Help with my teenage SD- suggestions needed

sweetsunnyc

Hi All-

I usually post on the working moms board, but I thought this question would be best answered here A quick summary of my family- My DH and I were both married previously. He has a 14 year old DD (my SD) and I have a 5 year old DD. Last December, we had DD3 together. Anyways- SD lives with us full time because her mother is a mess and we are starting to have some major issues. Besides her attitude and apathy being awful (which I know is a typical teen thing) we have caught her in several lies and now her school work is starting to slip (she's in 9th). Through the school, we have access to her assignments and grades. DH checked this morning and she has D's and C's. Here's the thing- SD is incredibly bright and has always made A's and B's in the past. Her poor grades are due to her not turning in assignments. My feeling is that she spends all of her time on the phone and goofing off on her computer and she's not doing her homework. Besides the obvious taking away her electronics, which will be done as soon as she gets home today, I need help with additional punishment ideas. I hate to even say the word punishment, but I need her to know that we are serious. We keep saying "Well, thank God that she's not doing drugs or sneaking out", but I know these things are right around the corner if we don't get some good structure in place. So I guess my question is how do you hold your teens or step teens accountable for their actions and what are the consequences when they don't? She does have daily chores, but I think that it could be much more. Right now, all she is responsible for is unloading the dishwasher, doing her own laundry and getting her homework done (which she's clearly not doing) How much responsibility do your teens have and how do you keep them in line? When I met DH, SD lived with her mom during the school year and decided that she wanted to live with us full time last summer, so this is all new to me. I care about her very much and I don't want to see her make horrible mistakes. Would appreciate any advice.

Wahoo

I would not think of punishments, I would think of "natural consequences."  Your homework is not getting done?   Then you don't have extra time to text your friends or play with electronics so no phone.  And you need to stay home and read a book instead of going out with your friends.  You were out past your curfew last weekend?  Then you don't go out this weekend.  And your curfew is moved earlier by 1/2 hour (or however late she was) until you can prove to us that you can come in on time.

Your DH just checked her homework and grades?  He needs to be on top of that more.  Like checking every Friday for missed assignments before she is allowed to make weekend plans.

I would also talk to her and ask her if anything is wrong.  Check her health, and also her emotional health.  Sometimes slipping grades is a sign of depression or problems in other parts of her life (friends, boyfriend).

 

scloud27

We had a similar situation last year with my SD. We required our daughter to write her assignments in her daily planner and each day she had to get her teachers signature indicating the assignment was correctly written. If she came home without signatures she lost all electronic privileges for the night. If she had signatures she had all privileges after her hw was complete. (And made her show us her work).We of course contacted her teachers and let them know our plan and that it was SDs responsibility to ask for their signatures. Although SD didn't like it at first she realized she had the power to earn or lose privileges so she got better pretty quick. We kept that up for one month and haven't had problems with her not turning in work since then. Now, she was in 7th grade, not 9th but thought i would share what worked for our family.

sweetsunnyc

Hi All-

Thank you for the great advice- We had a long talk with her last night and made our expectations very clear. All electronics have been taken away until grades are raised and she is grounded until we see a change in her behavior. She will also be expected to help with a lot more around the house. Checking in on her homework every day is a great idea as well- can't believe I didn't think of that before.

Thanks again