PAL Check In

Mrs Nice

Welcome to Friday PAL Checkin! This CheckIn is for everyone who is parenting after a loss. If you have an older child or a rainbow baby or both you are welcome to share here.

I hope everyone is having a good week. If anyone has any suggestions for questions, please don't be shy!

Where are you in your PAL journey?

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

QOTW: What has been the most surprising thing you have found about you PAL journey so far?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

philfemgal

I've been away from this board for so long--and mostly have only been lurking on the bump at all once in awhile.  But we just hit the 2 year anniversary of Alice's birth/death and it motivated me to get back on.

Where are you in your PAL journey?

Ada is 10 months old tomorrow and doing great.  I feel like the last 10 months have largely been a big blur of baby, baby, baby and lack of sleep.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

We just hit the 2nd anniversary of Alice's birth/death on 1/5.  Usually leading up to anniversaries is hard, but this time I really didn't notice much in the lead up.  I think it was because it was Ada's first Christmas and I was putting a lot of thought and effort into trying to make that great.  And then it ended up that we all got sick and had to move our trip to visit family (ended up driving on Christmas day).  When we got back in the begging of Jan. I just felt like I needed to recover from the sickness and tiredness of the trip (and Ada sleeping horribly while we were away).  So 1/5 came and went.  And only *after* that day did things really start to hit me.  I happened to read a Slate piece about 2nd trimester losses and Ariel Levy's piece "Thanksgiving in Mongolia" about her loss at 19 weeks and they just resonated so much for me.  I also went back to teaching at the university I was teaching at during my pregnancy with Ada which is an hour away.  And going there now, I just remember doing that drive 3 days a week while pregnant and how much of the drive I'd end up crying over losing Alice or because of worrying about the pregnancy with Ada or both.  Sometimes it would just be some random minor sad thing on npr and it'd get me going. Well the last two weeks I feel like that same random tearing up is back.

QOTW: What has been the most surprising thing you have found about you PAL journey so far?

I've found it surprising how all encompassing having a tiny baby can be in terms of having any energy/emotional room for grieving.  Sometimes I think because we don't talk much to friends/family about Alice (mostly because we are so focused on Ada and 95% of the time we are thinking/talking about anything, it's her), that people probably think we are over it--which of course is not true.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I have noticed on my birth month board and on pgal (from lurking) that there are a lot of posters with a baby my age who are pregnant again, trying, considering trying, etc.  And I knew a few people in real life in that situation too.  And I am always astounded seeing this--like how do you have the energy to be pregnant *and* have a 10 month old?!  Am I doing something wrong, because just in terms of our dealing with sleep issues, the day to day taking care of the house, entertaining Ada, etc. I can't imagine being ready for another so soon.  (Of course, we had always said even before our losses that we probably wanted 2 children at least 3+ years apart in age; so we had never considered wanting to have another with an under 1 year old.)  But seeing others pregnant at this point has made me start thinking more about if we will every try to have another child and how.  I have always wanted 2, but I think it's very possible the experience of the losses might end up altering that plan.  I just don't see how we could get through another pregnancy with all the anxiety.

OSUWifey09

Where are you in your PAL journey? Mia is almost two weeks old. I wish time would slow down.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? Devon's loss has really hit me the last couple of days, which has caused some serious breakdowns. It's hard to look at Mia and see so many of Devon's features in her. Now that the bruising and swelling from the birth is going down, it's obvious that they look so much alike.

QOTW: What has been the most surprising thing you have found about you PAL journey so far? I've been surprised at how hard it's been. I knew it would be hard, but I underestimated the emotions that could come with parenting a rainbow. I do feel it starting to get easier, but it's still hard. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm trying not to stress out. My husband leaves for his duty station - and then deployment - at the end of the week, which means it will be me, DS and DD until he returns in September. My parents and friends will be able to help on weekends, but covering the day-to-day starting Saturday is really stressing me out. I just hope I can keep my house together and not lose my mind. DD is such a fantastic baby, but I'm afraid of how I'm going to be able to balance DD, DS, my emotions and the house.

jbranden12

philfemgal said:
QOTW: What has been the most surprising thing you have found about you PAL journey so far?

