This should be an interesting Sunday morning conversation.. - Page 2 — The Bump
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This should be an interesting Sunday morning conversation..

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Re: This should be an interesting Sunday morning conversation..

  • Like others have said, there is no way to know how I would feel unless it happened.  However, if I had to say now what I would do, I just don't see our marriage lasting.  I could forgive, but my trust would be broken. 

     I could see us trying to work it out, but I think ultimately I would be miserable.  Every time we had sex, I know I would be wondering what kind of diseases he could possibly be exposing me to at that moment.  I just..I just don't think I could live the rest of my life like that.  
  • I agree with your line of thinking.  I have never cheated and don't see cheating as something I would ever do.  I also don't think that my husband has ever cheated.  We have been married 10 years and we have built a life together.  If DH had a one night stand, I think that I would forgive him.  It would take some work (and probably some counseling), but I think that we could get through it. If, however, he developed a relationship with someone, it would be a lot more challenging.  Having a child really changes things though.  I would not want to lose time with my son because of having to share custody.  
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  • joirish said:
    Mrs.Hizzo said:
    I don't think I'd be willing to break up our family and rock my kids' worlds for a one-night stand. There's no way I'd put up with habitual infidelity, but I didn't marry that kind of a man.
    I feel that it's the cheater who breaks the marriage and rocks the worlds in this situation. It's the spouse who gets to decide to be a doormat or not. There's is no way I could get past it. Thankfully all hypothetical here too. Ick. 


    I think it's pretty harsh to call someone who forgives a cheating spouse, even once, a doormat. That seems like victim blaming to me.
    Hmmm, I think of it differently. I think that the idea that the non-cheating spouse "breaks up" the family by leaving is much more victim blaming than the term doormat. If someone keeps a cheater around and brushes everything under the rug, they are a doormat in my eyes. If both parties do work and keep the relationship together, I don't think that's doormat behavior. I was just using a strong term. 
    I'm not blaming the victim, not at all. But if my husband came to me and told me he got drunk at a conference fessed up to a one nighter, and was genuinely remorseful and wanted to go to counseling and work things out, I'd at least give it a shot. Some women would clearly just throw him out and wash their hands of the marriage, and that's fine. But if I made that decision, it wouldn't just affect me, if would hurt my kids in a big way. And if he desperately wanted to save the marriage and was willing to do some hard work, I do feel like it would be my choice to break up the family by not at least giving things an honest chance. That's just my take on it.

    [Deleted User]rosesandpetals
  • This is a "never say never" issue for me.  I have a friend I respect a lot.  She has an awesome relationship with her husband.  She recently admitted that she was very close to cheating. She didn't, but was scared by how close she came. If it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone. Relationships hit rocky patches, unseen circumstances arise, new and old people come into our lives, etc.  You just never know.

    I do not think cheating is a deal breaker for me. I have two children I need to consider.  I think there are several things that would need to happen before divorce, and extensive counseling would be one of them.  

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  • I would leave BECAUSE OF my kids. I think the "for the kids" is a BS excuse for staying in an unhappy marriage.
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    Andrewsgalnotkateanymore[Deleted User]
  • CnAmom said:

    I would leave BECAUSE OF my kids. I think the "for the kids" is a BS excuse for staying in an unhappy marriage.

    Agreed. It really is circumstational. There are times where it's 100% best to leave, and there are times that it could possibly work for people. It's not a black or white issue.

    raraavis28
  • No, it is not beneficial to the children to stay in an unhappy marriage. I have said that on here before.
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  • joirish said:


    Mrs.Hizzo said:

    I don't think I'd be willing to break up our family and rock my kids' worlds for a one-night stand. There's no way I'd put up with habitual infidelity, but I didn't marry that kind of a man.

    I feel that it's the cheater who breaks the marriage and rocks the worlds in this situation. It's the spouse who gets to decide to be a doormat or not. There's is no way I could get past it. Thankfully all hypothetical here too. Ick. 


    I think it's pretty harsh to call someone who forgives a cheating spouse, even once, a doormat. That seems like victim blaming to me.

