Toddler power struggles

MrsCodeMonkey

DD has really been testing me lately. Especially when she's tired, she fights me over every damn thing. I know it's a power struggle and I try to stay calm on the outside. I put her in time out if she doesn't chill, but it's been getting to me. Today I wanted to throw a plate. It makes me so angry.

Does anyone have good coping strategies? How do you stay calm and in control? I'm about to start day drinking, you guys...

In case your wondering, today's tantrum was brought on by potty training. She was using the potty and we were in there a while playing patty cake waiting for the pee to come. Then she asks for a diaper because she wants to play with her doll house. After half an hr I figured it's time to call it quits. I put on her diaper and dress her up. As soon as I'm putting on her skinny jeans she asks to poop in the potty. I told her she can try again after lunch. Should I have obliged? I'm afraid I'll end up dressing and undressing her all day. She hasn't mastered how to put her pants on yet.

Edit: I feel silly regarding the above story. The screaming over the diaper made me angry. Not the PT.

My parents are coming to visit and I'll get a break. I am not myself and definitely need some time off. I should not engage in power struggles with my toddler. I know better...

CinemaGoddess

Do you have any different pants or a dress she can wear instead?

For PTing stuff, I let them go to the potty as often as they wanted to, even if it was a non-productive trip.  

taggiecb

My only advice is pick your battles, some things are just not worth the stress.  

CinemaGoddess

As for the other power struggles, I have no idea.  If I can, I leave the house.  If I can't, I scream into a pillow or go into the bathroom and shut the door.  

RayRay007

Your potty training kid asked you to go poop and you wanted to throw a plate? 

I think you need to chill. Kids are difficult at this age. Pick your battles, for sure. Put her in easy pants while potty training if it's such a hassle to undress and dress her. 

RayRay007

As for bigger issues that are worth throwing plates over, I just walk away. 

MrsCodeMonkey

RayRay007 said:

Your potty training kid asked you to go poop and you wanted to throw a plate? 

I think you need to chill. Kids are difficult at this age. Pick your battles, for sure. Put her in easy pants while potty training if it's such a hassle to undress and dress her. 

Lol. Yes, that does sound silly. I am trying to chill. It's hard to describe the situation. It started with the bathroom and then moved on to something else. She was demanding one thing, then another, and then another...all while screaming and crying and whining. If she would have asked nicely to have her diaper off again I would have helped her.

MrsCodeMonkey

RayRay007 said:

As for bigger issues that are worth throwing plates over, I just walk away. 

I guess that's part of it. It was all little things that just added up. And the incessant screaming was hard to take. I have to really try to control my temper. I walk away and she just follows me and whines some more. I could leave the house for a minute but I don't know if it's a good idea to leave her unsupervised. I'd love to take a few hours off.

MrsCodeMonkey

CinemaGoddess said:

Do you have any different pants or a dress she can wear instead?

For PTing stuff, I let them go to the potty as often as they wanted to, even if it was a non-productive trip.  

Yes, we have many soft pants and dresses. I should change her in something practical at home. We were out this morning, therefore the impractical pants. I put the PT on pause after not having any luck, but I will take her to try again if she's interested. I just don't do it if she's screaming at me.

shadypines

MrsCodeMonkey it will get better..... I promise... I hope.... Don't hold me to this.... ok! lolol

And if you want to throw a plate because of this, it's perfectly OK... TODDLERS ARE FUCKING HARD..... jeez louise.....

ASmallWonder

I'm sure there's more to the story/day but you can't be upset with her that you guys sat in the bathroom and pee didn't come.  It doesn't sound like telling you she had to poop was a ploy or anything.  She didn't have to go while you were in there and then the urge hit her.  It happens and with PTing unless you honest to God are sure you're being manipulated, yes, you have to oblige their every request to use the potty.

Soxgirl07

When I'm at the end of my rope sometimes, I just hug my 2.5 year old. I know it sounds dumb, but when I went to throttle him, I give him a big bear hug instead. It obviously doesn't work when I'm trying to discipline him, and I can't even think of a good example right now, but now it's worked to calm me down before.

RondackHiker

MrsCodeMonkey said:

As for bigger issues that are worth throwing plates over, I just walk away. 

I guess that's part of it. It was all little things that just added up. And the incessant screaming was hard to take. I have to really try to control my temper. I walk away and she just follows me and whines some more. I could leave the house for a minute but I don't know if it's a good idea to leave her unsupervised. I'd love to take a few hours off.

Is there any way you can get a few hours off? A mom friend or something? That would help.

DS can get this way sometimes too. It usually tends to happen more when I am feeling impatient and tired and sick of it. I'm sure I'm not responding to him as nicely and not using as nice of a tone or facial expressions. I'm sure he picks up on that. Even if I'm not yelling at him, I'm not being pleasant, if that makes sense.

I figure that if I'm acting a bit grumpy/short/unpleasant, it's reasonable that he'd feel the same way and since he's three he's going to be super dramatic about being unpleasant and grumpy. It's hard when you get into a cycle (I don't respond to whines), but if he's good for a moment, I try to respond really positively and break the "cycle of grumpiness" where we each are feeling cranky feeding off each other.

That and hand him food. Food often helps.

MrsCodeMonkey

elmoali said:

I'm sure there's more to the story/day but you can't be upset with her that you guys sat in the bathroom and pee didn't come.  It doesn't sound like telling you she had to poop was a ploy or anything.  She didn't have to go while you were in there and then the urge hit her.  It happens and with PTing unless you honest to God are sure you're being manipulated, yes, you have to oblige their every request to use the potty.

