Intro: IC at 21w6d

Maybe Joleisa

Hi ladies-- *sorry--I'm wordy* I'm so sorry to read about all of your losses. You seem like a compassionate bunch of ladies and reading your stories has brought me some comfort albeit through many tears. My siggy is out of date; I left TB last year after a loss of ID twin boys at 8.5w. At that point I seemed to have reached the angry and depressed stages of grief and just retreated from everything to deal on my own. Since then I had 2 more IVFs, the last in September 2013 which was successful.

I was blissfully pregnant with fraternal twin boys. (Blissful in infertility terms means guarded, but ecstatic and hopeful.) Perfect NT scan, perfect A/S, so of course I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. The other shoe dropped at my appointment last Wednesday at 21w2d where my cervix had shortened from 4.4cm at 16w to 3.5cm at the A/S to 1.8cm at 21w2d. I asked for a cerclage, but was instead given Prometrium BID and told to go on modified bed rest (which I 1-upped to strict bed rest.) Two days later (Friday) I felt "different" and went in for a check--all was stable. Again asked for cerclage or pessary, but was told to follow up at my next appointment in 4 days.

Sunday morning (yesterday) I woke up to go to the bathroom and could not lay down for more than a few minutes because of BM-like cramps. DH drove me to the ER where I started to actively labor quickly. I was dilated all the way and was told that it was too early to do anything. I labored for 2+ hours until an anesthesiologist would arrive to give me a spinal + epidural. The plan was to wait for baby A's water to break on it's own and try to clamp off baby B to see if in a long shot he could be saved. After 5 hours my water wasn't going anywhere, so they had me start pushing to help it: Baby Anthony was born with a tiny cry at 1lb 2.6oz. As I was holding him I heard Baby B's water break and Benjamin was born with a tiny cry at 1lb 3.2oz. We were able to hold and be with them for the 4-5 hours that their little hearts beat. Saddest day of our lives.

Today is Monday and since being discharged, we are trying to pick up the pieces between falling to pieces. We have an appointment with a funeral home tomorrow morning and I'm already looking for a loss/grief counselor. I notified my boss I'd need to go out on FMLA or vacation for who knows how long. Yesterday keeps playing over and over again in my head and I'm a total mess. As soon as we got home I came upstairs to count my Prometrium tabs to make sure I didn't miss it Saturday night. In fact I did take it, but I guess the blaming yourself thing comes naturally? Thanks for letting me share and I look forward to getting to know you better.

Maybe Joleisa

Sorry for the wall of text. Tried to edit on my laptop, but it's not working. I guess TB had some "upgrades" while I've been gone. Help?

Noethola

***siggy warning***

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sons. Having to plan the funerals of our babies is an added insult to the injury this does to our hearts. Please use this board as little or as much as you need. We always hate the reason to welcome new mamas to the group, but you are welcome with open arms. 

schulme2

I am so sorry about the loss of your boys. I hope you find comfort here. I think we've all been through the "what if I did this" game and it can drive you crazy. Please be gentle on yourself as you begin to heal. Big hugs to you!

DevonBedford

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet boys. No one wants to join this group, but hopefully you'll find some comfort in finding you aren't alone in this.
It's been 8 weeks and I am still thinking of the things I may have done or not done to cause my loss. I think that's natural, though we do know deep down it wasn't our fault at all.

bunnybun4

so sorry for the loss of your sons and I am so sorry to have to welcome you here.  unfortunately, blaming ourselves is very common, but you did nothing wrong.  be gentle with yourself and use the board as much as you need.  ((HUGS))

VyD81

I'm so sorry for the loss of your boys, Anthony and Benjamin. Many hugs to you and we're here for you.

Mrodriguez898

Your story has brought tears to my eyes as I lost y little one Last Sunday. My prayers go out to you and your husband and I wish you all the best.
Lots of hugs and positive thoughts and prayers to you

shandorfml2

I am so, so sorry ((((hugs)))

BrittianyM

I am so sorry for the loss of all four of your sweet boys. We are all here for you when ever you need us. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

kflynn81

I'm so sorry for your losses, I recognize your name maybe from the PAIF board. We just lost our son at 20 weeks last month and this board has been a great help to me...hope you find it to be the same ((hugs))

nuttycoconut

****siggy warning****

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful baby boys. I lost boy/girl twins at 22 weeks 3 days 2 years ago (also after IVF and also to an Incompetent Cervix). It was absolutely the most devastating event of my life. I was out of work for 8 weeks and I researched everything I could get my hands on so this would NEVER happen again.

