When to say, "Enough is enough."

Daenaria86

I've post here before, some time ago, with an overwhelming response to leave my SO. I need an outsider's opinion.

We are both in our late 20s. We were dating 9 months when I found out I was expecting. I decided to keep the pregnancy. His parents wanted me to terminate (loved me prior to the surprise pregnancy). 

We had our DS in March of 2013 and struggled a lot off and on. I went back to work after 7 weeks, then ended up quitting my job in July. He works nights, I worked days. I was suffering from very bad PPD (still am). And he wasn't able to care for her once she started to be up during the day. It didn't make sense, because of our income, to put her in daycare. And I wanted to go back to school. 

After the birth of our daughter, we financed a car together. We've had some great memories and been through a lot. My father is dying of cancer, and he's been very supportive, emotionally, with that.

Financially, after I quit my job, I stopped giving him money every month. I still paid for my own food, gas, bills, etc, but I didn't pay for anything towards utilities/mortgage for about 6 months. I think that has a lot to do with our issues - even though I was going to school, primary care taker for our daughter, house keeper, chef, errand runner, etc. I did everything, but it all came down to money. 

Now - he's a complete flake with our daughter. I know he's never been around a baby, but common sense should prevail sometimes. He falls asleep while taking care of her all the time - she recently fell off the bed. I came home from class one day to find him passed out on the sofa, even though he cornered off an area for her to play. On the rare morning I go to work and he is home (I might go work 4 hours, so he would have to stay up until she napped), he didn't turn on the baby monitor in the bedroom so he slept through her crying... until 1 PM and I came home at 1:30. These are all little things, but they happen all the time. Today, even though I told him to go pick her up or move the baby gate before it fell on her (plastic), he took two steps towards her (I was sitting on the floor with homework, he was already standing), stopped, stretched, called for her like she is a dog, and the gate fell and smacked her on the forehead. 

He never puts her in her car seat correctly. He doesn't feed her baby food when I'm at work, only bottles (she's now 10.5 months). When I was sick, I still had full-time baby duty. He wouldn't even let me sleep more than 30 minutes at a time - yet when he's sick, he can sleep the entire day away. I bought our daughter's Christmas toys because he didn't want to dig $50 into savings for a few things. Every time it comes to something for her, he freaks about spending the money. And it's not that he doesn't necessarily have it. 

Anyway. I'm at a point where I'm just so tired. I've never been with a guy who can't help me without my having to ask... and who even ignores my requests most of the time. He wasn't like this when we first met, but he has gotten so much worse over the last year. 

I'm so tired of parenting two people. I'm not sure if I should take a break and go to my mom's for a couple weeks just to clear my head - would that be a bad thing? Sorry this was so long. Kudos to anyone who took the time to read it.

MinnesotaMomma91

So why are you still with this dipshit? Seriously? You dont sound happy, he sounds like a lazy parent so why are you still with him?

Daenaria86

I grew up with divorced parents. I truly didn't want that for my children. So I've been trying. Some family has told me that he is just a man that has to be taken care of - and I don't mind that, but I still expect him to be a man. 

He has some great qualities. He never calls off work - he works hard to provide for us. He is supportive of me not working full time. He just doesn't handle the financial part of that well.

He had really sucky parents, so I try to play off his issues as 'He just doesn't know a different way' but I'm tired of trying to show him a better way.

tig594

He works hard to support HIMSELF.  Dude can't even spend 50 bucks on his kid for Christmas?  I'd also be very concerned about his parenting skills and the safety of my child around this guy.  It sounds like he offers her no emotional support.  Not to be mean, but I think you're making excuses for staying with him.  What excuse will you make when he's supposed to be watching her and she is seriously injured?  

I've made excuses for DD's dad for 4 years.  After DD was born and I found myself still doing all the work around the house, working 40+ hours a week, and caring for DD 99.9% of the time I realized I didn't need her dad taking up space in my house.  Yes, I miss his rent money, but it wasn't worth the stress and building anger I had for him.  That isn't healthy for kids to be around.  It also isn't healthy for your daughter to grow up thinking the way her dad treats her is okay.  It isn't.  You also didn't mention how YOUR relationship with him is.  

MinnesotaMomma91

If your going to keep making excuses for this nitwit what do you want us to say?

We, a board full of single mothers, obviously felt it was better to raise our children alone instead of with men who dont give a shit.

What did you want us to say his behavior is normal and acceptable?

jdias428

It's hard to leave. It is. But if all this has been going on for a long time, it will continue to. Try therapy if you want to, if you think he'd go. My guess is not. But you might have to face that your child living with a broken family is better than the alternative. Just because your idea of broken family is negative, doesn't mean it has to be. You and LO can be happier without him in your life the way he is now. 

