Recommendations re: how to communicate with school

eltar08

DH has joint custody of SS6 with BM and CO specifies that they have 50/50 in terms of education.  However, DH is never informed of anything, unless BM texts him occasional vague updates.  We recognize that keeping both parties involved could potentially double the workload (not sure how cc'ing us on emails would result in that, but trying to be sensitive to the teacher), but any recommendations on how to make this situation better?  I think BM is reaching out to SS's first grade teacher on a regular basis and partly does it so she is in control and chooses which information to feed to DH, which is the exact opposite of how we manage information - we try to share everything up front.  Lately, SS is apparently being bullied and BM has gotten the principal involved and demanding that SS and the bully be separated into different classes next year.  Any advice is appreciated - hoping there is a better approach rather than just accepting how she is.  TIA!

eltar08

@MiracleBBye, that is good to know.  We have already requested that we be included in all correspondence and it would appear that we are being left off - honestly, who knows.  Even test scores, BM has summarized them to us and that isn't my idea of sharing in this information from the source.  Has this resolved the issue, or do you have to set the precedent every school year?  Thank you!

dmndsr4eva

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

eltar08

@dmndsr4eva, we have stated to BM in multiple forms of communication including numerous emails that we would like to be involved directly whenever there is an issue with SS so that a joint decision can be made around the best course of action, as the CO states.  BM has a history of running off and doing her own research, taking her own actions and then "notifying us" of what she has done - which we don't necessarily agree with.  BM doesn't want us to have a say in anything because in the few instances where we were involved and had a differing opinion in terms of what was best for SS; she made her own decision anyway.  We can keep asking but it has been years that she has been continuing on in this way.  And interesting you brought up the gifts - SS actually made double gifts for both parents for Christmas and his teacher had stated on her own when school started without us even asking that she would be sending home two sets of everything during the year.  It seems selective in terms of what is jointly shared and what is not.

ambrvan

This isn't about crafts. This is about pertinent information. The school IS responsible for following the law, which states that ask parents have access to all information regarding the child unless prevented by CO.

Some parents simply are non- compliant with sharing information. The other parent should not be forced to settle for being uninformed, therefore unable to effectively parent in regards to the child's life in and out of their care, because the other party refuses to cooperate.

You can't choose how the other parent acts, but you can control how you handle the situation. And when cooperative means fail, taking matters into your own hands to deal with a situation is not rocking the boat.

dmndsr4eva

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

In a perfect situation this would be awesome but like a PP said, you cant make the other parent be compliant or cooperative. We have ventured every avenue with BM and she refuses to communicate and follow the court order, we had no other choice but to involve the school.

If the parent does not follow the CO then it mean you need to go back to court.  I am certainly not a teacher but if I was I would not be doubling my work for every set of divorced parents who cannot get along.

fellesferie

I think your issue is with the school and not with BM. If you want test scores or if you want to be directly informed, then I think your best bet is to deal with the school. If the teacher does not comply, then go to the vice principal, then the principal. And keep going up the chain if you need to. 

I don't think it makes sense to complain to BM about getting info secondhand and expect her to fix it. 

I'm the CP, and my XH is pretty uninvolved. I periodically give him info, but he rarely responds/acknowledges. So I am just guessing what he might want to know. He has not seen a report card since DS was in K, and he has never asked. He has never been to the doctor with DS, and I used to send him updates after appts, but do not anymore. 

So my advice would be for you to go directly to the source whenever possible. Don't expect or ask her to report back. If it is impossible to get the information directly, then ask specifically and politely for exactly what you want. 

cole2144

We have been in your shoes and DH contacted the teacher and principal. They have really tried to make sure everything is shared, when they slack off, DH follows up with emails. He would not be afraid to go as far up the chain as necessary to get the school to follow the law.

dmndsr4eva

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

In a perfect situation this would be awesome but like a PP said, you cant make the other parent be compliant or cooperative. We have ventured every avenue with BM and she refuses to communicate and follow the court order, we had no other choice but to involve the school.

If the parent does not follow the CO then it mean you need to go back to court.  I am certainly not a teacher but if I was I would not be doubling my work for every set of divorced parents who cannot get along.

Thats why there are laws in place that the school has to comply with regardless of a teachers feelings or wants.

There is a law in place indicating that the school needs to inform two different guardians every time information is decimenated?  Do tell me more.

dmndsr4eva

My ex never signed it but the initial proposed standard CO had a section regarding non-custodial parent being provided with copies of certain documents such as report cards.

Ilumine

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

In a perfect situation this would be awesome but like a PP said, you cant make the other parent be compliant or cooperative. We have ventured every avenue with BM and she refuses to communicate and follow the court order, we had no other choice but to involve the school.

