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blahswife

Hi my name is Dana and I wanted to introduce myself here. I have two step children born during my marriage and 2different BM. My Ss is 6 and I've always been able to deal with him ok. My SD is 3 and has only been coming around in the last year. Well my problem is that now I'm pregnant with my second and it's a girl my son is 14 and he is also MH son. Lately (the last week) I've been really having an issue with my SD I realize it's silly but I just feel some type of jealousy towards her I guess. She only speaks when she wants something. I'm probably just having hormonal issues but I feel like my daughter won't get the same attention. I've been crying for the past 3 days Everytime he comes home with her and I just don't know how to shake these feelings.

ambrvan

Just to clarify... Your husband cheated on you and fathered two children while married to you? Am I reading this correctly?

blahswife

Yes that's right.

CurlyQ284

Hooooo boy.

CurlyQ284

Is there a reason you think your daughter won't get the same attention? I'm sure everything will be fine with the children....

SimpleJane

Um. Wow.

coopsbaby

Yeah, I've got nothing.

nurrieum

Okay, could it be that because of infidelity you're feeling insecure? There's not a lot to go on here but perhaps you haven't throughly dealt with the cheating. (is this mud or for real?)

SimpleJane

On the off chance this is real....

Are you in therapy? Of course you resent the kids, I feel like those are totally normal feelings considering your H decided to go outside of your marriage and make the decision to father children that you have to help raise without your permission. Get into therapy and learn how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way.......

Hopefully the counselor could also convince you to leave the douche, or at least stop making children with him.

+just+j+

I too suggest therapy. I can't believe you are still with this guy. I am sorry but to stay with him after he fathered two children with two different women....I think you have a lot of insecurity and fears. Rightfully so. But you are projecting them on a child. Kudos to you for recognizing this and voicing your concern here, that's a start, but you really should seek out some professional help to deal with everything you have going on in your head. And...please....stop having kids with this man.

blahswife

No it's no t mud. It's real. I was in therapy it helped a little but now I think the fact that I actually got pregnant again and I'm not getting the attention I need right now it's bringing up the issues again.
Also since I got pregnant I was trying to ween off my meds but recently the OB and psychiatrist thought it wasn't a good idea. I agreed to go back onto the meds. I've noticed a change in the way I had been coping so it was probably best.
When my step son was conceived we were seperated for a short time and I had handled that a lot differently. It's the little girl being here that caused me so many problems. I'm really an introvert and really can't see myself in a dating situation and I also didn't think I would ever get pregnant again. I'm not angry with my SD I'm angry with him but seeing him with her lately had really been difficult for me.
Eta:best not blessed

+just+j+

So basically, you would rather stay with him instead of be on your own and start over? And what does he say at all about any of this? Does he even know his actions and cheating have affected you this badly? Maybe he should go to therapy with you. I think you may have some unresolved issues that need to be addressed with him directly. Honestly....I don't know how you can stay with someone who did this to you. Being on your own is hard, but I would rather be alone than be disrespected and treated like crap. I would be furious.

blahswife

We went to therapy shortly he refuses to go now. When I first found out about the daughter he denied her. He claimed he wouldn't do anything for her until he got a paternity test. It was a year before he began to see her at least to my knowledge. He claimed he wanted to change and be a better man. I was in the army when she was born and when I got out I really didn't have anywhere for me and my son to go. I guess I feel trapped and have felt this way for a very long time. I convinced myself that divorce wasn't right for me since I don't come from a divorced family. It was my intention to at least wait until my son was older before I left and I didn't think I could have anymore kids. I guess in some way I thought my stepchildren could replace me not having anymore. I was also determined for these children to have a relationship with each other. Honestly I believe if it weren't for me pushing MH into taking care of his daughter, he would still be denying her.

hopanka

The thing is that you shouldn't want to shake those feelings, that's your inner voice of reason telling you that you are in an effed up situation that you should get out of. Don't try to BS yourself instead, so you can foolishly go along with your husbands twisted idea of marriage. He sounds like a real POS. You know he will do this to you again, right?

ambrvan

Ok, so I have gathered from this brief thread:
- he has been unfaithful multiple times
- he is a liar
- he will lie and deny the truth until forced into a corner
- he refuses to take responsibility for his mess unless forced to
- he does not want to repair the damage that was done or "change" and become a "better man" (if he did, he would be going to therapy with you regardless of what he thinks about therapy for himself, this is about him making things right with YOU not himself)
- he does not feel guilty or ashamed (if he did, he would be SHOWING CHANGE in his EVERY ACTION, THOUGHT, and WORD)
- he is a crappy father (if he up and decides to leave, or vice versa, you think he will continue a relationship with his daughter and this new baby?)
- he is feeling pretty cool because he suffers no real consequences for any of the terrible things he has done, not only to you, but to all of the children involved (your son, your unborn LO, and his other two children) because he still gets to have his cake and eat it, too

Your feelings are completely valid and justifiable, but you don't seem to see that. Look at that long list. Even if you have had some hand in tearing down your relationship, can you match that list tit for tat? You are accepting his EXTRA-MARITAL children into YOUR HOME, for goodness sakes! That alone makes up for anything you could have ever possibly done. You need to get YOU straight. This is NOT your fault.

