Bad weekend

tache

Sorry I have been a little MIA. Life is crazy with commuting but I still look on here just don't always have time to post.

This weekend some friends of ours told us they are expecting. I was happy for them until they started going on and on about how they were preventing it and it still happened so he must have great swimmers. This is the worst thing to say to someone with MFI but they don't know we have that so it wasn't malicious.

Things went from bad to worse on the drive home from dinner. I told DH I was sad. He got mad and we got into a huge fight. He said I can't get upset every time someone gets pregnant. I tried to tell him I'm not mad at them I'm mad at the unfairness. I also told him that at first I'm happy for them then I start thinking it would be fun to be pregnant at the same time then I get sad because I think that probably won't happen. He was so annoyed by all of this and it makes me feel really alone and like I can't express my true feelings on this subject without him getting upset.

sorry for the rant I needed to vent! Thanks for listening!

sailorgal

Rough I'm so sorry.

I get the alone feeling. DH continually tells me he'd be perfectly happy if we stayed a family of 3. If we have another baby, that's good with him too but he says he's happy where we are now too while I feel something (someone) missing.

Momarazzi007

I get it. My cousin just announced her second pregnancy this morning. We are also MFI so I totally get where you are coming from with comments like that. I know it is especially hard on hubs. He lets me be sad though. He gets sad too, which I know is hard for him to admit. Maybe he was arguing bc he didn't want to think of being sad too? I don't know, but vent all you want, it sucks, it isn't fair, and you are not alone. I'm sorry you guys got in a fight. I know w hubs I can't talk about it bc it becomes a pity party for him and I can never talk about my hurt, but he has come as far as to at least let me say when I am sad without going there anymore, I just can't say anymore. I hope you have a better weekend

freakyfast

(((HUGS))) 

KC1212

I'm so sorry. Guys just process this stuff differently. I bet being MFI your DH hurts more than he lets on.

I always hate the "Infertility brought us closer" comments because I know it has been a real strain on our marriage. I think your DH doesn't get that it goes beyond a little bit of jealousy but, is a painful reminder basically.

pettycrocker

Ugh your H is being a huge jerk. I was just saying to my H last night, I know he is trying to be supportive, but he just doesn't "get it" from my perspective- but he damn sure thinks he does. It's just not the same. 

That is why this group is so essential, because we can really relate to each other. 

I'm sorry your H has his man period. Hugs. 

:o3

Jeffreysmom24

So sorry. That would have upset me too. I totally get what you are saying about your DH - mine has basically admitted that he doesn't understand what I am going through. I think guys process this stuff differently. That is why I am so glad to have this board. Before, I was constantly telling DH how lonely and frustrating this all was. Anyway, we are here for you. Sending you big hugs!

CheesyPeas

I'm so sorry, hon.  Guys just don't get it sometimes.  DH and I get in fights over baby and pregnancy stuff too and it makes me so frustrated.  It's fine if guys don't feel the same way about all this stuff as we do but damnit, they shouldn't act as if there's something wrong with the way we feel.  They're entitled to their feelings, just as we're entitled to ours.  X(

cerad5

Sorry about your weekend. I agree with everyone else, I really think men process emotions differently in general, add infertility issues and it gets even more messy.

Amerbutt81

I'm sorry you had to go through all this.  I struggle with the happiness/sadness of someone's announcement too.  hugs

annibes

I'm sorry. Other BFPs are hard enough without having to hear how amazingly easy it was (or how impossible it was to prevent).

Acegoat

Sending hugs.  It is always difficult for me to hear of another new pregnancy among friends and family and sorry your husband wasn't supportive, men really do process differently.  Hope your tomorrow is a little brighter.

tache

Thanks for all of the support! I think I sometimes forget he is hurting too and his position might be a defense mechanism.

I get worried because afterwards we both state our opinion and feelings and say next time we will respect each others position. But I know that won't happen. I know we will fall back into our normal roles and get into a fight.

I sometimes worry IF will destroy our marriage.

Jen071407

((hugs)) IF is such a huge stress on a marriage. The roller coaster of emotions with the addition of all the extra hormones we're shoveling into our bodies sometimes makes it plain ol' hard to be around people, even our husbands. 

Jeffreysmom24

tache said:

Thanks for all of the support! I think I sometimes forget he is hurting too and his position might be a defense mechanism.

I get worried because afterwards we both state our opinion and feelings and say next time we will respect each others position. But I know that won't happen. I know we will fall back into our normal roles and get into a fight.

I sometimes worry IF will destroy our marriage.

This used to happen to us alot too. I would get mad at DH for not being supportive enough and we would end up in a fight. I have just accepted that he cannot understand what I go through every month with the BFNs. This board is my outlet now. It's not that I don't talk to DH about it anymore but I have lowered my expectations of him.

designer303

I'm so sorry IF is extremely stressful and tough on a marriage, we look back on the years when we were trying to get KU (first time around) and even really while I was PG (as we had a number of loss scares) as the saddest, most stressful times of our lives.  It took us awhile to get back to normal and it definitely tested our marriage, but we have had some time to heal and talked ALOT, and finally feel that we are getting back on track. The stress of IF really pushed both of us close to our breaking points and that made dealing with day to day life hard sometimes, because we had nothing left to give emotionally to each other.  This definitelty caused bickering and its sucks.  Open and truly honest communication at a time when you can both focus and listen to what the other is saying was a huge help to us, we both learned a lot about how we each dealt with the stress and the not so obivious side effects it was having on us.

It is also really important to know where your partner is on the topic, as do you both feel that you need another child to be happy?, because I found that I had a lot of feelings like I thought DH would be disapointed in me if I didnt give him another child- those were wrong and in my head and it created more tension between us.  You two may totally be on the same page and know exactly where the other stands, but just in case talk it out, cause I thought I knew, but I was way off.

I also feel that this board is a safe place and I can come and say anything, and sometimes that is enough, sometimes I still talk to DH too, I hope that things get better for you and your DH.  Its so important to feel that you are partners in this battle and I'm so sorry thats tough right now.     I hope you two can talk and get some peace so that you can be better support to each other.  Huge hugs to you and know that you are so not alone in this crap.

Sorry if I sound preachy- really just trying to help and boil down years of trying to work through these same issues into the shortest paragraphs possible.