Do you ever like nothing is every good enough?

JessH1474

This is mostly a vent, but I'm hoping that someone out there can relate so I know I'm not the only one.  It sometimes feels like nothing we ever do for SS is good enough and it's very frustrating.  For instance, family trips or outings....If we go play putt putt, he insists on having ice cream as well while we're there or if we go the movies, he wants to play the video games, if we go to a theme park, he complaines if we don't get souvenirs.  It's just always one step more than what we are doing and he is only one out of the 3 kids that does that.  I think he's used to getting his way most of the time at BM's and my kids know better, but you would think after coming to our house EOWE for the last 12 years he would start to realize that we don't always do things that way.  Some of you probably remember us being offered the free Disney cruise back in November.  We went and had a great time other than SS complaining about every little thing that wasn't exactly what he wanted to do (seeing some of the shows, meeting the characters, ect). It got the point where DH had to tell him that if he was going to complain the whole time that he would take him back to the room and reminded him of how lucky we all were to even be able to go on the cruise to start with.  We go on a week long summer vacation every year somewhere different and it's always planned one of the summer weeks we have SS, yet no matter where we choose to go, we are constantly reminded that what he does with BM is better.  Last summer we stayed in Myrtle Beach for a week in a condo and was told that we should have rented a house like BM does when she goes to the beach with a private pool.  When he says things like this, I try to stay positive and just say well that's great you got to do that with BM, but this is what worked out better for our family.  DH is just as frustrated over it and has tried to talk to him many times, he thinks that he sees the light but then it happens again.  It's to the point where we almost feel like we're wasting money taking him places b/c he's never happy with anything we do.  Any advice ladies?

Lavender P

'The squeaky wheel always gets the grease.' I think SS is just pushing your buttons and trying to get more to see what he can do. You said your kids know you won't put up with it so they don't complain. Then don't put up with it from him. I would set expectations of 'we are going to the movies, everyone can pick out one snack,' beforehand. Then if he doesn't like it, he doesn't get to go or he gets nothing. It sounds harsh but he is taking for granted all that you do for him, which is what most kids do. However as his parents you do have to teach him that no one owes him anything. My SS complained about all kinds of stuff on our Caribbean vacation. We stayed at a resort with a lazy river, slide and waterfall. We went out to eat to nice restaurants all the time and he spent the week playing with his cousin. In the beginning he tried to downplay that he was having a good time by saying there was nothing to do and said he wanted to watch t.v. We told him that next year we won't go on vacation and he can watch t.v. all week. We also said that many kids don't get to fly on an airplane or travel to a foreign country and if he can't appreciate it then he doesn't get to have it. That shut him up quick.
I think in BF there is also the dynamic of missing the other parent or wanting to downplay the good because they don't want to hurt their feelings by having a better time or even just a good time on vacation without their BM/BD.

ldmessing

how old is he?
I find that my 13 year old SS is the biggest complainer on the planet.

JessH1474

@lavender P I agree with you, I think that's exactly what he's doing and I appreciate your advice.  If he were the only child involved, we would just stop doing things to show him that if he doesn't stop the complaining, the fun stops as well, but we have two other kids involved and it's not fair to them to miss out on things just b/c he's being ungrateful.  I hate the thought of doing things w/out him b/c it makes me feel like the whole family isn't involved, but maybe that is what it will take who knows.

@idmessing He will be 13 in April, however I can't chalk it up to preteen/teenage problems, he's been like this since he was old enough to talk.  We actually assumed it would get better the more mature he got, but that doesn't seem to be happening.

ambrvan

My SD has always been that way, as well. Since I met her at 2yo. Most of the time we are being compared to her grandparents, though, any and all of them. I just look at her and say, "Well I ain't your nana. It's up to you how you deal with that." At 7.5yo, she is finally starting to halfway catch on. She pulls that crap with everyone else (even her grandparents) but not so much with me anymore. When she does, all I do is look at her and she fakes a smile and says something positive. Its almost getting comical.

It's annoying and downright hurtful. I understand. Honestly, I have ended more than one night in tears feeling like I'm not good enough in her eyes, but I just have to remind myself that it's not just me. And its not a step thing.

Lavender P

JessH1474 said:

@lavender P I agree with you, I think that's exactly what he's doing and I appreciate your advice.  If he were the only child involved, we would just stop doing things to show him that if he doesn't stop the complaining, the fun stops as well, but we have two other kids involved and it's not fair to them to miss out on things just b/c he's being ungrateful.  I hate the thought of doing things w/out him b/c it makes me feel like the whole family isn't involved, but maybe that is what it will take who knows.

I get that but it is also important for him to realize his actions effect others. I think if even just once he tries to complain and you tell him to stop or you won't go, follow through (and only say it if you will follow through...). Then tell him that his actions also effect the rest of the family and now no one can do the activity. It won't take long for him to realize you mean business. Also, it is nice to have the whole family do activities but that fun things are a privilege not a right. You can't be a complete brat and think you deserve tr same things as the kids that behave.

