Single Parents

Something I wasn't expecting...

I posted here a while back about my custody case that was coming up. Well yesterday morning I learned that my Ex, committed suicide. I am so confused and frustrated and mad and hurt and my head is spinning. I don't know what to feel. On the one hand a lot of my worry is gone, but on the other hand How do I tell my sweet baby girl about this when she is old enough to understand.
Then in the middle of all of the craziness that came after finding out about his death, I find out he never took my name off his life insurance policy. So there are now so many more questions that come with this. What if his parents find out it's under my name, what if they try to take me to court, what if, what if, what if.

This single momma is tired, and confused. Every time I closed my eyes last night to go to sleep I pictured his parents finding him, in his bed, in their house, so not much sleep last night. Anyone ever dealt with a situation like this or know someone who did?

Tired momma.

Re: Something I wasn't expecting...

  • Oh my.  I am so so sorry about your ex and can't begin to imagine what you're dealing with.  I wouldn't worry about the what ifs right now if you can help it. Easier said than done, I know.  Is it really so bad you'll get his life insurance?  I mean, you do raise his child so I don't see why you shouldn't get it.  I'd think the court would take that into consideration if it were to get that far.  Maybe he didn't change it for that very reason. 
  • I am hoping so. I just know how hard it will be for his parents to bury him, and I am sure they are expecting the money. Part of me feels awful for that very reason, I want to give them some of it I am just not sure that will be enough for their liking. I am trying so hard not to worry about all the what if's right now and just focus on trying to figure out how I feel, cause I truly don't know how I feel. I know I feel so extremely bad for his family and close friends who couldn't do anything for him. I know I am mad and frustrated with him that he chose that way to die. I didn't feel sad until this morning when I was alone for the first time since I found out, but it didn't feel like a normal sad. It feels weird, and not necessarily sad for me. I just don't understand how he felt like things were that bad for him. I don't understand how he couldn't look at our daughter and say I can do better, I need to do better for her. My head is spinning..  :-<
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  • Oh how heartbreaking. I'm so very sorry. I'd just take it day by day right now. It's okay to feel sad, even if it's not the normal sad. It's still a loss. I know for me it always hurts more to watch my child go through a loss or think of things she won't experience or bonds she won't have. 

    As far as the life insurance, I don't think it's bad for at least some of that to go to you. You're raising his daughter after all. You've got 18+ years of paying for food, clothing, shelter, school supplies, entertainment for her, and funding college, and that could be why he kept you as the beneficiary. I'm not sure if this works in all cases, but she may be entitled to some of his social security benefits as well, if any exist. I'm not a lawyer so I don't know all the ins and outs of that but I've heard of that being done. Keeping you and your little girl in my thoughts!
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  • Im sorry to hear about you and your daughters loss. Just remember even if your not the normal sad your grieving.

    I do recomend talking to a councelor they may know better how to explain things to your child.

    And about the life insurance policy buisness i know its easier said then done but try not to worry about it. Why borrow worries from tomorrow when you can enjoy today
  • I agree with seeing a counselor.  They can help you work out what you're feeling and get you into a state of being that can help you cope with this loss.  And perhaps give you an idea of how exactly to talk about it with your LO when the time comes.  I'm so sorry for your loss, suicide is such a tragedy.

    Don't worry about the life insurance thing.  That is another thing you can talk to a counselor about since it's also affecting how you feel about this.  His parents may be upset that they aren't getting money but if you think about it, who puts their parents as a beneficiary on their life insurance?  Because the children should be outliving the parents.  So try to keep that in mind too.  They might get upset but it wouldn't make sense.  It would be like if they still had their parents as their beneficiaries, their parents are likely dead by now.  Why would they be listed at all?
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  • Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts. I am going to talk to my lawyer about all the life insurance stuff and hope that he can deal with it all for me. He is already looking into Social Security benefits, but unfortunately that wont be much.  Roaxalot, I definitely agree with what you said about his parents, I just wish his parents (mom) was reasonable in general. I am praying that this doesn't cause grand parents rights to be filed.

