Nudging Dad into the Idea

heidigmason

I've been married for 2+ years and living with my (now) husband for 4+ years. I'm ready to have a baby yesterday, but my husband is not there yet. I realize that it's important for both of us to be ready to make this big step, but I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas as to ways to nudge him in the right direction?

SpaceGirlSpiff

If your husband is not there yet, there really is no nudging or tricking him into being ready now.  It's a big deal, and it is important that you're both truly ready

What you can do is sit and have a conversation about your goals and his goals, come to a mutual understanding and agreement and then plan based on that.  Put your time table out there and what goals you have, listen to his time table and what goals he may have before having kids... and listen to them and respect them... and then work on a mutual plan. 

JemmaWRX

If he's not ready, then now isn't the right time.  You just have to be patient.  Rather than try to "nudge him in the right direction" ask him when he thinks he might be ready.  What's his timeline?  What does he want to accomplish during that time?  Does he have career goals he's trying to achieve, savings goals, does he simply want a few more kid-free years?  After determining a rough timeline, table the baby talk for a little while. 

Good luck!  

greeneyed_bride

I agree with PPs. It's not a good idea to try to pressure him into it, even if it doesn't feel like a lot of pressure to you.

I was ready to start trying for baby number 1 before DH was. We sat down and together wrote down a list of things we both wanted to do/have before we started trying for a baby. Some of the things were financial goals (pay off one of my student loans, have at least $XX in savings, have at least $XX in retirement, meet with a financial adviser, etc) and some were just things we thought would be nice to do before being parents (take a cruise, buy a king sized bed, etc.) We agreed that we'd work on the list and then discuss kids again when the list was almost complete. It was nice for him because it helped him to decide what would make him feel more ready, and it was nice for me because as we crossed things off the list, I felt like we were getting closer to having kids.

As it turned out, DH turned 30 and randomly decided he was ready to have kids (although I think we still ended up crossing pretty much everything off the list before DS was born.) 

Funnily enough, when it came to deciding to try for baby #2, DH was ready way before I was.

Jags8

You can maybe figure out why he isn't ready, but please do not pressure him. My husband is ready to be a dad right now, but I'm not. He has stopped now, but I got so annoyed when he would try talking about it and I felt like he was pressuring me. So if he isn't ready, he isn't ready.

lifeonthehill

Like PP said. Talk realistically. Make your feelings known and learn about his.

I am ready now but we are working on some financial goals. H thinks that he is ready but the financial goals are stressing him out so much it makes him wonder if we will be ready after the goals are met. Our current timeline is getting off BC in September and really trying in December when we finish our baby bucket list. If we meet these goals and he still isn't ready I am going to have to take a few days away to deal with my emotions before revisiting the topic without pressuring him.

Good Luck!

LexiPlexi

I agree with the PPs. Making a Baby Bucket List is a great way to help him see what he wants/needs in order to be baby ready. This will also help you because once the list is done he'll feel more ready. (Plus, when we made our list DH mentioned something that I didn't think about but really wanted to do before baby.)

Also, I would suggest that you don't try to nudge him pr push him toward having babies before he's ready. It could be disastrous. He could be resentful, withdrawn, etc. Good luck!

PB&J714

All PPs gave great advice. My DH and I have been discussing our timeline for TTC recently. I'm ready and he's not. We've talked. He's made it clear that he wants me to get a better paying job before we even entertain the thought...fair. He also wants to take a trip to Ireland...I can handle that. Just talk with your husband and figure out what his hang-ups are with TTC. You will both feel a lot less stressed about it when you have specific goals in mind.

kerbear135

What PPs said...find out why he isn't ready and then you two can come up with a plan on how to get ready. DH's major hangups were money and the fact that he'd never really been around little kids...so we sat down and figured out how to get our finances where he'd be comfortable, and then he started helping me watch kids at our church nursery so he'd be more comfortable around babies (he's like an old pro now, lol).....but trying to force something on him when he isn't ready is only going to put strain on your relationship, and that won't be good for any of you.

SmileyJay

Just what everyone else said - it is important to respect his feelings and not pressure/"nudge" him. He has the right to feel that he is not ready for a child, even if the woman he loves feels she is. You just need to talk to him and figure out his reasons for waiting, then tackle those together constructively.

"nudge him in the right direction" implies that your way is the only right way. That's just not true. Keep it in mind when we talk openly to him. 

Wine&Cupcakes

Just as there is no crying in baseball, there is no nudging in TTC.