30 minute tantrum

pb_bride

M is almost 15 months. He hasn't been throwing much tantrums lately, mostly because I am better at anticipating his moods/needs/wants etc and usually can work around him.

But today, he threw a 30+ minute tantrum.  I honestly don't know what to do (almost wanted to call DH and tell him to get home).  

We have transitioned him from sippy cups (for milk & smoothies) to the Take&Toss straw cups several days ago. He has another straw cup for water, so he knows how to use a straw cup and has NO issues drinking milk or smoothies from the Take&Toss. Plus he just drank milk from the Take&Toss earlier at lunch today.

I was making a smoothie this afternoon for his pre-nap snack, when M opened the cabinet and found his sippy cup. Honestly, I don't think he's that attached to that cup. Anyway, I put the cup on the dining table, then proceed to pour the smoothie into the straw cup right in front of him.  He loves smoothies and normally gulps down 3-4 oz in no time.  But today, he whined and complained, pointing to the sippy cup.  I did not want to give in, cuz the issue with the sippy cup is that the smoothie clogs up the holes right away.  I took the sippy away and then did some clean up, but M was still angry when I came back to offer the straw cup with smoothie and refused to drink it.

So I took him out of the high chair and he started arching his back and really throwing a tantrum. I laid him on the floor and I walked away.  He continued to scream and cry for the next 20 minutes, even though i ignored him.  Eventually I picked him up and took him upstairs to his room to change his diaper.  Afterwards, he continued to scream and cry for another 10+ minutes while I sat in the room with him.  He finally stopped after I distracted him with some toys.  I offered him a straw cup of water (thinking he must be thirsty by now) and he refused. I then filled the aforementioned sippy cup with water and he refused that too.  He finally stopped crying and I put him down for his nap without any water or snack.

I honestly don't know what I should or should not be doing.  I thought the best way to deal with tantrums is to ignore them, but it doesn't seem to work today. In the past when he threw one, it only lasted for a minute or 2, maybe 4-5 mins at most.  He has a head cold right now so perhaps that's exaggerating his behavior?  When he throws a tantrum, I can't hold him or hug him because he'll just arch his back and throw his head back, and I worry about him and myself getting hurt (plus he headbutts me).  Thank goodness he's napping now but I was about to lose it.  Any advice/insight much appreciated.

itsmevkb

Kids are weird so there's that.  You know the smoothie isn't going to work in the sippy but all he's thinking is I feel like crap and I want the sippy (oohhh, look blue! I want blue! straw cup orange, no orange today.)   So, sometimes you have to give up on trying to figure out their logic because there simply isn't any.  In this instance, I probably would have poured the smoothie into the sippy knowing full well it was going to clog up and hope like heck he figured that out too and then I would have poured it back into the straw cup and given it back to him to show him hey see how much better this works now.  If that didn't work then I'd do exactly what you did, make sure he's somewhere safe and let him work it out.  It's hard when they can't communicate with you but babies/kids sometimes just need to time to work through things and unfortunately sometimes it takes a while.  The good news is, that time tends to get shorter because they get better at it as they get older.  Your guy is still really young.

pb_bride

@itsmevkb, that's excellent advice.  I guess I'm stubborn myself and didn't want to "give in" per se.  I just didn't expect him to stay angry for such a long time period (since his prior tantrums were fairly limited).

itsmevkb

@pb_bride - you're looking at the queen of stubborn here.  Pick your battles is a good thing to remember.  There are things I don't give in on - like bedtimes, the no hitting/kicking/throwing rule, no lying, no back talking, doing what you're told or asked to do, and then there are things I'm more flexible on which is something I had a hard time navigating the first and second time around but got better at with age and more kids.  I've gotten much better at not drawing a line in the sand unless I'm willing to really, really, really stick to it because I  know my personality and once I say something I'm so stubborn I'm going to stick to it because I don't want to let my kids see me give in even if half an hour later I'm thinking boy, this is stupid.

But, part for all this, toddlers are the same as babies and somtimes just need to get it all out so what starts as just a 2 minute tantrum turns into something longer because it stops being about the specific issue and is more just a release of all their pent up energy/frustration/emotions, etc.

 

mdiblasi10

The "pick your battles" mantra is what I try to stick by too. My pediatrician even mentioned that to me and I see it a lot when I read about toddler behavior. G has had some pretty intense tantrums lately too. My favorite is when he doesn't want to get into the car to go to daycare. He must wake up all the neighbors and make them think I am beating him LOL. The distraction works some of the time for us, but other times I will put him on the carpet and walk away. Most times that works within a few minutes. But there is always an exception! It's definitely a tough time as they are figuring out how to communicate with us and how to express their emotions. I was reading an article about how kids do not have self-control. They have to learn that. I always remind myself of that mid-tantrum. In the meantime, we do our best You are doing a great job, mama

TJ1979

Sometimes when E's tantrums go on too long, I sit down next to her. I let her know that when she's ready, she can come sit in my lap/come read a book with me/come get a snack/whatever is an appropriate activity. Usually me being right next to her and the promise of something better will snap her out of it.
Sorry you had a rough day. It's so hard when they can't communicate.

kmc84

chiwifey said:

That sounds rough, pb and I think I would have done the same as you. We haven't had a tantrum like this yet but I know they will happen and probably pretty soon. 

