Fustrated with my DH & IF... a bit of a vent!

Amazing817

I honestly lucked out when I met my husband nine years ago, he truly loves me for me and would move mountains if he could. I on the other hand have a hard time letting people move mountains for me, as I always did it for myself and was brought up to be a very strong and independent women by an even stronger single widowed overly independent mother.

Fast forward to trying to conceive... well we found out after a year plus of trying that my husband has some really low numbers when it has come to his SA.
We started seeing a RE at UCONN in CT, did all the tests, and we are moving forward with our first IUI this month.

I think deep down in both of our hearts we both thought that maybe this past month we nailed it and maybe we would of had a little surprise miracle. He was right something just felt different, can't explain it but maybe I just got my hopes up. I feel as if I have been very guarded and a realist during this process while he on the other hard is a hopeless optimist! You can see why I need him in my life, he does ground me and typically he calms me down. However he really struck a cord with me this weekend.

Over the past 17 months I have sorta come to dealing with my cycle beginning every month, its like clock work, there it is again and again. However, Sunday night on our way home he very innocently asked me how far in advance could I take a pregnancy test to know, I was really caught off guard as I haven't taken a test since our honeymoon back in 2012. I just shrugged it off and told him I wasn't sure. Of course I knew the answer but I just couldn't do it. I can't take seeing a BFN, its somehow easier each month to see that my cycle has begun knowing that we are moving along with our treatment plan than seeing and having to take in a BFN. I don't know if anyone else gets it or maybe I have a screw loose but its just easier for me and I'm not looking to take the easy way out but it somehow softens the blow each month for me as I typically deal with it alone while getting ready in the morning compared to waiting for a test to tell me the inevitable.

So after several days of feeling crampy I started my cycle this morning. I called our RE office to inform them and then I called him on my way to work. He got really bumped and just kept going on about how he thought this month everything was different and how he thought it was our month. Well I sorta just lost it, I was a hysterical crying mess for over an hour commute, I know I can't change anything, I know I can't fix his issues but I just hate the fact that he is so let down and I can't do anything about it. Sometimes talking about things in great depth with him doesn't work because over talking about things makes him shut down, so tonight I told him how much his comment effected me about taking a test and he apologized and I just lost it again. I typically only cry at really sappy movies but this whole process has made me break down so much as I feel like all the control is out of my hands. Maybe it just hurt a bit more this month because I felt something different as well and deep down wished for it too but felt horrible telling him this. Probably didn't make things better that my SIL his sister gave birth last Monday and a good family friend last Wednesday so we both have been surrounded by happy go lucky family members and babies as we both feel pretty crappy inside.

I'm so grateful that I have a space to just let it go and just write, thank you to whoever reads this. I am trying to prepare for our 1st IUI and trying to mentally become stronger to handle this next journey that I know we will get through. Thanks xox

jaztastic

We know how you feel!! I charted, and charted, and tried all sorts of herbs and supplements, and month after month NOTHING!! Then your cycle would play games on your and be late and again BFN. Now we do IF treatments and its still hard, but at least I feel more in control. Like maybe I am doing something to help the situation.

I read an article not so long that mentioned that the pain of woman who deal with IF is that similar to cancer patients. We grieve month after month for something that may never be... Hang in there and know that we are all here for you. 

I came across this post on one of the other boards I read... Infertility from a male perspective. Hope this all helps. 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/nate-pyle/the-disgrace-of-infertility_b_4595151.html

chickysue

IF sucks. Hugs to you.

Mozzarella13

Hugs!! You are not alone.

pcrumley

Aww your husband is so sweet, I understand the feeling like "this is it, this is our month" my husband was so pitiful when I told him my body never ovulated on our last medicated cycle. He gets attached, gives the follies nicknames. I can't give advice on how to make it better, but I'm sorry you're going through this, all I can say is take sometime to yourselves and just be together

Canuck13

I'm sorry...we all feel like ths sometimes, and this is a good place to vent about it. It is emotionally EXHAUSTING!!! My SO is really not good with dealing with the disappointment each month (so much so, that he would probably rather we don't do any of these procedures, then constantly be disappointed), so I usually deal with it alone (lots of crying on commute to work) because I'm afraid if I cried too much around him he'd say he won't do any more treatments....arrgh!

mountaineer23

I know what you mean about the pregnancy tests.  I rarely take them either.  For some reason, it's easier for my body to let me know that I'm not pregnant.  I also feel like I'm wasting $ when I take a test and it's negative.  The couple of times that I did take one, I didn't believe the result until I started my period anyway.

Amazing817

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and comment on my vent session. I know that I am not alone because I have all of you and for that I am incredibly grateful because no one in my life knows what we are feeling or going through.

I am beyond blessed and thankful for my husband I just know that he is suffering inside and I want to fix it as much as I want to fix our situation. Our nurse at the RE office came in last month as they were doing my HSG and she said to me that I really lucked out with my husband, I asked why and she said that as she was taking his blood he said that he would rather go through all the tests and procedures than me and he would rather endure everything so I didn't have to feel any pain. She said its not every day that see's a partner who loves their spouse as much as he must love me. "Cue" the tears because I then started crying on the table. Love him to pieces.

@mountaineer23 thank you for making me feel like I was not the only person that didn't want to pee on a stick to receive the news. It's almost somehow easier for me.

@canuck13... I feel like I try to process when I am driving as some days my commute is an hour to hour & half each way depending on traffic. I know I shouldn't be hysterical when I drive but its the only time that I am really alone and I can just cry and get it out as I talk myself through this.
 
@jaztaz1thanks for the article it was a good read. I also never thought of it from the perspective that we are in control now that we are moving forward and doing something about it! Thanks for giving me a different perspective to think about!

Amazing817

@Hoping4LO I'm sorry that you find yourself here. What's meds are you on? I just started clomid 50mg I'm on day 2 of the meds. I'm thinking our IUI will be around the 17th. Keep me posted, sending you lots of baby dust that it's a success!