Very mad at our aide, am I wrong?

pastalady

We have an aide that works with us in our home 5 days a week, 8:30 to 11:30 am. I like her, she has an adult son with Asperger's, she usually gets it. She is a retired teacher. She is always working hard to Implement the suggestions of the therapists. She is a bit of a task maker and strict but DD needs that. We recently bought some new snow pants for DD. She picked them out and liked that they had a zippered bib part. Today we were headed out to play and I was helping DD put on her snow pants. Our aide came up and zippered off the bib part and said we don't need that. My DD freaked. Epic meltdown. Our aide insisted we sit and ignore DDs meltdown. Do I feel my kid reacted appropriately, no of course not. No one wants a kid to have That kind of reaction to a small change. But I feel she had no warning the change was coming, Plus it wasn't necessary. I told the aide I like the bib in case snow gets under her coat. She basically apologized after but stressed we need to challenge DD in this way. Yes, I agree challenge but why would I do something to my kid I wouldn't do to another person? Like, yes, if DD was insisting on wearing snowpants when it's too warm, challenge it. This is one scenario where I feel our aide is too hard on her. At social group a kid came up and asked to play and DD Yelled no at her. Our aide acted like it was the most awful thing. Well, I am in the preschool with DD volunteering all The time and at least twice every time a kid yells no when she asks to play. And typical kids at that lol. Am I wrong? Was the aide right?

pastalady

Okay I should add DD was good at expressing herself during her meltdown. She kept saying, I like my pants. I want it zipped together. That will make me happy. She cried for over 1 hour, during which we just sat there. I did finally say enough, she is telling us what she wants, it seems reasonable to me. Finally her aide agreed.

bumpuser511563

Sheesh.

I would have been for easing the bib part off slowly.

A warning would of been good, too!

pastalady

I think with a warning and explanation it could have been maybe a 5 minute bargaining session, not the hour long meltdown.

MirandaHobbes

 I don't know what the right answer is, although if I were in your shoes, I surely wouldn't have batted an eye about letting her keep it zipped up. On the other hand, I always see the value in changing things up and I don't let DS usually dictate preferences unless he has a good reason (e.g. your daughter's reasons seem valid for keeping the bib zipped up). I will say that when DS has these crying jags, I would never sit and watch him cry. Our plan instituted by his therapists years ago is "It's okay to be sad, but you have to go to your room to do that." DS's crying fits are usually attention-seeking, and putting him in his room significantly reduces the length of the jag because no one is there to respond to him.

That said- again, I think the aide needs to choose her battles. I think in her mind it made sense to keep it down and when she saw DD's strong reaction she immediately saw it as a teachable moment. In the end- you're the mom, bib up, end of story.

pastalady

The aide is there to work on things the therapists puts as goals. Here is Canada it's a little different but in my mind, because we have free health care, what they do is give you little time with the expensive therapists but lots of time with someone they pay 14 an hour to work with us. So for example today we spent a good part of our time on theory of mind games, etc. this was the first time our aide actually held me back when I went to go to DD and told me to ignore her. Actually one time she slapped my hand when I went to help DD do something. Yeah, now that I write that we have more issues lol! She was very embarrassed when she slapped my hand. If you can picture a old school nun teacher that is her lol! Very strict. But I will remember it's my home and my daughter.

pastalady

We definitely have been working on her flexibility. It's not an ipp goal, but last year it was. I mean, DD was a kid who wore winter heats in June only 2 years ago. Change was a toughie. DD is high functioning and has a gifted code. I think our aide sees a lot of her son . The feeling I get is she is harder on DD because she knows she is capable of these things. What I don't like is that she only talks negatively about her son. What a hardship he was. I know she is trying to commiserate with me, but all in all we are happy with the way DD is doing. She talks about how if she was able to do these things with her son we do with dd he would be better off. He was diagnosed at 8 and from what she has shared,they basically excluded him from things. They are very religious and he didn't fit with their church, etc. I guess bitter is how I would maybe describe her feelings about her son. But she is good with DD. I think anyone in your house so often would get on my nerves.

