Some advice please

sergeantb44

My blended family is complicated..my bf has 3 children from his marriage. She had a 4th baby and initially told my bf it was his..later to find out it was not..They have since divorced and she has a 5th baby and lives with the the father of the the two youngest..
i 95% of the time have a great relationship with all 3 stepkids...The youngest and only girl of the 5 is my largest issue...she is a daddy's girl and is a master manipulate of her father...so much that the boys are showing signs of resentment towards her..they often choose to go places and spend time with me because they don't want to be around her.. She is the only thing that my Bf and I argue over..He is not good at setting boundaries with her..we are ttc after I mc middle of Jan. SD is super excited about the baby, (we didn't tell them about mc since we are hoping to conceive again).. i am very nervous how she will be when her dad has a baby that he bonds with every day and we have them only a few evenings and EOW?

Any suggestions? Sorry tried not to drag out the story. ..thanks!

joshsmandy

If I were you I wouldn't worry to much about it, just remember when you do have a baby to still include her as much as possible and set aside time for just her one on one with you and your bf so that she doesn't feel like she is bring pushed aside. We just crossed that bridge with my SD and she is handling it better then I anticipated.

sergeantb44

Thank you..i am crossing my fingers that her excitement remains...

Abenedict2011

My SD (9yrs) is super excited about LO but has been attention seekin lately and is worries she will no long be "daddy's little girl." We are taking her back to a counselor for other reasons but are pretty sure she is worried about the changes that are coming- even the good.

AshleyActually

My SD is also a HUGE daddy's girl! It's actually kind of annoying sometimes because she also manipulates DH. However, DH and I have a 4 month old baby girl and SD absolutely adores her! Best of luck!

dmndsr4eva

How long have you been together?  Are you married?

I have had two almost blended families and I can tell you based on my experiences and the research I have done it is always going to be an uphill battle.  My first blended family (i was engaged) ended for a variety of reasons but in the top 3 was that my ex put his teenage daughters whines and petty grips ahead of our relationship.  He could not handle the task of juggling his teenage daughters needs with that of the new family he had started with me and our son. 

Example:  The summer after my son was born the girls were so jealous they did not visit us for the entire summer.  They didn't work and only live 25 mins away.  They couldn't be bothered to come visit their newborn brother.  That whole summer we saw them a handful of times for a few hours here and there.  It was just too much for them.  And yet some how every time they were upset it was always blamed on me and I was the bad person causing all the problems.   

Enter relationship two, engaged again to a man with a 20 year old daughter.  Pretty much the same thing all over again except for him and I do not have kids together (which I can assure you would/will/does cause jealousy issues).

I am not 100% certain if we will end up getting married but if we do I know that it will constantly be a struggle and compromise between what she expects of him and what I do.

Mark my words.  If we break up I will NEVER date a man with daughters from a previous relationship again.

Read the book Stepmonster.

Also in my experience the ex wife typically eggs on their children to also stir up more problems/drama.  With FI#1 the exwife was constantly telling her kids how the dad and me were leaving them out of every thing.  Which was beyond not true.  We would constantly invite them and they were the ones who more often than not said they couldn't come and they had other plans.

sergeantb44

She is not a teen yet , only 7 so they don't have the option to come see us or not..she and I have a great relationship until she is tired or wants daddy then it's all over..He until now has not dated anyone since his divorce and has never had to see these issues...Their mom is definitely stirring the pot and is also used to controlling him...example just Sunday she picked them up..no one remembered to get the boy almost 11 baseball bag so it was at our house tonight when it came time for practice. .it somehow became our responsibility to drop it off..mind you we both work and she stays at home...anyway. .i can handle it all until she gets going then I feel like a built in nanny...no physical contact..He let's them stay up..and I am exhausted by time we go to bed...my biggest fear is after the baby that it will either bey sole responsibility when they are here..or he will enjoy baby and his kids...I know he loves me but sometimes I wonder if he considers us all a family or if there are 2 separate. ..thanks for the helpm.needed to vent tonight. .and btw I just want to have my rainbow baby. ..

Ilumine

Do not marry or have children until your FI becomes a right and proper father.  And even THEN, be prepared for it to not work out. 

The honest bit here, is how he is NOW is how he will be with the ring on your finger or with a baby at your breast.  And do you really and truly want your child to grow up with that kind of father, that kind of sibling, that kind of crazy life?

Wahoo

I would not ttc until you can resolve the parenting issues with your FI.  Why would he change?  He doesn't have to set boundries or be father of the year....he still has you willing to have more kids with him when he can't manage the ones he has.

Have you considered family counseling, or parenting classes for your FI?