This sucks & it's only day 2 — The Bump
Working Moms

This sucks & it's only day 2

So, I returned to work yesterday after 14 weeks home with my amazing daughter. I so loved be a SAHM. I had a fever but knew I couldn't call in even though my boss is out of the office. DD decided not to sleep the night prior but I fought through it and was surprisingly okay leaving the house yesterday and throughout the day. Our nanny sent me the cutest pics. When I got home I completely lost it - one smile from her and I felt like the worst mom for being gone all day and then for being sick which made it hard to pick her up and love on her. I was so wiped out that I only got 15min with her before needing to lay down ... fast forward to her bed time. She only slept for 40min before waking up screaming and wiggling and was wide awake until 1am. I broke down last night feeling like I had spent more time frustrated at her for not letting me sleep than happily spending quality time with her. I am now on 4 hours of sleep, fever is down and when I left this morning she was wide awake. She wouldn't smile for me but had a huge one for the nanny as soon as she walked through the door. I left the house a complete mess... not sure if it's the sleep deprivation, being sick or just the shear unhappiness of having to leave my little girl for 10 hours every day while someone else gets to raise her. I'm meant to do that. I'm her mom. 

And then it leaves me resentful of DH... I make twice as much as him and he has shitty benefits. AND last night when I wanted to take a nap for 30min he said "what do I do with her?" ... and he only helped me for 30min of the 3hour marathon of trying to get her to sleep. And who slept in later this morning? Him. I feel like he doesn't understand I need support too - we are both working now. 

My mom has offered to pay for a sleep training coach... i'm seriously considering it even though she is only 14wks old. I don't know how i'll be able to survive working 5-6 days per week, 10 hour days in a high stress job & spend quality time with DD without being a sick zombie.

Please tell me this gets easier... please tell me it's all worth it. 
BabyFruit Ticker

Re: This sucks & it's only day 2

  • jf198400 said:

    Ok don't stress- sleep deprivation and being sick makes everything like 100 times worse. I don't know if you tried this, but I coslept with my babies. They slept better, didn't wake up as much, and thus I got much more sleep, and got extra cuddle time.

    Second, you and your DH need to have a sit down talk about expectations with you both working. If you are BFing it is hard b/c the dad always thinks why do I need to help, I can't feed the baby. But they can certainly get up at night to change a diaper, and if you are FFing then he can give bottles too. It's not fair for you to do it all. He needs to realize that he is a dad now and you are equal partners in this.

    Third, the nanny is not "raising" your baby. You are her mom and she knows that. It's good for children to be loved and cared for by multiple people. It will get much easier for you as she gets older, more interactive, and spends more time awake.

    Lastly, she is only 14 weeks, sleep may still be a challenge for awhile and you just have to deal with it (which will be easier when you get over being sick). I would by hire a sleep trainer this young. Keep in mind, that mama returning to work is a big transition on her too, it's normal to have sleep regression.

    Thank you - this made me feel better. I definitely feel like being sick is making everything worse. Any tips for the sleep regression?
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • jf198400jf198400
    250 Answers 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fifth Anniversary
    member
    edited January 2014
    Did you try cosleeping? Are you BFing of bottle feeding?
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • jf198400 said:

    Did you try cosleeping? Are you BFing of bottle feeding?

    EBF. She sleeps in the RNP next to me. Our bed is a queen so I don't feel comfortable putting her in our bed with us.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • What does a sleep training coach do?  As soon as I became a mother I learned how little sleep you need to function on.  You can be crabby, cranky, and miserable about it, or accept it for what it is, grab a cup of coffee and keep moving.  I didn't go back to work until my kids were 6 months, partially so that I was not up all night with a baby and then have to go to work. 

    It seems like you need to adjust some of your expectations.  Why did you spend 3 hours trying to get her to sleep?  Maybe she just wasn't tiered yet.  Are you trying to nap between getting home from work and going to sleep at night?  That seems like it's not a great idea if you're worried about spending time with her.

