12dpo/IUI Update

on42

This is part update, part venting. 

My tests this morning were all negative. Somewhat of a relief in itself; but, I don't feel like the tests are going to turn positive. I just don't feel like I'm that lucky girl. 

Part of the problem is that I don’t have faith in my body. I have tried to change my perspective, even going so far as to say affirmations to myself: I have a strong body; I can create a baby; I can carry a baby. I just don’t believe it. And I’m even in the “fake it ’til you make it” camp. And I still don’t believe it. My body is totally fucked up. I am barely producing any eggs, and even when they’ve been stimulated to maturity, they can’t get fertilized? I mean, really? Really. 

I am so angry at my body. And to make matters worse, I am having a horrible perioral dermatitis breakout right now – definitely one of the worst I’ve had (it's like eczema or a rash on my chin and around my lips). So on top of feeling tired, bloated and soft, and being angry at my body for being lazy and infertile, I feel ugly and gross. I am at my lowest right now. 

I even took the day off of work and tried a little retail therapy. That will usually do the trick. But nope. Not this time. I’m not even looking forward to the cycle ending, because I don’t know if I want to do another round of IUI. I am almost positive I don't want to do IVF, so I feel like we need to start making other arrangements to start a family. What really blows my mind is this: I don't care HOW I become a mother; I just want to be a mother! I feel like the universe if totally fucking with me. (And I want to clarify: We have been TTC for the last 8 months, but I was trying in my mid to late 20s for four years, and never got pregnant then either; so, it's been a long road.)

I’m just angry, and that’s all I feel right now. I'm just at my absolute max right now. 

Samuelismomma

You have every right to feel this way...I feel this way when I see a positive....what's it matter the baby doesn't stick:(....it's hard to feel optimistic ...but please don't feel ugly you are not and I can tell by this board you are a wonderful person with a good heart! This whole battle is stressful...this past week I just wanted to bury myself in the bedroom and never come out:(...I also know Ivf isn't for everyone and we can't afford it! It doesn't matter how you become a mother honey...it's how you love your children..a women can be a egg donor but remember that doesn't make her a mom..I know my grandparents raised me....I'm here for you any time..and the other ladies too!

ksgsmu

I totally understand... I told my husband that I feel like a total failure.  I am mad at my body. I blame myself. 

Try and be nice to yourself.... I know it is hard. 

jchow009

I totally can relate.  I am really sorry this journey is so emotional.  Some days I feel postiive, some days I feel it won't happen.  It angers me sometimes when you see unfit mothers and I think so many of us are/can be a great mothers.  Hang in there, honey.  When I lost my baby in April, I was sad but my RE was very encouraging and I was very optimistic.  But almost 9 months later, I am still at the same place.  I want to have faith but it's hard some day.  But like PP says, don't blame yourself, I really think that we will get there or we will find peace one way the other.  Sending hugs. 

P.S. - I was a bit down after another failed IUI, I went to do some yoga and it makes me feel better.  I am not saying yoga will help but do something you like may make you feel better. 

czarmom

(lurking) ticker warning....

I was checking in to see how you were doing and just wanted to offer some ((Hugs)).   Just like Samuelismomma said, I can tell that you are a kind person with a big heart.   Be kind to yourself too and know that you have a lot of support on this board.  

on42

Thank you all for the sweet support. I don't have an update this morning - I decided to not test again until Thursday (15dpo), if AF doesn't show, and then I will go in for beta. I've been an emotional wreck this cycle. I think a lot of it is that our wedding is in about 7 weeks, we just sent out invites, and I think the stress is starting to set in. And the reality. !!!

BeckyP005

Aww I just want to give you a big hug! Hoping today is a bit of a better day. Oh I'm sure with 7 more weeks until wedding you do have some stress!! Hang in there

hooligans4

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I wish I could hug you through the computer.
>:D<

If this cycle doesn't work out for you focus on your wedding. It is such a wonderful thing and you should enjoy it. I know it's impossible to turn off the constant thoughts of ttc but try and not make them come first. At least until after the wedding.

I will still pray that you get a BFP though!!!!!

Davie813

I hope today has been a better one! I definitely understand the anger at your body (and the anger generally), but hang in there. You're going to be an amazing mother HOWEVER you end up becoming one (I still have my fingers crossed for your bfp)!

On another note, so exciting about your wedding! Lots of good things ahead...

jaco0207

I'm sorry you are having a tough time, I can relate, just got a bfn from my first IUI. Having fertility issues sucks! 

Also I got married a little over a year ago, and until I went through it I had no clue as to how stressful the planning and process was. I can't imagine how tough this is for you right now dealing with both at the same time. Hang in there, the wedding day will be awesome and fun!

on42

I did not test this morning. I called the RE's office about getting in today for a beta. Her medical assistant road blocked me and said no: I can take a HPT. 

I don't want to take a HPT. I want a beta. 

I feel like I'm on the brink of a very big emotional breakdown.

Samuelismomma

I'm so sorry your going through this:(. That is weird my re told me not to take a hpt to wait for beta ( I used one anyways...but opposite of what you were told :-? Did you try taking a frer both fmu and evening? Mine are more positive in the evening. I'm not sure why? T&p's for you...xoxo

on42

Thanks for the T&P. xo I'm definitely not in my finest hour right now. I think I need to do something very nice for myself.

I'll take a test this evening. I did not test this morning because I ran out of tests and have been trying to just wait and be patient. 

We talked last night and decided to start the process of adoption, take a break from the IUIs until April, and re-evaluate in June if still not pregnant. 

There are many women on this board much stronger than I am who don't give up so easily.I just don't have any more fight left in me. It doesn't seem meant to be for us.

Samuelismomma

I see you got pregnant on your own before..maybe that's what you need is a break...this time I was naive and thought all the meds would help and they didn't, so I don't know...I want natural H wants meds...this whole process sucks:(....

on42

And the crazy thing is: It was completely unexpected/not planned. We just had a little extra fun that month, I think!  

It's definitely hard. How do you please your s.o. and feel good about the choices you make, too? You know? I know Nathan wants a family, and he doesn't care how it happens; but, I know it's important to him to have biological children. How do you (general "you") balance what someone else wants vs. what you want? 

Agreed: It sucks.

HeathernSteven

((((HUGS)))) This is such a long hard road there are no easy paths. I think finding the balance between your needs and his needs is a long heart to heart. I think all of us would prefer our own biological children, but I know my BIL adopted and his son (now 25) is very loved no one thinks his isn't part of the family. 

I keep coming up with cliches and keep erasing what i type. I know you will come to the best decision for you and your DH together - I think that is the key. Decide together....I wish you lots of hugs to help you along!

Davie813

I have nothing deep to add. I'm just so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I hope you and N can come to a resolution that feels right to both of you. >:D<

BeckyP005

HUGS....

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on42

Thanks, ladies. My temp dropped this morning (*shocker!*), so I'm out.

czarmom

lurking and ticker warning.....

@on42 - many hugs to you, I've been keeping you in my T&Ps

PrivateOne

So sorry, this journey is brutal.  Hugs to you during your difficult time.

KirstenAlecia

Im so sorry. Vent away. Hugs. I wish i had words to help

Davie813

I'm very sorry.

Samuelismomma

@On42 so sorry that sucks:(...t&p's...good luck on wedding..that is your bright side:)