    Hmmm, I think of it differently. I think that the idea that the non-cheating spouse "breaks up" the family by leaving is much more victim blaming than the term doormat. If someone keeps a cheater around and brushes everything under the rug, they are a doormat in my eyes. If both parties do work and keep the relationship together, I don't think that's doormat behavior. I was just using a strong term. 

    Okay. I'll agree with those sentiments.
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  • rockyrollgirlrockyrollgirl
    5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    edited January 2014
    FWIW. I have left relationships before, but it was always more then just the cheating that did it. 
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  • KateMW said:
    Btw, I see this mentioned a lot when this conversation comes up...those of us who say its a deal breaker also have kids to consider, so it's pretty insulting to see it mentioned over and over as the reason you wouldn't leave...as if the ones of us who would leave aren't considering out children.
    Oh, FFS, that is totally not what I'm saying. Me asserting that I wouldn't automatically leave because of my kids =/= me saying you don't care about your kids because you would. (General "you" here.) What I said was that depending on the circumstances, I think that I could get past it and continue with my marriage and be happy. It would take a lot of work, but I think I could do it. BUT my main motivation for even starting down that road would be my kids. If someone else knows right now that they couldn't get past it, then sure, leaving immediately makes sense, because why bother?

    And I'm talking about this in the context of my own marriage, not anyone else's.

    dmartin726jensriot
  • Chapter79 said:
    I truly think this is a situation in which 98% of people can't actually say or know what they will do unless it happens to them.  You can say "it's a deal breaker, hands down" until you're blue in the face... and then it happens, and you really might change your mind. That was me. I have always said it was a deal breaker. 300%. Hands down. I was positive. Then it happened in my marriage.  And we're celebrating 10 years this summer, and our marriage is the strongest it has EVER been. You can work through it, IF you BOTH want to and have that desire. If you don't, it won't work.  

    So no, it's not a deal breaker for me.  And I'm glad I changed my mind and opened my eyes to the other side, or I wouldn't be married now.  And I honestly have a fantastic marriage now.
    This made me think of a friend I have who is going through a really rough time right  now.  Her DH works away, has a girlfriend, and is still in the relationship with both.  Actually, they are still technically married, but they don't have any type of relationship right now, he is definitely favouring the girlfriend, you might say.  But - (his wife) has decided to wait it out in hopes that he will come back.  While I don't agree with her decision, I have told her time and time again, that I couldn't say what I would do unless it happened to me.  All I can do is support her.  I really do hope it works out for her, and she has a happy ending like you!
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  • I'm in the can't say until it happened to me. I'm pretty sure I would leave. Cheating would make me paranoid, suspicious. I don't want to be the wife checking your phone, drilling you about your day. That's just not a woman I want to be.
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  • spring_timespring_time
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    edited January 2014
    KateMW said:
    Btw, I see this mentioned a lot when this conversation comes up...those of us who say its a deal breaker also have kids to consider, so it's pretty insulting to see it mentioned over and over as the reason you wouldn't leave...as if the ones of us who would leave aren't considering out children.
    I am one of the people who said for the kids.  I don't think you (general) are considering the children if you set it as an automatic deal-breaker with no chance of working it out, trying counseling, or working on finding happiness.  If you try those things, and it doesn't work out, I am all for leaving an unhappy marriage.  However, when children are involved, I don't think there are any absolutes and children deserve parents who at least try to work on their marriage.   
    Yes thank you. I think more often than not this is an excuse for I am too weak to leave. Hell leaving my husband after 7 years staying home would be the hardest thing in the world, but I would never sit back and pretend it was never needed or justified. Oh and if my marriage broke up because of my husbands affair you can bet you ass it is his fault. He is the one who couldn't keep it in his pants.
    I think it is pretty crappy to call anybody weak in that situation.  I would never call anybody weak for leaving the marriage.  I have a friend who is a SAHM and is getting divorced.  It is one of the hardest decisions she has had to make.  However, they worked at it, and he is not willing to change. I am proud of her for being strong and getting out of a bad marriage.

