Telling friends/family about fertility issues

erinfrank8

So ever since my husband and I got married we've been getting the "when are you having kids?" questions from everyone. We started trying January 2013, initially got pregnant and then miscarried. We kept all of this between us because it is very emotional. We've been trying ever since without luck. Now the baby questions that didn't really upset me before are really getting under my skin. I just want to tell everyone that we've been trying, but at the same I don't want the added pressure from our friends and family knowing that we're struggling. Any advice in this area? On a side note I'm making an appointment to start testing to figure out what's going on.

Twinkie0612

We really didn't tell people until we hit the year mark and then we started with family (we needed to verify some family history for our forms).  Slowly over the next year to year and a half we started telling more people.  We are at 2.5 years now and our immediate family, close friends and a few coworkers know.  

I am not completely open at work just because in the past there is one higher up that discriminated against a girl because she was pregnant (it turned out that she decided to be a SAHM and didn't come back after ML, but she had a good case against him) and I don't want him to know that we are doing IF treatments as it could affect opportunities for me.

ktupiak

I have been very open with our friends and family. Both families have been asking since we got married but didn't know there were going to be issues. So when wr told everyone we were trying of course i couldnt keep it to myself very long. After a year of no success I decided to get checked out. I was diagnosed with PCOS which noone in my family has. So to kind of stop them from asking everytime we saw them I let them in on what was going on. I guess . I am just very open and I need people to talk to about things. I feel its better for them to know along with our group of friends. Without oneof them I wouldn't have found my way here.

Pintobean39

Unfortunately lots of ppl know now. We kept TTC between just the two of us until my first pregnancy. When ppl asked I just said "nah I'm to old for that, my kids are basically grown." My husband was so excited that he told everyone I was pregnant then I lost it at 10 1/2 weeks. Then pregnancy 2 and 3 and mc 2 and 3, all within 5 months, I had to talk to friends and some family or I was going to have to be committed. So now immediate family and friends know I'm doing treatments.

ronniesgirl1981

I'm in the closet, but now that we are moving to IVF that may change. I just wanted to say that this isn't an all or nothing scenario. For example, I don't think I'd share dates or timing. But there are definite pros and cons to both sharing and not sharing.

pcrumley

@erinfrank8 We're "out" to our family. There's a HUGE amount of pressure on myself and my husband to have a baby from his side, (there hasn't been a baby for 22 years) it's normally boughten up at family get togethers, the usual "you're next" "when are you guys going to start" idk just know that INFERTILITY is a hard thing for people to wrap their heads around, unless they've seen an RE they just don't understand. So you may get hurtful comments, hurtful questions, hurtful suggestions, even though they do mean well. I've gotten " well, are you sure you're doing it right." Uhm yes! If you'd like a way to differ, or distract if you're not ready to talk about it with that person, do so. .but if someone asks and I don't feel like telling them I'll respond "well, we're seeing a few doctors" and if they are generally invested and want to know more I'll fill them in. People are curious and dumb at the same time. They wanna know what rE's are, what's an iui, how much does it cost. They are nosy. Go through with your husband before you come out and be on the same page with what you're willing to talk about, if he's mFi, he might not want people to know. Good luck! Feel free to message me, if you'd like

indianaalum

I am in this current "do I tell or not" phase. Realistically, my age probably gives it away since I am pretty sure people know I wasn't going to wait several years to have a baby.

ReneeJ2011

******BFP mentioned not mine********

I told my mom and my 2 BFF's  when we first started trying...then about 4-5 months in I told my co-workers I'm and L&D nurse so we talk about pregnancy and all things surrounding pregnancy frequently; my coworkers know when I'm on Progesterone cause I'm hot all the time, they know I temp vaginally (TMI), and how frequently we BD'd around ovulation and what my BBT is doing.  Then around the year mark we told DH's mom and the rest of my family that we were starting infertility testing.  I've been pretty open about it the whole time.  The crazy part is the 2 BFF's I told are FERTILE MERTLE's like BFP's on the first month and another while on BC kind of people but they have been my biggest support besides DH.  

rox825

It's a personal decision depending on what you're comfortable with. Initially I told my mom, sister, and a few close friends about testing, clomid, and my fibroid hysteroscopies. But after that long break from surgery in early 2013, since we started trying again I haven't told anyone any details. I realized that I just don't want people knowing the details because IF treatment is pretty invasive and personal. This board is my place to talk about it!

erinfrank8

Thanks for the advice ladies. I talked to my husband and I think we're going to start telling our families and close friends. And I'll definitely be on this board for all of your wonderful support. It's nice hearing from others who understand the emotions that come with all of this.