JoJoGee

I'm no ASD expert, so I won't comment on whether what the aide did to your DD was right or wrong.  However, it does not sound like the aide treated you with respect.  No matter if the aide was right or wrong in how she acted towards your DD, it sounds like she treated you like a child, and has done so on several occasions (I mean, slapping your hand, come on!).  

You are still the mother, and even if your initial reaction to your DD isn't the right reaction, she should be more respectful and coach you, instead of taking the lead.  JMHO.

pastalady

The hand slapping thing happened when our speech therapists was here and she was shocked lol! Our aide was extremely embarrassed. The speech sent an email asking if I wanted her to bring it up to the supervisor, I said no.

 

It's funny, what auntie said. My husband has AS, I know what autism looks like. But I think you could be right. I am noticing more and more traits dd and I have in common. Change is hard for me too lol! Like, we always brush teeth, then have a bath. Why would we change just to change lol? It seriously freaks me out. And ot pointed out I have major sensory issues. During bear walks etc I hate the feel of the carpet and curl my palms, etc. 

And I totally think our aide has a touch lol! You know the whole look to the parents lol? She fits the bill too lol! I also know I am used to Dd charming everyone. Our current aide is not so easily charmed and I am grateful on one hand but miss hearing mostly good. I know our aide is seeing what 3,5,10 years down the road will look like. She lives it so she knows.that's why I know she is a keeper but I also know I need to speak up more if I do not agree with her methods. And I will from now on.

SantoriniSteph

I didn't read all of the replies, but my DS is Autistic and we did ABA therapy for a year.  You are in charge, not the therapist.  In my experience the therapists don't always have a lot of training.  Or they have a family member with ASD so they think they know all about it.  You can have discussions about different ideas, but if you try something and it doesn't feel right to you, stop the situation.  Discuss the method with them and different avenues.  You know her best so if you feel comfortable with the method, there is a better chance of success.

pastalady

Oh yeah, I know I have to push DD and myself to not be rigid. Trust me, I am not easy on her. I just think if someone wouldn't dare do it to a typical kid, why do it to one with autism right? Yesterday our speech told her off lol, so I think it's not just me lately. She may just be a bit burned out. I'm sure that is common.

pastalady

Well, I shouldn't say she told her off. We were playing a game. The slp asked DD to look at her face and tell her if she what emotion she was feeling. DD glanced at her and said you are happy, you are smiling and looked away. Our aide grabbed DD's shoulders and forced her to look at the slp again, saying that was just a glance,we need eye contact please. The slp was visibly upset and said, no we don't touch the kids like that, and she did give me eye contact. We don't force. The aide said okay. So yeah, there have been a few issues but like I said anyone together in these circumstances so much would clash now and then. We don't really have much options but continuing. If I felt the aide was harming DD of course we would stop. But honestly, she is doing more harm than good. Forgive me, is this forum not to bitch and complain about the small things lol? And yes, I guarantee if I went to preschool and grabbed a kids hat or zippered off there pants there would be consequences. Maybe not the same as my kids, but some kids would wouldn't like it. Kind of like if I went to a bar and grabbed a guys ass. Some would smile and like it. Some would be offended. Society dictates it isn't something I should do lol! I stand by the fact what she did was totally out of line, and she admitted it was and apologized. That's all.

pastalady

I am sorry auntie but I am a little offended at your tone. You almost seem condescending? Can I ask why? Isn't this a place to share our struggles and triumphs? If anyone is burnt out, it may be you lol!

pastalady

Thanks. I do think the other posters agreed with me, that it was highly irregular what the aide did. I thought you were saying it wasn't? I think you were the only one who thought this? But thanks for clearing it up. I think everyone on this board has a right to be burnt out lol!