    Conversely, I would never call somebody weak for staying in the marriage.  If both parties are willing to work on change, then I think it is worth a try.  In my mind, children just make the case stronger for working at it.

    EDIT: I also agree with the poster that said cheating is a symptom of other problems in the marriage.  Again, I think some effort at repair is worthwhile.

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  •  Mrs.Hizzo said:

    KateMW said:
    Btw, I see this mentioned a lot when this conversation comes up...those of us who say its a deal breaker also have kids to consider, so it's pretty insulting to see it mentioned over and over as the reason you wouldn't leave...as if the ones of us who would leave aren't considering out children.
    Oh, FFS, that is totally not what I'm saying. Me asserting that I wouldn't automatically leave because of my kids =/= me saying you don't care about your kids because you would. (General "you" here.) What I said was that depending on the circumstances, I think that I could get past it and continue with my marriage and be happy. It would take a lot of work, but I think I could do it. BUT my main motivation for even starting down that road would be my kids. If someone else knows right now that they couldn't get past it, then sure, leaving immediately makes sense, because why bother?

    And I'm talking about this in the context of my own marriage, not anyone else's.
    I wasn't specifically referring to your comments, it was just a thought about all the comments I see.

    Honestly, I've known a lot of people to cheat on their spouses {mostly men on women} and the one night stand has never ended up just being a one time thing. 
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  • Chapter79 said:
    I truly think this is a situation in which 98% of people can't actually say or know what they will do unless it happens to them.  You can say "it's a deal breaker, hands down" until you're blue in the face... and then it happens, and you really might change your mind. That was me. I have always said it was a deal breaker. 300%. Hands down. I was positive. Then it happened in my marriage.  And we're celebrating 10 years this summer, and our marriage is the strongest it has EVER been. You can work through it, IF you BOTH want to and have that desire. If you don't, it won't work.  

    So no, it's not a deal breaker for me.  And I'm glad I changed my mind and opened my eyes to the other side, or I wouldn't be married now.  And I honestly have a fantastic marriage now.
    This made me think of a friend I have who is going through a really rough time right  now.  Her DH works away, has a girlfriend, and is still in the relationship with both.  Actually, they are still technically married, but they don't have any type of relationship right now, he is definitely favouring the girlfriend, you might say.  But - (his wife) has decided to wait it out in hopes that he will come back.  While I don't agree with her decision, I have told her time and time again, that I couldn't say what I would do unless it happened to me.  All I can do is support her.  I really do hope it works out for her, and she has a happy ending like you!
    And see...I could not just sit by and watch something like that happen to a friend. How stupid do you have to be to think that is going to work out? WTF?
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  • amy052006 said:
    Deal breaker. 100%. Context doesn't matter. And if they do it once they will do it again. I'm shocked at how many would stay.
    See, I am shocked so many people don't think their marriages are worth fighting for. I know my husband and my marriage -- it's worth some counseling. If it wasn't I wouldn't have married him in the first place.
    If he cheated, I already lost. It would be a complete betrayal of everything my marriage and relationship with my best friend stood for. Again, I don't think we wouldn't have problems, but cheating would be the end of it, not the beginning on fixing my marriage.
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  • KateMW said:


    amy052006 said:

    gwapes said:

    Deal breaker. 100%. Context doesn't matter. And if they do it once they will do it again. I'm shocked at how many would stay.

    See, I am shocked so many people don't think their marriages are worth fighting for.

    I know my husband and my marriage -- it's worth some counseling. If it wasn't I wouldn't have married him in the first place.

    If he cheated, I already lost. It would be a complete betrayal of everything my marriage and relationship with my best friend stood for. Again, I don't think we wouldn't have problems, but cheating would be the end of it, not the beginning on fixing my marriage.

