BD Parents Around?

eg214

Just wondering...

Did your BD have his mother or father around when he was growing up?

eg214

For me - BD's dad was never around. BD met him once or twice, knows who he is, but has no relationship with him whatsoever. BD tried to reach out to him when he was in the military and also when we got married but got no response. BD's dad has been in and out of jail but his mother wasn't a good person either. In and out of jail also, stole $14,000 from us when we were married, had guns pulled on her by boyfriends and new husbands, married a few times, leached off the government, etc. 

I ask this question because I fully believe the not having a father figure around or having shitty parents makes you more apt to be a shitty man or a shitty dad. Just my opinion. I don't think my ex knew how to treat me right because all he saw was abuse by the men his mother married or brought around, so he equated love with abuse. I still think he has a mental condition, but that's another story.

MinnesotaMomma91

Meh bd is a douche canoe because hes a douche canoe. His mom and dad were always there for him. Hes adopted so he has issues with that but. Meh, hes got nothing to blame but himself.

Gamera3000

I didn't vote because I didn't know what category BD would go in. He lived with his mom and stepdad until the first grade and they beat the shit out of him and did god knows what else. His real dad swooped in and rescued him at gunpoint (in the midst of a severe beating) and took care of him until the dad died from a heart problem sometime before middle school. BD found him after he'd been dead all weekend. Everyone says BDs real dad was awesome and "like Tom Bosley". I know he had a steady job as a furniture designer and treated BD well. BD had to go back to live with his abusive mom until she took off when he was a teenager and left him and his brother in the house alone.

I think this definitely contributed to BD so far being shitty. I think he feels worthless and unable to live up to being a person like his dad.

He still talks to him mom and wanted her to be around our LO. He said his mom beat him because she's a drunk and he's forgiven her. I said no way is she coming near LO. Which is part of why he thinks I'm unreasonable.

eg214

Wow @gamera3000. I also want baby kept away from his mom and family because they are all psychos IMO and totally unstable but I know it's virtually impossible. BD didn't have a relationship with his mother while we were married and for a few years after bc of her stealing, but they have somewhat of one now to my knowledge...though not like a working, real relationship...just see each other when he sees his nieces and stuff like that. I have no idea if she knows I'm expecting (I'm sure she does) or if he has plans of her being an active grandma or what. I kind of don't want to know. My life wasn't perfect growing up either and my dad was abusive, but he isn't like that at all now and turned his life around. BD's family is just a nasty, trashy, mess. Total Jerry Springer style.

Gamera3000

@sstinson1 I'm totally an advocate of limited contact when someone's family is real messed up.

eg214

@gamera3000 I am going to try for and have been praying for all of this, but with him being in FL and me being in VA...it would almost be on the honor system. I would have very little way of knowing (while she's too young to talk) who he is bringing her around. His best friend has been in and out of jail for drugs and did a stint in prison for it for a few years. He's never been one to get into that, but I still don't want her around people like that and I don't think that's a lot to request, but I am so doubtful those requests will be honored and even if they were legally bound...he'd not listen and I'd have no way of knowing. He'd say that his friend would never do that stuff around her and that might be true...but still...why even bring your daughter around someone like that? I sure as hell wouldn't.

I won't know anything for certain until I get before a judge but I just pray and hope SOME limitations are granted. The atty I met with made it sound like I was SOL...which is why I hate this so much.

inthelost

BD's mom met Liliana one time, but we haven't heard from her since. I have reached out to BD's dad also but he has never even bothered to reply to me at all. I guess I get it where BD gets it from now, he's also only seen her one time, and never asks about her. the difference his the one time his mom met her, she actually had a few outfits for Liliana, but Ryan has not helped me with anything...not a single pack of diapers or anything.

EDIT: wow, i misread this question totally, i thought it was are they around for LO...sorry. but yes, he had both his parents growing up. they're still married.

tig594

Yes, BD's parents were married until he was about 19-20.  They then divorced because his mom had had enough of the mental and physical abuse from his dad, who is still a drunk and just a plain old rotten person.  I know it's horrible to say but his dad is a waste of space.  After his mom left his dad she had to come back to get some clothes and stuff so she brought the cops with her.  The dad tried shooting her with a shotgun when the cops were there but apparently they didn't hear it.  Don't ask me how they missed it...

Anyway, BD has an older brother who was treated like the golden child and never got in trouble while BD had to help his worthless dad with the farm chores and garden and stuff.  It was just a small farm so it wasn't a huge amount of work but it seems BD was always getting in trouble for something yet today his daddy likes having him for a drinking buddy and bad mouths every girlfriend BD has ever had.  I've heard a rumor that BD and his bro are really half brothers and one of them was sired by their uncle (BD's dad's brother).  Crazy shit.

