"How's the baby?!"

GymSpaz26

Today our precious little boy would be three months old. That is hard enough to accept in itself. Today I also faced for the first time the innocent question from someone who hadn't seen me since Zedekiah passed away, "How's the baby?!". I knew it would happen sooner or later and I knew somehow I'd have to respond. I'd gone over and over in my mind how I would handle the situation and what I would say, without ever being able to come up with the "right" or even a "good" answer. All I could muster was, "the baby died". Somehow I managed to hold myself together, as we were sitting in a hot tub with five other people at the Y... 

How do you respond in those situations?! I felt so bad for the woman who asked me, who of course assumed that everything was okay. Does anyone have any wisdom? I know that I will face more of these conversations as I continue re-involving myself in life in the next weeks and months from people I don't see often, but who knew I was pregnant. 

MCH77

No idea. Just wanted to give you big ((hugs))

kz's_girlygirl

I am so sorry!  I don't have any wisdom at all, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.  You handled the situation the best you could which is all any of us can do, IMO.  Unfortunately, there is no easy way to tell people that your child is dead, and I think it will always be uncomfortable for the person who asked. 

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

Each situation is different, and so my answer often differs. Sometimes I say, "She was stillborn." If its someone who I am close to (even though I dont see them often) I say "She was stillborn, but I appreciate you asking about her." I let them know its ok to talk about her. 

You have to answer it as best as you are able to. It will often make the other person uncomfortable, but you just have to decide what is best for you. The same is true with my answer when people ask if this is my first. I had to work through how to answer that in a way that recognized her existence.

Big ((hugs))! Its a very tough situation. 

Bgirma

I'm so sorry. We lost Wesley almost 5 weeks ago and I have major anxiety about getting this question- I know it will happen sooner or later so I'm trying to prepare but I know I'll have a hard time. I'm so impressed that you were able to answer at all! Sending hugs your way.

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY***



When I faced this question at the beginning, I told people that we had a medical complication and lost the baby, but I was OK talking about him. Some clammed up in embarrassment; others saw that as an opportunity to make sure I was truly OK and ask about him/his birth. I do agree that each situation is different, and you handled this the best you could. It will be difficult to answer that question, and I know you will answer it the best you can. There is no wrong answer for that question, just what you're comfortable saying. Sending lots of hugs.

stefuge

((Hugs))

jonahsma

im so sorry ((hugs))

Xath

*siggy waening**



I'm so very sorry you're going through this. It's been over a year for me so I've made it through this particular question, but at the time I tried to frame it in my head as an opportunity to talk about her with someone who cared. There's always going to be a certain level of discomfort when this comes up, but more often than not people surprise you with how caring they can be in their responses.

mingaling2

It's always so hard to explain.  I think you handled it as well as any of us could.  I do the same thing as others: she passed away, it's okay, thanks for asking, then cut off the convo. 

GymSpaz26

Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement. I really appreciate it.

shandorfml2

((hugs)) I experienced that for the first few months. I usually say she died or passed away, but I like talking about her. That's what I've found to be most comfortable

cdale86

***Siggy***

I'm so sorry you having to go through this!  I think you handled it well.  You were honest and curt.  It's so easy to play it out in your head, but then when you are asked the question it's just not as easy as it was in your head.  After having this type of conversation with people, I tend to have regrets...I didn't talk enough about Bennett, or I should have worded it this way or that way, etc.  Through counseling, I'm working at that.  there is no reason to worry about how I say things to people.  I just try to be honest, whatever that may be in the moment.

CRUN2012

aragosta said:

I usually will say "he passed away." They will gush an apology and I will put on my fake gracious face and thank them for remembering him. I do sincerely appreciate people talking about him. I just hate having to explain.

This is exactly how I've handled it. I think its appropriate without having to go too deep into the conversation and it also leaves the person who asked in a less-awkward place I think.

amandahpinney

Ugh.  I just had the exact same experience today.  We lost Malcolm two months ago tomorrow and I just went back to work yesterday.  Almost everyone at work knows, but I work for a very large corporation and shared services like IT and facilities for the building are not really "in the loop."  I'm acquainted with a few people from those groups, and today I got a "how's the baby" from an IT guy that I'm friendly with.  I fumbled around almost laughing because of how ridiculous this conversation is and how bad I knew he would feel after I said the truth.  I even considered lying for a bit but then remembered I'd probably see this guy at least once a week or two just in passing.  "The...uh...the baby....heh...yes...the baby.  The baby...he passed away."  and then the elevator door opens and I'm walking out but holding the elevator like PLEADING with this guy not to feel bad.  Just hope it doesn't happen too much.  Blarg.  

GymSpaz26

@amandahpinney I'm so sorry that you had to have that conversation on your first day back. I just keep telling myself that hopefully I will get a little more used to the questions and my answers over time. I don't know if they will get easier, but at least I can feel less anxious about it maybe.

I actually think that realizing that I had gone through that moment, that conversation that I dreaded so much, but survived it... helped take away some of the anxiety I had about getting back into the real world, seeing people, etc. It was like okay, it was hard, but I made it through... maybe I can do this.