MIL is at it again, WWYD?

CowgirlK39

I have posted a few times bout how my MIL is obsessed with my niece. Christmas Eve she followed her around the whole evening, hovering over whoever had her. SIL tried to say something to FIL and he told her basically she had no right to reprimand MIL. DH and I are taking notes about his and feel like SIL needs to set strict boundaries yet she never does.

Today we were at a family gathering and as usual, MIL was approaching everyone who had DN and was trying to take her. SIL piped up and reminded her that she sees DN every single day and that others do not see her that much, and MIL said "so what, I'm not allowed to hold my granddaughter?" Basically there is no answer to this that will not prompt a temper tantrum from MIL so SIL just continued to let her hover and snatch the baby from everyone. DH and I worry that these bad habits will carry over to our future children and that she will expect us to allow her annoying behavior as well.

So if you were in my SILs shoes, how would you answer that? How would you establish boundaries with a woman who takes everything personally and is usually 100% irrational?

gogadgetgo

Right now, only your sil can shut the crazy down. It will probably ruffle some feathers but if she feels that strongly about it, then boundaries have to be established.

Once your own LO is on the way/here, you'll have to do the same. Make sure you and DH are a united front and stand your ground. You kid, your rules.

JemmaWRX

You need to stop making your SIL's problem your problem.  It sounds like you're upset about how this is going to affect your future children.  Worrying about a potential problem that may or may not present itself a year (or two or three) down the road is silly.  And simply not worth your energy.  You deal with it if and when it becomes a problem for you.  I get where you're coming from.  I have the same fears about my own MIL and FIL.  But for now, it's not a problem and I'm not wasting my time worrying about it now.

That said, unless SIL directly asks you and your husband for advice, stay out of it.  Frankly, it's none of your business.  If she DOES ask for advice I'd tell her she needs to have a "come to jesus" talk with her Mom (this is your husband's sister, right? - If not, your husband's brother needs to handle this).  "Mom, I know you're excited about having a grandchild but you need to allow other people the opportunity to see her, hold her, feed her, etc.  I'm her Mom and you need to respect my wishes.  Going forward, if I ask for her back, I expect you to give her back."  If MIL and FIL go apeshit, so be it.  That's on them.

My ILs do the same thing - use guilt to manipulate people.  We spent years avoiding it.  What we were actually doing was inviting crappy behavior.  Now?  Fuck it.  We call them out on their shit, they freak out, and it's over in a few days.  Your SIL/BIL need to nut up and handle this shit and need to know they are NOT responsible for how MIL/FIL react    

CowgirlK39

I worry about it because we have a chronic problem with this. When we first moved in together, SIL warned us that MIL would probably try to come over all the time and infringe on our privacy. Sure enough, she began randomly showing up without asking and only stopped after DH set her straight. She's already hounding us for a baby (and specifically, a boy, since she already has a stash of boy clothes she's been collecting for years). We have just always seen a trend with her which is why we worry. But as PP said, we are not going to get in the middle of SILs issues with her. I was just curious how all of you would approach such a situ. If it isn't an issue when we have a LO I will be the happiest person alive. But knowing her as we do, that's unlikely.

barely

I wouldn't worry about it until it happens to you, as pp said. I know it's annoying, but it really is your SIL and BIL's problem until they ask for your help.

mylittlesunshine

I agree you need to stop making sil problem your problem. In the meantime, sit with DH and figure out what you and DHs boundaries are. Start now! You don't need a baby to set boundaries.

I never set boundaries with anyone bc DH an I had the first grandchild on both sides and frankly it had never been an issues before children. I realized very quickly after the birth of my first DD what a mistake that was. Having a baby brings out the crazies on my DHs side of the family. If you start now, it might make it less difficult in the future when you do have a baby.

Disneygeek77

If I was in the situation ?

If it was my mom, I would privately tell her to knock it off.

If it was my MIL, I would ask DH to tell his mom to knock it off.  

Belou52579

I have a hard time understanding how people can't speak up for themselves. Drives me crazy.

mrssl3813

My MIL and FIL are bat shit crazy. So how did I establish boundaries? Start right from the beginning, stand your ground and be a united front. I think you SIL needed to address their relationship way before now. I also think you need to worry less about her but make sure you learn from her mistakes. Make your boundaries and opinion clear now. I would say don't address this at a family function, I would just ignore the comment she made about holding the baby. But later on in a private discussion with MIL FIL and DH I would give them the party line.

I should add we no longer have any relationship at all with my husbands immediate family, but we do with his extended (aunts, uncles, grandma, cousins ect...). His parents have had boundaries issues for a long time, long before I came along. As a result most of their family wants little or nothing to do with them.