"A man that has to be taken care of"... why the hell isn't a man taking care of you? Please do not sell yourself short. You don't have to live like that. 

tig594

What is a broken family now-a-days?  Families now come in so many shapes and sizes that I don't think there is a "normal" anymore.

MinnesotaMomma91

tig594 said:

What is a broken family now-a-days?  Families now come in so many shapes and sizes that I don't think there is a "normal" anymore.

This! There is no longer a standard of mommy daddy white picket fence as normal. Blended families have become the norm. Sides some people are just better coparents then they are couple

20thirteen

My BD couldn't handle responsibility pre-pregnancy and still can't.  He doesn't even bother to really know my daughter, no texts asking how she is or how she's developing.  The last time he saw her, he didn't know she was old enough for solids (she's been eating solids since Thanksgiving!) and he almost seriously injured her because he doesn't know how to hold her!  Your guy doesn't sound like he's doing much better with your LO and he's living with you.  That makes the kind of sense that doesn't.

I've been where you're at, making up excuses to be with someone who is really only out to take care of himself.  Maybe you as well as him, but definitely not your LO.  It's not worth it.  And I'm trying to be as nice as possible about the situation but you have to get it through your head that what is best is leaving.

I agree with Tig and LAM, blended families are more common than "traditional" families.  My parents divorced and I swore to myself I wouldn't do that to my kids either.  But here I am, I never married, but I'm not with BD.  I have a BF who loves DD and plays with her and randomly shows up with gifts for her, and when I'm sick, he babysits. He does so much for her.  BD barely scraped enough money together to give DD a Christmas gift (which she didn't receive until end of January) and that was the only thing he's ever given her.

This "man" of yours isn't really a man until he grows up and takes responsibility and interest in his own flesh and blood.

Sorry if this is long-winded and a little ADD, shit like this pisses me off and I can't stay focused

jellybean529

I think you've reached the "enough is enough" point. He can't even safely take care of his child. He isn't supporting her beyond the bare minimum, if that. Your little one needs a strong, stable family, even if that strong, stable family is just her mom...and he isn't strong or stable. 

tig594

Please don't be offended by the harshness of some of our posts.  I know I'm glad there is another person on our board to bounce things off of.  I think most, if not all, of the ladies here do care what happens to you and your kid(s) and will be here if you need to talk or vent or whatever.  We all make mistakes and, since you asked, we're just being honest about what we think about your situation.  So, I hope we haven't scared you off.  

Gamera3000

I live with my ex (he is not my BD) and he has aspergers. So I frequently have to lay out specifics of how to do regular things like feed the animals and hell still mess those things up either hilariously or maddeningly (depending on my mood). He wants to co-parent my son but I know I'm always going to have to help him with regular things like using my sons name and telling him he loves him.

I think you should go to your moms for a couple weeks, tell your BD that you won't be contacting him during that time, and when you come back have a serious discussion of how things must change for you to stay. While you're gone you can work up a plan for being a single parent. If he lets you down with what he's supposed to do, go immediately to your single parent plan.

I agree with everyone else that this has been WAY too much for you to have to deal with. He needs to grow up.

jdias428

yes, time away could be really great for you to regroup. then do whatever feels best. 

brinaroze1

My husband and your BD sound a lot alike. I have felt the way you describe yourself feeling so many times. We aren't currently living together, though we're still legally married. I know it's not the same, but I consider myself a single parent right now. It's not much different from how things were when we were living together, anyway. 

The time away from him has helped me get my priorities straight. I don't think we'll be getting back together, so I've made my own "single parent plan", as a previous poster has suggested. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking the time to figure out what you need and want for your family. I've come to the conclusion that I can raise my daughter much better on my own than with him. Her welfare is the most important thing to me, and he only puts us both at harm.

jennkg3

I'm in a very similar situation. We actually finally called it quits last week. We have two kids. He's so freaking lazy. I was like you just trying to hold it together because of some kind of ideological perfect family. Truth is if we stayed together I fear my son would be like him and my daughter would marry someone like him. Life is also too short to be with someone who doesn't value and appreciate you (and your daughter). I don't want to be 40 in a dead end marriage with two messed up kids. Good luck we can do it!

jennkg3

Let me add my soon to be ex had a shitty upbringing too, and we tried but his mother recognized he is repeating his dads behavior and said she lays awake at night thinking maybe if she had left when the kids were young things would be better. Maybe you aren't there yet. In my case we have been together 10 years, married 5, and two kids, marriage counceling and all, I made excuses too. I'm done though I want a man who wakes up and thinks how lucky he is to be with me what can he do to make our life better, I'm worth that and you are too. One day you will get there because deep inside you already know that or you wouldn't have asked this. You will be okay