Thanks ladies for the advice! 

Ditto! I'm not looking forward to tantrum stage

pb_bride

@TJ1979, @mdiblasi10, @itsmevkb, thanks for your advice and telling me about your experience.  I know it's super hard to be a toddler when they can't express themselves (and have no self-control). I just need to remind myself of that and try not to "reason" with M, because he doesn't understand that.  As I said, he was throwing fewer tantrums lately because I've gotten better at communicating with him, so I was taken aback by how long this one lasted. I'll try to stay closer to him next time this happens, perhaps that will comfort him somewhat.

Mnerani

Our LO's are ten days apart (which I hadn't realized before). I feel like mine is just entering this phase. This week, he started the whole violent throwing his head back thing, which is SO freaking annoying and makes me feel like I'm dealing with an angry cat instead of a person. 

I have no advice since he hasn't really thrown an all-out tantrum yet, but I'm watching this thread, since I know I'll be in your boat soon. Hang in there.

mcgeeva

Oh man never fun. This seems to be a part of every day life these days especially for anytime I say no. I try time out..really just putting lo in the corner but it either works or like yours he will just continue to flip out. But I feel like the bad tantrum days where the crying fighting last that long is pretty far and few. It's more of a 2 minute tantrum then he acts like nothing happened. I will have to take some of the advice from the ladies here. I'm having the hardest time getting my lo to come in from the garage when I come home at night. He wants to stay in my car, climb the seats, open the garage door. I warn him, count down and end up having to carry a kicking screaming kid into the house nightly now. I tried to redirect..nada worked

Ruthie04

We've had a couple 20 minute tantrums for similar things. I am with you- no way am I going to hold a baby who is thrashing and head butting. He really kicked me in the tummy with the first one and I hurt for days! I'm with TJ. I usually sit right next to him or just do check ins (go over to him, tell him I love him and I'm sorry he is upset, and ask if he wants some hugs and kisses). When he is done, he will come give me a hug and we snuggle for a few minutes. For the shorter tantrums, I can usually tell him to go being mommy a book and that generally works.

My pedi gave me something on behavioral interventions with toddlers and it discussed telling them to do things instead of telling them to stop because they lack the impulse control to stop themselves from doing something they want to do the next time, but they can follow directions. For example, say, "walk slowly" instead of, "stop running." I've been trying to be more mindful of my words to see if I can help him learn. I figure my best shot is to try to work with them where they are and cross my fingers!

I have Love and Logic and I like some of the principles of 123 Magic, but I need to sit down and read them!! If you figure something out, please tell us. Those tantrums are no joke!!

mdiblasi10

Thanks for posting this, pb. I am always looking for help on these kinds of things.

@Ruthie04 that is so true! We try not to use the "no" word if we can help it.

@mcgeeva I hear you on the garage. That is G's favorite place to be and I end up carrying a kicking, screaming toddler into the house too. I try to pick my battles, but he can't stay out their all night!

mcgeeva

mdiblasi10 I tried doing that last night! But by the time I let the dog out and gave him kibbles he was still in there. Then I start having horrible thoughts he could just press the start button on the car and drive through the garage. UGh..Now next battle..how to not let DS push the kitchen chairs up to the stove anymore?!!!

pb_bride

Just glad to see I'm not alone here!  And expecting many more months of tantrums to come!

Smoothie in straw cup went well today, but now I have another problem and wonder if any of you have an answer?

Thanks to @TJ1979 and E, we now use the Take&Toss straw cups for smoothie.  M drinks the smoothie but then he wants to play with the straw.  This kid is obsessed with taking things out/putting things in, so what's more fun than pulling the straw out and then pushing it back in?  But of course it makes a mess and the cup falls off the tray.  If I stop him from playing with the straw, he gets mad and will pick the food on his plate/tray and deliberately throw it on the floor (he looks at me first to make sure I"m watching, then defiantly throws it.)  I know he has little control of his life and this is how he expresses that he is upset, but I can't just let him play with the straw, or can I?  Once he starts throwing the food, I have to remove all the food from his tray, and the meal is over, even if he really isn't done eating.  

Honestly, I try to let him "play" with his food as much as possible already... when he's done eating and starts playing with his foods, I let him have his fork or even chopsticks and let him dig around the food and fling it all over his tray.  But I just don't like him playing with his straws!

mdiblasi10

@pb_bride We used those too, but G always wanted to play with the straw and make a mess. Not sure if they will work with smoothies (I hope so!), but we use the Playtex Insulator Straw Cups now. I love them and all the parts are easy to pull apart for washing in the top rack of the dishwasher. A Mommy friend of mine recommended them. She has two older boys so she had tested them all  

I also remove the food, plate and cup if he starts throwing stuff, and meal time is over. Usually he is done at that point anyways. 

TJ1979

Sorry pb. We have the straw issue as well. And the defiant throwing of things. I don't have an answer really. We separated food and smoothies. E can only drink a smoothie in her straw cup if she is sitting on the kitchen floor. When she starts playing with the straw, smoothie goes in the fridge or trash. That might not work for you if M is used to smoothies with his meal.