If the parent does not follow the CO then it mean you need to go back to court.  I am certainly not a teacher but if I was I would not be doubling my work for every set of divorced parents who cannot get along.

Thats why there are laws in place that the school has to comply with regardless of a teachers feelings or wants.

There is a law in place indicating that the school needs to inform two different guardians every time information is decimenated?  Do tell me more.

Sucks when you are not 100% correct.

 

https://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/parents.html

FERPA gives custodial and noncustodial parents alike certain rights with respect to their children's education records, unless a school is provided with evidence that there is a court order or State law that specifically provides to the contrary. Otherwise, both custodial and noncustodial parents have the right to access their children's education records, the right to seek to have the records amended, the right to consent to disclosure of personally identifiable information from the records (except in certain circumstances specified in the FERPA regulations, some of which are discussed below), and the right to file a complaint with the Department.

Under FERPA, a school must provide a parent with an opportunity to inspect and review his or her child's education records within 45 days following its receipt of a request. A school is required to provide a parent with copies of education records, or make other arrangements, if a failure to do so would effectively prevent the parent from obtaining access to the records. A case in point would be a situation in which the parent does not live within commuting distance of the school.

A school is not generally required by FERPA to provide a parent with access to school calendars or general notices such as announcements of parent-teacher meetings or extra-curricular activities. That type of information is not generally directly related to an individual student and, therefore, does not meet the definition of an education record.

Under FERPA, a school is not required to provide information that is not maintained or to create education records in response to a parent's request. Accordingly, a school is not required to provide a parent with updates on his or her child's progress in school unless such information already exists in the form of an education record.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So in the case of the OP, who has a court order, the School IS required to provide the father any information he requests.  

And really, how much harder is it to mail out 1 more piece of information to 1 more parent? Especially if said mailer is generated by a mail merge?  Or reprint the information for a 2nd parent, just like a teacher would do if the Intact Parent called (and they do) because little Johhny lost said paperwork in his book bag (which happens at least once a week). 

cole2144

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

In a perfect situation this would be awesome but like a PP said, you cant make the other parent be compliant or cooperative. We have ventured every avenue with BM and she refuses to communicate and follow the court order, we had no other choice but to involve the school.

If the parent does not follow the CO then it mean you need to go back to court.  I am certainly not a teacher but if I was I would not be doubling my work for every set of divorced parents who cannot get along.

Thats why there are laws in place that the school has to comply with regardless of a teachers feelings or wants.

There is a law in place indicating that the school needs to inform two different guardians every time information is decimenated?  Do tell me more.

Ilumine said:

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

In a perfect situation this would be awesome but like a PP said, you cant make the other parent be compliant or cooperative. We have ventured every avenue with BM and she refuses to communicate and follow the court order, we had no other choice but to involve the school.

If the parent does not follow the CO then it mean you need to go back to court.  I am certainly not a teacher but if I was I would not be doubling my work for every set of divorced parents who cannot get along.

Thats why there are laws in place that the school has to comply with regardless of a teachers feelings or wants.

There is a law in place indicating that the school needs to inform two different guardians every time information is decimenated?  Do tell me more.

Sucks when you are not 100% correct.

 

https://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/parents.html

FERPA gives custodial and noncustodial parents alike certain rights with respect to their children's education records, unless a school is provided with evidence that there is a court order or State law that specifically provides to the contrary. Otherwise, both custodial and noncustodial parents have the right to access their children's education records, the right to seek to have the records amended, the right to consent to disclosure of personally identifiable information from the records (except in certain circumstances specified in the FERPA regulations, some of which are discussed below), and the right to file a complaint with the Department.

Under FERPA, a school must provide a parent with an opportunity to inspect and review his or her child's education records within 45 days following its receipt of a request. A school is required to provide a parent with copies of education records, or make other arrangements, if a failure to do so would effectively prevent the parent from obtaining access to the records. A case in point would be a situation in which the parent does not live within commuting distance of the school.

A school is not generally required by FERPA to provide a parent with access to school calendars or general notices such as announcements of parent-teacher meetings or extra-curricular activities. That type of information is not generally directly related to an individual student and, therefore, does not meet the definition of an education record.

Under FERPA, a school is not required to provide information that is not maintained or to create education records in response to a parent's request. Accordingly, a school is not required to provide a parent with updates on his or her child's progress in school unless such information already exists in the form of an education record.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So in the case of the OP, who has a court order, the School IS required to provide the father any information he requests.  

