How do you get through this?

Crisdima

Hi ladies. I went to the dr yesterday for my 10w ultrasound and we discovered that my baby has stopped growing at 9w2d. There was no heartbeat and it took the dr a few minutes to even find the baby. I am in total shock and cannot wrap my head around this. I never had a single sign that anything was wrong. No bleeding or spotting and I was still so nauseous as I had been all along. My husband is away on business so I had to tell him over the phone and I won't see him for another couple of days. My family and the friends that know have been so supportive and I find that comforting but yet I can't stop shaking. The plan going ahead is to attempt to let my body miscarry on its own and if nothing happens by next week I go in Thursday for a repeat ultrasound just to double check and then the dr will administer medicine to get the miscarriage going. I am terrified of what I might see come out of me. Also, I am a teacher and I fear that I will need to suddenly leave if things start to get bad. Again, I just do feel like this is actually happening to me. I feel like I am not even in my own body and as if I am talking about someone else. I am so sorry for anyone who has ever gone through this. By far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with emotionally and physically. So my question is, how do you get though this and move on? How do you stop the uncontrollable sadness? We are going to try again as soon as the dr says it's okay but right now I just can't function right now. Sorry that this became so long and hugs to all of you who have had to go through this.

aschultz9

I am so sorry. It it awful. The worst thing I have ever been through, 3 times now. Allow yourself to be sad, even overwhelmingly sad. Nobody else can really understand this sadness. Everyone is different but it will get better eventually. It will not feel like it for quite a while. Its going to feel impossible even, but you will start to to feel better in time.
I am so sorry, "feeling" pregnant while you wait is awful.

aezimmerman

I am very sorry for your loss. I must admit that I had some signs of a miscarriage before it actually happened. To be honest, it did not make it any easier for me. When the doctor told me, it was like a hot knife stabbing me straight in the heart. I was in shock. The feelings of sadness were overwhelming. I sobbed so hard. I couldn't think straight and I did not know what to do with myself. Thus, I did nothing. I laid in bed and watched tv on and off. I did as little as I had to. After a week, I was feeling much better. I only cried when triggered by something like an expecting couple looking for a house on an HGTV show. Now it has been two weeks since my natural mc and I almost feel back to my old self. All I needed was time and space. However, not everyone has the luxury of being home all day. I just happened to be on winter vacation and have minimal work commitments until next week. You will have to find a balance between fulfilling your work responsibilities and taking care of yourself. Teachers don't get many opportunities during the day to take a moment to themselves. However, some like the distraction. If something does happen while you are at work, you will figure out then what you need to do. I hope this helps. Take care and hang in there. 

Crisdima

Thanks for the advice ladies. I told my principal what was going on and she sent me home and told me to put myself first and allow myself to process this. I feel some pings that seem low in my cervix, I wish that my body would just start and allow this is be over instead of dragging it out but from what I read that is not always the case. And you are both right, I need to allow myself to be sad.

katib77

I'm glad you are home from work.  My job was also very understanding of the time I needed off.  I learned of my mmc on a Friday and nothing started on it's own.  I was given the medicine (cytotec) and was told I could hold off and take it on the weekend if I wanted.  But we decided since it was New years Eve and DH and I could have Tuesday and Wednesday off for the holiday to just do it then.  You def will want two or three days off for that.  

But yes, know that this unbelievable sadness is normal and will subside over time.  I even hyperventilated over the idea of doing it at home and having to see things when it happened.  once it came time I kept saying out loud "I can do this.  I can do this".  And while it was really awful, I got through it.  And my husband was my savior in all of this.  I'm so sorry you're apart for these first few days.  Is there any chance he can cut his business trip short if he explained to his boss why?  

Big (hugs).  I am so sorry for your loss.  But now being two weeks after learning of our loss, I can say that yes I'm still sad, but have had days already without crying.  But remember everyone is on their own timetable of grief.  Don't think "I need to be OK with this by X"  As this is my second loss, I learned from my first -that months later grief can still come out of nowhere.  Be kind to yourself and lean on those that love you.  It's ok for the house to be a mess if you need to just sit on the couch and cry.  It's ok for the answer to the questions from even strangers saying "How are you doing today?" to just say "I'm surviving, how about you?"  Because I hate lying and say "I'm fine."   

redheadscu1

I am so sorry for your loss. I also did not have any signs of MC before we found out at our 9 week ultrasound. Baby measured 9 wks, but no more heartbeat. But I felt like I had just known all along that something was wrong.
Take as much time as you need off of work, and don't judge yourself for any of the emotions that come up. Try not to blame yourself or play the "what if" game. It's a normal first reaction to start blaming yourself, but the bottom line is this wasn't your fault, and you could not have prevented it.
Everyone is different, but for me, I started to feel more normal after about 3 weeks. Just understand that you are at the hardest part right now, and it will hurt less with time.

YaMrWhite

I'm so sorry for your loss I too was about 10 weeks along when my pregnancy ended (though for other reasons than m/c) and it really does feel like an out of body experience. It sucks feeling vulnerable and not in control of your body. Honestly, you get through it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Life continues on and you have to find a way to keep up. I wish you much success in growing a family with your husband in the future!

kboydbowman

I'm sorry for you, and I feel you - we're at the same place.  I can't do the Cytotec either b/c of a fibroid, and the waiting sucks.  I think I will feel better once the actual miscarriage has happened.  Right now I still very much "feel" pregnant.

rubylocks7

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I've been through 2 losses now and I can tell you that it does get better, but it takes time.   There will always be things here and there that might trigger the sadness, but as you go on it gets less frequent and less intense.  My first loss was a mmc and I know that the waiting for it to pass is the hardest part.  I hope that it happens soon for you, so that you can start to move on and heal.

Crisdima

Nothing has started to progress naturally yet and I just wish it would start on its own. I'm dreading walking into my doctors office Thursday to have the Cytotec administered. Although once I go through this and everything is complete I feel I will have some closure. I went back to work today because i felt I needed to get out of my house and do my normal routine. It actually helped being around people that don't know and I was able to run to my friend across the hall from me when I wanted to talk and needed a hug. I also just wish my husband felt the reality of all of this. He got back yesterday from his business trip and he has been wonderful in confronting me, but mostly he just tells me that it's ok and we will have a healthy baby soon. I admire his optimism but I don't think he understands how traumatizing this is.

mwilliams09

I'm so sorry for your situation. My experience is similar to yours in a few ways. I'm a teacher too. I went in at 8 weeks for my ultrasound and the doctor told us things didn't look right. He called us on Thanksgiving Day with the blood work results - they confirmed the pregnancy wasn't progressing normally. I chose to have a dnc. It was the option I needed to be able to move forward since things weren't progressing very quickly on its own. My principal was also very understanding and gave me time off. I ended up going back on Friday of the week I had my procedure. I needed to get out of the house and back into a routine. Being home alone while my husband was working, was just too tough.

My husband has been amazing during this process. It took him a while to deal with it in his own way. It wasn't as quick for him, but he has been supportive. He allows me to cry on the tough days, but he is also the first one to say we'll be parents someday soon. I'm not sure how he can be so optimistic, but I think it really does help me get through the super tough days. And there are still super tough days - especially when everyone around me seems to be happily pregnant. But I know that time will help it to hurt less and that we can't let this experience scare us away from trying again when the time is right. I just finished my first cycle and we're trying to decide if we are ready to start trying again. It's such a tough decision.

Sending you love and comfort... it will get better.