Introduction- loss on Christmas Day

Bgirma

I am a FTM and was due to have a baby boy on 12/27/13. Our son was born sleeping on Christmas Day. I have spent the past week reading old posts on this board and I've already found comfort in hearing from others experiencing the same grief and pain that I am. This seems like a loving and supportive community.

Here is my full story, which I shared with the December board a few days ago:

I had a difficult first and second trimester- I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum at week 9. I started to feel slightly better around week 25 and was down to only throwing up every other day by week 30. For the most part, my third trimester was when I felt the best. I had lots of energy, felt less nauseous and was sleeping well. For some reason, I never felt Wesley move a lot- he was active first thing in the morning and before bed but rarely throughout the day. I brought this up a few times throughout my pregnancy but his heartbeat was always strong and ultrasounds showed him moving quite a bit so I was only slightly concerned when I didn't feel him much the weekend before my 39 week appointment. I called my doctor and the nurses reassured me that a decrease in movement is pretty common in the third trimester.

On Monday the 23rd, my husband and I went in for our 39 week appointment. Our OB had trouble finding our son's heartbeat so she walked us to the ultrasound machine. An ultrasound confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Watching my husband learn that our son was gone was the worst moment of my life.

Our doctor left us to have some time to ourselves and when she returned she gently told us that I needed to deliver Wesley as soon as possible. I wanted my mom to be there (and she needed to fly in from across the country) so we were allowed to hold off until the next morning.

I was admitted to be induced at 7:30am on Christmas Eve. I was given pitocen and started to feel minor contractions a few hours later. I was given an epidural around 2pm and they broke my water a few hours later, when I reached 4cm dilated. My contractions continued and they gave me medication to help me sleep through the night.

I labored throughout the night and morning- I'm not sure if I was still numb or in shock but it was pretty uneventful labor, I didn't feel much pain or pressure and slept most of the night. I woke up a few times and was really confused, almost disoriented, because I was convinced it was a dream or a movie I was I watching. Sometimes, it still doesn't feel real.

Around 9:15am, the nurses checked me and let me know that it was very close to time to push. I pushed 4 times and our son was born at 9:35am on Christmas Day. He weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. He had a lot of curly black hair and very long little fingers. He was a perfect, beautiful baby boy. We held him after he was born and kept him in our room for the entire day. Saying goodbye to him was difficult and leaving the hospital without him was excruciating.

I've been trying to focus on the positive things. We got to spend Christmas with our little boy. We had incredible care at our hospital- our nurses were so kind and compassionate. My husband was amazing, even though his grief was palpable he was so strong for me during my labor and delivery. My postpartum recovery has been relatively easy, I had one minor tear that was only sore for a few days and minimal bleeding. And most importantly, I got to carry our son for 39 weeks and 4 days. I felt him move, watched him grow and loved him every day. Even though I'm heartbroken that we don't get to watch him grow up, I'm so grateful for the time I did have with him.

So far, each day has been more difficult than the last. I feel guilty that I didn't know something was wrong, that I couldn't keep him safe and healthy inside of my body. I feel responsible for the pain that my husband feels and so empty without a newborn to take care of. Some mornings I wake up confused about why I feel so sad and then I remind myself that I had a baby and he died. During his service, then funeral director talked about sadness and grief being a terrible privilege- we feel those things because we had the privilege of loving him so much. I hold onto that thought during the worst times.

jbranden12

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Wesley. Many of us can relate to your story. It may not feel real for a long, long time. I remember waking up every morning a little confused like you describe, then I would have a flashback to the moment the doctor told me her heart stopped. “Here is the chest cavity. Here is where we’d expect to see a heartbeat and it’s just not beating.”  Then BAM it would all rush back. Sometimes, nearly two years later, I still cannot believe it. Your funeral director was right in that grief comes from love. Because we will never stop loving our children, we will never stop grieving for them. I am sorry to welcome you, but I hope you can find some comfort here. 

BrittianyM

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy Wesley. Sending thoughts and prayers your way. We are all here for you when ever you need us.

bunnybun4

I am so sorry for the loss of your Wesley.  We hate to welcome new moms here but we are so glad you have found a great place for support.  I love what your funeral director said and that you are finding comfort in that.

All of the emotions and feelings you are describing are completely normal.  Just be patient with yourself and let yourself grieve right now.  Please use the board all you want to vent.

A great book recommendation (when you are ready) is "An Exact REplica of a Figment of my Imagination".  It really helped me put words to a lot of the things I was feeling.

So sorry to welcome you here.

Noethola

***Siggy warning***

So very sorry to welcome you to the board and for your loss of your son Wesley. 