I might just be mean though so take it with a grain of salt..::

starrz90

Honestly, I would expect that from a younger child. I've experienced that with my now 10 year old SS. He's gotten way better overtime. When he was younger we did give him the same lecture about appreciating things and enjoying himself, ex. on vacation, or we take him back home. As kids get older I think they should be able to understand the sacrifice and planning that goes into certain activities they get to enjoy. For your SS just put your foot down. If possible, just ignore the complaints. If he doesn't have an audience, he's only complaining to himself.

Ilumine

Honestly, do you want make a change in his attitude?  Then it may be time to set him up.  

Family movie outing.  Let them all know that you will not be getting treats and that if anyone complains, you will be taking the complainer home. That if the child cannot happily accept the gifts that are given, then they do not need the gift at all.  

Then follow through.  Take him home.  Take two cars if need be or just have DH take him home and then come back to get you.  

But here is the trick, you do not go into a huge diatribe about the situation when you are taking him home or afterward.  DO NOT ENGAGE.  

You do not give him any more punishments over than taking away the gift he was kvetching about.  

You may never ever be able to teach him how to truly APPRECIATE what he has been given, but you CAN teach him the manners of it all. 

I only wish DH had done that. 

Nineoceans

I agree with illumine and others.

It's not a contest if you don't make it one. When my SS tries to pull that we say "that's nice" and move on.

Also when you make a threat you need to see it through so he should have spent a day in the cabin even if that was a sacrifice to the plans. Cause and effect, action and consequence.

workitmom84

Ugh, how frustrating. My SS is 7 and we don't get enough time with him but you are not alone. I am hoping that he grows out of it. It's exhausting to try so hard to do fun things and then get "my mom blah blah blah". Meanwhile, they live in the mom's cousin's house, she doesn't work, and lives off the child support we send. Those are my issues, not his. But it's hurtful when we try really hard to give him things that he doesn't get, and he still isn't pleased. I can't give much advice, but NO you are not alone and it does feel good to vent a little. But I do agree - give expectations early and if he complains or is unappreciative, let him know that it is hurtful/negative (he can understand that at his age) and that he doesn't need to participate. 

JessH1474

Thanks lades, I really appreciate the advice.  I defintely agree that he should no better by this age and that we need to put a stop to it, and that following through is key.  I like the two seperate car idea @illumine and I think we will do that the next time we go out. 

@workitmom84 That's how we feel also.  If SS goes on a vacation, it's with us.  BM does not spend her money that way.  To each their own, but it makes it even more annoying when I have to hear about the ONE TIME BM took SS to the beach every single year.  BM's thing is going out to eat, that's something they do about 4 times per week, so SS expects it at our house.  That's fine for BM b/c she has SS and two babies under 2 that don't eat much yet.  We have 3 kids, two of which each off the adult menu now so it's much more expensive for us to do that.  We have explained this to SS before and he seems to understand at the time, but then continues to ask everytime he's over. 

Wahoo

Does he get an allowence or any spending money?  If so, I would tell him that you are not buying (ice cream, video games, etc.) but he is free to use his allowence money for those things.  It's his choice.  Or, you could set up a system for jobs around the house (special duty jobs.  I believe that kids should have chores as part of the household, but if you need the garage cleaned or something) for money to spend on extras.  Maybe then he will "get" that these things aren't free.

I do agree that you should take him home when he complains.  His kvetching ruins it for the rest of the family, and that's not fair.  I would also say to him "if you aren't appreciative, we can go to the movies without you next time." AND DO IT!!!  I would not go when he is at his mom's....that is so hard because you don't want to be accused of playing favorites or forgetting him..  I would go when he is home, so that he sees that it is a consequence of his actions ("Last time we were at the movies you complained that you couldn't play video games, so while Jess and 2kids go to the movies, you can stay home and play all of the video games you want.").  You need to be firm - - let there be a consequence.  Don't let him "promise" to not complain.  Let him sit it out and see how it feels.

I feel so bad for you.  I know how you jumped through hoops to get SS on that Disney cruise, how you were able to afford him coming only through the generosity of your boss.  To hear that he complained is so upsetting! 

 

JessH1474

@wahoo We do not do allowances but he is responsible for a set of chores that earn him the right to have a cell phone on our plan.  Same with DD.  This is probably where he shines the most, he doesn't ever give me trouble about doing what he's asked to do around the house.  At almost 13, he pretty much lives on his Iphone though, so I'm he realizes that if that gets taken away, his non-school social life goes down the drain...lol.  This will be the first thing to go if things don't improve.

I appreciate all your replies.  I talked to DH about and we both agreed that we need to put our foot down and follow through if this continues.  Our plan is to talk to him when he comes back home when he's in a good mood and doesn't feel like he's being lectured.  Hopefully that will sink in a little more than trying to talk to him about it in the heat of the moment.  If it doesn't, then we're prepared to do what we need to do to put a stop to it. 

misscarter87

Yes i feel that way but we had to explain to SD exactly what we doing or simply just tell her No she cannot have these things