    Yup. the big thing for me is yes i married this wonderful person but if he had it in him to stick his penis in someone else which i feel is the ultimate act of disrespect and betrayal...that person is gone. i get that maybe a lot of counseling could bring back that fiercely loyal man committed to his marriage but id likely live in misery and fear waiting for that to happen when the reality is the odds aren't so great it would only happen once.
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  • I was thinking about is last night and I truly don't know anyone that has cheated just once, I do think most men if they cheat will cheat again.
    Mom to Emma 9/4/06 and Jackson 11/24/08 M/C Dec 11 and M/C twins feb 2012. BFP Thanksgiving! EDD Aug 4, 2013 M/C at 5 weeks.
  • KateMW said:
    As the mother of a pre-teen daughter, one thing that sticks out in my mind is the lack of respect that cheating is and that there is no way I would ever want her growing up thinking it was OK to be treated like that by your partner.
    Likewise, having two sons....I wouldn't want them growing up thinking that was an acceptable way for men to act.

    This is a sad conversation....very interesting to hear all the viewpoints, but sad. :(
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  • I was thinking about is last night and I truly don't know anyone that has cheated just once, I do think most men if they cheat will cheat again.
    But those men don't care about their marriage then.  In that case, I support divorce 400%. It isn't worth it.
    Some men honestly make a true mistake, feel bad for what they did, and what to work through the root of the problem and it's a one time deal.  Just because you don't know a man who has done it just once, doesn't mean they aren't out there.
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    lexusolsen
  • I just don't see sticking your dick in somebody beside your wife as a mistake...it takes a lot of work. You don't just slip and fall into another vagina.
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  • I just don't see sticking your dick in somebody beside your wife as a mistake...it takes a lot of work. You don't just slip and fall into another vagina.
    Yes! And you could bet your ass if he did cheat I would never be justifying it or saying it made our marriage better. If he respects me and our marriage he will work on things with me way before he choose to screw someone else.
    Mom to Emma 9/4/06 and Jackson 11/24/08 M/C Dec 11 and M/C twins feb 2012. BFP Thanksgiving! EDD Aug 4, 2013 M/C at 5 weeks.
  • CnAmom said:
    And my friend whose husband cheated and got the girl pregnant? His excuse was that he was drunk and didn't realize what he was doing. If you're getting so drunk that you "accidentally" sleep with someone other than your wife/husband/significant other, your problems are much bigger than cheating. Or you're a lying liar who lies.

    I have heard this excuse a lot. It is totall bullshit to me.
    Mom to Emma 9/4/06 and Jackson 11/24/08 M/C Dec 11 and M/C twins feb 2012. BFP Thanksgiving! EDD Aug 4, 2013 M/C at 5 weeks.
  • KateMW said:
    I just don't see sticking your dick in somebody beside your wife as a mistake...it takes a lot of work. You don't just slip and fall into another vagina.
    OMG I just cracked up.  Literally.  That would have to be a big vagina.  
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  • I just don't see sticking your dick in somebody beside your wife as a mistake...it takes a lot of work. You don't just slip and fall into another vagina.
    Yes! And you could bet your ass if he did cheat I would never be justifying it or saying it made our marriage better. If he respects me and our marriage he will work on things with me way before he choose to screw someone else.
    I never JUSTIFIED cheating, so please don't put words in my mouth. 
    I said our marriage was better after the fact.  After finding the root of the problem. And fixing things. 
    But this is clearly one of those topics that two sides will never agree on, so it's a moot point to hash on it.
    My marriage is my own, yours is yours.  Life and shit isn't always black and white, that's all.  I made the choices I make, you make yours... mine aren't your concern, yours aren't mine.  You run your life and marriage how you choose :)  And I'll be happy mine was saved. Nothing wrong with that.

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    dmartin726kcisthebombdotcom[Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • I just don't see sticking your dick in somebody beside your wife as a mistake...it takes a lot of work. You don't just slip and fall into another vagina.
    Yes! And you could bet your ass if he did cheat I would never be justifying it or saying it made our marriage better. If he respects me and our marriage he will work on things with me way before he choose to screw someone else.
    I never JUSTIFIED cheating, so please don't put words in my mouth. 
    I said our marriage was better after the fact.  After finding the root of the problem. And fixing things. 
    But this is clearly one of those topics that two sides will never agree on, so it's a moot point to hash on it.
    My marriage is my own, yours is yours.  Life and shit isn't always black and white, that's all.  I made the choices I make, you make yours... mine aren't your concern, yours aren't mine.  You run your life and marriage how you choose :)  And I'll be happy mine was saved. Nothing wrong with that.

