TTC after SIL had first grandchild

hopefuljellybean

Hi Ladies! Let me preface this post by saying that I really need to vent here.

My SIL just had the first grandchild in the family. My husband and I are overjoyed with our little nephew and are looking forward to watching him grow up. However, I began thinking a few months ago that I wish this was all happening for us. I have never ever been the jealous, competitive type. I'm ashamed to write that this has brought out the worst in me. When my SIL announced she was pregnant after 3 weeks on Mother's Day, I realized it was going to be a long 9 months. Right away my MIL began thanking my SIL for carrying the first grandchild.(Mind you, my MIL had always confided in me that she thought my SIL was selfish, spoiled and stuck-up.) Each time my husband and I saw my MIL after that all she talked about with us is the excitement surrounding the first grandchild and how wonderful my SIL is. She let my SIL pick the resturants every time we got together for dinner. She would hang on my SIL's every word during all of our conversations. (Of course my SIL relished in being the center of attention.) It was seldom that I would get to speak to her about any other topic other than the baby, which I couldn't relate to.This was really painful for me, as I have always been close with my MIL. As the delivery date for the baby got closer, the "baby hysteria" grew to an impossible state. It was then that life started to finally turn around for my husband and I, and we began to think about ttc. We held off because I didn't want my SIL to be angry if we got pregnant during her pregnancy. Now that our nephew is finally here, we just started ttc. I am worried that my MIL won't feel the same about our baby as she did about our nephew. When we saw him in the hospital she kept gushing that he was the most perfect , beautiful baby she had ever seen and she literally wept holding him. I will be crushed if my future baby is made to feel inferior just because of birth order. Is it completely ridiculous to feel this way? Does anyone have a similar experience? I just hope I'm not the only one with these feelings.

hecklet

Yes, I vote that it is pretty ridiculous to feel that way, sorry. Grandparents are always over the moon about any grandchild. Your child will be just as important when they are born.

orangecrush32

Yeah I think you're overreacting a bit. My sister had the first grandchild in the family. My parents were overjoyed. They rushed to be there when she was born and you know what? When they found out I was pregnant out of wedlock they were disappointed for a bit, but they still reacted exactly the same.
They drove from West Virginia to be there when DD was born and they did the same thing for my other sister who lives in NY. Grandparents love all their grandchildren. It just seems like she's so ridiculously excited and that she could never be this excited again , but she will be.

Jags8

OP, I can actually relate to you. I was hoping to be able to give my IL's their first grandchild, and was pretty bummed when my DH's little 20-year-old brother married a woman 8 years older after knowing her for 3 months, and getting KU almost immediately. The only difference is that my MIL didn't care for my SIL, and still doesn't.

While I do actually think the first grandchild is "the most special," they will still love your future babies too. I know that my IL's will still be ecstatic when I get pregnant someday.

Lastly, you can feel however you want about this. Just don't voice these things to any of his family (I only voiced my feelings to DH, who can't relate, but understands what I mean).

hopefuljellybean

Well, at least I feel better having wrote this. I didn't really expect a lot of constructive criticism. From what I saw on a lot of these boards people just like to cut other people down.

Thanks DaisyBlinks and Jags8 for your advice. I needed to vent because I had not really expressed myself to anyone, other than my husband. Even then I didn't really say everything I was thinking. Believe me, I will not expect other people to be super excited to talk constantly about my child. I was so annoyed by that, there's no way I want to do that to anyone else.

Jags8

@hopefuljellybean YGPM

SmileyJay

Yes, it is ridiculous but still understandable. Your child will hold a lot more meaning in life than just "second grand child" and will be just as precious to you and your husband either way. Plus, there is 0% chance of you having the first grandchild now so it is silly to even think that way. All grandparents gush over every grandchild, and ever new baby is the most beautiful, perfect baby to ever live.

I am on the opposite end of this. I am 2 years younger than my sister and she is the oldest grandchild in my family. My grandma is so excited to be a great-grandma (we aren't close to our parents). I feel a bit guilty that we are ttc and will hopefully have the first baby of the new generation even though it feels like that should be my sister. I talked to her about it and she is cool with it - she isn't even in a relationship or anything like that or ready to have kids yet. It is silly, but still it feels out of order. On DH's side, our first will be at least the 4th grandkid/great grandkid but loved just as much as the first one that come 13 years ago! 

Helenahhandbasket

I think you are entitled to your feelings, but you need to get some perspective.

Yes, the first grandchild is exciting, but your family will still be excited for you and your growing family if and when you decide to become pregnant.  Focus on the joy your nephew brings you and all of the wonderful things you have going on in your life.  Busy yourself with friends, hobbies and the freedom that comes with not yet having a little one to care for 24/7.

