Discipline advice?

L0L0

DD is 22 months old and DS is 2 weeks. I am really struggling with her behavior. Thankfully she is kind to the baby and mostly leaves him alone. What is hard is that she wreaks havoc throughout the house while I'm (constantly) sitting and nursing. In particular she chases, hits, and throw things at the dog (this started a few months ago and has already forced us to give our other dog away to friends since that dog couldn't handle it and it wasn't safe). She throws food and dishes. She pushes chairs up to counters and gets into everything. She climbs everything and plays on the stairs. She is also just about to figure out how to unlock and open the front door of the house. Before DS was born, we just physically intervened whenever necessary. I really need some discipline techniques that I can carry out when I'm home alone with both of them. Yelling at her from the couch is not working and makes me feel like a terrible mom. My new baby just wants to be held all the time, so I want to accommodate that, and when I do put him down if he's awake, he cries and it adds to the cacophony and chaos that is my life now. We have tried interrupting DD's bad behavior, plopping her on the couch and explaining sternly something like "we don't hit the dog. That hurts her. Leave her alone." If we are too stern she will cry, but it doesn't stop her from resuming the behavior as soon as we let her down again. Please let me know what has worked for your family!

LC122

Tough Stuff. A couple thoughts:
1. Install a new lock higher up on the door so that she cannot let herself out of the house. Safety 1st.
2. Containment. If DD1 is too all over the place, we go to her room where at least the chaos gets confined to a smaller space and not the whole house.
3. Organization. Fight toy sprawl. Rather than having toys all over the house, I try to keep them in smaller baskets. DD1 has to put one basket away before she can take any toys out of another.
4. Make games out of skills. Before DD2, we spent some time playing games out of skills that would be useful after DD2's arrival. Games like Stop/Go, Quiet/Loud, etc.
5. We use 20 second timeouts. Some things get warnings, others are instant timeouts. Any harm or unkindness to the dog is an instant timeout. The idea being that the unkindness is a result of DD losing control of herself and needing a moment to reset. It is a very important teachable moment. DD1 has gotten much better about her behavior toward the dog, whom she loves. Her instant timeouts are so consistent that she doesn't resist them at all. I can be nursing DD2 and tell her from the couch to pull her chair to the middle of the room and count her timeout and she does it without resistance.
6. Consistency. The timeouts is probably the easiest example of this but there are consistent consequences to certain actions. Hurting the dog gets a timeout and apology to the dog. Throwing food gets the food taken away and she may have to help clean up.
7. Boundaries. I find that DD actually behaves better the more boundaries and rules she has, and again, they have to be enforced with consistency. I think she wants to know what is expected of her and will rise to those expectations. DH seems to give in to cuteness or tears and it always comes back to bite him.
8. Respect. I try to maintain a mutual respect with DD. I say please and thank you to her always. DH doesn't as much and has many more battles. Often, he'll ask her to do something and get fussiness and I'll ask her the same thing but say please and she responds immediately. I also provide explanation when I ask/tell her not to do something. I think people underestimate their toddlers (children) and their ability to understand things (or at least pretend to).
And that's all I've got for now.

LovelyLou23

First, I would say, get up off the couch and correct her behavior. Either get up while you're holding and nursing the baby, even if it's uncomfortable, or put the baby down and be ok if he cries for a couple seconds while you correct her. IMHO, it's much more important that you address her acting out because you know your baby will get fed. 

Could you try letting her know before you nurse and giving her a couple of choices of what she could do? Sounds like she wants to feel powerful, so give her two choices of what YOU are ok with her doing, and let her choose. 

Don't be afraid to use things like the TV, a game on your phone, or an activity that isn't normally allowed, but is specifically for when you nurse the baby. 

Also, let her climb on your lap. She could just be vying for your attention and trying to compete with the baby. If you welcome her onto your lap while you are nursing (again, even if it's uncomfortable for a little bit), she won't feel like that time is only for you and baby. Eventually, it will get old and boring and she won't want to anymore, but you have at least let her know that it's ok and that she is important too.

Finally, PP said this too, but definitely try to talk to her with calmness and respect. Squat down and get on her level, look into her eyes, make her feel like a real person, not just an annoying toddler. I know this is so hard....I am certainly not a pro, but I definitely notice a difference in DD's behavior when I treat her like this than when I get mad and yell at her. 

Ok ok, one last thing....get a baby carrier! If your baby just wants to be held, it will be a life-saver!

Hope that's helpful! 

ashiscute

Like PP said baby wear when not nursing.  DS LOVED being worn and it was a life saver.  

For while you are nursing I would gate the dog into a separate room (shut him in your bedroom) or something to keep them separated.  It is not safe to have her antagonize the dog especially when your attention is more focused on the baby.  

I also think 22 mos is old enough for timeout.  We started with 45 seconds and DD understood it very quickly.  I didn't do any of the apologize afterwards (I think they are too little for that) but just you went into timeout for X.  Make sure acceptable behaviors are explained before.  

We did a lot of TV, coloring, TV, stickers, TV, books, TV, etc during the first few weeks.  

It will get better/easier!  

Gianluca109

My 27 month old has been the same way, especially with the aggressiveness towards our dogs which I find completely unacceptable. We just recently started doing time outs in his room with the gate up, we do 2 minute time outs since he is 2. So far it seems to be effective, he even comes out of his room and, without prompting, will even apologize to the dog on his own.

tamarar5

Can I jump in with another question? Ds will be 18 months when #3 arrives. How world you suggest redirecting his (potential) bad behavior? He is too young right now (almost a year) to understand that we are having a new baby, but we talk about it with him and dd all the time. My hope is that as it gets closer to baby time, he will be old enough to comprehend the new baby coming.

What are your recommendations?

LC122

My first recommendation is not to underestimate your DS. He may not understand all there is to know about babies and where they come from, but he'll have his own version of understanding what it all means for him.
Do what you've been doing - talking to him about it. Read books about it, especially ones with examples of what babies can & can't do and what bigger kids get to do.
Practice practical skills - inside voice vs outside voice, stop vs go, etc.
Have some special, engaging toys that will occupy him when you need time to focus more on the baby. And/or find ways to incorporate him in helping.
I have girls, but I have heard that boys are less likely to want to engage with new babies, so his general reaction may guide you in either direction - occupy vs engage.

L0L0

Thanks for all the good ideas! We have gated off our living room and it has already made a huge difference that DD has to stay in the same room with me and the baby, and the dog is outside of it.