Can I ask for some help? (Warning: loss mentioned)

whse13kittens

I am not a multiples mom, but my coworker announced last Monday that she was pregnant with twins.  We were all super excited for her and she was over the moon.  I found out today from her BF (the babies father) that she lost one of the babies over the weekend  She has been home for the past two days taking "sick" days, and will definitely be out until Thursday at the earliest, though I don't really expect to see her til next week.

Is there anything I can do, any suggestions anyone has for what to say to her?  I feel just awful.  I know that she is still carrying one of the babies (though I don't know if it is Baby A or Baby and that is great, but I don't even know where she would start mourning the loss of the other baby.  When I had a miscarriage several years ago, someone bought me an "angel caller" necklace to wear.  I loved it and wore it for quite some time, and now it's in a box with several other things I had gathered during that time period...would something like this be appropriate?  Or is it better to just keep my mouth shut?

I want her to know I'm here for her but I don't know where to start...

whse13kittens

If it makes any difference, she was 8/9 weeks along.  They don't currently think there is a risk of her losing the 2nd baby.

Thanks in advance....

cukimerrydoll

Write her a card. That way, she knows you're thinking of her but has the option of working through your thoughts and support in private.
I've had two losses myself, and the card route is what I had our volunteer group do for my sister last Christmas. It worked very well.

SWA80

I personally would not want to commemorate it in any way but then again I chose not to tell anyone we were expecting twins for that reason.

I would simply say you're sorry for her loss and take your cues from her. I think the worst will be people saying "at least you still have one."

KatieGummow

We didn't tell anyone about the twins until 12 weeks. The risk of losing one is so high when you're that early. But maybe get her a little spa basket; candle, lotion, nail polish. Then add a card that says,"just thinking of you. Love, me" Or something.

cailinmeister

I know I was terrified of twin loss and would definitely have thought of it like any other miscarriage.  A card or something thoughtful (or a necklace) would definitely be appropriate IMO.

xnbride

I love the necklace idea with a card. Acknowledging her loss is a very nice gesture because even though many people will not, she will always remember that they were originally twins and she lost one. A woman never forgets so there is no sense in pretending that she did. A loss is a loss and although it is still wonderful that she has a living child growing inside of her, it will make grieving that much harder because everyone will expect her to be happy even though she may feel sad too.  Even at birth when she delivers her child, she may feel a sense of loss all over again.  It would be nice to have something tangible, like a necklace, to remind her of the baby she lost.  

whse13kittens

Thanks ladies. I will definitely write her a card, and I'll ask her BF if he thinks the necklace would be in her taste or if there is something else he thinks she would appreciate. I lost a little one in 2010 and I know it's something that never leaves you, but I know as well it must be doubly hard trying to grieve that loss while still processing that yes, you still have a child with you. I don't want to overstep or make her uncomfortable, but I want her to know if she needs someone to talk to, I'm here. Anyway, thanks again for your advice, I really appreciate it!

Kissimi21

A card and possibly a necklace is a nice gesture.  If you are comfortable talking about her loss, let her know you are willing to listen if she needs to talk.  If she doesn't already know, let her know you have also lost a baby.  It is easier to talk to someone who knows what you are feeling than to talk to someone who can't begin to relate.

My twins were originally triplets.  I lost Baby C at 7/8 weeks.  It really messes with your head.  On one hand you feel grief, pain, and confusion, but on the other there is relief that you didn't lose both/more, fear that you still could, and guilt that you feel relief while mourning the loss. 

SandraPB1220

I agree with everyone else. A card would be better in my opinion, after my miscarriage a few months ago, people would come up to me and say something in public and I would have to go to the bathroom to hide the tears. Sent to her, or given to BF, so she can read it in private, and definitely let her know you've had a loss as well, it made the concern seem more genuine to me. And I think the angel necklace/charm/bracelet is a lovely idea.

SandraPB1220

Also, it might be a good idea to send an email to the rest of your coworkers to let them know what happened, maybe send a separate card from the whole office so people don't feel the need to "say something" when she comes back. I had a few awkward conversations with, "Hey momma, how are you feeling?" "Ummmm I actually had a miscarriage...." I thought news like that would spread, but apparently it didn't. It might help make her return a little easier.

Kissimi21

SandraPB1220 said:

Also, it might be a good idea to send an email to the rest of your coworkers to let them know what happened, maybe send a separate card from the whole office so people don't feel the need to "say something" when she comes back. I had a few awkward conversations with, "Hey momma, how are you feeling?" "Ummmm I actually had a miscarriage...." I thought news like that would spread, but apparently it didn't. It might help make her return a little easier.

That is excellent advice. It devastated me when a coworker, who had no idea, ran up and rubbed my belly saying, "Hey Momma!"  She was pregnant too which just made things even more awkward.