How to deal with my sister (vent, pg mentioned)

cdale86

***Siggy Warning***

My sister is 6 years older than me (33) and has never experienced anything major go wrong in her life.  My mom is nervous for how she will handle it when something terrible really does happen.  She has a 2.5yr old son who she conceived the 1st month trying.  She has a plan and everything will fit into that plan perfectly.  She just announced at Christmas that she is pg with #2.  She can only pg in summer/fall so that it works out with her work schedule.  We are very close, but I just don't think she can see past her own life and show any sort of sympathy.   I am struggling with anger from both infertility and infant loss.  Things I found insensitive from her this Christmas:

1)  It took us 2 years to get pg and she and my BIL were talking about how they didn't get pg until the SECOND month this time and were about to just give up.  SERIOUSLY!?  You are talking to the wrong person here.  We were lucky to get pg the first time, I lost one of my babies and who knows if we will be able to have more kids.  Oh my, 2 months.  Such a rough life!

2)  My BIL is a twin, so the possibility of twins conversation arises.  Several times over the week we were in town they would say something along the lines of "OMG.  I really hope its NOT twins!"  Really!?  Make these comments when I'm not in the conversation.  I would give anything to have both of my babies right now.  Why don't you say something along the lines of "I just want a healthy baby."  Despite seeing what we went through and our 1 in 100 million pregnancy, the possibility of anything going wrong with her pregnancy is just not part of her plan so it won't happen.

3)  I got no heads up that she was pregnant before we walked into the big family dinner.  Luckily we had a family dinner a few days before Christmas so it was a smaller crowd.  My nephew is walking around wearing a "big brother" shirt.  I knew they were "not preventing" so I wasn't completely surprised.  Pg announcements still sting.  She has no clue.  Catching me off guard with an announcement like that in front of a lot of people could potentially turn into an ugly cry.  She just has no clue, despite me trying to tell her.  I handled it fine and just didn't say much until I could process.  The next day I did make sure to talk to her about her pg and be excited (which I am).  I made sure to show up late to other Christmas events so that I didn't have to bear witness to the big announcement.

I feel like such a b*tch as a type this, but man does it help to get this off my chest.  I love my sister dearly and she is one of my best friends.  I am trying to give her grace and just accept the fact that she can be very self-absorbed.  We also asked everyone in the family to make some sort of donation in Bennett's memory.  She was the only one that didn't and never mentioned him.  Am I expecting too much?  I feel like people don't acknowledge my loss because Bennett's twin survived.  (also just love that I referred to her that way because it seems like he is always referred to in the opposite way).

Thanks for allowing my ramble and vent!

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY***

Just because Bennett's twin survived doesn't mean that Bennett's loss should be something that just rolls off your back. I'm so sorry that your sister is self-absorbed; I don't think you're being a bitch about it at all.

You really need to try and sit down with your sister and explain how you feel about things. It may be a little hard to deal with her pregnancy, especially if she talks about it a lot without considering how it might make you feel. I'm a little mad that she didn't make a donation in Bennett's memory - he is still her nephew, even if he isn't here anymore. She needs to know how you're handling his loss; I hope she takes your feelings seriously and will be more considerate in the future. *hugs*

kz's_girlygirl

Oh boy-  Do we have the same sister? lol.  My (younger by 4 years) sister is a doula, has two children she conceived easily and also seems to get everything she wants, at the exact moment she wants it. 

My suggestion would be to just lay your feelings out there.  Tell her what you need in order to feel supported- Maybe that means that even though you are excited for her, you can't hear her complain about her pregnancy symptoms.  Or maybe that means letting her know that by not acknowledging Bennett your feel get pushed aside and ignored.  Your feelings, whatever they may be, are real and deserve to be acknowledged.  And your son existed!!  He absolutely deserves to be acknowledged. 

In my experience with my own sister, this ended up being a fight because she has an insane sense of entitlement, and she turned my feelings of isolation and frustration into personal attacks against her. (my need to NOT hear about all the beautiful births and happy mothers she works with etc turned into her saying things like, "I'm sorry I have a job I love." etc. I had to keep reminding her that my feelings were not based in anger towards her or her situation, but my own need to protect myself.   She sort of got the point, and has taken my feelings into consideration which I really appreciate. 

