Bedtime advice

LizzyG11

C is 9 months old and for the most part a decent sleeper. I've always nursed her to sleep, which I love, and she comes to bed with us around 4 or 5 until she wakes for the day. Between 7, when I put her down, and when she comes to our bed she used to only wake once or twice with a 6-8 hour stretch in there somewhere.

Now (the last month or so) she wakes 3-4 times between 7 and 10. It could be anywhere from 5 mins to 1 hour after I put her down. Most of the time I just nurse her back down because its easier, plus I know if we can make it through that stretch then she will sleep most of the night. But I am losing patience. I never know how long I have after putting her down. We can't eat dinner in peace (or hot), and forget about sex! I'm starting to dread bedtime because I basically spend several hours in a dark room.

We thought it might be teething, but ibuprofen only helped a little. I am so against CIO and I'm not ready to give up nursing her to sleep but that's what I keep getting told to do so I'm here hoping for some advice more along the AP style. I'm just so frustrated and at a loss. By the time she finally goes down for a long stretch its time for me to go to sleep! I can't get anything done after her bedtime because I am constantly nursing her...and I need that time for myself, for my sanity (and for my marriage!).

Any advice you can give will be very appreciated!

Emerald27

First, don't feel that you ever need to CIO. Also, nursing to sleep is totally fine; it's natural and normal for a baby to fall asleep in the safest, warmest, most pleasant place they know. She will grow out of nursing to sleep naturally...and weaning from nursing to sleep would not necessarily get you longer sleep stretches, because she may wake craving the closeness of the breast!

You said the room is dark. Do you have a white noise machine (or fan)? Is the room kept a little cool and she kept dressed warmly?

My thought is that at her age, this could be the restlessness that comes along with developmental milestones, a growth spurt, or the beginnings of separation anxiety. Or all of the above!

You could try putting her to bed a little later (watch her cues to see when she becomes tired), and developing a bedtime routine. You could also try nursing her to sleep in the middle of your bed, and letting her stay there until you're ready to go to bed, and then move her to the crib. Some mothers find that baby sleeps better/longer in their bed.

The nice thing about infant sleep is that if you don't like it, it will change soon. The bad thing about infant sleep is that if you do like it, it will change soon. This is likely just a phase, and next thing you know she'll be sleeping longer stretches.

LizzyG11

@Emerald27 thanks for your response! It's nice to be able to ask for advice and not immediately hear about all the things I'm doing "wrong" when I have no intention of changing it! I love nursing her to sleep and I hate hearing her cry, so I'm going to keep listening to my gut

We do have white noise in her room (it's both helpful and necessary since her room is right above the kitchen, plus she startles easily) and we do our best to keep the temperature right (her room tends to be cooler than the rest of the upstairs and she is nice and warm in her fleecy jammies). We have a routine of bath, pjs, story, then lights out and nurse to sleep.

I'll try nursing her down in our bed to see if she'll sleep better that way. I never thought of that. Would you suggest doing a kind of "dream feed" in the nursery before putting her in her crib?

I really hope it is just a phase. She has suddenly been really into trying to move, learned to get from lying to sitting, on all 4s, trying to crawl, pulling to her knees all in the last 2 weeks or so...

Emerald27

Oh, well learning new skills almost always interferes with sleep!

I'd definitely do a dream feed/regular nursing session before you put her in her crib. Moving her from the bed to the other room will likely wake her enough to make her fuss if you just set her down.

The way I've approached nursing to sleep with DS is considering it a milestone that he will reach when he is ready like any other. He crawled when he was ready, passed toys between his hands when he was ready, and he would fall asleep without nursing when he was ready.

DS is 2 and still falls asleep nursing occasionally, but what I do at bedtime (after bath, pjs, teeth, and a book) is lay with him and sing to him while we nurse. Sometimes he falls asleep latched, but more often than not he will nurse for a bit, then roll over and go to sleep on his own. He's also been telling me lately to "go to bed, mama" and pointing at my bed (he's in our room still but in his own bed) until I leave him to fall asleep. Oh how they grow and mature at their own pace! Sometimes it's too fast for mama.

All that is to say that if you follow your instincts and treat DD with love and respect, allowing her to grow and act naturally, none of this will last forever and you'll never wish you snuggled less or nursed less. She will grow up happy, balanced, and so secure in your love that she feels she has the most solid foundation from which to strike out in independence.

ReeceFamily

If I remember 9 mos is around when DD's sleep went to crap as well .  I'm guessing if you poke around on the forums here you'll find this to be almost universally true.  

I have always nursed to sleep, and while it is great in some ways (very reliable, in our case), I agree it can be frustrating sometimes.  