TTCBabyJ

I didn't decide to be open about it until DH pointed out to me that most of our family and friends could probably figure we were having some issues. And he was right when I "came out" to my aunt she said she was waiting for me to say something. Most of my family and friends know I love kids and always wanted to be a mom. I did come out at work my Dean also had some fertility issues (endometriosis ) and she totally understands when I have to miss work for doctor's appointments.

supermorena

I'm pretty much in the same boat as what Twinkie said. I was nervous to start talking about it because I'm a pretty private person and really didn't want anyone to know we were trying, let alone have problems. To be honest though, I feel like a weight has been lifted since we darted sharing with close friends and family. I'm still pretty strategic about who I tell and what details they get, but I think talking about it has eased some of the emotional toll this has all had on me. Plus, some of the people I've shared with have been through it themselves.

Saintelizabeth

****BFP/Loss mentioned***

We came out to our families once we started seeing our RE, but both families knew we were trying. I’m the oldest of 3 girls and both sisters had “oops” BFP’s in first year of my TTC.  One miscarried at 5wks and the other sister had my niece this past summer. Once both these events happened I started to get the “when are you going to start trying?” pretty frequently. I’m the oldest and the only one married. It was a huge relief to come out of the IF closet.  Now instead of the constant questions of when we are going to have a baby, out families ask how treatment is going.

 

It’s still really hard at times because family will say hurtful things unintentionally. My MIL doesn’t know how to inquire about treatment. Once I month I get asked “are you experiencing morning sickness yet?” I want to punch her in the face every time.  But I know that’s her way of asking how things are going so I refrain from taking any swings at her

jaztastic

Its a personal decision. I have only gotten around to telling those closest to me. I told my boss because I wanted her to know why I would be needing off for so many appointments or being late some days. But my family doesnt even know the extent of my IF. They just knows we are having a little trouble. And I have a few best friends that know the details. Most people I trust know we have complications, especially after our MC and nothing further. I like to keep it at that. 

alya219

My DH and I are completely out of the closet everywhere. But we had a long conversation about it before making that decision. Most people at my work know about it because I have had to take days off, come in late, leave early for appointments and such. I decided to be open about in hope it might help someone else in my situation. My fertility issues are most likely caused from under going intense chemotherapy 3 years ago so I know there will be others looking for support. Everyone that knows and has had a conversation with myself or my DH has been overly supportive. It has been a good thing for me because we too often get the when are you going to have children questions. So it helps elevate that pain. Hope that was helpful.

Drgn30

I'm out to my family b/c of my previous loss. I will not tell anyone at work b/c I'm not comfortable with them knowing my business and I don't want my boss to think that I'm just counting down the days til I'm out of maternity leave.

I came out of the TTC/IF closet to a couple of friends last weekend.  One friend was very supportive.  She listened, asked questions and validated me.  The other one was a fucking nightmare.  She kept saying, "why are you stressing about it? Stop comparing yourself to other people...."  then she told me about all of our other friends who are currently pregnant.  The icing on the cake was when she was describing how many twins/triplets are in her class.  "that's what happens when people go the fertility medication route...."  Thanks, bitch.  Learning lesson for me.  Now I will be very selective about who I share with.

penad5

I wanted to keep it just between DH and me, but apparently DH didn't get the memo... and he told basically everyone he works with... so they told their wives and so a lot of people know.

I still kinda kept it just to family and close friends - however since i started IVF it seems i'm telling anyone who asks, even perfect strangers... I guess it's just on my mind

Just do what feels comfortable for you, you never know how people will react so just be ready for anything

pcrumley

Omg @drgn30 can I just say I love your profile picture, (insert Tina moan here) lol

Sha259

We are out of the closet to immediate family (our mothers, my sister and my grandmom). I'm also out to my close friends in and outside of work. But we don't tell anyone the specifics about when we are cycling or anything. Luckily, no one has shown too much interest in the specifics of what we're going through, so I dont have to explain too much.

nmccombs11

me and dh are partially out..my mom and dad know and the rest of my family knows what's going on. my best friend and and his sister know. I want to tell his mom and dad but he doesn't want to. it bothers me because it feels lie we are hiding things from them.

MrsCamo

A few of our close friends, my aunt, my MIL have known since testing began. My best friends have known since we started trying. Now that I'm going in for surgery in a couple weeks, we've told my parents, more friends and a couple more family members. We tend to keep a lot about our relationship behind closed doors, as I just don't feel a lot of things are other people's business, but it has been good for me to be able to talk about it more. And at least most of the "when are you going to have a baby?" questions stopped now.