OAD but H not sure

tifdaski84

Hi all!

When we were planning kids, we always thought we'd have two.  Well, then it took us a little longer than anticipated to get pregnant and the baby stage was just not fun for either of us so we decided we were OAD and happy about it.  Now LO is 19 months old and H is thinking he'd like another but I'm still feeling OAD.  Did any of you deal with this?  How did you resolve it?  I almost feel like my "vote" should count for more since I'd be the one getting pregnant, delivering, taking leave, BFing, etc, etc, but maybe that's selfish.  I don't want him to resent me for saying no or to feel like his family isn't complete but, at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't have another baby just for his sake.  I don't know, maybe it's just a phase for him right now because LO's been a lot of fun lately.

Thanks is advance!

JackoftheBox

DH wants another. But I am still on the fence. Just wait it out there is no rush. When you know either way I think you just know.

tifdaski84

See, and that's one of his arguments - if we're going to do it, we must do it now because he'll be 40 in a few months.  While it's possible I could be swayed into having another, it wouldn't be for a few years now.  I really hope it passes for him because I don't want another baby (not any time soon anyway) but I don't want to disappoint him either.

kristennd

We went through this. Original plan was two. I realized almost immediately after the birth (before?) that one was plenty. It took DH about two years to agree.

I don't think either partner should have more say than the other. And the crucial thing is patience on both sides. His biological clock isn't helping your situation, of course. But you don't actually have to agree about not ever wanting another child. You just have to agree about not trying for one right now. Shifting that focus can remove a lot of the stress and potential resentment.

tifdaski84

We've had a few heart-to-hearts about it and, while he understands where I'm coming from, he still feels like we're missing a second child.  The last time we talked about it, we said we'd revisit in a few weeks.  Being OAD hit me hard over Christmas when I was home for 2 weeks with LO and we were both sick.  It was rough and, if I was wavering on having a second before that, I was definitely set on OAD after and that's when we last discussed it.  I told him that we'll really sit down and talk about it once everyone was healthy and back to their regular routines.

I guess, just like with every other big decision we've made together, we'll have to sit down and make separate pros and cons lists.  That process has really helped us see the other's point of view before.

Thanks everyone for the replies!

KatieB19

Every time DS gets sick, I am grateful I only have one. I think that situation could make anyone question wanting another.

I'm sorry you are both not in agreement, that can definitely be hard. I hope your talk and pro/con lists turn out well -- and like @kristennd said, you don't have to decide right now never to have a second, you just have to agree that right now is not the time. Good luck!

TiffanyBerry

I'm more on the fence than my husband and he thinks I should have more say than him.

We haven't resolved it yet, but I have realized this isn't about figuring out what either of us wants, it's figuring out what works best for us as a complete family.  A little bit different, for us, than figuring out our own individual answers.

tifdaski84

TiffanyBerry said:

I'm more on the fence than my husband and he thinks I should have more say than him.

We haven't resolved it yet, but I have realized this isn't about figuring out what either of us wants, it's figuring out what works best for us as a complete family.  A little bit different, for us, than figuring out our own individual answers.

The bolded is brilliant.  I'm going to mention this to H.  Thanks!