So, I returned to work yesterday after 14 weeks home with my amazing daughter. I so loved be a SAHM. I had a fever but knew I couldn't call in even though my boss is out of the office. DD decided not to sleep the night prior but I fought through it and was surprisingly okay leaving the house yesterday and throughout the day. Our nanny sent me the cutest pics. When I got home I completely lost it - one smile from her and I felt like the worst mom for being gone all day and then for being sick which made it hard to pick her up and love on her. I was so wiped out that I only got 15min with her before needing to lay down ... fast forward to her bed time. She only slept for 40min before waking up screaming and wiggling and was wide awake until 1am. I broke down last night feeling like I had spent more time frustrated at her for not letting me sleep than happily spending quality time with her. I am now on 4 hours of sleep, fever is down and when I left this morning she was wide awake. She wouldn't smile for me but had a huge one for the nanny as soon as she walked through the door. I left the house a complete mess... not sure if it's the sleep deprivation, being sick or just the shear unhappiness of having to leave my little girl for 10 hours every day while someone else gets to raise her. I'm meant to do that. I'm her mom.
And then it leaves me resentful of DH... I make twice as much as him and he has shitty benefits. AND last night when I wanted to take a nap for 30min he said "what do I do with her?" ... and he only helped me for 30min of the 3hour marathon of trying to get her to sleep. And who slept in later this morning? Him. I feel like he doesn't understand I need support too - we are both working now.
My mom has offered to pay for a sleep training coach... i'm seriously considering it even though she is only 14wks old. I don't know how i'll be able to survive working 5-6 days per week, 10 hour days in a high stress job & spend quality time with DD without being a sick zombie.
Please tell me this gets easier... please tell me it's all worth it.