And really, how much harder is it to mail out 1 more piece of information to 1 more parent? Especially if said mailer is generated by a mail merge?  Or reprint the information for a 2nd parent, just like a teacher would do if the Intact Parent called (and they do) because little Johhny lost said paperwork in his book bag (which happens at least once a week). 

I agree, it is not hard to print an extra paper. When info comes to our house, we print an extra for BM so the teacher does not have to, but BM does not so we go through school. It is better that way.

eltar08

@cole2144 We do the same - we frequently need to follow up with BM to get SS's homework assignments but always provide them to her immediately upon receipt.  It's just frustrating that she doesn't want to bother exercising the same level of consideration.

cole2144

eltar08 said:

@cole2144 We do the same - we frequently need to follow up with BM to get SS's homework assignments but always provide them to her immediately upon receipt.  It's just frustrating that she doesn't want to bother exercising the same level of consideration.

I totally understand the frustration. Lucky for us that SD`s teacher has a website and sends home a weekly newsletter with homework on the back. Check the site teacherweb.com and search for your SS`s teacher, they may be on there.

eltar08

Question on FERPA. When I read it, it sounds like the school has to provide access to school records/report cards etc, but is that the same as proactively furnishing these items to us? For instance, we never knew SS had test results for a program he's in till BM mentioned it in passing. We don't know what we don't know, so while I don't mind being involved and reaching out, is there any requirement on the part of the school to furnish such information equally?

dmndsr4eva

The way that I would interpret that law is that if a parent requests copies of school records such as report cards they will be furnished.  I do not read that law as stating that the school has to go above and beyond to make sure both parents have all of the day to day information which seemed to be more of the OP's question.

Ilumine

dmndsr4eva said:

The way that I would interpret that law is that if a parent requests copies of school records such as report cards they will be furnished.  I do not read that law as stating that the school has to go above and beyond to make sure both parents have all of the day to day information which seemed to be more of the OP's question.

What do you think culminates in that one stinking report card?  Do you honestly believe that all of the child's paperwork that generates that overall report card has no influence in the report cards?  

When you went to your child's parent/teacher conference and went over the child's paperwork i.e. the assessment form, did you honestly think that THAT was shredded after you left the room?

And how did that assessment form get filled out?  Isn't it a culmination of...oh I don't know bits of information, that need to be kept around incase of differences of opinions? 

All of that is in your child's official and legal (i.e. needs to be kept around for the Federal Governments review/standards - thank you very much Common Core) record.  And therefore open to the Federal Law regarding providing equal access to both parents.

I really do not understand why you are so against the other LEGAL Parent having equal access to this information.  Except/unless you really do not believe that anyone but the mother gets to have control of her child(ten).  And that goes back to YOUR issues with men and you.  

And really, if you truly believe that only ONE parent needs to get the information, then why is it the MOTHER or even the Custodial Parent that gets the information.  If you believe that it is up to the ONE parent to then freely give the information to the other parent, they why not let the FATHER be the one to get the information.  All he needs to do is let the mother know...

Oh wait..that could lead to some mistakes or misunderstandings.  Something could get forgotten or lost or even purposefully left out.  RIGHT (dripping with sarcasm).  

You are a hypocrite.  

CFjo2010

dmndsr4eva said:

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

Are you freaking KIDDING me?  A decorated plate and school correspondence are totally different things.  Federal law mandates that custodial and noncustodial parents be provided with documentation and correspondence from schools.  Why is that so hard for you to comprehend @dmndsr4eva?  And really, I'm not at all surprised by your view on this cause I can totally picture you being the BSC BM that makes sure BD doesn't get any of DS' school info.  

Hell, DC lives across the Country and I still make sure I list all of his contact info on the kids' school enrollment stuff and make sure they send him copies of report cards and stuff.  You know, because even though he's a shitty excuse for a father it's still the LAW that he get that stuff and he is still their father.

dmndsr4eva said:

MiracleBByE said:

dmndsr4eva said:

I think that having communication with BM and BD is going to be the best way to resolve this.  The school really shouldn't have the burden of doubling up on everything.  For example, my son made a painted decorated plate for school for his parents.  It wasn't up to the school to have him make two or determine which 50/50 parent gets the plate.  At some point the parents of the child need to step up and take responsibilty.

In a perfect situation this would be awesome but like a PP said, you cant make the other parent be compliant or cooperative. We have ventured every avenue with BM and she refuses to communicate and follow the court order, we had no other choice but to involve the school.

If the parent does not follow the CO then it mean you need to go back to court.  I am certainly not a teacher but if I was I would not be doubling my work for every set of divorced parents who cannot get along.

And then your ass would be unemployed.  If you don't follow the laws, you lose your job.  Jesus you're dense.