Throwing Your Own Baby Shower

kittymeowbark

So what is the whole deal about not throwing your own baby shower? Is it a superstition or does it look tacky?

I am a mild control freak and decided I want to throw my own baby shower. I had family willing to do it for me, but I didn't want to put the financial burden on them, especially since my MIL recently got laid off.

I was speaking with my friend who was so baffled that I would throw my own baby shower. I just can't see what the big deal is.

Any opinions? Is anyone else throwing their own shower or am I the only weirdo?

Kinipela7

Tacky- sorry about it

bumpuser9343355

I think if you read the Baby Shower Dilemma thread a couple threads below this one, you will get your answer.

The short of it:  It is considered bad form to throw your own shower since you are basically asking people to come and bring you gifts.

crhein26

See the Baby Shower Dilemma post from today for all kinds of opinions on this.  Tacky - YES.  It makes you look gift grabby!  Yes this baby is yours, but you just don't throw a shower for yourself.  If I was your friend/family member and you threw your own shower, I wouldn't attend.  It screams I WANT GIFTS FROM YOU!

nunzchucks

Tacky McTackerson.

Throwing your own gift giving event is rude.

snowpants

It's tacky as hell.  No exceptions.

Luna C

It is tacky as FUCK to host a party for yourself where the sole purpose of the event is soliciting gifts. 

I cannot believe this needs to be explained to anyone. 

nicolewhelan

I would throw my own if it wasn't weird. I wouldn't say it's tacky, but by you throwing you're own, you're asking people to come and bring you a gift. But why should it matter though if your friend is throwing it, they're still asking you to bring a gift:) Unfortunately, it just looks a little odd to throw it yourself. I too am a control freak and have different taste than my friends and they just don't quite get my taste when it comes to this kind of stuff, plus I'm usually the party planner with my girlfriends, so leaving it up to them...without my input...scary!! 

I think the way you could get around it is by letting your MIL be the host but pitch in as much as you want (and as much as she'll let you without making her feel like you're in control). 

My sister was my maid of honor for my wedding and was in charge of my bachelorette party...she lacks any sense of party skills and I am OCD and obsessed...so I just told her everything I wanted and she did as I said and I had the best party ever! LOL!! So I was able to technically plan my own party...but put my sisters name on everything so she got the credit. 

Good luck! 

BrunoBabies

If you're that concerned about how things should go for your shower, then take the money you planned on spending and buy your own baby stuff. A shower is supposed to be a present to the mother to be.

Gigi8212

Luna C said:

It is tacky as FUCK to host a party for yourself where the sole purpose of the event is soliciting gifts. 

I cannot believe this needs to be explained to anyone. 

Agree 100%. I don't feel like a lengthy response considering the other thread sums it up nicely!

Susanbeth85

I good compromise would be to have someone else throw it for you and be the host, but you could pitch in behind the scenes if you feel the need.  My sister is throwing and paying for mine, but I have been helping plan it since I am also a control freak and want things a certain way.

FutureMrsW9

I don't think it's weird to have certain "wants" as far as decor, a cake, etc. - I mean Pinterest have freakin' turned us into these monsters!  But to actually throw a shower for yourself is indeed tacky.  As much as people don't want to admit it, the biggest part of a baby shower is the GIFT OPENING (puke - I hate being on display like that).  Yes, it's also to celebrate the the mama-to-be and baby, kinda sorta, but really....c'mon.  If you throw it for yourself it's gift grabby.

nunzchucks

nicolewhelan said:

My sister was my maid of honor for my wedding and was in charge of my bachelorette party...she lacks any sense of party skills and I am OCD and obsessed...so I just told her everything I wanted and she did as I said and I had the best party ever! LOL!! So I was able to technically plan my own party...but put my sisters name on everything so she got the credit. 

Good luck! 

If I offered to throw someone a party and they completely took control of it, I would be seriously reconsidering our friendship and/or cancel the party.

Luna C

joules235 said:

nicolewhelan said:

I would throw my own if it wasn't weird. I wouldn't say it's tacky, but by you throwing you're own, you're asking people to come and bring you a gift. But why should it matter though if your friend is throwing it, they're still asking you to bring a gift:) Unfortunately, it just looks a little odd to throw it yourself. I too am a control freak and have different taste than my friends and they just don't quite get my taste when it comes to this kind of stuff, plus I'm usually the party planner with my girlfriends, so leaving it up to them...without my input...scary!! 

I think the way you could get around it is by letting your MIL be the host but pitch in as much as you want (and as much as she'll let you without making her feel like you're in control). 

My sister was my maid of honor for my wedding and was in charge of my bachelorette party...she lacks any sense of party skills and I am OCD and obsessed...so I just told her everything I wanted and she did as I said and I had the best party ever! LOL!! So I was able to technically plan my own party...but put my sisters name on everything so she got the credit. 

