Combating Hopelessness?

Margritli

I haven't really had time to process my BFN from December yet, because I have been so incredibly (and ridiculously) busy with school. It is finally Friday and I have a little bit of time off. I got home this afternoon, put my bags down, and the next thing I know I have tears just streaming down my face. 

I should be looking forward to the RE appt. on Monday. I haven't had a WTF appointment, because the office was closed for the holidays, and I have had literally no time at all since they reopened. DH can hardly wait for the FET cycle, which he is hopeful will happen in Feb. I basically just want to get it over again. I don't believe that it is going to work for us. I just want to move on with my life. 

Things are in general not so great for me right now. We made a lot of major life changes, because we were planning for a family, like most people here, I guess. And I was, of course, the one who has made the most changes, adjustments, adaptions - things that I am more than willing to do for our children, but there are no children, there is no family. I am living in a place that isn't intended for a young couple with no children and pursuing a further schooling in a field which is not my dream field, but compatible with a family. Worst of all, I just don't believe in IVF anymore. I don't believe that it is going to work and that makes this all so much harder to bear. 

I feel so hopeless, and I don't know what to do. Please tell me that this will get easier with time. 

happygirl1013

I'm 2+ years into this process, the IF situation doesn't get better, but my attitude towards it has improved.  We also made a ton of changes anticipating children back in 2011, and now we're in 2014, and still childless and I feel foolish for making some of the life changes we did thinking we'd get pregnant so quickly.  

I can't control my IF situation, but I've learned I can control my attitude.  I'm to the point now, where i honestly believe, whatever is going to happen is going to happen and my freaking out and sadness won't change anything, it will only add stress which can hurt my situation.  

Good luck.

vpine

I'm 3 yrs in and I totally understand, my IVF #1 in December failed too and I'm having serious doubts that future FETs will work, I am scared (which I've commented on before on other posts on this board) but if you look at it this way - we've had ONE IVF attempt. I don't think we should lose ALL hope till we can say we tried several times and did all we could and didn't work. This board and online searching keeps me hopeful (at least a bit) because some have taken 2-6 attempts to get their BFP.

If it gets too much, I suggest taking a break or seeing a therapist. I've seriously considered seeing a therapist for depression or to get rid of my 'I'm a loser because I don't have a baby' mentality on my bad sad days. It doesn't get easier with time, I'm being honest and not trying to sound like a debbie downer but infertility is hard.

Good luck on your Feb FET, we are aiming for the same, just waiting for AF to arrive any moment now so I can start the pills necessary.

Aurora1181

Seeing a therapist once a month since IVF 1 failed in June has been a god send. She has helped me process my anger and come up with strategies to handle hopelessness. I would be a totally different person without her.

Hugs to you. It's hard out there for an IF girl.

babydreams13

I totally understand. My RE gave us such high percentages with IVF working for us. Here I am 2 IVFS and a FET later with nothing to show for it and no real answers. It really sucks especially when it seems like everyone around you is preg and easily. 

Now I go about this whole thing thinking if it happens it happens. Nothing I can do but try. Hopefully there is a miracle waiting for me.  

O2girl

Hugs lady!

My journey hasn't been easy either; nor do I believe anyone's on this board has been. IF chips away at our hearts and souls. I never expected to be where I am; that being said I know where you are coming from. Staying positive through one of the most trying parts of my life has proven to be not only difficult, but at times impossible. Just know you aren't alone in this and we are here for you to vent to anytime!

Margritli

Thanks, ladies. Sometimes it just helps to know that I am not the only one going through this. We are somewhat in the closet about IVF and the few people who know try to be supportive, but the "just believe and it will happen" from them makes me feel even more lonely and hopeless sometimes. 

ETA: The questions/comments about having children from strangers, friends, family and acquaintances have just started rolling in, which has been wearing at me lately, too. 

Tenyearwait

I started working out and doing yoga. It helps to focus on something else because IF was taking over every aspect of my life.

pblge

I'm so sorry. *hugs* This journey is just crappy, and it's not fair that any of us have to deal with this. I have found that I can wait out even my most hopeless stages. I just focus on trying to trust my doctor (and I think if you can't trust your doctor you should consider getting a second opinion) and go through the steps of whatever the treatment plan is. The optimism will return eventually if I just wait. As others have said IF was taking over my life, so I've been trying to put it in a smaller box, if you will. I've been trying to get excited about my job again, and find other fun projects to work on that distract me. (Garden planning!) Taking care of myself also helps. Those exercise endorphins can make a big difference on the days that I just want to stand in the street and scream at people.

We've also started talking about stop dates and other options in case the next round of IVF doesn't work. I'm trying to be a bit more at peace with the possibility of not having a biological child that comes from both of us. We recently started seeing a couple's counselor to work through that together. For me it's helpful to visualize happiness in different scenarios, in case this thing doesn't work in the end.

I also try to never talk about children with anyone that hasn't experienced miscarriages and/or infertility. The others just don't get it, and I find them unhelpful. Very few people know we're doing IVF, and the handful that do are really supportive, mostly because they've been there.

As for the questions, I've gotten gradually ruder about them. At this point I just roll my eyes and say, "Ugh, I hate that question. You have no idea how often we hear it." I try to do this with a small smile and quickly find something else to discuss. One IVF woman I know, when asked when they plan on having children, asks when they plan to die. I love it, but don't think I have the chutzpah to do it.