BDs mom took years of abuse from his dad and has the nerve to get on my case because I won't put up with BDs antics.  BD isn't physically abusive but his drinking causes him to be mentally abusive and manipulative.  I'll never understand how she thinks.  Like him, she's pretty close to blaming everyone else in the world for his problems.  Maybe she just can't accept the fact that she's a shitty mother who stayed with his shitty father too long. 

MinnesotaMomma91

Tig, thats so sad that she doesnt support you after everything shes been through

20thirteen

My BD's parents are happily married.  However, BD's mom has a problem with binge drinking and even joked to BD that he wouldn't be around if it wasn't for Beck's beer.  When I was growing up, my parents did not drink around us, they did not go out to a party and come home drunk for us to see what they look like drunk.  BD's mom drank in front of him and his brother and there had been times when they've had to peel her off the garage floor and put her into her bed.  She jokes about it like it was not a big deal.  I can't imagine getting that drunk and having DD help bring me to bed.  I would be so embarrassed!  This is part of the reason why I'm so glad that BD's parents moved away.  I won't be invited to places where she's going to start drinking and get wasted in front of DD. I worry about when she comes up to visit though.  So far, we've only hung out at my house, but there may come a day when she's like "let's go out to a restaurant!" and drink a bunch of wine.  Her husband will get mad and they'll fight, and she'll cry that they're fighting over "nothing", and then just bad feelings and tears.  In front of DD. I haven't thought of when would be a good time to talk to her about drinking in front of DD and how I'm discouraging her from doing so.  But that might be something I'll casually slip into conversation every time she comes up just so she knows I'm dead fucking serious about it.  BD turned out to be an alcoholic because growing up, he saw alcohol abuse as funny and relatively ok.  I turned out to be one awesome fucking bitch because I know what substance abuse looks like because it wasn't a normal thing in my household.

tig594

Tell me about it.  I will never understand substance abuse.  I could never imagine being that sad and upset about my life that I'd need to self medicate.  I think the only thing that would ever cause that is if something really bad happened to DD.  And then I'd probably just skip the self medicating part entirely.  

Gamera3000

@sstinson1 I'm in VA too. If you can find a way to document BDs substance abuse problems, esp with drugs, it might hold more weight here than some other states. I don't know though, I haven't been to a lawyer myself yet. I'm benefitting from a VA law that makes your spouse the "presumed father". My ex and I are still married but not together, but he's been a natural father to LO already (I'm still pregnant) even though he's not the BD.

Speaking of, my ex's parents are still together (something like 45 years??). His mom is seriously disabled and his dad is now retired from a low wage, lifelong job. I think it had a big impression on my ex that even though his mom can't do much, his dad is devoted to her. His dad has always worked with no complaints, never drank, did drugs, or even cursed in front of the kids, and his parents allowed them all to be whoever or whatever they wanted. All the kids are atheists and the parents are bible thumpers, but when the kids grew up they stopped trying to convince them.

Now that everyone is grown, his parents are more open. They ran moonshine, drank, smoked weed, raced around on motorcycles and were friends with criminals when they were younger. They just made a commitment to live better when they had kids.

They've been a big influence on me too. I think if not for them I'd have no idea what good parents are like.

Incidentally-BD and my ex grew up together. They had the same education and friends. They were both in a special gifted program together at school. The only difference was their parents.

MinnesotaMomma91

@Roxalot funny how monkey see monkey does woeks with parents and children doesnt it? My xfil was an abusive alcoholic meth addict. Guess what my xh turned into. An alcoholic meth addict.

My xh addmited to me that him and his dad started drinking and getting high on pot together when xh was 16.

Alcohol was always around when i was growing up. My parents would occassionally have a glass of wine or beer with dinner. When i turned 18 i was allowed to drink at home so i ould learn to be responsible.

20thirteen

She has no idea why her son turned out the way he did. She has looked at me and said "where did I go wrong? I tried to be a good mother..."

I feel bad responding to her, so I usually don't.

MinnesotaMomma91

Yeah i wouldnt. Id ignore my ex in -laws when theyd go off on these tangents about how they didnt know where they went wrong with their daughters.

Okay one daughter was berrated for dating a guy who didnt ask permission to date her. When xh asked my dad for permission to date me we were all like wtf, this is the 21st century. The same daughter was berrated for dating an older man.