Good luck! 

I suddenly feel very sorry for a bunch of bridesmaids I've never met... 

Pepper6

A shower is a GIFT to you.  It's beyond tacky to throw one for yourself and not only would I not attend, but I would always side-eye you for it.  Seriously, one of H's friends' wives tried to throw her own bridal shower because no one had offered and she had to have one...no one attended except her mom, sisters and one BM...and their ENTIRE group of friends still mocks her for it more than 4 years later.

Savvy122

Throwing yourself a party for the sole purpose of having others bring you gifts is a huge etiquette fail. 

Also, I don't get the whole "I'm a control freak" argument.  It's just a baby shower.  It's literally 2-3 hours out of your life.  Calm down.

Mztwilson

Tacky tacky tacky tacky!

katekat8721

Let go of the control issues mama.

ElTrain5

So the basics are the same...logically...realistically, people are being invited to a party....for you....where they are "expected" to buy you presents. 

Now, personally, I could personally care less who is paying for my finger foods while at said party. The whole point is to celebrate my friend and her baby and get her awesome baby stuffs.  That's how I personally feel, but obviously it is not even remotely in line with any kind of etiquette.  And peeps love their etiquette.  So no.  Don't do it. 

BUT if you do ...just send out an invitation like normal and don't tell anyone you are throwing it.   Seriously, it's not like most invitations say "hosted  by Mrs. so-and-so" or "Mrs. so-and-so requests the honor of your presence...", so most times people just assume the shower is being thrown by a friend of relative.  If you choose to throw your own, just don't let on that it's not being hosted by someone else.  I doubt many people would ask "So, who's paying for this shindig???"

Edit: Spelling

kittymeowbark

Ladies, I appreciate your opinions (some nicer than others)

Personally I did not view it as tacky and saw it more of a celebration where family and friends come out and drink and party.

We rented a huge hall and are doing this as a celebration of our family, but this definitely opened my eyes to the other viewpoint and see how it can be gift grabby. And yes, not everyone is automatically is accustomed tot his view point.

I will take the advice of passing the responsibility to my MIL and transfer my role to be the voice in the background instead of party planner.

Thanks for your opinions

jshrop

ElTrain5 said:

Now, personally, I could personally care less who is paying for my finger foods while at said party. The whole point is to celebrate my friend and her baby and get her awesome baby stuffs.  That's how I personally feel, but obviously it is not even remotely in line with any kind of etiquette.  And peeps love their etiquette.  So no.  Don't do it. 

Edit: Spelling

This! I seriously thought the same thing! I don't care who is paying for it the point of the shower is to celebrate mom and baby not about getting gifts!!! Maybe I'm totally weird.... But I totally agree with @ElTrain5.

Luna C

ElTrain5 said:

So the basics are the same...logically...realistically, people are being invited to a party....for you....where they are "expected" to buy you presents. 

You don't think there's a huge difference between:

1. "Everyone, my daughter is pregnant and to make this new start easier on her and her family I'm throwing her a shower and would be thrilled if you'd attend." and 

2. "Everyone, I'm knocked up and would rather not pay for all this baby shit myself, so if I'm going to have a bbq next Saturday. If you want ribs, bring a gift."

Because that is the real difference. 

To go back to the OP's very bad wedding analogy, lots of people host their own weddings -- but the vast majority of them know that's bad form to host their own bridal shower. There's a reason for that. 

ElTrain5

Here's my issues wit

Luna C said:

ElTrain5 said:

So the basics are the same...logically...realistically, people are being invited to a party....for you....where they are "expected" to buy you presents. 

You don't think there's a huge difference between:

1. "Everyone, my daughter is pregnant and to make this new start easier on her and her family I'm throwing her a shower and would be thrilled if you'd attend." and 

2. "Everyone, I'm knocked up and would rather not pay for all this baby shit myself, so if I'm going to have a bbq next Saturday. If you want ribs, bring a gift."

Because that is the real difference. 

To go back to the OP's very bad wedding analogy, lots of people host their own weddings -- but the vast majority of them know that's bad form to host their own bridal shower. There's a reason for that. 

So what if you don't have a mom to throw you a shower? What if no friends offered, maybe they've fallen on hard times.. Do you just not have a shower?

Edit to add: I get that there is definitely an ideal situation in which someone throws you a shower...but not everybody is lucky enough to have that.  If they do have a bunch of friends and family that want to buy them gifts, why should they miss out on the celebration? It would be terrible to have to say "Oh, I'm not having a shower, but I'm registered here, I guess just mail it to my house or make a special trip to give it to me" (obviously not in those words, and only if someone asked...but still....)

Savvy122

ElTrain5 said:

Here's my issues wit

Luna C said:

ElTrain5 said:

So the basics are the same...logically...realistically, people are being invited to a party....for you....where they are "expected" to buy you presents. 