Your first child will still be the first for YOU and your H.  It sounds like you are defeated before you have even begun this journey.  Don't do that to yourself.

 

 

SmileyJay

Am I missing something? No one seems to be over critical of you here... most answers are just agreeing with you that you are being ridiculous. It is obvious in the wording of your post that you believe you are being pretty silly also. I was trying to be supportive! >>Hugs<<

mmille19

Im not proud but I have felt the same way before even though i know it is ridiculous. When my sister had my first nephew he was spoiled rotten by everyone in the family including myself. When she had my second nephew he was just as loved as the first. I know it will be the same when we have children too so i got over it very quickly.

From everything you wrote it seems like your more jealous of the relationship between your MIL and SIL than you are about the attention on the baby. Maybe you feel a little left out. I know i sometimes feel this way with my inlaws too. My husband has two sisters and they are very close with my MIL. When my SIL had her first baby this year i know i was jealous at times of there bond. Not at the fact that she had a baby but just over there relationship i guess. Even though im close with my mother, we live near my inlaws so we spend a lot of time with them. I know i wont have my mom around as much when i a pregnant so i guess i want a closer relationship with her because she is another mother figure i look up to. And again i know it is crazy for me because they are mother and daughter and they should have a close relationship but i guess i just want a close MIL DIL relationship with her too. We just started TTC and i know when we have a baby they are going to be over the moon about it and cant wait till the little one arrives. Its something i have realized over the year and have been working on trying to build a better relationship with her so i can go to her at anytime with anything. Good luck at TTC!

Jags8

MelRC117 said:

 

Jags8 said:

OP, I can actually relate to you. I was hoping to be able to give my IL's their first grandchild, and was pretty bummed when my DH's little 20-year-old brother married a woman 8 years older after knowing her for 3 months, and getting KU almost immediately. The only difference is that my MIL didn't care for my SIL, and still doesn't.

While I do actually think the first grandchild is "the most special," they will still love your future babies too. I know that my IL's will still be ecstatic when I get pregnant someday.

Lastly, you can feel however you want about this. Just don't voice these things to any of his family (I only voiced my feelings to DH, who can't relate, but understands what I mean).

Eeek.  I'd hate to be your second or third grandchild.

Sorry but I do think the first grandchild is the most exciting. At least in DH's family. Everyone knows who the favorite is among DH and his cousins.

Mysterious_wife

We can add another crazy one to the newb list

Mysterious_wife

We say shit all the time to ILs.

Jags8

@MelRC117 I agree.

SmileyJay

I think if there are several people in the same family ttc or having kids around the same time then yeah the first baby is going to get a little more attention.  It's just that when it was the first baby in a long time everything feels new, exciting, and sweet again.

I guess in that respect we are lucky. On my side it will be the first grandkid/great grand kid on my mom and dad's sides. For DH, it will be the first grandkid for his dad but the fourth for his mom. BUT the youngest grandkid for MIL will be at least 8 by the time ours comes so it has been a long time since there was a little baby around. Our pregnancy and birth will be totally different for his family because the other 3 were all unplanned/out of wedlock/surrounded in drama and tears. That sounds bad, but it is true. Ours would be the first baby that everyone can be openly excited about if that makes sense. 

Helenahhandbasket

TheCraftyKoala said:

I think if there are several people in the same family ttc or having kids around the same time then yeah the first baby is going to get a little more attention.  It's just that when it was the first baby in a long time everything feels new, exciting, and sweet again.

I guess in that respect we are lucky. On my side it will be the first grandkid/great grand kid on my mom and dad's sides. For DH, it will be the first grandkid for his dad but the fourth for his mom. BUT the youngest grandkid for MIL will be at least 8 by the time ours comes so it has been a long time since there was a little baby around. Our pregnancy and birth will be totally different for his family because the other 3 were all unplanned/out of wedlock/surrounded in drama and tears. That sounds bad, but it is true. Ours would be the first baby that everyone can be openly excited about if that makes sense. 

:-/

Mysterious_wife

This isn't the first thing that has me raising my eyebrow from Crafty.

Helenahhandbasket

Mysterious_wife said:

This isn't the first thing that has me raising my eyebrow from Crafty.

I have to say same here.  And not just on this board.

Jags8

@TheCraftyKoala my niece was conceived out of wedlock. My dad and stepmom were disappointed in my sister for about a day. Now DN is four, and my parents love her to pieces (she is pretty darn cute and funny).

@WhoCanItBeNow I'm not going to argue with you on that one.