Your thoughts and feelings are very like my own. Seeing my husband learn our daughter had passed was excruciating. Knowing there was nothing I could have done to change it was heartbreaking. I can relive every moment of the day when we learned her heart has stopped beating, hearing the words of our dr and seeing that ultrasound before us with no heartbeat. Even a year later, you wake up hoping this is not your reality. 

Healing will take time. Missing your son will always be a part of your life. Be gentle with yourself and your DH. We grieved a lot alike the first few weeks, and then we began to grieve differently. But we both had to be patient, knowing the other was grieving in their own way. You are a mother and your husband is a father. 

((Big hugs)) as you navigate through these first few months. Please reach out to us as often or as little as you need to. 

VyD81

I'm so sorry the loss of your son Wesley. 

I'm too a FTM and the pain is excruciating the first couple of months. It does get a little easier to manage.  Many hugs as you navigate through this grief journey, we're all here for you and understand your pain and feelings. You will have so many different emotions, unfortunately, they are normal and be gentle with yourself.

mingaling2

I'm so very sorry you've had to come here and for the loss of your sweet Wesley. I hope you find some comfort knowing we're here for you.

DevonBedford

I am so terribly sorry for your loss of sweet Wesley. I hope you are able to find some comfort from this board.

kflynn81

I'm so so sorry for your loss. We just lost our Jack on the 23rd.... No one should have to go through this pain. ((Hugs))

Dixon813

~~Siggy Warning~~




I am so very sorry for your loss of precious Wesley.  Know that we're here to support you in whatever way whenever you need us.

Many, many prayers to you and your DH.

CRUN2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this board helps give you peace and comfort. It is a tough road but we are all here and we understand! Hugs to you and your family.

kz's_girlygirl

I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Wesley. I just love his name

Your emotions are completely normal. Things definitely still seem like a bad dream for me sometimes. Losing a baby just isn't something that is supposed to happen.

Please know that you, your husband and your baby boy are in my thoughts with love, peace and healing.

jonahsma

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby Wesley. Praying for you and your DH for comfort and healing during this difficult time ((hugs))

stefuge

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of sweet Wesley.  No one wants to join this club, and I am so sorry to welcome you to the board.  The ladies here have been an incredible support to me, so please know we are here whenever you need us.

As you said, I will always remember the moment of telling my husband we lost Colton.  It is a crushing memory.  One that no one should have to experience.

Please be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to grieve, and know you are not alone.  ((Hugs))

Carolee

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son, Wesley. I'm sad you're joining the board, but welcome.

princezjk

***Sig Warning***


I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet boy Wesley. This community has been so helpful to me and hope you will also be able to find some comfort and support here. Sending you so many (((hugs)))

schulme2

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy, Wesley (one of my favorite names!). I hope that you will find comfort here. We have all felt that surreal "this isn't really happening" feeling and it will be extremely difficult for a while. No one should have to go through this and there is no right or wrong way to do it but we are here for you. Big hugs to you and your husband as you begin to heal.

PerkyErky

***siggy warning***

I am so incredibly sorry to be welcoming you to this board and I am sorry for the loss of your son, Wesley.

As others have said everything you are feeling is normal. One thing I want to add, this is not your fault. You did all you could to keep your son safe. You would have done anything to keep his heartbeating. I found the guilt overwhelming after our loss. But please please remember, it is not your fault.

Big hugs.

JessicaG220

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your story made me cry and remember my own experience. I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through. It's so unfair. You have found a great place to turn to for support and comfort. Lots of hugs your way.

cawettig

I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Wesley. Your feelings of being great full to know him for the 39 weeks and 4 days is exactly how I feel with my angel. They existed and we had every moment with them. The moment where we seen the ultrasound and were told the worse news of our life is indescribable. The pain at that moment no one should have to go through. Like prior posts said this board helps so much and I hope that you can find comfort here. Big hugs

irons633

Sweetie!! I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet baby Wesley. We unfortunately know how you are feeling and we will be here for you. Be kind and easy with yourself it's a long journey and if you need me I'm here for you! (((Hugs)))

Heatherhah

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son Wesley. We ae all here for you.

Heather

neptunebljc

I am sorry for the loss of Welsey.  This board is very helpful when it comes to grieving. 

shandorfml2

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. Most of us can relate to your feelings and experiences. Sorry to welcome you to our community, but hope you can find support here

MrsS143

Sending my condolences your way. Your precious baby boy was a gift. I wish you the strength to get through this very difficult time and wish you much hope for a happy future. Hugs.

Bgirma

Thank you for all of the kind words. This board had already been a great support to me.