Two, the younger daughter turned out like xfil only she was the abused not the abuser. Unfortunatley shes 19 has had four abortions and several stds because her parents refused to put her on birth control or teach the importance of condoms.

eg214

Wow. I mean, I know nobody's family is perfect but to me, there's got to be some correlation between shitty BD's and their shitty parents. I have no doubt BD will be a great father and loves the hell out of his daughter already, but he has no idea how to treat me...the mother of his child and didn't know how to treat me when I was his wife. I'm not interested in keeping him away from his daughter but ensuring he wakes the hell up and realizes this is a human life we're talking about here. It's not fun and games and cutesy clothes and pink princess. How is he gonna handle it when she has a fever and is screaming her head off at 3am and has been screaming for 4 hours straight, red in the face? That's the stuff I worry about because of his temper.

@gamera3000 - BD doesn't have a drug problem or abuse drugs...it's his best friend that does. BD uses marijuana every now and again but I don't have a MASSIVE issue with this because he has MS. When we got back together, he never used it in front of me once, so I don't have a problem with the occasional pot use. When we were married and he was diagnosed with MS, I made it clear he wasn't to use around our child (I was PG and had a M/C) or while the child was in his care. I'll have that conversation with him again and don't believe he will. It's his shitty friend that worries me. Like he'll bring her to his house and drug deal gone bad or something while he's there type stuff. The guy showed up to our wedding dinner completely shitfaced and had to be held up and babysat by two other friends. It was horrific. Sad really. It's BD's anger and vengeance that really concerns me. He flies off the handle and has incredibly irrational mood swings. Apologizing for everything he ever did to me one second and the next time I hear from him, it's nasty or bringing up something awful about our past. That's why we divorced...I was tired of waking on eggshells with an abusive man.

tig594

I would think in most cases you are all correct about monkey see, monkey do.  However, BDs brother is NOTHING like the rest of his bat shit crazy family of alcoholics.  BD followed in their footsteps and his brother went the complete opposite way.  He is a great dad and spouse and he and his wife have really good jobs. 

eg214

Yeah I've seen that as well @tig594. 

Both my cousins went through fits of being dumbasses but one has recovered and made something of his life and the other is a mentally wacked out, pot smoking, loser (hate to say that). I should be an abusive alcoholic with my father's history, but never had a problem with either. People def. have a choice to do right or be wrong. It's obviously easier to monkey see, monkey do when you have shitty parents or a shitty upbringing rather than work on yourself to do what's right.

tig594

Yeah.  It's always easier to blame everyone else for your problems.  I call that a loser for sure.

MinnesotaMomma91

I agree tig, we all make our own choices but its all in how you deal with the consequences of those choices

Gamera3000

@sstinson1 oh whoops I guess I misread. He really sounds like a pain though. I'd make sure I found a lawyer.

My late brother and I grew up really terribly, as did my siblings who grew up with their moms. Our dad died when we were all really young. My sister finally straightened out but had a drug problem, my two oldest brothers are sexual predators, my younger brother is autistic (I believe this kept some of the bad stuff from affecting him as much) but my late brother was the finest person I ever met. And I'm not just saying that because he's gone. He learned how to be a man from reading fantasy and sci-if books and built up these crazy strict morals. He was wonderful to other people but so hard on himself he eventually killed himself. So even though he was a very good man, being without a father (and having a shit mom) really affected him.

I'm also too hard on myself. I'm in recovery from an eating disorder and I have too many degrees that I got for pretty much no reason. Also I obviously have shitty taste in men. :P

MinnesotaMomma91

@Gamera3000 are we secretley each other? I also usually have shitty taste inmen, suffered from eating disorders, have gluten problems, and tattoos

Gamera3000

@lamuelen maybe!

20thirteen

LOL, a lot of us on here have (had) shitty taste in men.  I still look back on my relationship with BD and I just can't believe I was sober when I met him, and sober for at least the first two years of our relationship! There is no excuse for that!

MinnesotaMomma91

I was drunk when i made ds. I wish i could say i was shit faced my entire marriage

Gamera3000

I was drunk on 5 out of a six pack of hard cider that wasnt even very good. I was drink because BD was irritating me so much I had to be drunk to stand him. Turns out he was irritating because he was in heroin withdrawal.

But little Thor came out of that so it was worth it!

jesuisfatiguee

From what I understand, he was raised by his mother who kept him from his father because she is vindictive. She won't speak to me, so I only have his father's side of the story. Go figure.

20thirteen

Weird, I just don't understand people like that. How do they spawn??