Family and In-laws that hate each other

MayKay12

Anyone else have family and in-laws that hate each other? How do you handle your kids birthday parties or any other family related events? I know they should just be adults and get along but it creates such horrible awkwardness that I can never enjoy it. I'm sure the kids will pick up on it eventually.

katykatykaty

I have zero tolerance for dumb behavior like that, so I would probably invite everyone to one event and tell them that if they can't pretend to get along, it would be the last time they were invited to anything I hosted. 

matthewmegan

Is there a reason or back story as to why they don't get along?  Mine are very competitive with each other, but are always nice and civil when they are together.

ceh789

"Hate each other" is fairly strong language - is there some history there?  Like @katykatykaty said, I'd ignore it and stop inviting anyone who can't behave like an adult - but if there's a relevant background you haven't mentioned (business deal gone bad?  I don't know...) I might try to facilitate some kind of reconciliation in the interest of peace.

MayKay12

It's money related hate. I didn't really want to get into the long history. Basically my parents should have been paying for something that they made a promise on and went back on that promise and left my father-in-law with the bills.

Ceventa

6 years of marriage and 7 years of our families knowing each other even before my husband and I got married, we're still trying to figure out how to balance the personalities of both our families. It really sucks sometimes, there's a lot of sensitivity and miscommunication/misinterpretation between the two. I can only imagine how much more it will be amplified once the baby arrives and emotions are at an all time high. This weekend was our shower and once again the day after was spent dealing with the fall out.  8-|

erind0213

This year for birthday I tried to cut back on the number of times we celebrate DD's bday. DH's family is big on Birthdays, mine not as much but likes getting together esp. with the little ones.

Anyway, my MIL is jealous of my mom, and although they are civil there is always tension and it is so obvious when we combine MIL's family and mine there is awkwardness. MIL makes everything a competition.

In some ways I am grateful that our house is small and we can't often do combined family celebrations, so we just do a bunch of little ones. It's exhausting but it is what it is.

MayKay12

Ceventa said:

6 years of marriage and 7 years of our families knowing each other even before my husband and I got married, we're still trying to figure out how to balance the personalities of both our families. It really sucks sometimes, there's a lot of sensitivity and miscommunication/misinterpretation between the two. I can only imagine how much more it will be amplified once the baby arrives and emotions are at an all time high. This weekend was our shower and once again the day after was spent dealing with the fall out.  8-|

I hate dealing with the fall out. Something that should be fun just turns into something stressful.

Ceventa

MayKay12 said:

6 years of marriage and 7 years of our families knowing each other even before my husband and I got married, we're still trying to figure out how to balance the personalities of both our families. It really sucks sometimes, there's a lot of sensitivity and miscommunication/misinterpretation between the two. I can only imagine how much more it will be amplified once the baby arrives and emotions are at an all time high. This weekend was our shower and once again the day after was spent dealing with the fall out.  8-|

I hate dealing with the fall out. Something that should be fun just turns into something stressful.

Yes! I was telling my husband that yesterday. Instead of spending the following day talking about the funny things that happened at the shower while the guys watched the game, there was tension and avoidance making things uncomfortable. 

LolaX2

Ugh I know how you feel and would love a magic "fix" as well. Both my and DH's parents are divorced and can't stand being around each other AND each set has issues with each set of inlaws! I hate it! It is so much harder now that we have kids. We want all sides to enjoy birthdays and holidays with our kids but it is so hard to accommodate everyone. We have tried doing just one or 2 big events and telling each of them suck it up and just tolerate each other for one day/few hours for the grandchildren sake but it just ends up being so stressful and  uncomfortable for us that it is not worth it. We will have been married 10 years this August and were dating/engaged for 4 years before that and we still haven't figured it out!

It makes it so hard to enjoy holidays etc. Before we had kids we would just suck it up and do everything 4 different times but I won't put my kids through that...I mean Christmas for us used to be starting at 8am and ending at about 10pm spending about 2 hours at each place. We at least started telling everyone once we had DS that we will not be carting him (or new baby) all over but all would be welcome to stop in and see us throughout the day. UGGGHHH I am so sick of dealing with our parents issues! 

clo1982

If you and your DH are comfortable with awkward conversations I would say to just sit them down separately and get it out there that they need to get past whatever happened. Future events that are supposed to be fun (bday parties, holidays, etc) are not going to get f'd up because of a grudge or negative feelings. So if they don't want to move on, or at least act cordial so everyone else doesn't have to feel uncomfortable being in the same room, you and your family will not be inviting them to events and will start your own traditions without them...this also doesn't mean you will cart your kid(s) around to accommodate 2 separate events (2 Christmases if you celebrate that, or whatever), it means they will not be a part of special days going forward because you won't have them ruined and your memories tarnished because of their inability to get past things.

 

Money issues are tough to get past, but at some point you gotta just let it go!

aesmom

We all live in different states. They never visit at the same time. I think they only saw each other once after our wedding. My MIL can't stand to see pictures of my kids with my parents. So she just doesn't get pictures from events that they are at. My FIL thinks my dad tries to manipulate my husband, which couldn't be further from the truth. It is just a mess. So until I have to worry about it, keeping everyone apart is the easiest. The only big events that I can see being an issue are graduations and I have 13 years before that happens. Hopefully by then everyone will have chilled the f out. 

Natty13umppo

I wouldn't say that my parents and ILs hate each other, but I would say it is quite obvious they would never hang out if it wasn't for DH and I  being married.  I try to remind myself that they are all adults and they have been (for the most part) civil to each other, but *I* am so uncomfortable when they are together because it seems so awkward that I am happier with separate family events.

If it was up to me, I'd be happy keeping thanksgivings/christmas/etc with one family or the other and switching off.  Unfortunately, I have this massive anxiety that as we have kids and probably spend more time here at home (as opposed to traveling to my parents or DH's parents for holidays), DH's parents will ALWAYS want to show up no matter what (they are closer and have other family in town here) and I will never have another holiday with just my family again.   

MayKay12

Natty13umppo said:

I wouldn't say that my parents and ILs hate each other, but I would say it is quite obvious they would never hang out if it wasn't for DH and I  being married.  I try to remind myself that they are all adults and they have been (for the most part) civil to each other, but *I* am so uncomfortable when they are together because it seems so awkward that I am happier with separate family events.

If it was up to me, I'd be happy keeping thanksgivings/christmas/etc with one family or the other and switching off.  Unfortunately, I have this massive anxiety that as we have kids and probably spend more time here at home (as opposed to traveling to my parents or DH's parents for holidays), DH's parents will ALWAYS want to show up no matter what (they are closer and have other family in town here) and I will never have another holiday with just my family again.   

That's how I feel too. *I* feel really uncomfortable with it and can't enjoy it. Honestly I feel like it would be a little easier if both sets lived nearby but my parents live states away and my in-laws live nearby. However, my mom flies out for every big family event, which makes it hard to say see ya we are going to celebrate with the in-laws too.

ProudMommy030614

My family is easy, we all think that mil is bat shit crazy. We tend to only invite her to certain family functions and we usually tell her a later time to show up. I have tons of resentment towards her and how she treated H while he was growing up.

LolaBelle11

I invite everyone to my house for one event. I love to see my mother in law squeem.... 

scannalee

bandteacher said:

My mom hates my dad and stepmom and we refused to have 2 showers, so my mom skipped it. We're only having 1 birthday party, so hopefully she grows up before next year.

I've had to deal with a bit of this too and all I can do is pray that they can grow up enough to be in the same room before birthday parties start happening.  It's so stressful and tense!