IVF Question about telling family

jmarshall

This is my first post on this board. After years of trying, we finally got a BFP via IVF. We did not share with friends or family that we were having issues getting pregnant. My husband and I are now trying to decide if we tell family we went through IVF or let them assume it was natural. We do not plan on sharing the news until after we see a heartbeat. Also, we transferred 2 and we are not yet sure if we have 1 or 2 on the way. Question: While trying to get pregnant, did any of you not share your initial fertility issues and then use IVF to get pregnant? If so, when telling family that you were pregnant, did you share that used IVF and what was family/friends reaction?

curlylocks3

We weren't totally in the same boat because my close friends, parents and brother knew we did IVF. However, none of H's family or our mutual friends knew we were even TTC. We are having twins and when we announced we didn't mention IVF at all. Twins do run in my family, so we left it at that. It was just our personal comfort level. I have debated at some point in the future coming out about our IF- maybe during NIAFW or after delivery, but I'm honestly not sure if we will. Good luck whatever you decide.

xtina78

I think it's totally a personal decision. It's so early we have not told anyone besides my immediate family (and they all knew we were doing IVF). Personally, if everything goes well, I am planning on being very open about the fact that we used IVF to conceive a family. One reason is I feel like it's been helpful to me when others have been open with me about their IVF journey. I also think it's been such a big part of my life for the last 3 years and I'm going to want to talk about it with people. I think another factor may be that I work in the medical field and I'm just more comfortable talking about this stuff. However, I could totally understand someone wanting to keep their trying to conceive journey private.

sunflowermama42212

I think it just depends on your family. My family is super religious and didn't discus it with us and acted like we weren't doing ivf but when we told them it failed they were there. When we told them it worked they were thrilled. DH's family wanted to know everything and was super supportive. It depends how your family will view the whole ivf thing. Some people really aren't comfortable with it. If no one knew anything and we got pregnant I probably wouldn't tell them even though no one would care just because i don't ask or expect people to tell me how the sex went when they conceived so I think if you made it this far without telling anyone then I personally wouldn't say anything but it's a personal decision and if you do decided to share your journey I wish you all the support.

HeatherHam10

Ive been very open through the whole process so most people know we did IVF but when we make oir facebool post I will make mention to what we went through. I find many people are supportive. Its def a personal decision though.

herecomesthesun

MaiTaiBeth said:

Close friends and family knew our struggles.

This… but by family I mean our parents. Not all of our siblings will know we did IVF. Only the ones we are really close with.

Edited to add that I was nervous about telling my in laws. They are very religious and conservative. They are thrilled and said, "Whatever it takes. We are just SO happy." and they have been nothing but super supportive. 

BBColt78

We chose not to tell family. Our reason was we were worried someone would make an ignorant comment that we would not be able to forgive. Yes they are family and they should be supportive, but we didn't want to take that risk or put them in that situation. We felt it was for the best.

Luckyu317

I agree with pp's. It's a very personal choice who you share your journey with. We did not do IVF, but we did go through 2 1/2 years of IF, a bunch of medicated cycles and 3 IUI's before we got our bfp. Only one very close family member and two of my very close best friends knew details. My mom would ask questions, and I think DH's parents knew we were trying, but never asked ''why it was taking so long?'' (for lack of a better phrase). I think for me, it wasn't so much that I minded sharing our struggles, but more so that the questions were a constant reminder of what I already knew, my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to, and I don't know why. It was easier to just not talk about it with everybody rather than having to try and explain it over and over again.

monimu13

Our friends know, but we never actually told our families.  I'm sure we will at some point.  Twins also run in my family, so people just assume that's why we are having them as well.  Its a personal decision... don't feel like you have to share if you don't want to.  Some of the reason we haven't is bc I didn't want to answer the million questions that my MIL with inevitably ask.

auntjessy

It's whatever you're comfortable with, and whether or not you're comfortable with reactions you might not expect. Personally, I've been very open with our IF journey and how it's affected me, so I had no problem telling everyone on FB that our 2 miracles are through IVF. I only told close friends and family at the time that we were doing IVF, and for them not to pressure me for info as I got results back, etc. they were just there to support and pray for us. I've been a worship leader for about 18 years, so I'm familiar with how some so-called "religious" people respond to IF treatments. Personally, I didn't care what any of them thought, so I have no problem announcing how we've been blessed through ART. I've also found that it's helped other people, even perfect strangers, to know how we've arrived here. Either way, good luck!

