Brand new and trying an independent adoption...

caddymom1978

My hubby and I are just starting the adoption process. We just got the application for the home study and we are excited and nervous all at the same time. We are wanting to try the independent adoption route first. Any advice from anyone who has gone through it already. We live in a smallish town, will that hurt our chances?

IRR

I suggest reading the FAQ's at the top of the board and not necessarily rule out anyone path until you start meeting with your SW on your homestudy.  GL.

Chele

No advice as we're going a different route, but good luck!

Dr.Loretta

Welcome.

What do you mean by independent adoption? Does that mean (to you) not going through the state, or not going through an agency at all? Who's doing your homestudy?

I wish you lots of luck and hope you post often. This is a great resource.

[Deleted User]

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irismorning

My only advice is to make sure that you get references from your lawyer and make sure that he/she is an adoption attorney. I did a private adoption and my first lawyer (who was an adoption lawyer) messed up and delayed the finalization of the adoption by 1 1/2 years. My second lawyer who I found through a personal referral was wonderful.

caddymom1978

I mean we are not going through the state or an agency. We are going to try on our own for at least a year. After a year, we may try an agency. Doing it independently seems to be a cheaper route. We are using Children's Home Society of NC for the home study. 

caddymom1978

Felicidada said:

Unfortunately, I know nothing about adoption but some time ago I with my husband also wanted to become parents and for some reasons we couldn't. We were hesitating what to choose adoption or surrogate mother. We were thinking for a long time. We've chosen surrogate mother for some reasons. I'll explain. Surrogate mother could gave us a chance to have genetically our baby. We used my eggs and my husband's sperm and now it is our baby according to the DNA test. And it is main point - baby has our genes, he is our!!! I know cases when women can't use own eggs for medical reasons, but don't forget about the husband if he can use his sperm it will be genetically his baby too or vice versa. And when you adopt child, of course, it is also great it is the same baby who needs your love and care and you will be great parents for him or her, I'm sure, but you don't know the parents, you know nothing about hereditary diseases in this family which can appear with time, you don't know how mother carry the baby, maybe she smoked or drank alcohol. As for me it is risky. One more plus of surrogate mother you can watch the process of carrying your baby, it is interesting, really, you can be present at childbirth and shoot it on camera))) think it is great. I don't want to persuade you not to adopt a child, I just was at the same situation and I know how it is and just ask you to think!))) if you want to know more about something you can mail and ask [email protected] Best wishes for you.

Surrogacy is not an option for us. We have had three biological children, 2 have had autism and my baby has mitochondrial disease (which is genetic). My middle son, one of the ones with autism, passed away 3 years ago. We are willing to take our chances with adoption. Thanks though for telling me your experience. 

maryoosa

@Felicidada,

Not to hijack this thread, but you are making so many overarching assumptions about relationships that adoptive families have with birth families and the children that are in those families that I really feel like I need to offer some counterpoint.

1. While surrogacy is an option for some women, at the outset, it roughly costs double what a domestic infant adoption costs- given that those costs are already often astronomical, surrogacy is simply out of the fiscal reach of many women.

2. Believe it or not, some women actually make adoption their Plan A- for hundreds of different reasons. Not everyone who adopts really wants or needs a genetic connection to their child.

3. Also, you state:
"I'm sure, but you don't know the parents, you know nothing about hereditary diseases in this family which can appear with time, you don't know how mother carry the baby, maybe she smoked or drank alcohol. As for me it is risky. One more plus of surrogate mother you can watch the process of carrying your baby, it is interesting, really, you can be present at childbirth"

Perhaps this is true in some cases, but the trend in the United States is toward open adoption- where adoptive families and adoptees often have access to a significant amount of information regarding health and substance use.

In my case specifically- which granted is much more open than most- I was invited to participate in the pregnancy - I went to every drs appointment during the second and third trimester, we were in the delivery room 4 minutes after the birth (we didn't make it for delivery because she delivered quickly),  I know my son's birth mother probably about as well as I know most of my cousins.

So- while your experience with surrogacy is interesting and worked for you- don't assume that the risks you are stating are deal breakers for others.

Chele

As I said, I no nothing about Independent adoption but I got this email from the Adoptive Families Magazine abouta webinar they are having: https://view.exacttarget.com/?j=fe6017717266077e7d10&m=feef16767c6c03&ls=fdbc1572726504757d1d787462&l=fec11375776c027f&s=fe26117573620278771575&jb=ffcf14&ju=fe2b17787665027c711175

Perhaps you could listen to that and it might answer some questions. I think they may keep the webinar up on their site for a while after it's finished so if you can't participate live you may still be able to hear it.

HTH

Chele

no = know (Ugh)

caddymom1978

Chele said:

As I said, I no nothing about Independent adoption but I got this email from the Adoptive Families Magazine abouta webinar they are having: https://view.exacttarget.com/?j=fe6017717266077e7d10&m=feef16767c6c03&ls=fdbc1572726504757d1d787462&l=fec11375776c027f&s=fe26117573620278771575&jb=ffcf14&ju=fe2b17787665027c711175

Perhaps you could listen to that and it might answer some questions. I think they may keep the webinar up on their site for a while after it's finished so if you can't participate live you may still be able to hear it.

HTH

Thanks so much...checking it out now!!