You don't think there's a huge difference between:

1. "Everyone, my daughter is pregnant and to make this new start easier on her and her family I'm throwing her a shower and would be thrilled if you'd attend." and 

2. "Everyone, I'm knocked up and would rather not pay for all this baby shit myself, so if I'm going to have a bbq next Saturday. If you want ribs, bring a gift."

Because that is the real difference. 

To go back to the OP's very bad wedding analogy, lots of people host their own weddings -- but the vast majority of them know that's bad form to host their own bridal shower. There's a reason for that. 

So what if you don't have a mom to throw you a shower? What if no friends offered, maybe they've fallen on hard times.. Do you just not have a shower?

Edit to add: I get that there is definitely an ideal situation in which someone throws you a shower...but not everybody is lucky enough to have that.  If they do have a bunch of friends and family that want to buy them gifts, why should they miss out on the celebration? It would be terrible to have to say "Oh, I'm not having a shower, but I'm registered here, I guess just mail it to my house or make a special trip to give it to me" (obviously not in those words, and only if someone asked...but still....)

Then, yeah, you just don't have a shower.  Showers aren't a rite of passage and not everyone gets one... it's supposed to be a gift in itself, given to you by someone else.

If you have friends and family that are that eager to give you gifts, they'll give them regardless of whether or not you have a formal celebration.  Trust me.

ElTrain5

Aren't sip and see's subject to the "wow she probably wants me to bring a gift" side-eye thing to?

katekat8721

kittymeowbark said:

Ladies, I appreciate your opinions (some nicer than others)

Personally I did not view it as tacky and saw it more of a celebration where family and friends come out and drink and party.

We rented a huge hall and are doing this as a celebration of our family, but this definitely opened my eyes to the other viewpoint and see how it can be gift grabby. And yes, not everyone is automatically is accustomed tot his view point.

I will take the advice of passing the responsibility to my MIL and transfer my role to be the voice in the background instead of party planner.

Thanks for your opinions

That's a good idea My mom and her friend are "throwing" the shower, but realistically I will still be involved with the planning, invites, setup, etc. I can't imagine having them do everything when we're all busy full-time working ladies! Let them be in charge, but you can still be a part of it if that makes sense. 

kellyjayne

ElTrain5 said:

Here's my issues wit

Luna C said:

ElTrain5 said:

So the basics are the same...logically...realistically, people are being invited to a party....for you....where they are "expected" to buy you presents. 

You don't think there's a huge difference between:

1. "Everyone, my daughter is pregnant and to make this new start easier on her and her family I'm throwing her a shower and would be thrilled if you'd attend." and 

2. "Everyone, I'm knocked up and would rather not pay for all this baby shit myself, so if I'm going to have a bbq next Saturday. If you want ribs, bring a gift."

Because that is the real difference. 

To go back to the OP's very bad wedding analogy, lots of people host their own weddings -- but the vast majority of them know that's bad form to host their own bridal shower. There's a reason for that. 

So what if you don't have a mom to throw you a shower? What if no friends offered, maybe they've fallen on hard times.. Do you just not have a shower?

Edit to add: I get that there is definitely an ideal situation in which someone throws you a shower...but not everybody is lucky enough to have that.  If they do have a bunch of friends and family that want to buy them gifts, why should they miss out on the celebration? It would be terrible to have to say "Oh, I'm not having a shower, but I'm registered here, I guess just mail it to my house or make a special trip to give it to me" (obviously not in those words, and only if someone asked...but still....)

I understand what you're saying, but if they have a bunch of friends and family that want to buy them gifts, chances are at least one person will offer to host a shower. If no one offered to host a shower for me, I would never consider hosting it myself. Tacky, and at that rate, it's not likely that many people would attend.

Also, OP, I'm as big of a control freak as anyone, but you should never try to control kind gestures or gifts given by family and friends. Take what is offered, be grateful and appreciative, and move on, even if it isn't exactly what you would have done.

b48kate

Since this effects me not at all, I say do whatever you want.

But again, I really don't like ceremony or ritual very much. I am also bad at saying no so oddly enough, I am ending up with two showers and a (no joke) "new life" ceremony.

Not entirely sure what the latter entails, although it is my understanding that sage will be burned at some point and that the mother goddess will be evoked....

I have a diverse group of friends!

Luna C

Then, yeah, you just don't have a shower.  Showers aren't a rite of passage and not everyone gets one... it's supposed to be a gift in itself, given to you by someone else. If you have friends and family that are that eager to give you gifts, they'll give them regardless of whether or not you have a formal celebration.  Trust me.

This. I'm eloping. I'm sure I will not have a bridal shower. (I'm setting up a registry for the completion discount, but that info will be given out ONLY if specifically requested. I'm not letting anyone know we have one.) It's not the end of the world that I'm not having a bridal shower. 