    I've been a mom for almost 4 years, working in a school with a bunch of germ infested kids, and I have never gotten sick to the point where I needed to go to sleep or throw up.  DH has had several days/nights he's been in bed and running to the bathroom while I'm sleeping next to him.  Both kids have been up puking all night, yet I never get it.  Watch now I'll get the flu next week, but I think part of the reason I don't get sick is I don't let myself.  If I'm starting to feel a cold or stomach bug, I just brush it off.  Again, I'm probably wrong, but I feel like the more you worry about yourself getting sick or too tiered, the more likely it will to happen and effect you.  I don't mean to be harsh, but I think if you adjust your attitude and just know you can, and have to, do it, even on an hour or two of sleep, you'll be fine.
  • jf198400 said:
    Ok don't stress- sleep deprivation and being sick makes everything like 100 times worse. I don't know if you tried this, but I coslept with my babies. They slept better, didn't wake up as much, and thus I got much more sleep, and got extra cuddle time.
     
    Second, you and your DH need to have a sit down talk about expectations with you both working. If you are BFing it is hard b/c the dad always thinks why do I need to help, I can't feed the baby. But they can certainly get up at night to change a diaper, and if you are FFing then he can give bottles too. It's not fair for you to do it all. He needs to realize that he is a dad now and you are equal partners in this.
     
    Third, the nanny is not "raising" your baby. You are her mom and she knows that. It's good for children to be loved and cared for by multiple people. It will get much easier for you as she gets older, more interactive, and spends more time awake.
     
    Lastly, she is only 14 weeks, sleep may still be a challenge for awhile and you just have to deal with it (which will be easier when you get over being sick). I would by hire a sleep trainer this young. Keep in mind, that mama returning to work is a big transition on her too, it's normal to have sleep regression.


    This 100%. Babies don't sleep well, and it's just something new parents have to power through. Coffee and lowering your expectations a bit of some other things might help - like keeping the house clean or laudry or whatever. Not sure if you BF or FF, but I bedshare with DS and BF him through the night. I would get exactly no sleep if I didn't do that. I didn't and won't sleep train, but I do understand the temptation, especially when you're sick. I'm so sorry :(

    One thing about your DD smiling at the nanny... Remember, she's still trying to impress the nanny. She knows you are her mommy, and she doesn't have to try so hard to get your love, approval and affection. She knows you love her, and is more comfortable around you, whereas she's still trying to win the nanny over. Does that make sense? It's kind of like why after a long day some babies are fussier with their parents than they were with their nanny/sitter/daycare teacher, etc. prior to pickup.

    It will get better. The first month/month and a half were really, really hard for DS and me. It was so hard to adjust, but now that we have, and life has normalized, I feel like I can finally think clearly again. I still struggle with guilt from getting frustrated with DS rather than cherishing every moment, but I think that comes with motherhood, regardless of if you SAH or work.

    Hang in there, you'll both be ok! I promise!




    image
    image

    [Deleted User]
  • My advice, which is vastly different than the others, get her out of your room and into her crib.  I say this from experience.  Once I moved my daughter at around 4 months she slept through the night consistently. After they go through the 4 month wakeful they tend to wake up very easily and you could be waking her up.   Also, once she is gone from your room have your DH get up with her.  When I got up with either of my children they wanted to nurse if DH got up with them usually just a quick rock and back to sleep if they were not happy in 20 minutes then I went in to nurse.  Both of my kids were going down awake and sleeping 12 hours by 5 months so there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Personally I think it is harder when they start sleeping all night here and there I would no sooner get use to sleep and would get a curve ball.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker BabyFruit Ticker
    sdlaura
  • My advice, which is vastly different than the others, get her out of your room and into her crib.  I say this from experience.  Once I moved my daughter at around 4 months she slept through the night consistently. After they go through the 4 month wakeful they tend to wake up very easily and you could be waking her up.   Also, once she is gone from your room have your DH get up with her.  When I got up with either of my children they wanted to nurse if DH got up with them usually just a quick rock and back to sleep if they were not happy in 20 minutes then I went in to nurse.  Both of my kids were going down awake and sleeping 12 hours by 5 months so there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Personally I think it is harder when they start sleeping all night here and there I would no sooner get use to sleep and would get a curve ball.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker BabyFruit Ticker
  • Going back to work is a big adjustment for both you and your little one.  Rest assured it does get better!  Give it a few weeks, and you'll have your routine done a lot better.  My first week back to work was awful.  I cried and cried, and it broke my heart to see DS when I picked him up at daycare.  He was like a zombie baby because he wasn't napping there.  It took him about a week or two to adjust.  Now, at 16 months, DS is thriving at daycare! 

