How to comfort after the death of a loved one. (NBR)

lewispm

This is a hard question to answer, I know. But since there are so many women on here from different backgrounds and with different beliefs, I think it is a great place to ask this question as I honestly have really been struggling (and so has my sister) with how to comfort my BIL after the sudden death of his father recently. He is an atheist through and through and believes that after you die, you are just gone. Gone vanished, poof. How in the heck do you offer comfort and reassuring thoughts?

I find myself wanting to tell him his father is watching over them or reunited with his mother now, but he doesn't believe that. I try to tell him Lila (their 2 week old) now has an amazing guardian angel, but he doesn't believe that either. What do I say? I am totally at a loss and I know my sister is too. She has voiced to me that the hardest part of all of this is that she has absolutely no idea what to say to her own husband to comfort him. Any ideas??

APendola

Maybe shift the focus away from finding the right thing to say, to just being there for him.  A lot of people appreciate if you send some food or do something to help out (ie. babysitting, doing the dishes).  If you ask people what you can do to help, they often say "nothing"...but if you just drop off some food at their house, I think most people appreciate it.

I think when a devastating loss happens unexpectedly, only time can heal it.  It's not an easy thing to get over.

Hugs to you and your family.

lewispm

PaddyB said:

For me, when I lost my father, the most comforting things was to know that a person was there for me and willing to listen/talk about him.

For example, I found it really comforting to tell and hear stories about my dad and for people to express how he had touched their lives and much they missed him as well.

Also, Hugs.

Thank you. This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for! I did not know his dad that well, but I will definitely relay the message to my sister. I think he would like sharing happy moments about him.

potatoe6

That is a hard one, just letting him know that you guys are there for him if he needs to talk, and if he seems to be getting upset I find it helps to let them know that it is hard now but as time passes it gets easier and easier, you don't forget the person, but you tend to forget this time (the right after death time) and start remembering the better times (the living time). I find telling great feel good stories about the person helps.

lewispm

Thank everyone. I knew y'all would have some great advice!

lewispm

Pegleg715 said:

I agree with everyone else, but I would AVOID things like "things happen for a reason", or something like that...
Also, I found that people always avoided mentioning the person to me, and I hated that, my husband still avoids saying my best friends name because he doesn't know what reaction he will get.
Ask questions about him, and make a point of talking, like veeryone said.

I definitely agree to avoid "things happen for a reason". I know some do, but not tragedies like this or your friend. Some situations are just freak accidents and aren't meant for some kind of good to come out of them. They are just tragic accidents. I hate when people try to say bad things happen so that good will come out of them. Very rarely does the death of a lived one lead to some better outcome than if they had continued living. So definitely good advice, thanks!