PAL Checkin

Noethola

Welcome to Friday PAL Checkin! This CheckIn is for everyone who is parenting after a loss. If you have an older child or a rainbow baby or both you are welcome to share here. 

I hope everyone is having a good week. If anyone has any suggestions for questions, please don't be shy! 

Where are you in your PAL journey?

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

QOTW: How has parenting a rainbow impacted your SO/DH? How had it influenced your relationship with one another?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

mingaling2

Where are you in your PAL journey?

Wondering if we should TTC.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

DD is 4. She seems to be doing well, but there are times she says things that make me so sad. We were at a birthday party and someone asked if the kids had siblings, and all the kids were yelling yes and Mia said "no, my baby died."  Crushing. 

QOTW: How has parenting a rainbow impacted your SO/DH? How had it influenced your relationship with one another?

I think it's brought us closer. 

Noethola

@mingaling2

Its heartbreaking to hear that your DD said that. It is hard when we realize how much what has happen has taken a toll on their life as well. Big ((hugs)) to you! 

MCH77

mingaling2 said:

Where are you in your PAL journey?

Wondering if we should TTC.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

DD is 4. She seems to be doing well, but there are times she says things that make me so sad. We were at a birthday party and someone asked if the kids had siblings, and all the kids were yelling yes and Mia said "no, my baby died."  Crushing. 

QOTW: How has parenting a rainbow impacted your SO/DH? How had it influenced your relationship with one another?

I think it's brought us closer. 

I think the hardest thing about this is losing my son's brother. I wanted to give him this gift so bad. I don't know if I can try for another child. I'm 37, with 3 losses. I don't know if I could function with another loss.

((Hugs)) to you.

Bayberry12

Lurking to see how all you special moms are doing.

rsigler said:

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? Dealing with lots of insensitive comments about our rainbow being my first. I expect that from people who don't know me very well, but it's really hard to hear from people who are close to me and know how difficult this journey has been.  

This makes me so mad and sad for you.  It's so hard to hear that people forget or don't think that Virginia counts as your first.  It so insensitive.  I mean, if you lost a parent or sibling, would you say they never existed?  Of course not!  This is also a big fear for me, that people will think Stella didn't count.  I guess that's one of the reasons why I STILL haven't told our family we're pregnant again. 

stefuge

DD is 4. She seems to be doing well, but there are times she says things that make me so sad. We were at a birthday party and someone asked if the kids had siblings, and all the kids were yelling yes and Mia said "no, my baby died."  Crushing. 

This just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry.

stefuge

rsigler said:

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?
Dealing with lots of insensitive comments about our rainbow being my first. I expect that from people who don't know me very well, but it's really hard to hear from people who are close to me and know how difficult this journey has been.

This just makes me so sad and upset for you. Very insensitive. ((Hugs)) and mastisis is such a pain! I had it multiple times with DS1 and it was so painful! Hope you feel better soon!

mingaling2

@MCH77

It really is. I'm 36 and the age thing is weighing heavily on me as well. 

mingaling2

rsigler said:

Dealing with lots of insensitive comments about our rainbow being my first. I expect that from people who don't know me very well, but it's really hard to hear from people who are close to me and know how difficult this journey has been. 

This makes me so upset for you

mingaling2

@stefuge:  I know  But I have to keep telling myself that she is okay, the pediatrician says she is handling this as well as one could expect (or better, I guess). 

She doesn't seem sad, which is so important to me.  She drew a picture of a heart the other day for "her baby sister because I love her" and it was really sweet.

sunflwra

Where are you in your PAL journey? Trying to value the extra time that we will have as a family of 3 while also getting excited about TTC.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? PAL has actually been the least challenging part of our loss. Brynn is young enough to still that I don't think she feels like she's lost anything. Next challenge is potty training

QOTW: How has parenting a rainbow impacted your SO/DH? How had it influenced your relationship with one another?  We don't have our rainbow yet but are very hopeful and I honestly think that the pregnancy will be much scarier than once we (fingers crossed) bring a healthy baby home.  The loss has helped us talk more about the health aspects of our lives and making sure that there is nothing that we have control over that could affect the health of our family. DH has started on a great weight loss plan and I'm so excited for him and us

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?  TTC in a few weeks- excited and terrified

jbranden12

Where are you in your PAL journey? Anna will be 13 months/10 adjusted this month. Patricia should be two next month. 

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? I posted about this on the Preemie board, but we have had a really rough couple of weeks and the other day I found myself wishing Anna was never born. It's because parenting Anna has been so hard and I wished she were Patricia. Usually I wish Patricia were here with Anna, not that she were here instead of Anna. It was tough. We got pregnant with Anna 4 months after Patricia was born at 31 weeks so it would've been possible to have them both, but not likely seeing as I'm still BFing at a year and haven't gotten my cycle back. Good job if you followed all that! I think it was just me being really overwhelmed with everything and that's how it manifested. Obviously, I love Anna and am happy that she is alive. 

QOTW: How has parenting a rainbow impacted your SO/DH? How had it influenced your relationship with one another? I think it would be much more healing for both of us if we had a typical rainbow, but it's impossible to know. Our relationship is very complicated and that probably has more to do with parenting a SN child and our general life circumstances than it does with Patricia's death. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?  DH and I do need to spend some time together soon. I'll try to plan something for this weekend so we're not out with the masses next weekend for Valentine's day. 

stefuge

@jbranden12 - I'm so sorry things have been so rough lately with Anna. I remember having those thoughts of wishing DS hadn't been born or that things had been different, and this isn't to compare or say "I know how you feel" cause I hate that, just that what you are feeling is normal. Our DS had a variety of medical concerns and developmental delays his first two years and it was overwhelming - not at all what I was expecting as a first time mom. Having a child labeled SN is tough. So many ((hugs)) and I'm glad you're feeling better.

jbranden12

Thanks @stefuge , I appreciate it!