Update

nurrieum

Im still reluctant to discuss too much but after BM threw another temper tantrum about pick up and drop off (we do all the driving because she doesn't have a car, so its rare she tries for a ride). DH diffused the situation but the bottom line was something needs to change.
So we looked a parenting plan, its 8 pages long and very inclusive much like a CO but unless authorized by a court has no legal weight. Still, our goal here to have DH sit down with BM go will not be present) ideally at a neutral location and work something out in writing.
I know we should've done this ages ago and things would've been smoother but we were 20 and 22 and had no idea what we were doing. Now though only 2 years later we've explored a lot and grew some balls. While it has no legal weight it shows we've made the effort to work out a written agreement with her got the benefit of SS.
We are also looking into taking the class "child in the middle" according to my mom (a therapist and social worker) it's something most divorced couples in custody cases have to take in this area. We think it will help in dealing with bring assertive and Co parenting better.
I'm so proud of DH, he diffused BMs fit without getting petty or escalating the argument. We're making aplan got communication in the future to remain assertive.
I do think that because we let her run the show for so long out of fear that we set a difficult precedent to break but we're trying to without adding conflict. We've got good intentions and the best laid plans...we'll see how out goes. We've been doing a lot of praying, and we appreciate prayers too!

One last thing, I feel like I'm growing a bit. I usually get anxiety attacks when BM throws fits, this time I decided not to become upset. I turned to prayer when I felt anxious and remained calm. That was huge for me. Thank you for the encouragement lately everyone, it's meant a lot.

nurrieum

Sorry for the typos my phone sucks.

ambrvan

Oh, it sounds promising! Especially your personal progress! That will help a lot. Learning simply not to get upset. Good luck going forward.

nurrieum

ambrvan said:

Oh, it sounds promising! Especially your personal progress! That will help a lot. Learning simply not to get upset. Good luck going forward.

Thank you! I'm trying really hard to just keep my cool as much as I can. Then she no longer has any power over me. Thank you!

+just+j+

You need a legal CO. Trust me. You're going to get bit again not having one.

nurrieum

+just+j+ said:

You need a legal CO. Trust me. You're going to get bit again not having one.

Yeah, that's something we're working toward. I'm just wary what I post about that at this point. I'm kinda paranoid. Sorry. Lol.

HopeAlive3

Thanks for sharing! It sounds like you're both learning a lot.

Have you ever heard of Coparenting International? They have a lot of great articles, videos, and books on coparenting. You might be able to find some good advice and insights on that too. You have my prayers!

 

nurrieum

HopeAlive3 said:

Thanks for sharing! It sounds like you're both learning a lot.

Have you ever heard of Coparenting International? They have a lot of great articles, videos, and books on coparenting. You might be able to find some good advice and insights on that too. You have my prayers!

 

No I haven't but that's totally something I'm interested in! I'll look into that, thank you !!!!

HopeAlive3

nurrieum said:

Thanks for sharing! It sounds like you're both learning a lot.

Have you ever heard of Coparenting International? They have a lot of great articles, videos, and books on coparenting. You might be able to find some good advice and insights on that too. You have my prayers!

 

No I haven't but that's totally something I'm interested in! I'll look into that, thank you !!!!

You're welcome! I actually heard about it when i was listening to this broadcast on coparenting and stepfamilies. It's really good if you wanna check it out!

nurrieum

wendilea said:

I'm glad things are being handled better and that you're on your way to a real CO soon. Trust me, it sucks when you don't have one and the BM goes BSC on the regular.

Thanks. I know that things will run better once we can simply refer to a CO.

nurrieum

wendilea said:

They may not necessarily run better as soon as you get a CO - she will likely still try to pull crap, and you'll have to threaten court or actually file contempt.  There she'll get a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again.  Hopefully after THAT she'll wise up, but some don't.

Yeah, I'm just looking forward to having a stronger leg to stand on. She's mostly all talk. She likes the illusion of power. In the past year the longest she's kept SS is 3 days. He's always with us, but lately she's trying to cause conflict at every turn. I think a Co will allow it's to say, nope, you don't control this.

Wahoo

Just make sure you document how often SS is with you.  Photographs, reciepts, etc.

nurrieum

Well when BM threatened court and I called her bluff things got tense. However we got her to agree to a schedule, and she's on board to try the parenting plan once SS is in day care and his routine is more solid.
I have doubts that she'll stick to it but here's hoping!! We're still moving forward with everything but this is good for now.

misscarter87

@nurrieum i know exactly how you feel BM threw a big temper tantrum last time we picked up SD we are the only ones that drive 45mins to a hour away she doesnt have a car at all but had the nerve to throw a big fit even after we agreed to take SD really early that day than usual just so she can leave to go out of town and have fun with her brother and cousins! The nerve of her tho

twister22

Remind me, how much time does BM take again? Is she the one that does completely random days here and there?

nurrieum

@twister22 yeah, it's usually between 1 and 3 nights sometimes a full day and overnight. It's always been sporadic. It's been a while since it's been over 5 days when she hasn't seen him but the longest he's usually out of our care is 24 hours. Which of course works for us.

twister22

nurrieum said:

@twister22 yeah, it's usually between 1 and 3 nights sometimes a full day and overnight. It's always been sporadic. It's been a while since it's been over 5 days when she hasn't seen him but the longest he's usually out of our care is 24 hours. Which of course works for us.

What are you thinking for a CO? EOWE and a dinner visit during the week when BM doesn't have SS for the weekend?

T&Ps your way that things will go smoothly. I hate the whole drawing up a CO process .

nurrieum

twister22 said:

nurrieum said:

@twister22

What are you thinking for

nurrieum

Oppps! Sorry. @twister22 not sure yet. She has a very odd work schedule, we're trying to see what we can do that's most consistent for SS but doesn't get confusing and works with everyones schedule. I'm basically a stay at home mom, my job is during the night and I'm allowed to sleep a portion of my shift, so aside from the weekly meetings I'm home with the kids, Im then available to be home with SS as well as running him to school etc. Also I send texts trying to communicate and get no replies from her when I'm trying to plan something. So, it's tough to know what agreement to work out, she'd never agree to anything less than 50/50 despite that realistically he'll be with us. Honestly we need do some further looking into various custodial arrangements to see what could fit here. Sometimes SS only spends the night with BM from like 6pm and is back here by 8am and that's really hard on him.

Thank you for thoughts and prayers much much appreciated!!

nurrieum

MelRC117 said:

I don't have much to add, but try not to be the one to communicate. Have your SO and BM do the schedule coordination in advance. It'll give you less stress and, I'm not a BM, but she may be better of she communicates with your SO. Don't take offense to this, but she's the parent, your SO is the parent...let them communicate. Being the go between gets messy and she may feel like you're overstepping your bounds (which she may not, I never got the vibe from my BM but then again she would contact me about things).
How does she plan on doing 50/50 if she can't now? Document, document, document. And good luck.

I prefer my DH to communicate with her, she however had expressed she would prefer to go through me, also as I do most of our daily planning things are usually clearer that way. Still, on the whole DH does a lot of the communication, or we go so together because we're usually together. She acts with more civility with me than Dh, another reason i am sometimes the go between. DH had tried getting BM to communicate in advance, it's fruitless and futile. It's why we attempted the parenting plan style method. To see if another t tactic could work better. Things have since changed since this was posted.