    I really wasn't talking about you I hear this all the time when a spouse cheats and the marriage stays together. Get if you saved your marriage. Good for you. Like I said I don't know why I would do in the situation but part of me would be livid that he choose not to come to me before he choose to look outside our marriage if it was that bad. I
    Mom to Emma 9/4/06 and Jackson 11/24/08 M/C Dec 11 and M/C twins feb 2012. BFP Thanksgiving! EDD Aug 4, 2013 M/C at 5 weeks.
  • @chapter79 - You put yourself out there, so I would like to ask....how'd it happen and how'd you guys remedy the situation?  Do you trust him completely now?  How long did it take you to get to that point? 
    I'm not answering all of this on a public forum, but we remedied by some counseling and lots of time.  I trust him completely now, but it took maybe 1 year? I did a lot of "watching" in the beginning.. facebook, texts, phone bills.  I have passwords and stuff and I can do that even now, but I haven't in over 5 years.  This didn't happen recently.  I don't feel the need to spy or watch, because the trust has been restored.  But it took time, absolutely- and work on both ends.   I gave him a full pass to leave if he wanted, after it happened.. if he didn't want to work on it, I told him he was more than free to walk out the door.  I'm NOT opposed to divorce.  But when he wanted to work on it, I agreed to that.. and so we did.    Honestly, I rarely think of it.  It didn't tarnish my marriage, it didn't ruin me.  The first year? Yes, it did.  Now?  It's a distant memory that has been replaced by a MUCH happier time and place :)
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    ASullivan1231[Deleted User]
  • Not a deal breaker for me but it would depend on the circumstance I guess.  It would take a long time to build the trust up again.  I am committed enough to my marriage and know the depth of it now, as it is, would be worth trying to save. 
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  • might I add, while this is on my mind..
    The type of cheating does and would matter to me.
    An emotional affair that is also sexual, and is going on for years?  That's not my thing. I might walk out on that, myself.   Cheating isn't always black and white, either.  There are one night things with no emotions, there are emotions and sex, there are men who do this for years and years.  I would imagine something like that is a LOT harder to get over.  That isn't what my H did.

    I don't imagine it would be easy to work on a marriage when the dude has been emotionally and sexually seeing a chic on the side for 2 years or something.  That means he doesn't want to work on it.  When it's a one time thing, and there aren't emotions.. personally speaking, it's more worth working for.  (in MY marriage).
    E+C
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  • gwapes said:
     
    Chapter79 said:
    might I add, while this is on my mind..
    The type of cheating does and would matter to me.
    An emotional affair that is also sexual, and is going on for years?  That's not my thing. I might walk out on that, myself.   Cheating isn't always black and white, either.  There are one night things with no emotions, there are emotions and sex, there are men who do this for years and years.  I would imagine something like that is a LOT harder to get over.  That isn't what my H did.

    I don't imagine it would be easy to work on a marriage when the dude has been emotionally and sexually seeing a chic on the side for 2 years or something.  That means he doesn't want to work on it.  When it's a one time thing, and there aren't emotions.. personally speaking, it's more worth working for.  (in MY marriage).
    That you know of. 
    Just like you don't know if yours has or hasn't.  Seriously?
    Aint no one gonna knock me down :)  Like I said, it's been worked through. You don't have to believe that, nor does anyone here.  Not anyones business but mine and my husbands. 
    And on that note, I'm kinda done with it now :)
    E+C
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    kcisthebombdotcom[Deleted User]
  • @gwapes I know you are not mean, so that caught me a bit off-guard.
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  • I am really surprised that it is an automatic deal breaker for so many. Like if Dh came to me in the morning when he got home from a trip and said, we just had an argument, I was furious, I had too much to drink, there was some girl, it was so stupid, I hate myself for it, please let's talk. I can't really imagine not trying to talk about it or work on it at least a few times in therapy. I think you know in one or two.sessions if he is truly sorry. And imo, fessing up immediately is way different than getting caught later. But whatever, I would leave for things that I'm sure some here would try to work on.
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  • Kimbus22 said:
    gwapes said:
    @Gwapes I love you and think you are awesome, but stop. Chapter dosn't need to explain her decision and this is getting pretty mean.