 After my loss, I was able to get pregnant again via IVF, and carry twins to term (with a trans-abdominal cerclage).  They just turned 1 a few weeks ago. If you need to talk or vent or want to ask about my journey feel free to PM me. 

I just want you to know that there is hope for you. You can and will be happy again, even if it seems impossible right now. (((((Hugs))))

kz's_girlygirl

I am so so sorry for the loss of your sons.  I am a fellow IVF'er as well, and can relate to the complicated feelings that go along with infertility/pregnancy/loss. 

Please know that you did nothing to cause this.  Blaming yourself is totally normal, but I hope you know deep down that this is not your fault. 

Do/don't do whatever it is you need to in order to get through the days and weeks ahead.  I will be thinking of you and hoping for peace and healing.

MCH77

I am so sorry for the loss of Anthony and Benjamin. Beautiful names.

I lost my son, Timothy, last week at 24 weeks. I'm also playing the what-if game. If you figure out how to stop, please let me know. It's killing me too.

((Hugs))

Maybe Joleisa

Thank you all for the warm welcome and I'm so sorry for your losses. While it does suck that this board has to exist, it is comforting to know I/we are not alone. Reading through your siggys breaks my heart at so many similar stories of 2nd and even 3rd tri losses. 

@kflynn81: I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm certain we cycled together on the IF board. 

@nuttycoconut: Sadly the MFM doc that took care of me yesterday said if we would be trying again there are things they can do NEXT time. So sad. Congrats on your double rainbows and now I'm off to Google TAC. 

@kz's_girlygirl: Best of luck with your next IVF! I will be getting back on the IVF horse when my body is ready. 

ajsweeton

Siggy warning


I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boys. I too lost twin boys last December at 22w due to ptl and prom. I tried to convey my concerns to my doctors too before labor started, but they were reluctant to do anything. It makes me so angry that we must suffer a loss before doctors will do anything like preventative cerclage placement or even routine checks. I'm currently getting wonderful care that includes weekly checks, but it still makes me so angry that this wasn't done before I lost my beautiful boys. I hope this board can bring you some comfort as you grieve as it did for me.

stefuge

I am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boys, sweet Anthony and Benjamin. No one wants to join this club, but please know we are here whenever you need us. Please be gentle with yourself and take it day by day. ((Hugs))

neptunebljc

I'm sorry for the loss of your boys.  This is a great board for support. Good luck with the next few weeks, its a long and bumpy road, but we are all here to support you.

mingaling2

I'm so sorry for the loss of your boys. Like PP said, it is natural to try to blame yourself and we will be here to tell you that it was not your fault. It will take a while - I know it did for me. Please be gentle with yourself.

PerkyErky

***siggy warning***

I am so sorry for the loss of your two boys, Anthony and Benjamin. We lost our daughter at 20w4d due to IC last March. It is heartbreaking and the what ifs can eat you alive, please know you did everything you could.

Lots of hugs as you plan funeral arrangements, that is so hard.

angelsnight

ticker warning

 

 

 

Im so sorry for the loss of Anthony and Benjamin and your identical boys as well.  We lost our daughter last March at 22 weeks 2 days, also due to IC except she was a singleton.  I'm so very sorry you have to be here, but I am glad you found us.  Please be good to yourself for the next several days, weeks, months, whatever it takes.  I'm glad to hear you get time off work....I took six weeks off and while it was hard going back, I really don't know how I would have functioned if I had gone back any sooner.  Big hugs to you!

Bgirma

I am so so sorry for your loss. Anthony and Benjamin are such beautiful names and I am so sure that they were beautiful little boys. 

The best advice that I received here was to be kind to myself and take my time to heal. I'll pass that along to you as well. We lost our son almost 5 weeks ago so I've been struggling with feelings of guilt, blame, etc. But we all loved our children immensely and did everything we could for them. 

I'm lots of positive thoughts your way.

VioletFlower

I am so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I lost my daughter at 21.2 in September. I completely understand where you are at. It will be rough but you WILL come out on the other side. Lots of hugs for you Hun.

cawettig

I am so sorry for your loss of your twin boys

Maybe Joleisa

Thank you all for your sweet and comforting words. While I have a lot of great, supportive friends IRL, the words of "strangers" (who very unfortunately know the pain) brings me comfort because I see that life goes on and I might just get through this. Never ever over it...but through it? Thank you...