HELP!!! moving in with in-laws before baby is born

finny1019

Hi everyone!!

This is my first post and my first baby : )

My husband and I are trying to save up and buy a house. Weeks ago we talked about moving in with his parents and we were both on the same page that it was the best thing for us. However I am now having second thoughts, and I am very sad about it. (like sobbing when we talk about it.) I have suggested that we stay at our apt for a few weeks after the baby is born and then move in so we can have family time together and I can have some time to heal after giving birth. It is very important to me, I keep saying we will never bring our first baby home for the first time again and I want it to be just us. I am worried also that my in-laws will be a little to involved and we wont be able to have the family bonding that we should have. My in-laws are great and I am so grateful and happy they are letting us come to live for little bit while we save, I just know I will feel uncomfortable post delivery living with them and being with the just the three of us (me, my husband and baby) for even a little bit is sooo important to me! Am I being a brat? Have any of you had any experiences like this? Please help, any advise would be greatly appreciated!!

sunflowermama42212

I would really wait to move in with them. Even if its for a month or a couple months, I would much rather have alone time after the baby is here then have to deal with my in laws. Even though my MIL means well, culturally people raise kids different and me being a completely different culture then her would already spark some parenting tension. I'm not sure in your situation but I would honestly even wait til the baby was older and your confident in your parenting to brush off all the unwanted advice and over bearing that can come along with in laws.

LegalLadyBug

Confession time: DH, DD and I live with my mom. We moved back home when DD was 6 weeks old. The plan was for me to pass the bar exam, get a job, then get our own place. Well, I passed the exam but can't find a job and we can't afford rent plus our other bills on DHs salary alone. Now with unexpected twins on the way we're going to be here for awhile. I should mention, DD is 2.5 years old now.

The positive is it's free. I can also say that the novelty of having DD live in house wore off quickly. I'm pretty sure since we've been here we've only been able to convince my mom to watch DD 4 or 5 times so we could see a movie or something. So while they may seem overbearing at first, it will wear off.

Point being, it's not that bad. But be careful because it's easy to get stuck. Things don't always go as you plan.

mcgeeva

Be upfront and honest with your husband. I personally could NEVER live with my inlaws. We have a 1 night visit max with them so it would never work. Shoot I couldn't even live with my mom. I say live where you currently are for an extra month or two and just see how the interaction is alone with them visiting the baby at your place. I can tell you only seeing my inlaws for two days when DS was born had me in tears. They are zero help and would comment that I was feeding to long, did I check the diaper for pee when I changed it. I just think unless your really ready to move in with them, don't do it until you have time to adjust to a new baby or personally a big move like that could potentially cause a lot of issues in a marriage unless you have a fabulous relationship with them

divinemsbee

I think that a van down by the river would look awesome before I moved in with my ILs. And I love my parents, but giving up that level of freedom, plus the fact that since we are all adults there are personality clashes from time to time means that's not something I would do unless I were in the worst situation possible. I did live with my mom and her husband for about 6 months because I had a job opportunity and it was the easiest way to get settled in a place that's 1000 miles from where I was living. We did okay, but I can't imagine bringing my H and a baby into the mix. I think Joy had a great point that buying a house is a great thing to have as a goal, but it's not a race. You don't have to have a house to have a baby. I also think it's a good idea if you're doing it to have a set time that you're going to live there or a set amount of money you are saving because that takes some of the pressure off. I think an open-ended stay would end up frustrating for all parties. I'll add that I feel like moving in with parents to save money can lead parents to believe that they have some right to comment on how you spend it when you're with them (not saying it's right, but I've seen it happen). Also, you need to get with your ILs and your H and go ahead and set some boundaries now, especially if this is a situation where you guys just have a room in the house (I think in a duplex or garage apartment situation it would be easier). Also, while they may be involved at first, as a PP said, they may not be the child care that people sometimes think their parents or ILs might be.

annabeanybee

We moved in with the ILs when DS turned 1 (he's now 4). I'm so glad we had that first year to ourselves. It takes time to settle into your parenting roles, and other people can, even if it's in the most well-intentioned ways, influence you into decisions that you may later regret.

Also, if you do move in with them, have a solid timeframe for when you're going to leave. Ours keeps changing, and I know it's causing resentment on all sides.

AndreaKae27

Coming in from first tri - We've been living with my parents for almost 2 1/2 years. I cant wait to get out. I love my parents and its been fine, but kts time to go. We moved in to save for a house and wedding... didnt help with housr saving haha. We are hoping to move before the baby is due in July.

mysticl

If you are able to meet all of your bills currently, if you will be able to meet all of your bills when the baby comes, and your current place is appropriate for a baby then I would not move in with the in-laws at all.  Owning a house is nice but it can also be overrated.  I've known people who have sold their homes to go back to the convenience of renting. So while it is a good goal it's not something you absolutely have to do, and if you do it there isn't a deadline it has to be done by.  

I thought I liked my MIL until DS was born.  She came when he was a few weeks old and it was horrible.  It wasn't like we had agreed on everything prior to that but the overall relationship was positive.  During that time period I realized just how critical she was (I buy the wrong dish soap) but had been ignoring it for the most part.  I also discovered her complete disdain for any parenting that isn't in line with what she did (things like laying a child on their back to sleep or putting them in a carseat).  There is no way I could live in the same house as that woman.  So basically what I'm saying is find out how you get along with your inlaws after the baby is born before you make any firm decisions on living with them.  

Niasiagraham

I am 17 weeks pregnant & me abd hubby stay with his mother at the moment not because we have to we were trying to save BUT im getting frustrated already!! I love my own space & im not a people person EVERYDAY .. so we are moving faster then we planed. It is helpful but id rather be on my own at this point

Nicorizi

So funny to come across your post today! We moved in with my parents almost a year ago to save for our wedding and to get pregnant. Fast forward a year and we got married and we're pregnant with twins! This time has indeed helped save us money (although to be clear, they did charge us rent!). And at first I thought we would stay because i know we'll need help with the babies. That said, yesterday we decided to move out for a year at least.... All for the same reasons everyone described here. We want to get used to being parents on our own first. I am terrified at the idea of group parenting. Plus, we feel we just need the chance to create our own home with our daughters first. Later, when the twins are bigger, we will probably move back to their house because they live in a much nicer area with excellent schools than we could never afford. But for now, we're outta here! I am actually very excited to be able to set up our home (esp the nursery!) even if it's temporary. And to just have the freedom to be us without my parents looking over our shoulders every minute. Long story short, don't move in with them yet. We tried it and trust me, it's not the best idea. At least not yet!

finny1019

Thank you all for you thoughts and experiences!!!

We had a long talk and have decided to stay in our apt for a month after the baby comes, I have felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am so thankful to have such a wonderful and understanding husband who would do ANYTHING for me and our little one!

You all have been so helpful, it's nice to have support from other women who have had babies and know what its like. Girl power! : )

jamielynn827

If I had to live with my in laws I'd kill myself.

Not that they aren't nice but seeing how they are with the other grand kids and the fact that personally I don't agree with how they are with them. I couldn't do it. I would rather put rusty nails into my mouth and swallow them.

Too be completely honest I don't get along that well with them either. Christmas and thanksgiving at their house just about gets me everytime. HA

dragossoul84

I would suggest moving right away, sure if you stay you get a month to yourself but then you have to move with a 1 month old I'd just get it over with Everything you are worrying about you will have to face the next month.