    I think once everything settles down I will go see a counselor, my mom suggested that as well. Hopefully doing that will help me to let go of all the anger I have towards him from the past and now. 
  • Good thinking on the lawyer.  I'm not sure what state you're in but grand parents have no rights in many states.  I'm in Michigan and this is one of them.
  • My brother (we were very close), my gran, and my ex boyfriend who I was seeing again all killed themselves. All of them were pretty jerky to me toward the end, which is something suicidal people do to push you away. I'm close with my ex's little brother and his life has been destroyed by my ex's death. It's really hard to watch.

    Suicide is one of the worst things you can do to the people who love you. Your BD never should have left his child, no matter what was going on with him.

    There's a book called "Night Falls Fast" about why people kill themselves. It's literally taken me years to read it because its hard to think about. My biggest takeaway from it has been that people do that because they want to, and you have to accept that their sadness was more important than you. This is going to be something your LO will always struggle with. You need to take care of yourself and your feelings so you'll know how to help your LO in the future.

    I think it's important for you to see a counselor sooner rather than later.

    This shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry it did. Ill be thinking about you and your family.

    Btw- Sorry if I was too blunt. I've been dealing with this for a long time.
  • This is heartbreaking news to hear, and I'm sorry it happened. Your family will be in my thoughts. We're here if you need us.
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  • Thank you all so much for the helpful suggestions and your thoughts and prayers. It's been a long few days, and I am so glad it's the weekend so I don't have to worry about work too. If you think about us from time to time just say a prayer, I'm sure we could use it!
  • I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.  My nephew's father committed suicide about 2 years ago and then his grandma about a year ago.  He's 9 now, so he was 7 when his Dad passed.  It was heart breaking to tell him.  My parents, other sisters and I were there when my sister and her husband told him.  They have chosen to not tell him it was suicide for now.  When he's older or asks about what exactly happened, then they'll inform him.  

    My sister really struggled with how to deal with all the feelings.  She's happily married, but it's still hard.  A counselor would be a wonderful thing.  

    As far as a life insurance policy goes, his was never dispersed, because it was a suicide.  In my parenting agreement it states that my ex has to have a life insurance policy with me as beneficiary, to cover CS. The other thing to keep in mind is, that my nephew now receives a social security death benefit, which you could also look into if you wanted.  
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  • Wow. I am so so sorry. I can understand the feelings of relief and also sadness and guilt. I have had two people I cared for/love commit suicide. It's tough.

    As far as the life insurance, I am requiring my ex/BD to get a life insurance policy in my name and vice versa for care for our child. From what I understand, this is an "understood" request and not something that is "rare." Not sure how else to word it...but it's normal in other words. That way IF something were to happen to one of you, your child would be provided for by the other. I have also been told it's done to cover child support in case something were to happen to the parent. I am not very familiar with life insurance policies and death and maybe this is an ancient rule, but I know back in the day if you committed suicide, life insurance wouldn't pay out. I doubt this is how it is anymore but who knows if certain companies have clauses or something.

    As far as explaining things to your daughter, I wouldn't worry too much about that now. You have time. I always envisioned telling my daughter her dad was "sick" when/if she asked why we weren't together or why we divorced or why we broke up or whatever. I don't feel the need to tell her that her father was abusive and treated me like shit. Maybe you can just tell her the same thing...that he was sick...which really could be the truth if he had a mental illness. I'm sure just reminding her it had nothing to do with her, he was sick, and letting all of the other family members know your plans of handling it so she doesn't get mixed stories.


    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
  • @jokimoto I just wanted to say that although I usually don't support hiding things from kids I think in that kind of situation it's warranted. My dad died in a very painful and gruesome road rage accident and I grew up knowing exactly how he died. It really haunted me.

    I have half siblings who were told he just broke his neck and they didn't know the details until they were adults. I think it was easier for them that way. Kids shouldn't have to take all that in at once.
  • @gamera3000 Oh wow. So sorry to hear that :(

    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
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