Dealing with pregnancies (other than your own, unfortunately)

mingaling2

I know we've all been there - pregnancies of family members, friends, coworkers, etc. I feel genuinely happy for them - I swear I do. But I can't help but feel like I have to take a step back and remove myself from the situation, if only for my own sanity.  I am scared I might say something morbid or unkind even though I wouldn't consciously do that.  It reminds me of the quote from the McCracken book:  "I am that thing worse than a cautionary tale: I am a horror story, an example of something terrible going wrong when you least expect it, and for no good reason, a story to be kept from pregnant women, a story so grim and lessonless it's better not to think about it at all."

I feel like I cannot talk to another pregnant woman at all without coloring my conversation with my grief, and I am sorry for that. I want to be there for them and I'm not sure how to without that dark cloud. 

schulme2

It's hard! I applaud you for wanting to be there for them but I'm still at the point that I try to avoid pregnant women like the plague. I know I canbe happy for them but it hurts too much when I can't be happy for myself.

jonahsma

Oh yes, I avoid pg women as well. My best friends sister is a couple of weeks ahead and her shower is coming up. I will not be attending, I feel like im being selfish, but there is no way I could put on a plastic smile...

kflynn81

I'm having a similar issue in that I'm finding only negative things come out my mouth these days. I probably already have scared all te pregnant people I know to begin with, they dot need my words ontop of it. My boss is pregnant and due any day now and the whole office is buzzing with baby talk and it dries me insane. Two coworkers keep alking to me about the baby and I finally just said "I don't care" and they finally left me alone. I hate being like that but really you think the girl who lost her baby 3 weeks ago wants to talk about the other baby who gets to live??? Ugh!!!!

mingaling2

kflynn81 said:

I'm having a similar issue in that I'm finding only negative things come out my mouth these days. I probably already have scared all te pregnant people I know to begin with, they dot need my words ontop of it. My boss is pregnant and due any day now and the whole office is buzzing with baby talk and it dries me insane. Two coworkers keep alking to me about the baby and I finally just said "I don't care" and they finally left me alone. I hate being like that but really you think the girl who lost her baby 3 weeks ago wants to talk about the other baby who gets to live??? Ugh!!!!

That is so hard and painful to have to hear every day. I hope your coworkers respect your wishes!

bunnybun4

I just tell my (close) friends that if I bring the pregnancy up then I want to talk about it...if I don't please don't bring it up either and for the most part people respect that.

If people start talking about pregnancy and I can't take it I honestly remove myself from the conversation.  I think #1 you are protecting yourself and #2 you are educating them on how to act around a loss mom (that you are still hurting even though it doesn't seem like it)

 

 

kz's_girlygirl

I've had years of practice with faking happiness over other pregnancies bc of infertility, and more recently loss. it never gets easier. I wish it did!!

That quote really resonates with me- people talk about getting past the first trimester and announcing once they are in the 'safe zone.' Ha. Unfortunately there's no such thing but you can't say that to people.

I'm thinking of you and hoping you can honor your own needs, whatever that might look like

neptunebljc

kz's_girlygirl said:

I've had years of practice with faking happiness over other pregnancies bc of infertility, and more recently loss. it never gets easier. I wish it did!! That quote really resonates with me- people talk about getting past the first trimester and announcing once they are in the 'safe zone.' Ha. Unfortunately there's no such thing but you can't say that to people. I'm thinking of you and hoping you can honor your own needs, whatever that might look like

I completely agree with whole safe zone thing. My Brother's friends did one of those gender announcements immediately following their 20 week ultrasound.  DH was surprised because who knows if they will find something wrong. My brother's response "They haven't had any complications so far, things like that don't happen after 13 weeks."  DH was pissed for DAYS. He couldn't believe that my brother could say something like that knowing we had loss our baby at 21 weeks.   

We were also at a wedding on New Years Eve, and one of the guest at our table was pregnant. It was really hard to try and avoid the topic, but luckily she was GREAT and talked about her fears and it made it SO much easier.

I do feel like EVERYONE else is pregnant though. And I am definitely THAT person who has all of the horrible stories and everyone wants to avoid when they are pregnant. 

It really sucks

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

Its so hard. Even expecting our rainbow I find it hard to be involved with others pregnancies or talk much about my own. Pregnancy is just not the same experience after you have lost a baby.

stefuge

I have had so many of those same reactions - this insane urge to walk up to some random pregnant stranger and warn her to love her baby because you never know what might happen, choking on "congratulations" when someone tells me their pregnant to my face, and instead just turning away and saying nothing, as well as the urge to avoid pregnant woman as much as possible.  I got to the point with Facebook that I unfriended anyone who was pregnant, had a baby, or might become pregnant, because I could not handle any more of the announcements.  It would ruin my whole day, and I didn't need that.  This is all so hard and so unfair.

jess123456

This is so hard and for some reason never seems to get any easier. I also get so nervous when friends get married because I just know it will happen for them so I avoid the topic like the plague. It sucks to have to put on a fake smile all the time. The safe zone stuff drives me insane. I have been working with my therapist on not feeling guilty for having those negative feelings about it because honestly who wouldn't if they walked in our shoes? You aren't alone in feeling this way. It's very hard. I sometimes think that the announcing is the worst part because at least after that you know to avoid them etc.