I am the last person here to ever say that anyone should divorce or separate or whatever, but really? You have given him chances. It sounds like you have/are trying to make this work. But I see nothing in your posts that even hints that he has any interest or care in this marriage anymore.

Don't EVER use your insecurities as a reason to stay with someone. I am always for people working their problems out. I think way too many marriages end way to easily. But this doesn't sound healthy for you or any of these kids.

As as you being an introvert and not seeing yourself dating again... Um, who said you have to date? Who said you ever have to get involved with anyone else again? You have some major wounds that need to heal first. And that will take time. You sound very dependent. I completely understand. I am an introvert, as well (I even just made a thread about it on this board a few days ago) and I am a bit dependent on my husband because he really is the only social interaction that does not make me nervous. I often wonder what I would do if he wasn't around. But the bottom line is that I could and would make it on my own f I had to. I have always kept that in mind. I don't NEED my husband. I WANT him. I love him. But I don't NEED him. You don't either. Start taking steps now to get yourself into that mindset.

If you are planning on leaving him later, why wait? It's not going to be any easier on any of the kids when they get older, I promise. My mom told me she was divorcing my dad when I was 18, and I was devastated. I knew it would happen. I could see it. I guarantee that as a teenager, your son can see it, too. And then even after I met my husband and was pregnant with my son, she got remarried, and it hurt still. What makes you think that it's going to hurt your son any less in a few years than it will now? Doing it now would probably be a relief in a lot of ways for everyone.

docco11

How are you going to explain to your children why they have siblings when their parents were married the whole time?  

Look, no one here is going to be able to tell you how to cope.  You need to work with your therapist on this.  But, you seriously need to look at how your husband is treating you and your family and see how this is going to effect them growing up. Especially your 14 YO.  He is old enough and he will think that his dad treating you like this is "ok" and repeat the cycle.  I personally would want better for my children.

blahswife

I realize the negative impact my relationship with MH has had on my son. I do hope that the other positive influences that were put forth in his life take precedence over the negative.
It is because of my soon to be daughter that I feel like something has to change and my views aren't the best. It's because of the stressors that were placed on my son that I won't let my daughter go through the same things. I have been and will continue to work on the mental health issues that I have to ensure I can be a better mother. As far as explaining to my children as PP have said my son is well aware of the problems and dysfunction. I actually feel most sorry for the illegitimate children because they are the ones that will be confused. My LO my have some questions but I truly doubt it will be an issue when she gets old enough to understand.
As far as friends go there aren't any friends that can help me. I'm pretty much on my own. I've asked him to leave but the best I can get at this point is him to sleep in the living room.

+just+j+

Hopanka is right. You should not deny your inner voice. There is a reason for it. You don't have a place to go? Then get to therapy. Work on you. Find your strength and tell your therapist you want to leave and need help with a plan. Women in worse circumstances have walked out with nothing and survived. You can too.

nurrieum

I can't judge your marriage but it sounds like you want out. Teaching your children healthy relationships begins with you. You sound like you feel trapped, that can't be what you want for you're kids. This however is the lesson this shows them, that it is okay to be controlled, disrespected, and afraid in what is supposed to be the safe place. You are able to break from what holds you, fear doesn't have to paralyze or own you, and you and children deserve an environment of healthy relationships. A therapist can help you make a plan, this could be beautifully freeing for you. I imagine terrifying but not impossible. You deserve to be loved, clearly this is not love, I don't care what he says during his guilty and or manipulative honeymoon period. You deserve love, however internet strangers aren't going to convince you. Start small, see a therapist and make a friend. Talk about it, even start online if you're not ready to go out and look, if you have a faithmake a friend at church, start trying tohave a life outside of this man, you may start to see it's okay to leave.

twister22

My heart hurts for you. I too come from a family of no divorce, so I empathize with not wanting to be a divorcee. I think people leave marriages WAY too easily, and I think many people don't put forth true effort to salvage their marriage. HOWEVER, you are SO FAR PAST this point, it's scary. Your husband is a cheater, a liar, a manipulator, and an abuser. If there was every a reason for divorce, all of those are it. Either kick him out (change the locks, file a restraining order) or take your son and leave, go live with family for awhile if you have to. I am a SAHM and DH handles all the finances, but if I needed to leave, I would make it happen.

You are teaching your son that the way you are being treated is acceptable. How are you going to feel when your son turns into your husband? Won't that break your heart? Won't you be embarrassed and ashamed?

If you don't get out for yourself, get out for your kids. I can put up with a lot of shit, but let me tell you, if you mess with my kids you will pay. Please, please, PLEASE love your kids enough to not put them through this any longer.