Mysterious_wife

Nicb13 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

Mysterious_wife said:

This isn't the first thing that has me raising my eyebrow from Crafty.

I have to say same here.  And not just on this board.

I think she means well but a lot of her posts come off as very, very naïve.

And wordy.

Pepper6

TBH, the attention your MIL gave SIL sounds really suffocating and I'd hope she got it all out of her system by the time you were pregnant.  I hate when people won't talk about anything besides the baby to me...like all my interests, the rest of my life, etc are all pointless because I'm pregnant.  

Meery82

DS is the first grandchild on both sides and he is spoiled ass rotten. But I don't doubt for a second that any subsequent children will be treated any differently. Fortunately, my ILs are fantastic. OP, you sound kinda nuts. Just like whocanitbenow said, if they aren't assholes, everything will be fine.

kcisthebombdotcom

I would not want to be the prodigal child to a woman who is nice to sils face and talks shit behind her back. I'm baffled you want all the attention from a woman like this. I'm sure you will have other friends and family members to celebrate with.

MariaBend25

I am grandchild #1 on one side and #2 on the other side of my family. I have received more love and support from the side where I am  #2, so I don't think order matters. Obviously the first is special, but every new life is just as special so no worries.

For the ladies on this board, my husband is actually worried we will end up having grandchild #1 for his parents...which he doesn't want because his family is from another country halfway around the world and will not be able to meet their grandchild for many, many years, if ever due to financial and other circumstances. I can understand that he wants his siblings back home to have the first grandchild so his parents will actually get to "be" grandparents and see the grandchild that made them grandparents. But I don't see his siblings having kids anytime soon as none are married yet, although his older brother is maybe getting married this summer. If he does, they might have a kid before us, but if not I don't think this is reasonable to put off our own family plans. Am I right in this? I can wait till the end of this year, but longer would be asking too much I think.

SmileyJay

I do mean well. 

What I wrote makes me look like an ass. Apparently I do that a lot. I didn't write about all of the details. It is more than just unmarried or surprise pregnancies. Issues with money, drug/alcohol addiction, abusive relationships, no stability, you name it. It wasn't "Surprise we are pregnant!" it was tears and crying for weeks, and so much stress and strain leading up to each of the births. The children are all very much loved and the dust has mostly settled now, but no it was not an exciting time for anyone involved. 

I only included this because it is similar to OP. Her BIL and SIL were together a very short time and her MIL didn't approve until the baby came into the picture. I meant that I can sort of relate to this because everyone is excited for us to become parents while not so much for the others. It is different and it will be the first time in DH's family that a planned exciting pregnancy has taken place. Rather you can relate to this or not, it is what it is.

I am naive. I am years younger than most of you and do not have children or the life experience that goes along with that. I have learned a lot on here though and respect you ladies.

Belou52579

Oh dear god, I read this as your SIL had her first GRANDCHILD and you were jealous...

Mysterious_wife

TheCraftyKoala said:

I do mean well. 

What I wrote makes me look like an ass. Apparently I do that a lot. I didn't write about all of the details. It is more than just unmarried or surprise pregnancies. Issues with money, drug/alcohol addiction, abusive relationships, no stability, you name it. It wasn't "Surprise we are pregnant!" it was tears and crying for weeks, and so much stress and strain leading up to each of the births. The children are all very much loved and the dust has mostly settled now, but no it was not an exciting time for anyone involved. 

I only included this because it is similar to OP. Her BIL and SIL were together a very short time and her MIL didn't approve until the baby came into the picture. I meant that I can sort of relate to this because everyone is excited for us to become parents while not so much for the others. It is different and it will be the first time in DH's family that a planned exciting pregnancy has taken place. Rather you can relate to this or not, it is what it is.

I am naive. I am years younger than most of you and do not have children or the life experience that goes along with that. I have learned a lot on here though and respect you ladies.

Still wordy.

nina&bill

DH and I are older middle and youngest child respectively and I am competitive. I think MIL likes future SIL more than she likes me (which didn't bother me until my dad passed away) but whether it's true or not, doesn't make that nagging feeling go away (it can be normal, not necessarily logical) and definitely doesn't mean she'll love my child less. Being the youngest by 7 years, it wasn't likely I'd have first grandchild on my side, or great grandchild for that matter (my cousins on my dad's side are more like aunts and uncles to give reference) But remember your place in the family is special. My sister has 2 kids and cannot wait to be an aunt for the first time! No you don't have first grand child but whose to say you won't have SIL's first niece or nephew? You can't anticipate her reactions to that! That's special in and of itself! But as for excitement, parents have different relationships to each child and though my mom loves my sister, we have more in common. My sister and I are different and therefore the excitement won't be less, it will be different. DH sister had baby out of wedlock and ILs were sad for a day but adore my nephew. SIL however isn't good at taking care of herself and ILs have had to take on some roles they didn't anticipate as grandparents. So for DH and I, I think their excitement is different bc a) we're married and b) financially secure (which I think will be a bigger deal for them) so they get to be JUST grandparents. See different, not more or less excited! Future SIL has caused a lot of problems with my ILs (still does) but as my MIL says, she's who BIL chose and if that is who he chose, we can only try to push them away or embrace both as they are. It sounds to me your MIL is taking the higher road to benefit her grandchild. Who knows this may improve their relationship.