My family is throwing a family-only baby shower for me. I probably will not have a shower with my friends, because they are geographically scattered and the ones who are local do not know each other for the most part. Probably some of them will buy gifts on their own. Some will not. The guys most definitely will not. That's fine. 

Would it be great if someone stepped up to throw me a bridal shower and my friends somehow organized a friends-only shower? Sure. But if they don't I'm not going to be upset about it. If having "only" one shower is the worst thing that happens to me this year, it will be a very good year indeed. 

justme04

Might as well get over your control freak ways now. Your baby will not poop, pee, sleep, eat, barf or get sick on your schedule. Hand over the reins and just relax.

Ps-it is incredibly tacky to throw your own baby shower or to even micromanage the planning of a shower. You are free to share your hopes of a baby shower but not to become an evil dictator over it.

k2k2tog

Most of the time, I would say meh. Whatever. Do what you want, screw the 'rules'. But honestly? I hate showers to begin with, and if I got an invitation from someone throwing their own shower? It would seem incredibly gift-grabby to me. 

On the other hand, if you really want to throw your own shower, call it a baby celebration party and let guests know you don't expect gifts. Those that want to bring one will. Those that don't, won't. But, then I also wouldn't suggest making gift opening part of the party's festivities. Provide lots of things for people to do. Or, wait until after the baby is born, and do a sip and see instead. 

LadyMacaron

Tacky, tacky, tacky.

You are an adult, who had a baby by choice, and you are the only person responsible for supplying all the baby crap that comes with a baby. It is not a right or milestone to have a shower, it is a nice "gift" from friends/family that may want to shower you with a party/presents to welcome you into motherhood. It is not something you have to have, just so you don't have to actually provide your own kid with clothes, gear, etc. You should always be prepared and expect that no one will throw you one. And if they do, BONUS! 

And if those wonderful people decide to ask for your input (for example, my mother wanted to know guest list, theme ideas, and food I'd prefer), then great! But this is not the event for you to be controlling over how people gift you a shower...I mean good grief. Does no one have common sense?

You want to plan a party? Great. Host a sip n' see after baby is here and go nuts with all your cute plans. But do not under any circumstance expect gifts for a party you are hosting. No, no, no, no.

KristaU831

but GUISE don't all babies deserve to be celebrated? shouldn't my friends WANT to bring me presents because I am having a BABY? No one has offered to throw me a shower so I'm just going to do it myself and I would totes mcgotes die if someone used lime green instead of sage green like i asked. the colors of my shower are LITERALLY the most important thing EVER. OH and I'm going to request everyone bring a pack of diapers and a book, what's a cute poem I can include in my invites so people know to do that. Also i specifically only want pampers swaddlers sensitive and board books. 

But really OP don't do it. totally against etiquette. I'd side eye someone who threw their own shower and probably skip that hot mess. 

Beeank

Meh. I don't see the big deal.

hubbs173

I agree with PP that throwing your own shower is very tacky!!!

colllydon

Fail

colllydon

There we go. This is now my go to repeat picture.

JNYLP

I would accept your family who wants to throw it, and just say you have a lot of ideas that you'd love to share. My cousins threw mine with DD and they asked me for my opinion a ton! It turned out awesome!!! (But I'm not really a party planner and they are...) but still, a shower is a gift from family and friends, I was so grateful for everything! Try to look at it all as a gift!

diagonalley

I have to be honest, I'm not sure how anyone would think this would be ok.  Not trying to be rude, but maybe it's just because you're younger and maybe haven't been to many showers yet in your life?  If you want to throw a party for people to hang out and drink that is totally fine.  Expecting people to bring you presents and labeling it as a shower is super tacky.

chickpea912

I'm coming at this from a very different point of view - we take the traditional Jewish point of view, where we don't buy much before baby is here and we certainly don't have a shower - this is more from the superstitious side of things, but I also tend to find most of Jewish ritual and superstition to be pretty sane and helpful.  With DD, we had no shower.  In fact, before she was born, we only had a crib, a pack and play, a carseat, and a few onesies.  That's it.  

The weekend of her baby naming, we did have a welcome baby party.  I'm sure a few people brought gifts - frankly, I don't remember, but I find in general, people bring something when they are visiting a couple with a new baby.  The welcome baby party was about a month after she was born - we had friends visit before that who brought gifts.  

Is a sip and see or a welcome baby party potentially gift grabby?  I guess, at least in those cases, the POINT of the party is to meet the baby.  A baby shower - from the very name - is intended to shower the new mother with love and gifts.  To throw your own is gift grabby.  I don't care your rationale for why you THINK you need to throw it yourself, it is tacky.  As with many things in parenting, you're going to have to get over any controlling instincts you have.