BFN Reflection/vent

dltst37

So yesterday was my beta. results= BFN. Although I've been getting BFN with pregnancy tests for close to two years.....going beta or bust and getting the phone call was a lot harder this time than poas has been. I think it's because I was really hopeful with the treatment and felt like my old self for the first time in a really long time. The thing that makes IF so challenging for me is this sense of loosing myself. The real me is a lot of fun, spontaneous, social, and outgoing. I feel like with IF my cycle runs my life. It dictates my schedule makes me think twice about making plans to go out of town or out with friends- because you know I might need to do and injection or have sex or get an US, or a blood draw. It just gets exhausting. So I find myself saying no to invitations a lot more than the real me wants to be. Then within a cycle I feel like I crash after the BFN, feeling ultra low, live in that sad place while AF is around. I get feeling more and more like me and the by the second week of the TWW I actually feel like me again- only to crash and lose myself again. This is what I've been thinking about today and wondering how long I'm willing to keep doing this. Does anyone have a timeline they have set to say when you are just done trying?

jencity9

I'm sorry to hear about your beta. my RE has me POAS at cd14 but I can see where it would be so hard to have to get the news that way.

((((Hugs))))

I don't have a time line yet but do agree that this all takes such an emotional toll. I had to tell some friends recently who want to do a weekly girls trip that I wouldn't be there this year unless they made the trip in Orlando (where I live). And then one day I made lunch plans where I used to live about 1 1/2 hours from here and had to push way back (almost cancel) because turns out I had to do IUI that day (which of course I was happy about but still).

It is crazy what we have to put up with. And sometimes I wish people knew that on top of all the grieving we go through, there's the meds that cause so many symptoms (that I have to insert vaginally!!), shots to give myself, constant tests and opening my legs for everyone, etc. etc. sorry I don't have any answers, but I do feel ya!

pcrumley

I understand, we all feel like giving up sometimes. I know a lot of these ladies self pamper, baths, wine, shopping, chocolates, it's deff not a baby, but it helps distract from all the negativity. I feel like a guinea pig sometimes, in the last two months I've had 4 u/s 13 blood draws, 3 dr appts, and tons of medication. I have to keep telling myself it's worth it, or until my husband gives into adoption lol. . I'm sorry you're not having a good night. The beta phone call would be horrible. I wish they would just leave it in a voicemail, and be sincere about it. . [-O< It seems you're a pcos girl like me, I know it sounds lame but sometimes I'll go to the pregnancy forums, and read siggies, and when they have a pcos diagnosis and have babies, or a pregnancy it gives me that glimmer of hope. It also helps to have someone other than DH to talk about this stuff. . Feel better!

lookingup84

Sorry for your BFN I totally feel this way each cycle. I struggle with anxiety and have found the 2ww so frustrating.  Not to mention being dragged down when in the end it doesn't work. Serious emotional roller coaster!!

I've set the three IUI mark for myself (currently in that cycle). Since my RE wants to reevaluate (as many do) at that point, I think that will be when I take my break and focus on getting back to me.  In the beginning, my RE made it sound like if IUI doesn't work it's ok, there's always IVF, but I really think I will have to emotionally prepare for that.  After all the disappointment and stress of wanting a sticky babe with each of these IUIs, I just don't think I can rush into all that IVF entails.  GL and hope that we all find the grace and strength to take each step through this journey.

Sigh202

It does take over your life. 2 IVFs and 4 IUIs later, I'm in the 2ww again. I don't have an end set but will keep trying for now. I guess I'm still at the point where I would have regrets in the future if I gave up now.

pmpknbride

I'm sorry about your BFN BETA, I got mine yesterday too after my second IUI and was crushed. I'm waiting on AF to start my 3rd IUI, don't know where the heck she is, I'm on day 16piui. I have one more go around following the same protocol and then we will regroup and get a new plan, which I assume is IVF. I'm not sure how many IUIs I have to have before insurance covers IVF, so if I have to do more IUIs for that, then that is the only reason I'd keep doing them. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for IVF right now, so I'll be ready to proceed right away. I think I will try 2 rounds of IVF with fresh eggs and then I'd be done trying and would move to adoption. DH was adopted from Thailand as a child, so I know we'd go that route. I get what you are saying about IF running your life! I feel the same way, I feel pretty isolated these days . I've turned down trips to California and Germany this year because I couldn't be away and miss US, BW and IUIs, such a drag!

dltst37

You ladies always make me feel better. Just got back from a 5 mile hike in the woods with the dogs. DH is out of town so I'm having to work hard to keep myself busy. busy and a give helps. We are not even close to stopping IF treatment yet, just starting to talk about what our stopping point will be. Our insurance barely covers anything- although my RE does what he can for us in the way he codes tests, etc. So in addition to weighing the emotional toll we also at some point will have to decide when we can't/ won't keep spending. This months bills were $800, so at some point that will be a factor. For now it's a month at a time.