    I advise against hiring a sleep trainer this young (or ever, but particularly this young).  Babies this young will go through multiple sleep patterns, and if you get the baby sleeping through the night now, chances are it won't last.  We room shared and that helped.  And I drink an inordinate amount of caffeine everyday from being sleep deprived. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
       
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

     

  • PP have given good advice but one thing I would like to add is that you really need to have a conversation with your husband about expectations. Since you just went back to work, he is probably used to you being the primary caregiver for your child and it sounds like he might not know how to take care of her (this is based on what you said in your post). Maybe think about a way for you to split the middle of the night stuff - you can BF and he can take her when you are done (if she is still awake) for an hour and then trade off.

    Another way he can help is with household chores - my husband was in charge of washing all my pump parts when I BF and when baby started formula, he was the main person in charge of making bottles. He also does the bottle prep for day care. The first few days are rough but you will settle into a rhythm.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    jf198400
  • I had trouble going back to work with DD.  Also, I was in the same boat as you.  I am the financial contributor to the house.  DH is extras and I am bills.  I resented him so badly and it comes up every now and again from time to time.  Either way, my dad broke it down best for me and it is what keeps me doing what I do.  My mother worked (so did my dad) and my dad asked me:

    Do you think you had a bad childhood because your mom worked?

    And no I did not.  In fact I have a wonderful, warm and loving mother who made time when she had time.  She lived by the motto "the laundry and dishes can wait, however the board game with my 5 yr old cannot"  She was attentive and still the only person I want when I am sick and upset.  This being said, I WANT my daughter to see me work.  I want her to see her value and someday to learn to support herself and not need a man for his money.  I feel the best way to teach that is to show it.

    I know it is rough, but know that you are doing something WONDERFUL for your LO!

     

    Thank you for this perspective. :)
    BabyFruit Ticker
    [Deleted User]
  • It does get better.  My DD slept through the night in a crib by 12 weeks, so when I went back to work at 14 weeks I only had to get up occasionally.  Some babies take longer.  I would also recommend putting your DD in a crib at this age. 

     I BF as well and prior to DD sleeping so well I would pump enough that I could feed DD and then go to bed at 8 and sleep for like 4-5 hours until the next feeding.  DH would handle any feeding between 8-1 or so.  This saved my sanity. 

    You need to have a talk with your DH about sharing childcare responsibilities 50/50.  Anything less is unacceptable.  But you have no right to be resentful of him because you make more.  You knew that when you decided to have a baby with him. 

    Otherwise, we have a cleaning service and I hired a mother's helper for two-three evenings a week during DD's first two years.  She would come over at 5 and just help me with all childcare, laundry, dinner prep, etc.  DH works a job where he travels a lot so this was immensely helpful.   She still babysits for us now.  Lifesaver. 

    It will get better.  Hang in there.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I bed shared with DS until about 10 months. It worked well. Dd slept in a rock and play until about 6 months, then I moved her to the crib in her room. Everything will be much easier in a few weeks when you are not sick and you have all had time to adjust. If you and DH are both working full time, then parenting has to be 50/50. My husband had to step up because I worked overnights every 3rd to 4th night when DS was a baby. Your DH needs one on one time with LO to learn to be a dad.
    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  • My child HATES to be in bed with us and always has, other than a 10 min cuddle and story session before bed. She adores her crib. The first time I laid her in it, at 6 wks, she was asleep in under 10 minutes and slept through the night. (I only put her in there to go pack her diaper bag. When I came back, I was like "huh, I guess you're transitioning to your crib from the R&P.) so if she's still in your room, try getting her to hers. 14 wks isn't a crazy time for her to start sleeping thru the night. We used The Baby Whisperer method, and it worked like a charm. And ditto to a serious wtf talk with DH. He's a 100% parent just like you. If he can go to a daddy boot camp, send him! Our hospital had one. It teaches Dad to change diapers, feed, bathe, etc. and that babies aren't as fragile as most men fear.
    [Deleted User]
  • Going back to work does suck but it does get better.  Honestly, I would rather SAH but we just can't afford it right now.  (I too carry the health benefits and make more than DH)  It has helped to focus on the positives.  I don't think about what I'm missing with DD during the day.  Instead I think about how wonderful it is that I am able to work and provide for my family.  I'm able to save money for her for college, I am able to put a roof over her head and buy her clothing, I am able to feed her healthy foods, etc.  