No, I wasn't upset that the trip was unproductive. She was screaming at me to take off her pants after she just asked to put them on. She knows how to ask nicely for things. I ignore her when she doesn't. Ignoring this time made it worse.

Looks like I need more patience with PT. I probably should have asked her to say please and tried again instead of moving on to lunch.

MrsCodeMonkey

@RondackHiker Yes, we were both hungry. That certainly didn't help. She calmed down after she ate, but getting to the high chair was a big hurdle.

RondackHiker

Could the screaming to take her pants off be panic? DS tends to have the urge hit suddenly and screams he needs to go while charging toward the bathroom like he's running from a monster.

We're working on him paying more attention to his body and not panicking about it.

MrsCodeMonkey

RondackHiker said:

Could the screaming to take her pants off be panic? DS tends to have the urge hit suddenly and screams he needs to go while charging toward the bathroom like he's running from a monster.

We're working on him paying more attention to his body and not panicking about it.

I don't know. She hasn't pooped in the potty in many months. She seems to prefer to stand and usually poops in the evenings. We keep trying and nothing...I thought I was being manipulated. Now, I don't know... PT requires patience I don't have at the moment. I need to regroup and try again.

RondackHiker

MrsCodeMonkey said:

Could the screaming to take her pants off be panic? DS tends to have the urge hit suddenly and screams he needs to go while charging toward the bathroom like he's running from a monster. We're working on him paying more attention to his body and not panicking about it.

I don't know. She hasn't pooped in the potty in many months. She seems to prefer to stand and usually poops in the evenings. We keep trying and nothing...I thought I was being manipulated. Now, I don't know... PT requires patience I don't have at the moment. I need to regroup and try again.

I think we all hit that point sometimes. 

If you're feeling really overwhelmed a break is a good idea. 

MrsCodeMonkey

About the cycle of grumpiness, I fully agree. DH has been gone most of the week. I have been struggling with anxiety. I made an appt to deal with it but it's not for a few weeks. I try really hard to hide my anxiety, but I'm sure it's coming through at times.

Meanwhile, I got 4 workouts this week. If only I could live at the gym...I'm so much happier there.

MrsCodeMonkey

Also, thank you for shaking some sense into me. I can count on this board to put things in perspective. Having toddlers is not for the weak.

RayRay007

MrsCodeMonkey said:

As for bigger issues that are worth throwing plates over, I just walk away. 

I guess that's part of it. It was all little things that just added up. And the incessant screaming was hard to take. I have to really try to control my temper. I walk away and she just follows me and whines some more. I could leave the house for a minute but I don't know if it's a good idea to leave her unsupervised. I'd love to take a few hours off.

We all have days like that and it's hard. I find I have more patience with DD when I take time to do things for myself and have a break from parenting. Does she play on her own yet? I know DD didn't much at that age, but now that she does a little bit, I let her play by herself while I have a cup of coffee and do a jigsaw puzzle or something. Sounds lame, but it's nice to do what you want to do sometimes. 

MrsCodeMonkey

RayRay007 said:

MrsCodeMonkey said:

As for bigger issues that are worth throwing plates over, I just walk away. 

I guess that's part of it. It was all little things that just added up. And the incessant screaming was hard to take. I have to really try to control my temper. I walk away and she just follows me and whines some more. I could leave the house for a minute but I don't know if it's a good idea to leave her unsupervised. I'd love to take a few hours off.

We all have days like that and it's hard. I find I have more patience with DD when I take time to do things for myself and have a break from parenting. Does she play on her own yet? I know DD didn't much at that age, but now that she does a little bit, I let her play by herself while I have a cup of coffee and do a jigsaw puzzle or something. Sounds lame, but it's nice to do what you want to do sometimes. 

No, it's not lame. I've been reading Divergent during her naps. I love the quiet when I can get it. She doesn't play by herself for long.

We just got back from a walk and we both feel better. Can't wait till it's warmer out.

Spapeggy

Potty training is for real the devils work. Fucking stupid, hard, infuriating and your supposed to keep a smile and your cool. Sooooo hard! Hated hated hated it. I feel you and I feel your pain. Just think patience over and over

MrsCodeMonkey

Spapeggy said:

Potty training is for real the devils work. Fucking stupid, hard, infuriating and your supposed to keep a smile and your cool. Sooooo hard! Hated hated hated it. I feel you and I feel your pain. Just think patience over and over

@Spapeggy It is horrible. I'm not cut out for it either. Let's run away and have a drink!

By the way, tonight she put on pants correctly for the first time. She took off the jeans and found pj bottoms to put on while I was doing laundry. She's becoming independent. I can't wait till she can wipe her own ass. Now, that's a milestone!

MrsCodeMonkey

JerseySprouts said:

FWIW on PT  we did the 3 day "method" and it worked like a dream. I guess we got lucky with timing but she only had one minor accident over the 3 days.

Wow! Impressive! How old was she when you started? We had a lot of false starts.

flyingsaucer

I did the 3 day with DS and it worked like a dream. DD... Not so much. She was a BEAST and it took forever to PT her. Very frustrating. I feel your pain. Toddlers are no joke. I agree with pp's to put clothes on her that are easy to pull-up and down a don't make a power struggle over too much. If she asks Togo, let her. If she doesn't want to don't push. DS was not a power struggle kind of kid, but DD is! Also, one thing that really helped DD PT is getting a potty doll that she can sit on the potty. She loved that. We kept the doll's potty in the bathroom so they could "go together". I have the 3 day PT Method e book. If u want it just pm me your email address. GL. This too shall pass

MrsCodeMonkey

@kgopel Thanks! When I get to a computer I will.