Non-bio Moms

ebrumini9782

I'm a soon to be mom, 8 weeks and counting! I have Been having a lot of fears and concerns involving the experience of not being the biological mother to our child. I'd love to hear from other non bio moms about their fears and anxieties and how they coped with those

Manada

whoh nellie this is something I've turned over and over in my brain!

My partner and I are now on this partner IVF path, following a long road of fertility treatments and infertility diagnoses - not nearly as long as some, but long enough to leave me feeling a bit damaged.   In the past 18 months since we officially started "planning" our TTC journey we have gone through dozens of permutations of parenting options, choices and coming to grips with how our parenting roles would play out.  

As someone who is not expecting the imminent arrival of a baby, I can't imagine being where you are, but CONGRATS on your impending parenthood!    I can only speak from where I come from now, and that will most certainly change as time goes on:

I'm not going to be a genetic parent to our children.  However, one of the beautiful things about partner IVF is that there will be a biological connection between us both and our offspring.  I love that even my conservative grandparents will "get" the concept of us both our child(ren)'s parents without question.   That feels like one of the silver linings to all of the pain we've gone through to get to this point.

I struggled a lot with the idea of being a non-bio, and non-pregnant parent - mostly because I was afraid of being socially, physically, and discursively set aside from my family.  I was worried I'd always feel "less than" as a parent.   I think that was my biggest fear.   It's something I knew I could/would overcome, but it was the biggest thing I struggled with.    

As a non-genetic parent, one thing I have grieved, and still grieve in some ways --- is that I won't be able to see myself reflected in my kids.  I find myself studying my partner and her parents for links between them.   We ended up switching donors to find one that looked a bit more like me than our first donor.

I think for me, and perhaps us, one thing that we have both discussed is how we will share our roles in parenting and mothering.   My partner has talked about inducing lactation, and we have also discussed using supplemental nursing systems as well to give her the opportunity to share in breastfeeding and that bonding time.  For both of us, one of our fears was privileging the pregnant parent's physical relationship with our child - and how that would impact our relationships with the child and each other.   We've worked and talked a lot both about ways we will work to equalize it, and ways that we can support each other to overcome those fears and stresses.

I've done some work in queer community, and ways that other families have coped with some of their fears and anxieties were that the non-bio parent wore the baby out whenever they were at community events -- that way her parentage was always recognized first, regardless of whether or not she had given birth.    Things like that always seemed like a great idea....

Karlamo

My situation is unique in the sense that I am the bio mom but not carrying the baby. We started off TTC with my wife and after a year of iui's and failed ivf cycles she was dx with low egg reserve. We then decided to use my eggs in her basket and it worked, she's 35 weeks along.
While going thru TTC I was anxious about not being prego and not being related to my baby. I read the book "She looks just like you" which is written by a non bio-non carrying partner. It was a good read and made me feel less alone.
I'm also going through lactation induction. I want to be able to breast feed and be a part of that bonding. So that may be something you would want to look into too.

newmompeanut

I can't speak from a nonbiological mom standpoint, as I am the bio mom.  I can say though that there is a connection that B, my partner and non-bio mom, has with N that I don't.  When N was a newborn I could see that B was struggling to form a unique connection with N, but it was just something that happened naturally with time.  N is now 11 months and her connection with B (and vise versa) is incredibly strong.  To be completely honest, it's a connection that sometimes I am even jealous of. 

healz413

My partner @Manada has already given our story and really covered a lot of the stuff that we've talked about in our family about our fears about being non-pregnant or non-genetic parents.

I don't know if you noticed, but Manada used different language than some people use in that she used the phrases "genetic parent" and "pregnant parent." We've had a lot of conversations about language and what it means to us. One of the things I knew early on (when our plan was still to knock M up with her own eggs) was that I did not like to hear the term "biological mom" or "biological mother" used in reference to the role she would play. We talked about how we could make the language less "triggering" for me, and one of the things for me (that i'm sure I read elsewhere--perhaps one this board) was using language that spoke to the particular roles that were being addressed as opposed to something that sounded like it was more about a relationship. So, if we were talking about pregnancy and birth and that experience we could use the term "pregnant parent" or if about breastfeeding and the needs for increased time off or a nearby daycare, we could say the "breastfeeding parent."
The other component of this is that the term "mom" or "mother" is so privileged in our society and the idea of people having only one "real" mom is super hard to shake even if only at subconscious levels. So, for me, using the terms "parent" "partner" or "person" instead of "mom" or "mother" also makes me feel a lot better about things. (Plus it has the benefits of being gender neutral).

So, I've asked M if we can use the terms "genetic parent" and "pregnant parent" and she has agreed. These make me feel much less redflaggy about my own insecurities. Plus, since we are doing partner IVF, we will both have a biological role (in different ways, obviously) and so using "genetic" to describe my role instead of "biological" works for us in general and avoids the "real" mom feeling that it can otherwise have.

I don't know if this will make sense to others, but I wanted to share.