I made a conscious decision when DD was born to just go with it and not worry about my lack of a life for a few years.  I'm giving in to the experience.  So on many, many nights, I am in bed nursing DD around 7:30 or 8:00.  On the nights she is restless/wants to be nursed nonstop, I get a lot of reading done (I have a Kindle with a reading light) or I surf the web on my phone or watch a movie on my computer.  It's actually kind of nice.  Other nights (increasingly frequent) I can let her sleep on her own for a few hours and spend some time with DH or whatever.

I do plan to gradually wean her off her nurse-to-sleep association sometime this year.  We'll see how it goes!

opheliainwaders

My DD has a similar sleep pattern (or lack thereof) to what you describe. We've started putting her to sleep without nursing when we can. I do our bedtime routine, including nursing her, and then either DH or I burp her, put her in her crib, and pat her tummy while singing the same quiet song over and over until she falls asleep (my mom actually discovered that this worked to put her to sleep one night when I was really sick and couldn't have her with me). The first time we tried it, it took almost an hour of singing (but no tears), the second time, about 20 minutes. The other night, it took me 7 minutes. She now generally falls asleep around 7:15, wakes around 11 (which we actually encourage, since we need to give her meds/food then), and then one more time somewhere around 3. Then she's up for the day around 7. For me, that's a workable schedule.

Sometimes, she sleeps through from 11/12 until the AM, but I've discovered that *I* no longer sleep through the night. Hah. There have also been a few instances now where I hear her fuss for a few minutes (like, 2-3) at the 3am wakeup, but then right about when I'm getting up to get her, I notice she's silent, and she's gone back to sleep.

HOWEVER, when she's sick, or there's teething pain, or whatever, we basically take a step back, nurse her to sleep if she needs it, etc. Last night, she wouldn't settle (usually she calms down and is sleepy as soon as we start singing/rubbing, it just takes a few minutes to drift off), so I picked her up to nurse/comfort her, and yup - fever.

All this to say...it sounds like everything you're experiencing is totally normal, and not a Sleep Problem in the way that so many people might think it is, but if it's not working for your family right now, there are ways other than CIO that might help make slight changes that make it more workable while still staying responsive to what your baby needs. Hope that helps!

blu-eyedwife

I have a couple of thoughts based on my own experiences.
1) Around 9 months, my son hit a MAJOR growth spurt.  As in, he went from 25th percentile to 75ths percentile between 9 and 12 months. He was still waking at night, and I was still nursing him at that time.  My doctor encouraged nursing at night as long as necessary because "kids have growth spurts at different times."  (Meanwhile, my friends who had doctors telling them to stop nursing at night because their kids "didn't need it" had drastic drops in the growth curve).

2) At 10 months, my son started teething.  And his sleep was terrible.  Very similar to what you're describing.  Even with ibuprofen/tylenol.  He would wake every hour some nights, every 2 hours, very frequently.  It was hard, but we got through it.  And his sleep improved.  So it could very well be that, and you will similarly get through it.

3) As a side note, since you mentioned you can't eat a hot dinner, is there a reason you're not eating dinner with your daughter before bed?  She's 9 months old.  As soon as we introduced solids at 6 months, I moved dinner time so our son could eat with us.  I highly recommend it.  First because it sets the pattern for the future of family dinners.  Second because eating is such a social experience that it's really good for your daughter to be a part of that (we had my son sitting with us at breakfasts (and lunches on the weekends) since he was 3 months old).  Third, it helps develop good eating habits as children are more apt to eat things they see mom and dad eating.  And finally, it will give you the opportunity to eat hot food!

=Lee=B

We were so there...so many hours in a dark room.  I think it's just everything...teeth, wonder weeks, growth spurts...so many new skills and cognitive advancements that just make for crappy evenings.

It SUCKED...really sucked.  But...it did ease off and end...if only temporarily! 

I nurse to sleep...but when she wakes that often even she didn't want to nurse or it would just upset her more because my milk is too fast and she didn't need/want milk.  I would just pop soother in and hold her to my chest and snuggle her back to sleep.

We used a floor bed so I could escape, even briefly.  As well...I've always used my phone and laptop in there while she sleeps so I could do something in the dark without her waking.  Can you try that?  It's not much over all those hours but it is something!

Oh, I also lie there thinking wow...this would suck even more years back when cell phones and laptops didn't exist.  Makes me realize it could be worse lol.

It'll get better. 

Conster12

Exactly what everyone else has said!  DS just turned one and we're finally starting to see some longer stretches at the beginning of the night.  Teething! Wonder weeks!  Learning to walk! Separation anxiety! It was all of those things.   I just loaded my phone/iPad with some books and hey, whaddya know!  I DO have time to read these days. This too shall pass!  Hang in there - it can be so frustrating.  Also, we learned the importance of quickies again.  "babe - we've got about 5 minutes.  drop your drawers."   Ideal? no.  But it sure is fun!