Anyone co-parenting with dad?

anne0709

Hi, I have a unique situation that I'd love your thoughts on. My partner has a daughter and she shares custody with her ex husband. He has a boyfriend and the four of us are all good friends. We have family dinners and do many things together as a family. Last spring, we talked about having a second child (all four of us) and decided that I would be the one to get pregnant with the ex-husband's boyfriend (now fiance, they're engaged). So he and I created a parenting agreement and will share custody 50 / 50, just like our current daughter.

Now I'm pregnant and thinking about when I have the baby. We didn't stipulate WHEN the 50 / 50 custody would start, and I can't imagine handing over my newborn infant to be away from me half the time. It just goes against my instincts. I feel like the baby should be with me full time for at least the first three months, with the dads coming over as much and as often as they want, of course.

My question is, are my instincts backed by any kind of research? Are there studies that have been done that prove the baby should stay with its mother in early infancy?

And is anyone else co-parenting? If so, when did you start the joint custody?

Thanks in advance for your help!

ATXmommas

I really don't have any answers to your questions, but if you plan to breastfeed it certainly would be best to have baby with you full time in the first few months. Best of luck.

trisholio

I don't have any experience with your situation, but my advice would be to communicate as much as possible.  We are pregnant with a known donor and we talk to them about all kinds of stuff, especially during the ttc phase.  But we are aware of our rolls in the future in the childs life and ect.  I would just say to talk it out, and talk about it some more.  

Jazibel

First congratulations on your pregnancy (all of you) :-)  I don't have any experience co-parenting though my wife and I used a KD, he is only very occasionally in Kaden's life (similar to a distant uncle, this was our KD's preference as well as our own).

If you plan on breastfeeding, our midwife explained that other nipples (bottles, etc.) shouldn't be introduced for about 6 weeks as they can lead to nipple confusion and can cause latch/breastfeeding issues.  In your situation I might wait those 6 weeks (give or take) to introduce a bottle, which may affect how you handle shared custody during that time. 

Would a shared living arrangement work for a period of time so the dads can also bond with their baby, but you can be nearby to breastfeed on-demand.

I would guess if you chose to formula feed that you would have more flexibility with shared-custody.  I also agree with PP to talk with everyone in the family to come to an agreeable arrangement.

Good luck & welcome!!

newmompeanut

OOO!  This is a post I can help with! 

I co-parent with my ex-husband.  My daughter, N, currently has 3 parents: her dad, R, myself, and my girlfriend, B.  N is currently almost a year old, but my ex-husband and I separated when I was 6 months pregnant. 

We have 50/50 custody and a very great relationship with my ex too.  N had her first over night stay at her dad's when she was just shy of two weeks old.  N was born on Tuesday, February 12 and stayed at his house on the 23rd.  I was on maternity leave until The end of April and my ex took off a week and a half to help me during the day with N.  So from the end of February to the end of April N would go with her dad almost 50/50, but then would be with me all day instead of daycare.  At the end of my maternity leave R took two weeks off to be with N during the day.  The full 50/50 custody started the week before I went back to work.

One of the biggest studies I found (that we tried to case our arrangement around) was when to introduce a bottle, if nursing.  The studies I found were suggesting much later than 2 weeks, but her dad really wanted her overnight so we tried sooner. 

Like PP suggested I would sit down and discuss it all together.  This is just what worked for us   That said I would cry the entire time she was away from me for literally months.  The first night I didn't cry she was 4 months old.  One thing that I think really helped me was the BabyConnect app.  All the parents are connected to it and you input everything in there (feedings, sleeping, diapers, messages, photos, etc.).  It was amazing because there were so many times that I would say "I wonder what N is doing?" and I could just open the app and look instead of calling R.  We are also pretty good about sending photos and videos back and forth when one of us has her.  That helped too

Please let me know if you'd like to discuss this more!  I'd be more than happy to talk to you about it.  Good luck!

anne0709

newmompeanut Thank you! That's super helpful. I will look for a way to private message you my phone number. I would love to talk with you about this.