FutureMrsW9

It totally a personal decision.  We told close friends and immediate family while we were going through it.  My family wasn't surprised because I've been battling PCOS issues for 10 years before TTC.  That said, I'm very open about IVF and everything now because I don't think there's enough fertility awareness out there, so if it comes up in conversation or there's a reason to talk about it I do tell my story to others at this point.

brittneyandadam

We weren't IVF, but that was our next step if this cycle hadn't worked. None of our families knew that we were TTC nor that we were having trouble. DH and I had each told one good friend...just to have someone IRL to talk to. My best friend was super supportive when I told her. No crazy comments, no "helpful" suggestions...it was really nice (and now she's super excited about getting a "niece" or "nephew"). We're not sure when to tell our parents...I feel like they should know before we go blabbing to all our friends. But, I do plan on talking about our trouble and what we went through....and I do want to say something about it on Facebook.

I know I was afraid to say anything about it to anyone b/c of the crappy comments...and there has to be more ppl out there going through the same thing. I kind of want them to see that they're not alone and maybe be there to answer questions or comfort them if they don't have someone to talk to.

However, as PPs mentioned, it's up to you and what you're comfortable with sharing. 

LadyMacaron

Our friends and family knew about our 2.5 years of infertility. Honestly, they were the only way I was able to cope at times. Having them to lean on, to listen and encourage us, and to pray for us when needed. I found the support to be incredibly heartwarming and I am glad we were so open. And now that we are pregnant, the response has been unbelievable. Some of our friends cried from happiness when we told them, a few even telling us they weren't even that excited for their own kids! Lol. 

It's been an outpouring of love. When people know how hard the journey was, how wanted this baby is, and how happy we are, they can't wait to celebrate the joy with you. I higly recommend sharing! Specially because pregnancy for us isn't the same as with a fertile woman. We go through a lot of nervousness, worries, and it's sometimes hard to be excited because you are terrified. So, when talking to my mom friends, I am glad they know why I am the way I am, and they help me stay positive.

lizardknitter

We chose not to share except with a couple of close friends and my sister. DH's family is very Catholic and they have expressed their views that God wouldn't give you a child unless he meant for you to have one. Both my brothers' and their families have expressed similar views apart from religion.
And my parents are just jerks sometimes. Being 41 and TTC alone got me a ton of grief. So I'm not telling them we had to go IVF route. It's all in your situation. I have no problem helping others through the difficult process of choosing to do IVF, but some times people are idiots. They say ignorant things like "which one of you is messed up/sick/broken/etc? Why can't you have kids? How do you know it's your baby? That's what you get for waiting so long/breast feeding for so long/being old(er)/whatever." I know I wouldn't respond kindly to that, so we kept it private.

liz4paws

Yes, pretty much everyone in our family and friends circle knows our pregnancy is a result of embryo adoption. And when we FB announce in a couple of weeks, I plan to talk about it as well. Not only do I want to spread awareness about IF and loss, I want to make it an opportunity to educate about embryo adoption which is widely unknown. I want the people in our lives to get used to the idea that this is how our family was made now. Because if they can't get used to it, or have a problem with it, they won't be in our lives at all.

Nancy1250

I never shared with family. I want to spare them the pain. We have casually mentioned that we were TTC and I may have casually mentioned that I got some hormone shots and bam, 1,2,3 pregnant.

We told close friends. They were extremely supportive and amazing!