    As for the sleeping, have you ever considered bringing you LO into bed with you.  We have bedshared since DD was born (she's almost 2) and it is such a wonderful bonding experience.  It couldn't be with her during the day but at least I had this special time with her at night.  There are ways to do it safely.  And I feel so much more rested than if I had to get my butt up out of bed every time DD cried for me.
    [IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/152ox13.jpg[/IMG]
  • It does get better, day 2 is harder than day 1, from experience. The nanny is not raising her, you are. The nanny is caring for her during the day, but she's probably sleeping a bunch of that, and honestly at 12 weeks old, the smiles are random, so I would definitely not take that personally.

    For sleep- I've tried cosleeping, having her sleep in the same room but not the same bed, and having her sleep in her own room. By far, we got more sleep with her in her own bed, own room. When we co-slept, she'd wake up to comfort nurse constantly. I can't sleep while she is nursing, and so that wasn't restful for me. When she was sleeping next to us, all of her little noises kept me awake all night. She sleeps in her room now, she wakes for one very early morning feeding around 3 or 4 am (after going to sleep around 8 pm) and then she goes back down until about 6:30 am when I wake her to nurse one more time before I go to work.

    Life is a bit chaotic as a working mom with an infant, I won't lie. Nursing adds to the lack of time and extra work of pumping/washing pump parts, but it's worth it. It gives you an excuse to sit down with the baby and have that extra bonding time. Make sure you have enough pumping stuff to go a couple of days without washing, better still if you can never hand wash them or the bottles, if you have a dishwasher. We bought enough bottles and pumping parts to get through 3 full days without washing, we put them in the dishwasher Tuesday night and at that point I still have bottles and parts enough for Wednesday without having to unload the dishwasher. Then we put them in the dishwasher again Friday night or Saturday. This has saved a ton of time during the week. I only carry one set of pumping parts to work, I keep them in a ziploc bag in the cooler rather than washing them each time, works great!

    Don't fight the baby to go to sleep. My LO wasn't ready for an 8 pm bedtime until about 7 months. She stayed up until about 11 pm for a long time. Use that time to spend with her, rather than using the time frustrating trying to get her to go down before she is ready. Lie in bed with her when you are not feeling well and show her books, and nurse. She just wants to be near you and it will be good for you emotionally, too.

    Try not to be too hard on DH. Dads have their own way of doing things, and we might not agree with them, but we can't expect them to be exactly as we are.

    You will be ok, things do get easier. You will have your rough periods here and there with growth spurts/sleep regression, etc, but you get through it.

    Lastly, I think a sleep training coach sounds like a huge scam/gimmick. There is no magic method to get a baby to sleep, they usually do it on their own terms or you can research the various sleep methods that you could do on your own. If your mom wants to spend money to help you, have her hire you a part time house cleaner or one of those programs that does mostly prepared ahead meals that you just thaw and bake.

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
  • It will get better. It can be really hard at first and you being sick is not helping. PP had lots of good ideas. However, I would NOT recommend co-sleeping unless you really are totally desperate! If you wind up co-sleeping here and there on your own b/c it's just the best you can do, then fine. But don't try it b/c others suggested it. It definitely is not as safe as a child in his/her own bed, plus, you don't want to start the bed-sharing habit if you don't have to! Our local community keeps profiling co-sleeping deaths in the paper as part of an effort to reduce infant mortality and it's so very sad. I did co-sleep here and there when my DS got over 6 mos of age b/c I was desperate with him--he had reflux and didn't sleep through the night regularly until he was two--but I wouldn't personally do it with a 14 week old and would only do it as a last resort. 

    It truly will get better and your child will know that you are the mom. What you are doing providing a good income and benefits is part of being a good parent, too, just like the time you spend at home. 
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • I completely agree with SnickSnack.  I would move her to her own room.  I bet you all sleep MUCH better after that.  

    Others have given great advice already.  It will get easier.  Especially if you have a good talk with DH.  Outsource - cleaning, cooking, whatever.  It's okay if your house is a mess and you order take out 3x/week - with acceptance comes peace.  :)   It's a major life adjustment.  Everyone goes through what you're going through when working with kids. Don't be hard on yourself.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards