This is harder than I thought it would be

CurlieWhirlie

I've posted on this board a couple of times before, but here's a short background — I'm in a blended family situation, I have a 4 year-old DS, and my SO has 7 and 9 year-old boys. We have one on the way, due in March. He's been separated from his ex for a little over two years, and we have been living together for about seven months. We live in a different town from his ex, but it's only about a half hour away. His oldest, the nine-year-old, has Asperger's. 

Living with a nine-year-old with Asperger's, even just part-time, is so much harder than I thought it would be. I have done a lot of reading and research, asked questions on this board, etc. The thing that I'm finding hardest is that I'm not a real parent so any annoyance or frustration with a situation, whether because of the other kids, or different rules, etc. tend to be blamed on me. He doesn't care about my feelings as much as he cares about his dad's, because we don't have parent-child love going for us to bind us together. 

Intellectually, I understand outbursts aren't his fault, and traditional "punishment" for bad behavior isn't going to work with him. But emotionally, it's so much harder than I thought it would be to actually *like* a child who sometimes screams at me and calls me names in my home, in front of my child, and speaks to me with a tone of disdain and rudeness at almost all times. Intellectually I know that he doesn't understand tone, and the screaming is often an expression of frustration that has nothing to do with me at all. A lot of little things make the situation that much harder for him — his parents' divorce means he has to transition between homes, and has to understand rules in two different homes. 

I'm working on adjusting my expectations and how I communicate. I'm not really looking for answers here, I guess I really just wanted to post here to an understanding group that this is so, so much harder than I thought it would be.

coffee bean

I can't imagine.  I get frustrated as heck with my daughter sometimes, and couldn't imagine having to reign it in and bite my tongue.  What does your SO think?  Does he think you should speak up more?

CurlieWhirlie

@-auntie- You have an insane memory! :-)

Yes, you're right, SO and I began a serious relationship, and then got pregnant, before the divorce was completed. And even though his dad was out of the house for years before that, you're right that because he's nine, and he hears things, he does have a hard time processing some of this. Feeling two ways about something is hard for an ASD kid, I've read. Like, "I wish mom and dad were still married" but "I'm glad dad's happy" and "I'm excited about the new baby". That's hard for any kid.

Since the last time I posted, I've met the kids' mom (she's very nice), and both she and SO are on board with me figuring out my own relationship with the kids. Neither one of them is all "don't try to discipline my kid" — I guess my frustration is more from feeling like no matter what I do, it always seems wrong. I always get yelled at, and it's not a nice feeling to dread a child coming to my house because I know I'm going to get called names when something happens that probably has nothing to do with me.

The suggestion of therapy has been brought up, and I think it's a good one — for all of us! But that's not a decision I can make on my own, since he's not my kid. I think that's one of the hardest things about this whole situation, is the gray area between "child who lives with me" and "not my decision".

Thanks for the responses, ladies. @fredalina you're right that 7 months isn't very long, and it's going to take more time. Thanks for reminding me.

joshsmandy

I did not read all of the posts above so forgive me if this was already asked. Do you think maybe he is doing some of it to get a reaction out of you or his dad? My son did this a lot, he would tell me he hates me or sometimes that he wished I would die to get me to get upset, I stopped showing him a reaction to it and he stopped doing it. It does get better it just takes time to figure out what triggers them and how to calm them. I use deep pressure therapy with my son when he starts getting frustrated and it works wonders.