Avoiding MIL for my own sanity...

MormonMrs1218

I realize that a great deal of my frustration comes from being 38 weeks and feeling super stabby lately, but I'm seriously about to lose my mind.

DH and I live with his mom and brother at the moment so that we can all help each other out financially and eventually get out of MI. Fine.

However, for at least the third time this week, MIL mentioned to someone in my presence that it was going to be really hard for her not to run away with the baby the first time DH and I take a date night, and that it's going to take all her willpower not to snatch the baby out of my arms. She then said she wished I wouldn't BF so that "other people could bond with the baby."

I'm glad she's excited, but I really wish she'd find a better way to articulate it. My family hovers too, but they don't joke about kidnapping DD or snatching her away from me. I don't really appreciate feeling like a selfish witch because I've chosen to BF, either.

She never says this crap around DH. I think she's waiting for me to just blow up at her for all the passive-aggressive junk she's pulled in the last year.

Like I said, I'm trying to avoid her so that I don't spit venom, but it's difficult. I used to be able to escape to the barn and spend time with the horses, but that's out right now. I have no way to really get rid of the stress in my current state, so thanks for letting me vent.

dunvilles

Vent away!

When my MIL says stuff like this, I get satisfaction from pretending I didn't hear her... which frustrates her bc she makes these kinds of comments to annoy me/get under my skin. hehe... Small victories!

Just remember, ultimately it is YOUR baby and you get to decide... Just make sure DH is on your side.

RondackHiker

The next time she comments about BFing, just smile and say "oh, I've heard changing diapers is GREAT for bonding, so you should do that!" A "why would you call me selfish for following doctor's recommendations?" works well too. For kidnapping I'd be as super sweet and passive aggressive as she is, "then I guess we know who won't be babysitting, don't we?"

slwprincess

dunvilles said:

Vent away!

When my MIL says stuff like this, I get satisfaction from pretending I didn't hear her... which frustrates her bc she makes these kinds of comments to annoy me/get under my skin. hehe... Small victories!

Just remember, ultimately it is YOUR baby and you get to decide... Just make sure DH is on your side.

I was going to suggest this as well.  I have a certain family member who basically just likes to be an AW and get under peoples skin.  She is constantly trying to stir up drama.  It used to drive me crazy and I took the bait every.single.time.  Then one time when we went to visit, I just refused to even acknowledge it.  It was sooooo hard the first few times but then I saw how much it irritated her that I wouldn't take the bait and it became fun ;-)  I say give it a shot.  Free entertainment.

Giraffealaff

RondackHiker said:

The next time she comments about BFing, just smile and say "oh, I've heard changing diapers is GREAT for bonding, so you should do that!" A "why would you call me selfish for following doctor's recommendations?" works well too. For kidnapping I'd be as super sweet and passive aggressive as she is, "then I guess we know who won't be babysitting, don't we?"

I love you.

MormonMrs1218

I did tell DH. He replied that she was just really excited, but agreed that she ought to find a better way to show it. He did tell me that if she gets grabby with the baby or mean to me (more so than the passive-aggressive stuff she normally does) that I could take DD and go home to my family for a while until MIL straightens up.

The problem there is that I don't want to separate him from his daughter, and it's a 6 hour trip one way. I really hope it doesn't come to that, and that grandma just has a case of baby rabies.

RondackHiker

So he'd rather SEND YOU AWAY than tell mommy dearest that she shouldn't be grabby or mean?

MormonMrs1218

No, he would tell her first, and so would I, it's more of a last resort than anything.

Because of the anxiety and depression I've dealt with most of my life, I'm at a high risk for PPD. If MIL becomes too much to handle, it's nice to know I have his support to separate myself and my baby from the situation.

I am currently looking for a better support system here (counselors, new mom groups, etc.) and if I can get something in place, I'm sure I'll feel a lot better about things, but it's hard going. Back home, I knew where to go if I didn't feel well, and my family knew how to help me. DH has never seen me at my worst, and MIL's reaction to any signs of my depression is to ask what I've got to be depressed about, which pretty much just makes me feel like crud. Plus, a lot of the resources here are located in an area of town that I will not go alone, much less with a baby.

RondackHiker

That makes more sense. Since you're at risk of PPD I would talk to her ahead of time. Well, have dh talk to her.

He needs to tell her the jokes about snatching baby from you or kidnapping aren't funny and need to stop, and that BFing comments aren't okay either. And that she is not to ask "what do you have to be depressed about". Make sure she knows the consequences now, before baby comes, so she can correct her behavior.

Is living with her really worth the money you're saving?

shellbell3845

You need DH to stand up to his mommy and set some ground rules/boundaries. Sending you away because a grown up woman is acting inappropriately is not acceptable. It might not be pleasant for him to have this discussion with her, but it must happen. Like today.

MormonMrs1218

Thank you for your support. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting. We are trying to save money to leave, but it's hard when MIL hits us up for everything from car repairs to delinquent bills that she can't be bothered to mention until we get a shutoff notice.

We moved in with her because we all wanted to get out to Utah. She promised and promised that it would happen within 6 months, but it's been a year, and nothing. So, DH and I are planning on moving to my hometown, where job prospects are much better and I have a better support system.

I'll be glad when we are in a place of our own again! It will happen eventually, I just have to survive until then.

jpoindahouse

I think others have given you amazing advice but I wanted to add a couple of things:
1) I think you may be giving this woman too much credit. Her comment about baby kidnapping may just be a very poor joke, but the comment about breast feeding is super weird to me. It's like she is jealous of the connection you will have with your child
2) I think some of what may be going on with dh is that he is more "afraid" or "intimated" by his mother than of you. What I meN is that he fears upsetting her more than he fears upsetting you. I went through this with my dh. His mother is a very demanding woman and I am a peacekeeper so it was easier for him to let me down than to incur her wrath. Anyway, if this is the case, you need to bring it to dh s attention

RondackHiker

Okay, you guys need to make some MAJOR changes.

You all need to sit down and sort out bills. You need to have them at a central location so that you are all aware of all bills at all times. You should all know when the heat/phone/electricity/rent/mortgage is due. There shouldn't be any delinquent bills to surprise anyone. You need to work out a payment plan and stick to it and not bail each other out. If she can't do that, you cannot live with her.

You and your husband need to learn to say no to her. You don't need to pay for her car or her personal bills. You shouldn't. Say "we are not able to do that at this time" and do not budge from that. Ignore all guilt trips and drama.

Why is she determining when you guys move? Why don't you and your h have your own plan? You said she promised six months and now it's been a year. Why is she making promises and why is she in control?

Your finances seem... Confusing to me. You and your h need to sit and budget and plan and then sit with her and plan the rules for living together, which includes the budget and so on.