Cutting the ILs? Some of the ILs? Yikes!

Valie18

So... My Mom is hosting a shower for me and asked for input on the guest list. I gave her my list of family and friends and she added it to her list of friends.

She decided that the party was too big so my friends were cut. That is fine. Now she is wanting to cut DHs family. There are literally four women I had on the list from his family. MIL, SIL, step-MIL, and mother of step-MIL.

I am a little hesitant about this and Mom isn't sure what to do either.

Mom is particularly happy to not have MIL and SIL attend. She figures that this is okay since MIL has mentioned throwing me a shower and MIL would invite SIL. And... when they threw me a surprise wedding shower they didn't invite her.

I think I have four possible options. Encourage Mom to invite the four. Encourage Mom to invite the step-ILs. Encourage Mom to invite none of the four. Tell her that I no longer have an opinion (I think this might just make her mad at me but I'm willing to give it a try.)

WWBSBD?

Chichigo

I would ask my mom to cut her friends before cutting my friends or any of my inlaws, unless you know for sure MIL is throwing a separate shower. I would not accept "MIL didn't invite mom" to an event as a reason to not invite MIL, unless you plan on doing separate parties for every birthday.

TikiTurtle

I agree with PP. I know the host gets to influence the guest list, but it seems a little odd to me that she would cut your ILs before her friends. Now if a second shower was already being discussed that might be different, but in this case it seems like she's just being vindictive.

VOR

I go a couple ways on this.

On one hand, your mom doesn't HAVE to host both families just because she offered to throw a shower.  Your ILs can throw a shower too (which it sounds like they might do anyhow).  BUT I usually say that when you're talking about a lot of people.  4 is NOT a lot of people. 

Which leads me to - it seems like there is some pettiness going on here on your mom's part.

Honestly, I think I'd have a talk w/ your mom.  Along the lines of "while DH & I getting married kind of brought the two families together, us having a baby is going to do that even more so.  I'd REALLY like to start this new chapter w/ a sense of acceptance and cohesiveness.  We're only talking 4 people (or maybe even 2 if she's really more focused on your MIL and SIL??)  I don't wnat to start this new chapter in our lives by drawing lines and excluding people.". 

While this is her party to host, at the same time, she does need to get used to the idea of having to "share" w/ the ILs.  As someone else mentioned- b-day parties, etc.  You aren't going to be doing separate events for both sides, or so I doubt you would! 

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MamaLlama14

Generally speaking, the host gets the final say- she's paying.  However, I do think it's appropriate for you to push a little bit when it comes to ILs- especially only 4 of them.  Even if MIL is planning to host a shower for you as well, there's no polite way to ask about that and it's still not a good reason to exclude her from being invited to this one by your mother.  Other extended ILs, maybe, but MIL at the least- as she's the other grandmother- should be extended the invite.

I say encourage mom to keep them on the list, but don't push too hard.  It seems like there's more to it than the size of the guest list and she may not respond well to forcing the issue.

Valie18

Yes, I believe there is more going on than the size of the guest list. Mom's relationship with MIL and SIL is not good. SIL treated my sister poorly when they were in our wedding party. MIL has been openly critical of my family. MIL made my Godmother cry at my wedding shower hosted by Godmother. It is icky.

When I am hosting birthday parties etc. they will all be invited. But that is me hosting.

I like the idea of encouraging Mom to keep them on the list if she is mentioning it, and letting it lie if she is not.

MrsMac613

I also think you should encourage your Mom to keep all of them on the list. 4 people isn't that many more. And as you don't know for sure if your MIL is going to host a second shower she should be invited to this one. 

Even if your mother isn't fond of them they will all be apart of your LO's life and should probably do their best to get along or at least be civil to each other at family gatherings. I feel like not inviting them might cause more tension in the future. If you mother is already pointing out that they didn't invite her to something they could just keep going back and forth forever. Hopefully your mom can put her own feelings aside for this one. 

VOR

Valie18 said:

SIL treated my sister poorly when they were in our wedding party. MIL has been openly critical of my family. MIL made my Godmother cry at my wedding shower hosted by Godmother. It is icky.

Eh, this might change my opinion!!  If they are really like THAT, I don't blame your mom for not wanting to host them. There is a point where your nasty behavior actually has repercussions!  They're nasty to your family?  Then why should they be invited to stuff hosted by your family?

For all my talk of getting along, it sounds like its' REALLY on the MIL's part that things aren't nice. Don't know that your mom should have to pay the price.

Helenahhandbasket

Honestly, I would invte all four.  It's a few hours of your life/ mom's life.  I think not inviting them will cause more unneeded drama.

VOR

Darbie914 said:

It would probably feel great to snub the ILs but in fact, her daughter would be stuck in the middle of the drama and thus have to feel even more conflicted.

I'm not saying to not invite her because it would feel great to snub them.  I just feel that her mom has a valid point.  This woman (MIL) has been astoundingly rude to their family and I can fully understand why her mom doesn't really want to open her home to her. 

 

I don't disagree with you that it could put the OP in the middle, and in the end, this is something her and her mom need to talk about and figure out the best solution.

I just don't blame her mom one bit for not wanting to have the MIL in her home.  If someone had acted like that to MY family, I'd have a hard time being the bigger person. 

dufferoo

It honestly sounds like your mom just wants a grandma shower for herself, with only HER people! While that's queer, I would be inclined to just roll my eyes and let her go, and then hope MIL is a little more inclusive with her shower. It would be awesome if you MIL was open to inviting your friends and your mom!

soylatte

Darbie914 said:

VOR said:

Valie18 said:

SIL treated my sister poorly when they were in our wedding party. MIL has been openly critical of my family. MIL made my Godmother cry at my wedding shower hosted by Godmother. It is icky.

Eh, this might change my opinion!!  If they are really like THAT, I don't blame your mom for not wanting to host them. There is a point where your nasty behavior actually has repercussions!  They're nasty to your family?  Then why should they be invited to stuff hosted by your family?

For all my talk of getting along, it sounds like its' REALLY on the MIL's part that things aren't nice. Don't know that your mom should have to pay the price.

I can understand how her mother may not want to be involved with her ILs based on their past behavior/experience.

But in this case, I really feel like she should rise above the negative and be the bigger person, if this is indeed the underlying reason.  It would probably feel great to snub the ILs but in fact, her daughter would be stuck in the middle of the drama and thus have to feel even more conflicted.

Your mom needs to be the bigger person here. Suck it up and invite the in laws. They will be sharing a grandbaby and regardless of the IL's bad behavior, it may cause further tension in the future. It's only 4 people. Ignore the negative comments/vibes if any present,  and enjoy your celebration. Tell mom if an IL irritates her, smile, shrug it off, and move on.

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Peanutz21

of course inviting the 4 IL's would be the bigger and better thing to do but i've come to realize that people no matter how old they are can be extremely petty

i would vote for encouraging one more time then dropping it

i don't think your IL's would be offended by YOU per se, just more drama between your families.  they should know you have no control over the guest list if your mom is hosting.  if they want to host a separate one then so be it