sschwege

Pepper6 said:

TBH, the attention your MIL gave SIL sounds really suffocating and I'd hope she got it all out of her system by the time you were pregnant.  I hate when people won't talk about anything besides the baby to me...like all my interests, the rest of my life, etc are all pointless because I'm pregnant.  

I was going to say something similar.  DD was 1st on my side, 2nd on DH's side, but only by 6 weeks.  I am so glad now that more grandkids have come along, because it was exhausting and at times as pp said suffocating.  Are you going to have a natural birth?  How long are you going to breastfeed for?  Why don't you give the baby vitamins?  When are you going to get rid of the swaddle?  It.Never.Ended!  Plus everyone would sort of 'fight' over who got to hold the baby.  Now that there are 4 grandkids and 1 on the way on DH's side it has gotten a lot easier.  In time you might be happy you did not have the first.    

hopefuljellybean

melainlandmark, Well, at least my ILs did not build a nursery in their house. They have done some other kinda of surprising things though. My SIL decided that she is not going to go back to work after her maternity leave and my BIL decided to cut his hours at his job so he can help with the baby. So my BIL asked my ILs to help supplement their income for awhile. Sure, I could understand maybe asking for some support while he takes a paternity leave, but I've never heard of this exact situation before. I think even my husband was a little stunned at that one. I'm sorry to hear that your parents seem a little distant to you right now. I really hope that turns around for you!

Thanks to everyone for giving advice and sharing your different experiences. It's tough sometimes gaining perspective, but based on what many of you have shared, it seems like it will be ok in the end.

CowgirlK39

sschwege said:

Pepper6 said:

TBH, the attention your MIL gave SIL sounds really suffocating and I'd hope she got it all out of her system by the time you were pregnant.  I hate when people won't talk about anything besides the baby to me...like all my interests, the rest of my life, etc are all pointless because I'm pregnant.  

I was going to say something similar.  DD was 1st on my side, 2nd on DH's side, but only by 6 weeks.  I am so glad now that more grandkids have come along, because it was exhausting and at times as pp said suffocating.  Are you going to have a natural birth?  How long are you going to breastfeed for?  Why don't you give the baby vitamins?  When are you going to get rid of the swaddle?  It.Never.Ended!  Plus everyone would sort of 'fight' over who got to hold the baby.  Now that there are 4 grandkids and 1 on the way on DH's side it has gotten a lot easier.  In time you might be happy you did not have the first.    

This is exactly what is happening to my SIL. When we found out she was pregnant, I was shocked because she and her DH do not have a dime to their name. But MIL was obsessed from day one and now that the baby is here, she is overwhelming. SIL is completely sick of her, and that's when I'm glad she was first.

LisaG09

Unless somebody else gets pregnant before me, my child will be 5th grandchild for both sides. My parents were so excited for #1 and when #2 came along they were just as excited, though it seemed to me a bit less nervous. My mom was freaking during the first one. #3 just as excited and #4 although it involved some drama as we weren't positive the child belonged to my brother, they were still just as excited. The kids are now 12, 9, 6, and 2 and I'd say they treat each one exactly the same except in regards to age of course. Hopefully your fears are unfounded.

MariaBend25

WhoCanItBeNow said:

That is a very dumb reason for altering your plans.

Say the oldest brother gets married and they are both infertile and end up adopting 10 years from now. You are really going to wait 10 years for them to adopt before having a kid? You aren't the first people on the planet to have a child away from family and you won't be the last. Your husband is being ridiculous.

Obviously we wouldn't alter our plans for that long. I feel his sentiment is considerate to his parents who will probably never meet our children, not ridiculous. It would be ridiculous if he felt that way regardless of the time period for waiting. But we discussed this and we would like to wait at least a year at this point. If it gets to 2015 and his brother's wife isnt pregnant then I guess that is too bad we won't wait longer. I at least understand where my husband's sentiment is coming from and am willing to wait for now, which doesn't really alter our plans so hopefully a win/win.