StacyLH24

@healz413 - Thank you for sharing the wording you and @Manada are using.  Our current plan is for me to carry.  I'm really bothered by the words "biological mother", "nonbio parent", etc.  I don't want C to ever feel like she isn't a mom/mother to our children.  I'm pretty sure that I worry/stress over this more than she does.  I just want it to be very clear to everyone that our children belong to both of us, no matter what the biological connection is. 

lamaitresse

@healz413 - this is actually very similar to language that our clinic's social worker suggested we use. "non-bio" doesn't really sit well with me either, but in our relationship it is more Smurf who has to come to terms with what the wording means to her. Thanks for sharing how you and @Manada are approaching it.

newmompeanut

@stringy813, can we switch locations?!  B and I are asked on almost a daily basis who "mom" is.  We simply tell people that we both are, but the confused look of their faces tells us that they don't get it.  But I guess that's to be expected in Northwestern Wisconsin!

ebrumini9782

@manada I totally agree with you when you talk about your fears about being less of a parent than my partner. I am worried about how our child will question who gave birth to them but I know we are both his/her mom. However, the explanation still scares me. I don't want my child or family to view me as anything less than their parent. 

I also agree with being able to see me and my child. We picked a donor that has similar traits to me, as well as similar personality traits but it certainly isn't the same as blood. PM or or talk to me here about the inducing lacatation. I am interested in it, but afraid to bring it up to my partner. 

ebrumini9782

@Karlamo I am looking to find that book at the local library now, just on the waiting list. Does any one know any other good books?

ebrumini9782

I agree with everyone with the word non-bio isn't an appeasing word. It makes me feel more of less than as a parent. 

ebrumini9782

I'm needing some support from non-pregnant parents right now. I went to the doctors today for a routine visit and when asking questions was asked if I had any children. I told her no, but was expecting. She asked if I was pregnant and I answered telling her no my partner is. In reply she told me Oh, you're that kind of parent I pray for that child. I have never been so disrespected and discriminated against since I came out when I was 13. I know this is something we must deal with each day but I don't know how to handle the hurt and pain from this visit. 

Karlamo

@ebrumini9782, that's the only one I've come across that's written from that pov. There's another book I'm planning on reading, Times Two by Kristen Henderson that talks about her and her wife's simultaneous pregnancy.
I'm also doing lactation induction if you have any questions. My wife is 35 weeks prego and I've been following the Newman Goldfarb long protocol. I just started pumping last week and already have milk coming in.

ebrumini9782

@Karlamo I definitely have questions about inducing lactation. PM me. 

themarquis0

I am the non-gestational mom (we don't really use the term non-bio personally).

Honestly, it was hard at first - harder than I expected.  I think before DD was born, I had a puppies and rainbows view of motherhood where I assumed that both of us would have the same kind of nurturing, cuddling, mothering relationship toward DD.  I imagined me carrying her around in a sling a lot and equally splitting the mothering responsibilities iwth my partner.   We both figured that the biological fact that my wife carried the baby was really NBD and wouldn't have an influence over our family dynamics once the baby was born.

We were wrong.

The cold hard reality is that being a mom is hard.  Being a non-gestational mom (NGM?) is even harder in some ways.  It took a while for me to fully bond with DD.  Obviously, I loved her right away but I didn't have the sort of immediate 'I'm in love' sort of thing that I think my partner did.  As the NGM, you don't have the benefit of the natural flood of bonding hormones that a GM does. 

Then there was the issue of breastfeeding.  I really had no idea before DD was here how much breastfeeding is formative of parenting relationships.  If I had, I might have more strongly considered inducing lactation.  Basically, the breastfeeding physically ties you to a baby aroudn the clock from day 1.  If you are not the breastfeeder, you have lots of freedom but the baby doesn't associate you with food, nurturing, comforting, and sleeping, so it is way too easy to sort of check out and not be fully involved since honestly, the baby really doesn't care about you at all (as a newborn that is).  And because as a new parent you're exhausted and overwhelmed, it's hard to force yourself not to check out at least part of the time and let the other parent do a lot of extra work.  As harried new parents, you also get into the 'whatever is easiest' pattern - for example, the baby associates the breastfeeder with sleeping, so if the breastfeeder puts her to bed all the time, baby will fall asleep more quickly and there will be less crying.  Therefore, you let the breastfeeder do all the sleeping-related duties (which is like half the day with a newborn). And while the breastfeeder is laboring, you're just so freaking tired so you might try to help out by washing a few bottles but then you just lie on the couch like a lump  the rest of the time (or maybe I'm just lazy, because that's what I did!!)  The breakdown of labor is just really really unequal, in any case.

All of this creates a vicious cycle in terms of bonding -- the more checked out you are, the less you labor --> the harder it is to bond.

So yeah, things were a little rough at first. Our situation was compounded by the fact that my wife was staying home and I was working in the beginning and also our baby was super fussy/colicy.  We got to a point when DD would just scream her head off whenever I tried to rock her -- she very strongly prefered my wife for the first few month.  This was heartbreaking and I shed many tears over the situation.  For a long time, I really thought my baby hated me and that I was a terrible mom.

So that was the first few months.  After that, things got a lot better.  DD started to be more interactive, stopped having such as strong preference for my wife, and stopped being as fussy.  The bonding happened over time, and now I think we are well bonded.  I do still have a lot of doubts though about whether I am a good enough mom.  I do feel like my wife does a lot more work and has a more nurturing relationship with the baby.  I'm more like the 'fun mom' who comes home from work and plays with her than the warm and fuzzy mom.  I'm not as comfortable being alone with DD for long periods of time.  I know I can do it but I always feel like I don't totally know what I'm doing and get anxious about it.  Things have gotten better over time so I really do hope by the time DD is a couple years old (wife will be working then) we will have a more equal relationship, DD and I will have a great repore, breastfeeding won't be an issue, and that in general, I will be happier about the kind of mom it turns out I am (rather than the puppies and rainbows kind of mom I imagined I would be). 

firstcomeslove2013

@Karlamo

I will be sending you a PM as well if you don't mind.

Thanks!