    I wasn't really being mean, my point was exactly as she said. You never know? Sorry, really wasn't intending to be mean. 
    Chapter79 said:
    gwapes said:
     
    Chapter79 said:
    might I add, while this is on my mind..
    The type of cheating does and would matter to me.
    An emotional affair that is also sexual, and is going on for years?  That's not my thing. I might walk out on that, myself.   Cheating isn't always black and white, either.  There are one night things with no emotions, there are emotions and sex, there are men who do this for years and years.  I would imagine something like that is a LOT harder to get over.  That isn't what my H did.

    I don't imagine it would be easy to work on a marriage when the dude has been emotionally and sexually seeing a chic on the side for 2 years or something.  That means he doesn't want to work on it.  When it's a one time thing, and there aren't emotions.. personally speaking, it's more worth working for.  (in MY marriage).
    That you know of. 
    Just like you don't know if yours has or hasn't.  Seriously?
    Aint no one gonna knock me down :)  Like I said, it's been worked through. You don't have to believe that, nor does anyone here.  Not anyones business but mine and my husbands. 
    And on that note, I'm kinda done with it now :)

    I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't, for your H, really. It was just a general statement.  That you never know. Sorry, I'm not trying to knock you or your marriage.
    Well I'm glad you clarified that because I kind of wanted to punch you in the crotch on her behalf.  And I was surprised to read something like that coming from you.
    I really think that came across wrong. She's not a mega douche like that.
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  • It alllll good guys, it was taken care of :)  
    But I appreciate you willing to crotch kick in my defense if ever warranted ;)
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    [Deleted User]
  • I agree with you. But you don't know what you would do until you are in that situation. I used to think if a married man cheats, that's it! You're done. That being said, my sister went through this. She found out her hubby was cheating with not one, not two, but 3 women. One of who was for 2 years. At the time she found out she was 25w pregnant with #2. DD was 3.5 at the time. After shit hit the fan, they end up staying together and after 3 years things seem to be going well. Therapy has helped. So really I don't know what I'd do if in that situation. You have to look at the big picture, not just what you feel is right. Esp when children are involved. If you don't have kids, I'd say you betcha ass I'd divorce him. Lol
  • brownie123brownie123
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    edited January 2014
    KateMW said:
    Chapter79 said:
    I truly think this is a situation in which 98% of people can't actually say or know what they will do unless it happens to them.  You can say "it's a deal breaker, hands down" until you're blue in the face... and then it happens, and you really might change your mind. That was me. I have always said it was a deal breaker. 300%. Hands down. I was positive. Then it happened in my marriage.  And we're celebrating 10 years this summer, and our marriage is the strongest it has EVER been. You can work through it, IF you BOTH want to and have that desire. If you don't, it won't work.  

    So no, it's not a deal breaker for me.  And I'm glad I changed my mind and opened my eyes to the other side, or I wouldn't be married now.  And I honestly have a fantastic marriage now.
    This made me think of a friend I have who is going through a really rough time right  now.  Her DH works away, has a girlfriend, and is still in the relationship with both.  Actually, they are still technically married, but they don't have any type of relationship right now, he is definitely favouring the girlfriend, you might say.  But - (his wife) has decided to wait it out in hopes that he will come back.  While I don't agree with her decision, I have told her time and time again, that I couldn't say what I would do unless it happened to me.  All I can do is support her.  I really do hope it works out for her, and she has a happy ending like you!
    And see...I could not just sit by and watch something like that happen to a friend. How stupid do you have to be to think that is going to work out? WTF?
    ITA but what can you do...  It's been 9 months.  Even her family is telling her to get a lawyer and protect herself but she won't hear anything of it!  BTW she has 3 kids, ages 3 - 12.  They (my friend and her dh) are trying to hide the fact that daddy barely comes around anymore...  I'm sure they (the kids) know something is up. Kids aren't dumb. 
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