caffrin

Wait, he's turning 12?? So he was 11 when he was pressuring his "gf" to have sex? Is that a typo?
I would just say it's a family party and she can't come. If you're throwing the party I don't see that as being out of line. I've never met an 11 year old with a girlfriend. That's bazaar.

RedCamaro

Nope, not a typo...11 years old! The lunch is at a public place, so I don't really have any leeway about it. I think the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing is bazaar too. Especially since he's not an outgoing person. But my opinions on that topic are beside the point.

Getting him a gift was difficult because he's got bad grades in about half of his classes, so all of his stuff gets taken away. I joked with DH that maybe we should get him a playboy instead of what ended up getting him! Our kids, his cousins, were going to give him movie tickets. But I just can't do that thinking that he might take her to a dark place (with no chaperon sitting in between them). I will have to say that knowing about this situation has really altered how I feel about the nephew now. Thanks for your input! I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just crazy.

gina2433

I had to read this 3 times to make sure I understood that he was 12. Wow. Just wow. Maybe I would make up an excuse and send a gift. :-S

mcvgal

wow, I had to re-read this a few times as well. I would recommend having at least one other friend there as well. I don't know why the girlfriend still agreed to go. I would hope that with at least one other non-family member there, she won't feel so much pressure.

I am sorry that you view your nephew differently now, however I would feel the same way.

Natty13umppo

Ummmmmm....awkward!  So....are you hosting the event?  If so, I would normally say you'd get final say on invite list BUT if she has already been invited and grandma and nephew's parents are already on board with this girl attending, then I guess you are kind of stuck.  

I can only hope there is more to this story than you know or maybe there is some misunderstanding....  Or are you not surprised that his parents would be okay with him still being with this girl?  Or maybe they are good with him being with her thinking she will, um, continue to say no and otherwise he might find some girl who would say yes??  YIKES!!!  (And sheesh, what about HER parents?!?!  Do THEY know??!!!)  

Having the brother invite a friend certainly wouldn't make it any worse and maybe it would (for better or worse) put less focus on the "family" nature of the event.  

As far as the gift for MIL....could you kind of play it by ear?  If the event gets weird and it just doesn't seem like the right time, could you save it for later?  But have it ready so if it seems right, you could present it then?

RedCamaro

Natty13umppo said:

Ummmmmm....awkward!  So....are you hosting the event?  If so, I would normally say you'd get final say on invite list BUT if she has already been invited and grandma and nephew's parents are already on board with this girl attending, then I guess you are kind of stuck.  

Nope, I'm not hosting. I thought the 2nd nephew inviting a friend might take the focus off of the girlfriend being there.

I can only hope there is more to this story than you know or maybe there is some misunderstanding....  Or are you not surprised that his parents would be okay with him still being with this girl?  Or maybe they are good with him being with her thinking she will, um, continue to say no and otherwise he might find some girl who would say yes??  YIKES!!!  (And sheesh, what about HER parents?!?!  Do THEY know??!!!)  

No misunderstanding. The girl told her parents who told the nephew's parents. How and why either set of parents are ok with the kid's status is beyond me! I wouldn't allow my kid to socialize with the other one outside of school. They're young enough that the parents still have some control over that. BIL and SIL are very lacking in their chosen parental skills (but that's off topic).

Having the brother invite a friend certainly wouldn't make it any worse and maybe it would (for better or worse) put less focus on the "family" nature of the event.  

As far as the gift for MIL....could you kind of play it by ear?  If the event gets weird and it just doesn't seem like the right time, could you save it for later?  But have it ready so if it seems right, you could present it then?

This sounds like the best way to me to deal with the MIL gift. I'm just torn whether or not I should tell her that I fully expected this to be a family event. I just think that's rude to invite a non-family member to a long standing family-only event without asking everyone if it's ok. There's so much that I'd like to tell them all! But for fear of making things decidedly worse, I'll sit myself in the corner and play mime the until it's over.

smwiggle

If your not hosting, then I think you will just have to bite your tongue and deal.  I can't say I agree with the nephew still being around his girlfriend, but if his parents and hers are ok with it, then there is not much you can do.  

I do understand about wanting to say things about a family member's parenting style.  My nephew (who is 22) started to get into trouble at 18.  I don't agree with the way SIL has handled it, but he is not my child, and there is nothing I can do about it.  Sometimes the only thing you can do is keep quiet to keep the peace in the family.