I've found it surprising how all encompassing having a tiny baby can be in terms of having any energy/emotional room for grieving.  Sometimes I think because we don't talk much to friends/family about Alice (mostly because we are so focused on Ada and 95% of the time we are thinking/talking about anything, it's her), that people probably think we are over it--which of course is not true.

I completely agree. Anna sucks up so much of my energy and heartache that there is little room for Patricia on a day to day basis. Often when I do think of Patricia, it is because I am thinking of how Anna's life would be different if her big sister were alive and what we would be doing with them together. I have mixed feelings about it because Patricia was her own person, my daughter, not just Anna's sister. But Anna is our main focus right now and that's how it should be. 

I am glad Ada is doing so well! I am also amazed that people I was pregnant with are pregnant again, in fact I've had to stop visiting the PAL board because I am so envious. We do want more children but I just...the fear. We were struck by lighting twice with no explanation. I don't know if the third time would be the charm or if we would be inviting even more heartache.  

jbranden12

OSUWifey09 said:

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm trying not to stress out. My husband leaves for his duty station - and then deployment - at the end of the week, which means it will be me, DS and DD until he returns in September. My parents and friends will be able to help on weekends, but covering the day-to-day starting Saturday is really stressing me out. I just hope I can keep my house together and not lose my mind. DD is such a fantastic baby, but I'm afraid of how I'm going to be able to balance DD, DS, my emotions and the house.

Wow! I'm so glad you'll have help on weekends, but wow! I don't know what to say other than wishing you peace, patience, and strength!

jbranden12

Where are you in your PAL journey? We just passed Anna's first birthday. It was hard due to the circumstances of her birth as well as facing the reality that Patricia will never get another birthday, though she should be two in March.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? As I mentioned in response to @philfemgal 's post, the grief most hits when I think of something Anna and Patricia should be doing together. Ex: bike riding on Sunday with my family, we saw two little girls in a bike trailer. Patricia and Anna will never get to do that. 

QOTW: What has been the most surprising thing you have found about you PAL journey so far? How the envy doesn't go away. In fact, there's a post on Still Standing today that really resonated with me: https://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/new-envy-rises/

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I really want Anna to roll. She is close, really good at getting her right leg over her left, but her left arm can't figure out where to go. A friend on FB posted a video of her 8 month old almost crawling, and I broke down in tears. Most parents don't realize how amazing it is that their babies can roll, push up on their hands, sit up, etc. etc. etc. 

philfemgal

Congratulations OSUWifey on your rainbow--welcome Mia!

philfemgal

jbranden12 said:

philfemgal said:
QOTW: What has been the most surprising thing you have found about you PAL journey so far?

I've found it surprising how all encompassing having a tiny baby can be in terms of having any energy/emotional room for grieving.  Sometimes I think because we don't talk much to friends/family about Alice (mostly because we are so focused on Ada and 95% of the time we are thinking/talking about anything, it's her), that people probably think we are over it--which of course is not true.

I completely agree. Anna sucks up so much of my energy and heartache that there is little room for Patricia on a day to day basis. Often when I do think of Patricia, it is because I am thinking of how Anna's life would be different if her big sister were alive and what we would be doing with them together. I have mixed feelings about it because Patricia was her own person, my daughter, not just Anna's sister. But Anna is our main focus right now and that's how it should be. 

I am glad Ada is doing so well! I am also amazed that people I was pregnant with are pregnant again, in fact I've had to stop visiting the PAL board because I am so envious. We do want more children but I just...the fear. We were struck by lighting twice with no explanation. I don't know if the third time would be the charm or if we would be inviting even more heartache.  

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling there is little time to grieve.

Yeah PAL has been full of BFPs lately. 

I can't imagine how terrifying another pregnancy would be in your situation.

I hope you and Anna are doing well.  And I hope she manages the roll soon.  The arm still getting stuck for a good while after they've figured out the rest of their body sounds familiar.