I hope you are able to work through things with her, and I sincerely hope she is able to show some empathy.  Even if she doesn't understand, because there's no way she could unless she went through it, she can try to think before she speaks and take advantage of opportunities to support you when they arise. 

kflynn81

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this from your sister. I wish I had some great words of advice but I really don't since people like that truly bother me and I've yet to find a way to deal with it.... Not just my loss but with my IF struggles prior to getting pregnant. Not that I want others to go through the pain I've been/am going through I just wish they'd understand it. Big hugs hopefully things get a little better with your sister soon.

princezjk

***Sig***


I am so sorry you have to deal with your sister. Unfortunately, it seems the people we expect the most from are the ones most likely to let us down. So many people just don't get the nature of this kind of grief. (((Hugs))) and remember you aren't a bitch, you are a grieving mama with real and valid feelings.

jess123456

I am so sorry that you have to deal with her lack of empathy etc. My younger sister announced to me again recently and it is soooo hard but like you I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

It is totally OK to not feel happy for her right now and sad for yourself. Admittedly I screamed in the car when I found out about my sister and friends and used to carry so much guilt for that. It's not that we would wish this on anyone or love them and their children any less but it just stings so much when you see things happening so easily for others and we seem to live in this alternate universe.

Like others have said, there is no way that anyone gets what this feels like unless they have walked in our shoes (again something I would never want for anyone). Is there a way to have a sit down with her and tell her what you need from her? For example, when my sister announced to me I told her that I was so happy for her which I of course am but that I probably won't be asking her about it because it is just too damn hard to talk about. It's not personal, it is just what I need to do right now.

I also told her how hard it is for me to see people complaining about their pregnancies of their living children on Facebook. She had no idea that this is hard for me until I told her and just maybe she will think twice about doing this in front of me.

It is not easy and having to see it happen for others so easily is just plain unfair. Please know that you are not alone in feeling this and try not to be so hard on yourself for feeling that guilt about not being happy for others because you have been through so much and it isn't fair.

schulme2

@kz's_Girlygirl I was thinking the same thing... "Do we have the same sister?" I have had a lot of struggles with both of mine too and their ease of pregnancy when it was such a struggle for me to get pregnant. I too lost a twin and if either of them ever said anything about not having twins I'm pretty sure I would punch them. I think she is being pretty overtly insensitive. I would definitely have a conversation with her or maybe have a conversation with a parent who could then plant the seed that how she's acting is insensitive. I'm so sorry she's being so sucky. I hope she gets it soon and stops hurting you.

stefuge

I'm so sorry. She is being incredibly insensitive and it is understandable that you are upset. I agree with PP that you should try and talk with her. The things she has says make me so angry for you! Not cool. ((Hugs))

mingaling2

I'm sorry she's being so insensitive. I do think talking to her would be best - even if she doesn't listen / follow through with being more sensitive to your feelings, it might be good to get it off your chest. 

jbranden12

WOW. I cannot believe the twin comments, and the rest is awful too. I agree that a conversation with her may or may not make you feel better. Sometimes, people attack on the defensive and try to make you feel crazy or depressed because you cannot be happy for them or thankful for what you do have. Sometimes, it's because they are truly clueless. Sometimes, it's because they realize how hurtful they've been but aren't mature enough to admit it and apologize. 

Remember that this is about HER, not you. Whether or not she responds appropriately (apologizes and changes the behavior) is no indication of how much she loves you, just of how mature she is and how much empathy she is capable of. But once you have the conversation(s), you will be better equipped to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with her right now. 

cdale86

Thank you ladies! It sucks that so many of us have sisters like this. I'm still debating whether or not to have a sit down conversation with her. I don't know if self-absorbed is quite the right term because she does care and has been very supportive. She visited Berkeley in the hospital almost every single day over the 35 days we were there. I think that she has a hard time putting herself in others shoes or even just her pinky toe. I also think she is one of those people that doesn't handle death well. And let's be honest, infant death is a whole different ball game. People really don't know what to do. I wouldn't either if things were reversed.

She has and will likely always be unable to empathize with others. I have had many coversations with my mother about it. I did pull her aside at Christmas one time to tell her the twin comment was hurtful. I had like half a beer which these days gives me some guts! I think she was kinda thrown off and gave a quick, shaken response along the lines of "oh no. That's not what I meant." I think for now I will just love her for who she is and accept that she cannot begin understand. If she makes more comments, then ill say something. Thanks for validating me and helping me think through it!

cawettig

I agree with pp about your sister and definitely think something has to be said to her if she says something else. 

I am sorry it's off the subject, I just cry whenever I read your siggy. Where did you ask donations to be given to? Our angel Arianna had a large omphalocele and I like the idea of donating something in her memory for our angelversary that is coming up. I get all flustered and can't think straight when I read about omphaloceles. I have read so many stories about older children with them when I was pregnant with her. If you don't mind talking with me about his one day I would like to talk about them. 

neptunebljc

@cdale86  

I found this article very helpful for friends and family. I posted it online after I loss Bean and a lot of my friends responded well to it. Maybe you could try it.

https://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/ten-points-i-wish-every-person-knew-about-the-death-of-a-child/